The cultivation of calm

The experience of calm is often longed for but largely incompatible with our fast-paced culture. However, an inner sensation of calm does not have to depend on external conditions. They do help of course just as certain conditions hinder the sensation of calm.  

This period before Christmas can be excessively busy, social and stressful resulting in much rushing around. This can feel chaotic and exhausting but not necessarily calm. And therefore, the ability to cultivate calm amidst this season, is even more precious.

Yesterday when faced with the task of shopping, that can so easily overwhelm me, I chose to spend a little extra time asking, ‘the man who can’, to give me a lot of extra help with this calm maintaining malarkey. I knew that with 2 lists of items to buy from six different places, I could quickly descend into raging and snarling mode. I knew that I would struggle with all the stress inducing scenarios that shopping is filled with; crowds, noise, queues and self-service machines that don’t recognise items from their own shops. And therefore, I would need some help from on high to maintain my calm without losing my cool or anything else.

And so it was, after admitting my need for help and asking for a large portion of it, I headed off to the shops keen to see how the experience would unfold. Generally, I have about a two-hour limit for shopping, but I parked that knowledge along with the car and practised calmly focusing on making my way through the shops/lists. I was especially delighted that upon arriving in shop number one, I could still find the lists that I meticulously prepared before leaving the house. Whenever I get to a shop only to discover that my list has disappeared from the depths of my bag, I experience an instant switch into snarling beast mode. That’s not fun for anyone.

Anyway, I am delighted to share that I got round all six places which provided most of what was on my lists. A momentary thought as to whether I could manage a seventh place was quickly dismissed. I could not. I had reached my limit and wished to quit while still on the right side of it. This is progress.

As I drove home, I reflected that I had managed to do all that within less than two and half hours. Not with my usual approach of rushing around like a lunatic causing myself and anyone around me entirely avoidable stress, but by doing this whole calm thing. I even caught myself smiling at people and engaging in conversation. While I didn’t want to prolong the whole experience, I did quite like it! Which is good to remember ahead of doing what may be one of several ‘last’ trips to the shops today.

This cultivation of calm is a revelation! And a very welcome one! Especially while in a season where emotions can become heightened, stress can arise unexpectedly or in line with fast-growing but never-ending to-do-lists and moods can drop as fast as sugar laden treats are inhaled. The ability to find calm, amidst this Christmas season, is a super special gift for the season. For everyone.

Leave it be

I love the reminders that nature so beautifully bestows upon us if only we’ll open our eyes and hearts to notice them.

Nature does not rush; it has its own rhythms, timings, endings, beginnings and transitions between. These are all supported or hindered by the conditions of their environment.

One of the differences between this and our human cycles is that we don’t always trust our seasons, timings or the impact of our environment. We are notoriously bad at trying to make things like horrible feelings go away without feeling them so that they can move through the system. This results in them boomeranging back to bite us on the arse until we find the courage/support to face and feel them. We don’t need to get stuck there or to wallow but we may well need to wade through them – no one gets to bypass this reality.

We may also try to fast forward to some other feeling state/achievement/whatever we really want to experience, by forcing, rushing, praying and willing ourselves to be somewhere other than where we are. All of which is futile with the exception of the praying bit which is calming and soothing despite the fact God is clearly not English as he has no issue saying no, or not yet!

When I look back to nature, I have never heard a tree in Autumn, wailing, ‘don’t leave me.’ I don’t think trees are afraid that after a season of rest, they will not be able to produce new leaves.

Equally, I’ve never heard a tree in Winter panicking, ‘I can’t see or feel anything, will I ever have new leaves again?’.

And then in Spring, I don’t hear the tree’s groaning, ‘if you’ll just try harder, you’ll be able to make the leaves appear quicker’.

During the full blooming beauty of summer, I’ve also never heard a tree fretting, ‘this too shall pass’!

Maybe I am wrong as I am no tree expert, but this is how the trees talk to me!  And I love the wisdom they wish to impart. And the serenity with which they display it.

I have always loved nature since it was my safe place when I was a child. I still love nature which I feel connected to even in Winter, thanks to my conservatory. I read somewhere earlier this year that conservatories are out of fashion – hooray for not giving a toss about fashion!

And so, as a recovering rush-a-holic, I am trying to learn from nature about trusting in timings. This is very different to my default of going faster and faster and doing more and more of all the things I love doing, until the wheels come off and I crash and burn.

