As we continue to move forward following the recent ‘Freedom Day’, I cannot help but look back to where this all started.
I still recall the shock surrounding that first three week lockdown. I simply could not comprehend surviving an entire three week period with no human contact. I kept longing for the Government to announce that they had made a mistake and would therefore lift these restrictions. But they didn’t. And as we now know almost a year and a half later, that was just the beginning.
Yet as I look back I realise that the longing to go back to the way it had been gradually ebbed away. What developed in its place was a renewed appreciation for a stripped back, slower, simpler lifestyle. (I realise this wasn’t the case for everyone.)
Of course, there were challenges, huge loss and numerous ups and downs.
But I no longer wanted things to revert to the way they were. Yes I wanted to see those I love but no, I didn’t want to run back to all I had known before the intrusion of Covid.
And so in recent weeks, as the invitations to return to pre-covid living have arrived, I have found myself stalling for time.
Back when Covid first appeared, we did not have the luxury of a leisurely adjustment to lockdown. It was instant and somehow we managed no matter how steep the learning curve.
But the easing of restrictions is necessarily more gradual with more scope for individual choice and pace.
It is still another change though and having adjusted to a simpler life, I am reluctant to give this up.
This Covid pause as it is often referred to, has allowed the time and space to re-evaluate every aspect of life. I’ve seen it again and again, how this slower pace has not only allowed us to realise more clearly that which is not working, but also the time and agency to activate change. People are leaving unhealthy relationships, jobs and various other situations that are either unhealthy or just blocking growth. Life is too fragile and fleeting not to.
Whilst Covid was forced upon us, many of these subsequent changes are those we have chosen and for the better.
Both collectively and individually, we have been and continue to find a new way forward.
Whilst we will not forget the losses, particularly of life, there is still time to envision a new way of living.
We are no longer bound to the way it was but free to imagine the way it could be.
We do not have to passively fall back in to our previous lives. We have the choice to implement the changes we long for.
I keep hearing how so many people have been using this time to do up their homes and gardens that many resources are now in short supply.
Perhaps if we have also been sorting through our internal cupboards, not only will we find the pain of the past, not previously faced but also the treasure of dreams long since forgotten and overdue for resurrection.
I know that as I seek out new challenges as well as old dreams in my own life, I am grateful for the unchanging God who holds me firm whilst I take tentative steps on new pathways.
And I feel pretty convinced right now, that no matter how different it looks in each of our lives, that God Himself is calling us all in to a new way …
Not only are we looking in to the face
of a whole new year but actually in to ten whole new years, otherwise known as a
decade!
And, whilst the term ’New Years’ Resolution’
appears to be currently out of favour, the importance of acknowledging this new
time frame remains.
Part of doing so involves acknowledging
the death or ending of the previous year and decade.
We may consider where we were ten years
ago, where we imagined we would be at this point versus where we are now in reality.
There may be regrets as to what was not
achieved or what turned out differently to how we hoped.
Whilst we cannot go back or re-write what
has passed, we can acknowledge such regrets along with any subsequent sense of loss
accompanying them.
We don’t have to leave it there though
or to passively allow another year much less a decade to pass us by if we are not
where we want to be.
Where we do have choices we must decide
whether or not to activate them.
This week as I have reflected upon this,
I have noticed a theme emerging around the influence of death or even the threat
of death to a loved one.
When forced to stare in to the face of
our own mortality by the presence or threat of death, it is common to find ourselves
propelled out of any inertia.
Death may evoke a deeper experiential
knowing that this life thing does not continue forever.
This willingness to engage with mortality,
whether our own or others, can become the pinnacle for change and movement toward
a deeper engagement with life.
But, it is not always the death or threat
of death to a loved one that forces us to engage with life afresh. At times it can be the death or ending of life
as previously known. For whilst us humans
often accept the status quo irrespective of personal cost and loss of aliveness,
death and life will often invite us to search for more.