Nature whispers to me, ‘slow down Jo, trust in the timings of all things’. Whenever it comes to helpful advice like this, I tend to develop instant amnesia prior to putting it in to practice. So as a visual person, I now have a photo of a snail on my fridge!

Anyway, back to the leaves on the trees or rather the leaves landing all over my garden. A few weeks back, as I peered out of my bedroom window of a morning, I noticed a heap of leaves on the roof of my cabin. They weren’t moving. My instinct is to sort things out immediately, so they don’t build up and overwhelm me. However, on this occasion, I thought, ‘just leave it be, maybe the wind will blow hard enough to save you wrestling the ladder out to climb up and remove them from the roof’.

Remarkably enough, I did leave them be. This is new for me!

A few weeks later, when I looked out the bedroom window, these leaves were gone! And I couldn’t even see them on the lawn. Result! Thank God for the wind!

This reminded me that when I slow down, some jobs resolve themselves. Obviously, many do not, but sometimes, going at a ridiculously fast pace is ridiculously counterproductive. It can cause mistake making or time wasting by chasing things that would sort themselves out if I were less impatient and more trusting.

When I spoke to a friend In Scotland this week, she too had received a visit from the leave removing fairy. And she too was elated about crossing this off her to-do-list without getting up from her reclining sofa!

I think that learning to trust enough to go slowly will be a lifelong lesson for me when it comes to the practical application. Fortunately, nature displays these timeless truths every year in every season. And I’ve never yet heard a tree complaining, ‘I’m bored’. Perhaps because nature is ever changing just like us when we’re willing and there’s nothing boring about that.

Once the trees had finished shedding their leaves, I went to do the final leaf raking session. It was then that I spotted the leaves presumably from my cabin roof gathered in the soil behind my cabin. The leaf fairy hadn’t been quite so generous after all! I could not unsee or unknow they were there, but I could make a conscious choice to leave them be.

This reminded me that a year ago I left a retreat with the realisation that I always tell myself I will rest after I’ve just done one more job which invariably turns into tons more jobs. I decided to change my motto from, ‘I’ll just do x and then I’ll rest’, to, ‘I’ll just leave it be and rest NOW’.

Over a year later, I am finally taking tentative steps towards practising this art of ‘leaving it be’.

I thank God for nature’s ongoing reminders.

Trust in Transitions

This morning when I looked out of my bedroom window, the first thing I saw was the large tree at the end of the garden. I checked the leave status to determine whether I would have to add ‘raking the leaves’, to my never ending to-do-list. What with more leaves yet to hit the ground, I granted myself permission to postpone this job. Yay!

As I continued to look at those leaves remaining on their branches, I had the following thoughts.

Autumn is essentially a season that prepares the way for the new life of Spring to follow. It does this by shedding the old before entering a season of rest and nourishment which enables the next season to bring new life.

With my endless fascination with the human experience, I couldn’t help but wonder what parallels exist in my own life. Am I holding on to anything that may interfere with my own transition between seasons. What could the remaining leaves represent in my life? What do I need to let go of to allow myself the necessary rest and nourishment, that must precede the making of new life? Am I investing my energy in that which takes me towards or away, from where I would like to be?

I love a good question … or twenty. Even if they only throw up more questions than answers!

Within my home I regularly remove the dead leaves from my masses of house plants. I am informed that this prevents precious nutrients going to parts of the plant that are already dead. I do that in the belief that those nutrients will be re-directed to those parts of the plant that remain alive and growing. This is an ongoing process as new life keeps growing and old life keeps dying.

Ditto the life of the human who wishes to remain alive and healthy enough to continue growing.

And so, here I am, looking into the face of Winter and wondering what I need to leave at the mouth of the new season? What will weigh me down, hold me back or simply take energy that I need to replenish my resources?

Whenever I don’t make time to take stock of the big picture as well as those smaller pieces that contribute to it, I end up using time and energy in a way that takes me away from where I want to be.

Whether it is patterns of behaviour, unhelpful habits, or investment in anything that I need to step out from, I really want to practice this art of letting go.

Nature models this so beautifully; the stunning colours of the changing leaves remind me that transitions and transformations can be a wonder-full process which moves the trees from the old to the new, via rest.

Like everything else in life, letting go of that which is no longer supporting our growth or health is mostly about trust. Whether in timing, or the reality that some things are only for a season and the new is up ahead. Transitions may require us to sit in the empty space between old and new, along with all this evokes. When we can resist running back to what we know out of fear and continue putting one foot in front of the other, the new season of life will make itself known to us when the time is right.

When we don’t know

As humans we don’t tend to like or therefore be good at sitting in situations that evoke a sense of not knowing. We don’t like to ‘not know’ and we do like to know.

There are different types of knowing including practical and psychological.

We need to know practical facts that allow us to prepare and plan accordingly especially for changes. The chaos around incorrect information and signage for our road closures being a case in point. Thanks go to Jodie Chillery for working so hard to correct and ensure learning is made to prevent future re-occurrences.

When it comes to psychological knowing, there may not be such a clear distinction between correct and incorrect, concrete facts.

To continue engaging fully with life, the need to take the sort of risk that precedes trying anything new, will arise over and over. It is an invitation to step beyond what we know to what we do not, to gain a new knowing.

This could be with employment, house/area moves, relationships, new skills/ventures, membership of any organisation etc. Basically, any type of change that requires us to do our research as far as we are able then to take the leap from what we have known into what we do not. In doing so we hope that we will discover something new if only that we do not like the new thing and need to incorporate this new knowing into further steps/changes!

To avoid any kind of change or new venture or experience of not knowing is to avoid staying alive and open to trying, growing and learning.

Sometimes if we have a particularly difficult time with not knowing how something will work out, we may cling to certainties to avoid this discomfort.

At times we have a clear yes to something whereas at other times, we have a clear no. Whether we speak these or stand by them in actions is another story!

However, mostly we do not and cannot have such definitive answers and therefore we will find ourselves in the middle position some place between ‘yes’ or ‘no’, known as ‘I don’t know’, or ‘not knowing’. No one can know before starting a new job or moving to a new area or any other type of life new-ness, exactly what the new experience will be look or feel like. We don’t get that kind of certainty ahead of leaving the current certainty. Therin lays the risk of letting go of the old, known and familiar to step in to the new, unknown and unfamiliar. The presence of trust is what enables us to take the step  between knowing and not knowing. It allows us to resist the temptation to shut down anything new without allowing it the time or space to reveal whether it is a fit for us.

The place of ‘not knowing’ is an unavoidable step on the path towards new knowing. I am not talking of an intellect only, read in a book, ‘knowing’, but an embodied level of knowing.

We do not learn to dance by only reading theories about it or watching others dance. This type of learning can only take us so far. We learn to dance by getting into our own body, reading the rhythm and learning to relax out of over thinking and in to letting our body’s move spontaneously. When we make a wrong move or step, it teaches us what not to do.

It is no different with the dance of life. If we cling to the side of known certainties, we may hold on to our sense of safety and comfort. But we lose the chance to learn something new.

If we can tolerate what we do not know, we can allow the time and space required for our ‘not knowing’ to become a new knowing. In the space that trust allows, a new level of knowing will emerge.

As with most of the complexities around being human, sometimes we need to move beyond the head’s compulsion to comprehend or figure or fathom things. We need to get inside these body’s of knowledge which will gift us with their wisdom, in its own timing.

Trust is the key to moving towards a new knowing.

I am taking some time out so my next post will be on August 28th.

The peace giving properties of prayer

Prayer is not some super spiritual activity involving lots of ‘thee’ and ‘thou’, King James version of the Bible, style words. At least it isn’t for me. And perhaps that’s an important point to start with. Prayer is a personal matter that may look different for me than it does for you.

Prayer to me, is an expression of all I hold within my heart; good, bad and ugly. I usually express this in words whether silently or out loud. My car is something of a prayer mobile which I use to pray in while driving. I basically chatter away to the Almighty about anything and everything like a child talking non-stop nonsense with a bit of significant stuff thrown in here and there and a lot of ‘but, why’s?’ (in between the rant/repent cycle about people who don’t indicate – on the understanding that I am sometimes too distracted to remember to indicate too!).

Sometimes, usually in painful times, my prayers do not have words; they may come out shaped like a groan, moan, sigh, tears, rants, pleading or even simple, sometimes stony, silence.

In my world, prayer is an acknowledgement that there is something out there that is way bigger and way better than the average human, including this one.

It is a dialogue with the divine on the understanding that he is not some distant deity but a presence right here, right now, who longs to commune with every human heart.

It is a spontaneous response to the revelation that we are not alone, no matter how much it may feel like it at times.

And it is a belief that this God is listening and loving and longing to show us his ways, his wonders and his wisdom. A God who welcomes us and our hearts with all that they hold within them, especially all the ugly crap that he doesn’t want us struggling with on our own.