I often hear people say that the worst
experiences of their life that effectively killed off life as they formerly knew
it, end up becoming the very events that mobilise them in to action to make the
radical changes they long for.
Whilst the death, loss, ending, disappointments
and regrets of the previous year or decade must be acknowledged, they need not deter
us from engaging afresh with all that lay ahead.
The new decade invites us all to enter
in to its embrace and opportunities, its highs and lows, good times and bad.
How will we respond?
Will we dare to make plans or take steps
towards that which we really long for?
It would be safe to say that we are well
and truly in to Autumn.
There is a distinctly non
summer-esque chill in the air, accompanied by tons of the wet stuff and a
drawing in of our evenings.
No matter how many years I have
experienced this, I always hear myself proclaiming in a somewhat surprised
tone, ‘Oh, it’s getting dark already’, as if somehow this is a new phenomena.
Anyway, as I reflected on the change
of season from my beloved summer in to my not so beloved autumn, I began to
look to the parts of this season that I do like. Because, I realise that whilst I have
favourite and least favourite seasons, there is usually something that I relish
about each.
For this particular season, I have rediscovered
the art of making vegetable filled soups. I serve these with homemade soda bread or cheese
scones fresh from the oven. Massive yum!
I have also started appreciating relaxing
in hot, candle lit, bubble baths again.
With four friends having October birthdays,
this means food filled celebrations.
Plus there is the return of the hat. I
love a good hat.
And, as I took a brisk walk early on
a recent Sunday evening, I was reminded afresh of how invigorating an autumn
evening walk can be! It’s all too easy
to stop making the effort to get out for walks once the first chill of Autumn
descends.
But, during that dusk walk I caught
the sun setting over the hills against a silhouette of tree branches. This reminded me once more of how stunning
nature is in every season.
As I reflected, I could not help but
make the comparison with when we are not in our first choice of season on a
personal level. As in, we may stop
noticing what it does have to offer, if we’re not willing to look beyond what
it doesn’t.
The reality is that there are highs
and lows, good and bad in every season of nature or soul.
Like the rest of life, nothing is
black and white.
Whilst the trees are stripped of
their greenery, certain bushes abound in beautifully coloured berries.
I also see the late blooming clematis,
the random poppy and the last few tomatoes.
Similarly, as I look within, I see
some things are ending and others beginning.
For it is indeed a new season.
And, I sense a new space
emerging.
It would seem that sufficient
processing of internal emotions has cleared the way for a new burst of
creativity to come forth.
A new space can be such an exciting
thing.
Afterall, if we want to create
something new, we must first make a space to do so.
We must also resist the temptation to
immediately fill the new space merely for the sake of it. A hasty filling could block the new thing
that is not yet known but that is attempting to come through.
Thus an ability to sit in the new space
alongside any uncertainty is paramount.
Sometimes, the idea of space can cause
folk a great deal of anxiety.
As in, if I slow down or even stop and
be in my own space, will all the emotions I have been attempting to outrun, catch
up with me? To which the answer is yes! But with sufficient understanding and support,
this can offer a healing connection and release, thus freeing up the energy and
space for new things.
Or, the fear is what on earth to do with
an empty space especially if there hasn’t been one for way too long. Almost as if folk fear that the new space will
swallow them whole without them being able to find their way out.
But as we look to nature we see
through repetition that we do not need to spend the autumn or winter months
fretting over the nakedness of the trees as if unsure whether the new leaves of
Spring will ever come.
The above notion
has come up a few times recently.
As people
have spoken to me they have begun to notice that they are on an easy path,
whether by choice or circumstance.
But as they
begin to talk about this easy path, it becomes apparent that easy is serving as
a smoke screen for boring, deadening and motivation for change, removing.
In short, it
is not easy.
Perhaps it
started out as easy at a time when easy was exactly what was needed.
But,
somewhere along the path, it ceased to be easy.