Ultimately, prayer puts into practice, a belief in a God who can heal our hearts as we go through life, getting hurt and hurting others. It is a hope that this God will love us enough, despite ourselves, to keep healing us enough to continue seeing and appreciating all that is good while not denying all that is not. And as the lyrics of a song that has recently caught my attention, say, ‘God’s love is a love like no other’. In a good way.

I love to pray as it reminds me of all of the above … and that I am not alone … and that I am loved even when I am being unlovely, (which humbles me in to being a bit less unlovely, sometimes!). This all helps me to keep my heart open to God so I can receive from his heart all that I need for this life. And some.

God is such a generous God that he always gives us more than we need or ask him for so we can share it with others. And I’m not talking about all that materialistic crap like status, power and positions. I’m talking about what we all need more than anything; patience, compassion, kindness, grace, mercy, understanding, a belief that we can be better and a LOVE that enables it all.

I really love to chatter away to God about my hopes, my fears and all in between – when I’m not ignoring him because I’ve got the hump. I am immensely grateful for his enduring patience with my enduring ramblings.

Occasionally, I even shut up for long enough to let him speak! Whenever I do, I am wowed by his wisdom. NB to self, shut up more and listen more.

In the past week, on four separate occasions I have asked to end my times with friends by praying together. And these shared times of prayer have reminded me how good it feels, in a pure, Enid Blyton summer days, kind of a way, to thank God for what is good and to ask his help for what is not.

Whether I pray alone or with and for others, it leaves me with a peace that comes from being reminded that there is one able to handle all of our worries way better than we are.

Somewhere, sometime, I read that there is scientific evidence proving that prayer has a positive impact on these complex bodily systems of ours.

All I know is that prayer sooths my system, reminds me of God and in doing so, of my desire to keep learning from him, how to be a better me. I’m always going to need and to ask for large, ongoing portions of that!

But don’t take my word for it, try prayer for yourself. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain.

And if you don’t know where to start or feel self-conscious or weird, start with the lord’s prayer – it pretty much covers all bases!

Hot or what?

After a rather wet, cold start to our summer, we’re now in full on high heat with no time to adjust! It feels outrageous to complain but complaining is an embedded part of our culture!

There’s a very welcome breeze today but temperatures are still set to soar to 28c!

As with every other part of our life experience, we need to learn how to manage our response to that which we cannot control. In this instance, to manage the response of our systems; body and mind, to the heat of the weather.

Many of us struggle to sleep at the best of times especially when hormones are creating havoc, but the heat adds an additional challenge. And for me, a cumulative lack of sleep can result in headaches and grumpiness! Both of which make me want to join my ginger feline in lazing around for hours on end under the sun protecting powers of the parasol.

Yet, I know that while overdoing things in this heat is unhelpful for mind or body, so too is underdoing them! As with all else, listening to our body and recognising its needs is essential to maintaining a healthy balance.

So in my attempts to look after mind and body, I’m intentionally doing something active if not too rigorous, every day.

Mondays short walk rewarded me with all the beautiful sights and scenes of the surrounding green spaces; undoubtably good for mind and soul.

Yesterday, I cycled to the outdoor pool where the noise levels made my heart sink but the cool of the water revived me.

I’ve tried a different yoga class this week to mix things up and keep me on my toes/elbows/knees.

And today, I will cycle to a local café to meet a friend.

The heat can present a real challenge for us all. It can be become all too easy to succumb to slothfulness, but gentle movement can help us on all levels. And not just the endless trips to the loo to keep up with the endless intake of fluids!

Welcome to summer people!

The GREAT unknown

The unknown is often referred to as ‘great’ because it invites us to a greater sense of awareness, aliveness and adventure. All of which bring new discoveries, new knowledge and new ways.

The cost of only doing what we already know how to do, in the way we have always done it, is a ‘same old, same old’ experience. While there is a time to stick to the comfort of the familiar or the known-to-work way, there is also a time to try different things using new ways. This is what keeps us alive and healthy enough to keep growing beyond our existing knowledge.

When I returned from a couple of years of travelling through Asia and Australasia, I vowed I would never go on a package holiday again! After the adventures of volunteering in India, trekking in the Thai jungle (sleeping in hammocks with no facilities), staying in a Buddhist monastery sleeping on the floor and practising all kinds of meditation, teaching kids in schools and helping locals to clean up after the devastation of the tsunami, nothing sounded less appealing than a package holiday!

How quickly things can change!

A year into my counselling training, I was so exhausted I couldn’t wait to book a package holiday! And not any old one but specifically an Oak Hall holiday which offers the opportunity to sign up, pay up and show up. No brain required as all the thinking and organising is done for you. Absolutely ideal for those of us desperately seeking a brain break.

Furthermore, it bought the bonus of being part of a Christian family that spans the world over. This enhanced my understanding of faith beyond my own little Christian world. As one who never entered church before the age of thirty, I’ve never really understood denominations or wanted to become bias or blinded to an ‘our way or the highway’ approach.

We all need familiarity, comfort and ease, especially in times of trial, exhaustion, stress or illness. But to maintain the health and growth that keeps us alive, we also need times of stepping beyond what we know, to sample the different-ness of what we don’t. This is how we enrich and expand our body of knowledge through lived experience.

This doesn’t need to involve huge life changing choices. It can be as simple as doing something different from the way you usually do things, thus ensuring a different experience.

It could be trying all manner of new things such as:

  • Taking a different route to work
  • Sampling something different for breakfast
  • Trying new recipes for meals
  • Baking cakes you haven’t baked before
  • Visiting a different destination, whether a day trip or longer holiday
  • Choosing different colours or styles of clothing
  • Watching a genre of film/reading a book you haven’t tried before
  • Painting a room a different colour / moving things in to a different layout
  • Engaging with those of a different gender/age/faith/culture/orientation to you

Or a ton of other options.

When we practice the same old, same old approach to life, it is easy to get stuck in a ‘going through the motions’ mode of mundanity. This may allow a switching off from staying present to the present, by switching on to auto-pilot mode. Again, there may be times when this is necessary. However, if this is adopted as the normal mode of operandi, we may prevent ourselves from noticing all that the present wishes to present to us.

This mode for existing may involve many mild forms of dissociation and disconnection between the mind and body – like when you arrive somewhere and don’t remember the drive. A ‘killing me softly’ approach to our own sense of aliveness.

I was reminded of the enlivening, body/mind connecting powers of doing something different earlier this week. As I wandered towards the chemist to drop in a prescription, I decided to take a different route across the fields. I didn’t know when I started out which way I would go so I let my feet wander wherever they wanted. I was instantly and richly rewarded by the sight of many beautiful flowers along the way.

As I didn’t know what I would encounter along the way or where I would end up, I had to keep my wits about me by paying attention to the path. Like many of the country pathways right now, the path I found myself on was incredibly overgrown. I had to dodge the nettles and thistles with every step. And one pathway took me to a dead-end where the pathway was entirely blocked by both. This rendered it impossible to pass through without the protection of pin covering pants.

Sometimes when we take a path we haven’t taken before, we end up having to turn back. That’s ok, as we have learned something new about which way not to go. Knowing what not to do, or which way not to go, is as important as knowing which way to go. And sometimes we only learn by walking the path. To stick to all that we know is to  block the pathway to knowing something new.

As I backtracked on to a different path, another track beckoned me. I could see it was overgrown with huge nettles, so I put my scarf to use as a barrier between them and me. As I progressed down the track, I was rewarded with the offerings of a big, juicy, black berry brandishing bush! I had thought it was too early for them particularly given the excess of rain with the shortage of sun. But these blackberry bushes testified to their resilience to ripen regardless!

If I had not tried the new path, I would not have discovered this source of crumble filling goodness. Of course, I had to pop one into my mouth for quality control purposes. It was the first such fruit of the season and it did not disappoint! And I made an immediate note to myself to start carrying food bags from here on in, on all walks!

When we try a different way to do something, we do not always know what we will encounter along the way or where we may end up. We will inevitably encounter that which we do not like or end up someplace we do not wish to be. However, the other side of this is that we will also make unexpected, but exciting discoveries. All of which teaches us new things and develops our confidence in managing the unknowns as they arise. No experience is ever wasted.

When we choose to do something different, we pay attention to our surroundings in a more connected and present way. This evokes an enlivened experience by reconnecting our mind to our body.

GREAT!

A life stealing lie of our times

The lie – life is supposed to be shit

‘This is the worst sort of ‘believe it/become it’ brand of bullshit going if we allow it to reign and rule unrecognised throughout a lifetime.’

The facts are that life brings shit to us all but our ability to recognise its fertilising qualities will determine our ongoing health, growth and enjoyment of it all.

I believe the promise of the Almighty is that life is supposed to be a full and enlivening affair from start to finish despite the ups, downs and inevitable stress that every human encounters enroute.

Sometimes it is the pain of heart ache or break that shows us we are still alive. The alternative which may happen so subtly as to go undetected, is to numb out, cut off from or distract from our pain. If we shut down the heart in this way (or any other way), our sense of aliveness diminishes. The heart is not only for beating to stay physically alive, but also for staying soft enough to remain psychologically alive.

We all like feeling happy but if we don’t learn to manage all the other feelings in a healthy way, we disconnect from our own hearts. As our aliveness deteriorates, our cynicism, sarcasm, jadedness and destructiveness may rise.

Life is NOT supposed to be shit.

However, for this to remain a reality, we need to be an active participant in making it so. Nobody’s grass will be greenest if it gets too much or too little rain or sun, isn’t mowed, weeded, protected from ants or other threats.

In the world beyond the Jones, there is no competition in this, for one unique life is not comparable to another. But each of us are responsible for recognising and responding appropriately to what / who and where, enhances or undermines our health and growth.

If we want a fulfilling life, we need to do the work of building one followed by the work of increasing what supports us while reducing what does not.

As we age, our physical body’s deteriorate. Some work harder than others to utilise all the tweakments available to prevent this process. With varying results. But aging happens to us all regardless.

However, every other part of us; mental and emotional (soul) and spirit are invited to stay healthy enough to keep growing throughout a lifetime. And those who maintain their appetite for growth with vision, purpose and meaning, often, but not always, live long lives. (There are always exceptions where beautiful humans get taken young and I don’t pretend to understand this. At all).

When we use every part of ourselves to fulfil us AND to offer something of value to the world beyond our own, we create the conditions that are within our control, for keeping ourselves healthy, alive and growing.

This fact is well illustrated through the like and lives of Sir David Attenborough, John D Rockefeller, Stephen Hawking as well as countless others whether nonagenarian or defying a disease. These were or are men with a mission, contribution and heart for the world. They each made or are making valuable contributions for the greater good. In doing so they defy the seven score years rule or the prognosis of their conditions.

And some even continue to contribute from way beyond the grave. A recently recognised example is the literary contributions of Roald Dahl – thank God that his readers are challenging attempts to change Dahl’s original text.

John D Rockfeller had a particularly transformative experience that changed him radically. He was forced by ill health to change his trajectory from being a man on a mission to be minted, to being a minted man on a mission to share what he had with those who had not.

And this doesn’t only apply to the male of the species! The Queen is probably the most well-known example of such a woman. Whether you like the Royal family or not there is no denying her commitment to her purpose or the longevity of her life. While privilege would have played a part, privilege alone can’t keep people alive. There are many miserable millionaires out there.

Every human is dealt a set of cards for life; some that help and some that hinder. The only part we get to choose is; will we play them and if so, how?

Fear can make great excuse makers of us all. Blaming others for our misfortunes is a great way to block our own progress. Taking responsibility for the good, bad and all in between of ourselves and our lives, is the only way to work towards creating a life we want to live. And that doesn’t happen in isolation of others.

And, when we do want to live our lives, we do everything differently. We put our hearts into our actions and our resources in to giving to the world outside ours.

We each have strengths, weaknesses, talents and challenges, all of which make us whole. And when we bring our whole selves, we offer the unique contribution of our gift, to a world of many needs. Those that will benefit from our gift, are often guided to us. This is the ultimate win/win way of life for those with the belief to build it.

This isn’t some woo woo shit I like the sound of, I have heard numerous stories that testify to the truth of it. It is the worst moments of our lived experience that can transform us – John D Rockfella is only one example of this. At the point we imagine our life to be over, it may well be in the way we knew it. But, bleakness is often the birthplace for a whole new life.

Whether you believe in the universe, Mother Earth or anything else, I believe that God Almighty offers us repeated chances to learn and grow through the worst of ourselves, each other and our lives.

Life deals shitty hands to us all throughout our lifetimes. But the shittier the cards the greater the potential for growth, within them. If we can maintain a healthy enough outlook to face up to, talk about, seek support and work through these, we will continue to grow and to learn. And ultimately to stay alive on more than a physical level.

That which we resent and resist the most, offers the greatest chance to enrich, expand, improve and enliven ourselves and our offerings. If, we accept and work with all that life throws at us. Eventually anyway, once we’ve got over as many meltdowns and tantrums we need to move from the worst to the best!

Or alternatively, we can choose to sit and stagnate in the sinking and stinking sand of blame, fear and excuses. And if this is due to never learning there is another way, now is the time to start doing something different to move towards having something different.

The choice is entirely ours.

If you don’t know how to get started with any of that, there is a God who loves to help with all that kind of jazz! Don’t take my word for it, ask him yourself!

Life is not supposed to be shit.

We are supposed to recognise the shit for what is; a regular precursor to another growth spurt that can deliver you to a better life than the one before. Or at the very least, an increased confidence in managing our stress response without losing our shit or our ability to notice the moments of magic amid every stinking pile of you know what!

The roses do come, but not before the shit.

Pet therapy & the trauma link

Last week, like hundreds of other Arlesey residents, I was horrified to see that two local pet dogs had been viciously mauled by an out-of-control Staffy. My limited understanding is that this breed can make for extremely loving animals where there is a healthy history and, or, a competent handler.

In this case, the absence of a responsible handler meant this dog posed a serious risk. I sincerely hope that the dogs subjected to these attacks are recovering well. Ditto their owners. What shocking, horrifying experiences. As all of us animal lovers know, out pets are family.

I equally hope that the humans responsible have been held to account with the dog being restrained to prevent re-occurrences.

On the therapeutic benefits of our pets, it is not new that the wordless, unconditional love of our animals can be hugely healing for our human hearts. We live in a culture that encourages us to over think everything while not equipping us to manage the at times overwhelming emotions of our hearts. Much less to understand the connection between the heart, mind and body.

There is new research being undertaken all the time to help us understand how our bodily systems work especially in response to stress and trauma. Trauma is a big buzz word right now and like most things in life, comes in all shapes and sizes.

Trauma is basically any experience that overwhelms our ability to manage it in the moment. This may manifest via losing our shit in anger, having a monumental meltdown, or becoming paralysed by anxiety and ultimately shutting down. In more clinical terms this may be referred to as becoming dysregulated.

The way we respond to trauma is based upon how those around us responded to us when we were traumatised in our early years. That becomes a template for how we then respond to any current trauma. At least until we take the time to learn what is going on in our bodies at a deep and unconscious level so that we can then learn healthier, more helpful ways if necessary.

For example, if we experience a situation that bears some resemblance to an earlier experience, this effectively raises the alarm in our system. The system recognises it has experienced something similar so instantly responds in whatever way it originally learned to do so. This process happens so automatically that it bypasses intellectual awareness or a present-day risk assessment.

This means that the system does not recognise that the old response may have been learned during an unsafe early experience. The new situation may be frightening or stressful but not necessarily life threatening, (sometimes it may be) but our body responds as if it is still back then.

When we understand this is a deep, bodily level, instinctive, learned response to stressful stimulus in our early life, we can start to reprogram the bodily response to be appropriate to the current source of stress. It helps if we first learn to recognise what effectively presses our ‘stress/trauma response’ button.

Then we can start to teach our system when it’s auto generated response is not needed. We do this by recognising what set our alarm off, assessing the risk in the present moment and if we are safe, re-grounding ourselves in the now and not the back then. By recognising what our body is doing and why, we can work with it by reminding ourselves this is now, not then and we are safe (if we are.) We can then start to learn what switches the trauma response back off when it is not needed.

In the simplest of terms, we hopefully live most of our lives in our, ‘life is challenging but we are managing’ mode. When something stressful happens, we may move in to the next level of overwhelm where anxiety may paralyse, or anger may cause us to act/lash out. If this continues longer than our ability to manage it, we may collapse in to the final level of shutdown, defeat, helpless, feeling like a victim mode. This is because our nervous system has been activated to move through these levels to ensure our physical and psychological survival. It needs updating to recognise the response that was necessary in early life may be hindering us in adult life.

When our nervous systems gets activated in these ways, which they do during an ordinary day, we often naturally move from the stress level of anger/anxiety back to the calm level without necessarily being consciously aware that this has happened. It is the nervous system that fires up the stress response and the parasympathetic system that brings the body back to a calm state where life feels manageable again. If we get activated to a stress response too frequently or if this doesn’t ease up, we may get stuck in survival rather than living mode. We may then need to be more proactive in how we restore our system to a calm manageable state.

We are each utterly unique in our history, our experiences and the way our bodys’ have learned to react to stress and trauma. We each need to recognise what supports our parasympathetic system to restore us to a manageable mode.

There are numerous ways we can move from a stress response to a calm state. There is not a one size fits all although there may be ways that work for many. For some, slowing down and deepening the breathing is enough to re-set and rebalance the system. For others, this can exacerbate the stress response. For some, removing shoes and standing on the ground, especially outside, can reconnect us with the solidity and safety of the now. For others the act of walking sooths the system. Or it could be nature or music or prayer or various other things.

There are many ways to restore our systems ability to stay connected to ourselves and our experiences in ways that feel manageable. It is essential that we each learn what does and does not work for us. And when necessary, that we seek professional support to do so. It is not a sign of weakness or failing to need professional input to understand our systems in ways that allow us to live rather than settle for existing in a survival only mode. I have utilised trauma therapists in three different country’s’ so far! I love to learn and utilise new approaches as they appear.

One way that works for many of us when it comes to comfort, is through the special bond we form with our pets. The animals that we share our homes and hearts with are instinctive, body led creatures. I don’t believe they sit ruminating or suffer analysis paralysis – when we love them, they know it and they love us back. We cannot force a pet to love us with words alone, they know in their body when we love them. And it is a fact that the presence of a beloved pet can activate the calm restoring properties of our systems. It is shown to sooth the pet too … a two-way win!

Furthermore, the instinctive nature of animals shows us that they can freeze in the face of threat / play dead, before shaking out the fear response from their systems so they can carry on living. We need to move to do this more too!

Anyway, as a lover of the feline of the species, last night at around 3am, as I lay in a sweaty, perimenopausal heap, tossing, turning, wondering why the bedside fan wasn’t helping and worrying about all that I am currently wrestling with, I wished that my gorgeous ginger rescue cat would come to me. It wasn’t long before he did! He loves to snuggle right into me so I can put my arm around him and lay my head on his back. And in this position, I stopped ruminating, and the presence of my felines body restored my calm so I could return to sleep.

What wonderful gifts these precious pets of ours, are.  And they don’t have to have four legs to qualify. I have a friend who has a quail who loves to hang out with their German shepherd as well as the rest of her family!

Thank God for pets!

The spark of human connection

There are undoubtedly advances in technology that help humanity. However, humans need human contact. Technology will never be able to replicate much less replace this basic human need.

Typically, in many scenarios, technology can only be trusted to let us down on a regular basis. When it does, a human must step in resulting in the process taking double the time of having a human do it in the first place.

There is a time and place for all things including technology. But perhaps there remains a question around where technology helps and where it hinders or even harms.  

I read an excellent post online yesterday about a father’s experience of his son attempting to persuade him to shop and bank online. Or in other words, to remove the need to go out and mix with other humans. Isolating ourselves from others is not progress, it’s one of many contributing factors to the growing issues with mental health.

In managing my own health better, I am pleased to say that I am finally practising slowing down. I am no longer attempting to squeeze unrealistic stress raising amounts out of myself or my day (mostly!). This has the added benefit of making everything more manageable and even enjoyable. That’s a win/win right there.

So today as I was calmly making my way through the errands that required me to go into the world, I was pleasantly surprised by some unexpected encounters. Two of which I had in the same supermarket! I bumped in to two people that I vaguely know from other settings. Instead of my usual ‘too busy’ to stop approach, I engaged with each of them.

In doing so, I was richly rewarded with real conversations right there in the middle of the supermarket. There was honesty, vulnerability, two way sharing and a shit ton of laughter! None of that dry, dead, superficial nonsense that seems to be so prevalent. Instead, it was the cut-to-the-chase real. I love that stuff!

When two humans are willing to drop pretence and bullshit, you get a heart-to-heart connection. This gives an enlivening experience that uplifts both parties. And it reminds us to keep our eyes and our hearts open as we go about the drudgery of the day, less we miss the very moments that wait to spark us in to aliveness.

We cannot eradicate the need for human connections by forcing everyone to use online systems. You simply exclude a whole group of people as well as reducing the contact and connections that keep us all alive and human.

The human need for connection may depend on our makeup and circumstances, but we all need this.

How grateful I am to have slowed down enough to see and speak to those I unexpectedly met amid my day.

Unfortunately, I still had to practice keeping my cool when the scanning machine rather predictably required human assistance for every single item. However, even this meant contact with a helpful human rather than just the stress of the malfunctioning technological machine.

Winning, just about!