Instead it
became an illusion.
Or maybe a
delusion.
But whichever
‘usion’, it is no longer one of ease.
It would
appear that, that which initially appears to support us, has some kind of best before
date. After which it ceases to evoke the
best from within us. Instead it may cause us to trade our hunger for purpose, meaning
or fulfilment for the illusion of ease.
If left unnoticed
or unchallenged this easy path can slowly and subtly suck out our life blood along
with any desire to persevere, grow, learn or take risks.
Ultimately, it
can diminish our desire to really live. Not exist or endure, but live, as in
fully.
If this
happens, something within us shuts down and we begin a descent in to a zombie
like state where we lose something of our capacity for full presence or
participation.
We may
become stuck on auto pilot, going through the motions without fully inhabiting
our own experience.
If we remain
here, this easy path can turn in to a bad relationship that slowly and subtly
steals all confidence, leaving us unable to leave for fear of the alternative.
If this
happens, our belief system may suffer.
Where we
once believed that we could leave this path to do x, y or z, we may now believe
that such an option is not available or viable, or that we are not
capable. These new fear based beliefs
may feel true enough to prevent us from even checking out their validity.
In short, the
fear that attacks our beliefs may bind us to the very path that is stealing our
vitality, joy, dreams and even our agency to bring about the very changes we
desire.
Basically, we
may become stuck on what has become a very ease free path.
Some people
may call a rut. As in, you can’t go back, you can’t go forward. You are stuck
in a deep rut.
When this
realisation reveals itself, we do have a choice.
We can
remain there. And adopt all manner of unhealthy behaviours to numb out the
reality of doing so.
Or we can
seek help to climb out of that rut and on to a new path.
Whilst help
may come in different forms for us all, a failure to seek it will leave us knowing
that we have traded our dreams or our values for the ease of a comfort zone
that ceases to offer any comfort.
Once
noticed, this sort of truth will nag away at us despite any efforts to suppress
it. It may temporarily disappear but only
to reappear a little later with a vengeance.
There are
always choices.
Choose to
stay and allow ourselves to becoming increasing disillusioned, disengaged and
disenchanted with ourselves and our life.
Or, remind ourselves
what is important and seek some support to do something about it.
If we can take
steps towards a life that reflects our true values and desires, we will find it
much easier to befriend the person in the mirror.
Change, as in real change, is never easy.
It does take time
and it is hard.
But so is living a life that we have basically opted out of.
Will 2019 be your year to start putting in the ground work for the changes you want?
No sooner had I written about the joys of my seemingly endless summer of blackberry picking, bike rides, stream paddling and all things Enid Blyton, when the weather abruptly switched in to what felt decidedly like Winter. At least in comparison. A drop from 31C to 16C.
What a shock to the system!
Many welcomed this.
Not me!
But how quickly change can come.
I reflected upon this earlier in the week as I walked through the fields, accompanied by the constantly changing sky of sunshine and clouds (hoping that it would not rain before I got home).
As I did so I had to acknowledge that both sunshine and rain are needed.
Whilst I love the sun, the summer and all things light and fun, this is of course, not the whole deal. Nor can it be. As much as I have loved this summer of sunshine, it has not been good for all.
In fact, it’s even been fatal for some of our most vulnerable; elderly or infirm.
And, having regularly walked through the farmer’s fields and thus witnessed the sun scorched crops, I’ve felt prompted to pray God’s provision upon them. (I’ve learned over the years that there are no limits to the ways in which God can make provision for us when the unexpected happens). Of course, there will also be a knock-on effect upon pricing for us, the crop consumer.
So, whilst the general consensus is that most of us tend to feel better when the sun is shining (around the mid twenties not thirties), the fact remains that our land cannot survive on sunshine alone. It needs rain too.
Both are needed. Neither work in isolation of the other. They work in unison. Ask a farmer.
Or look at the ‘green spaces’ around. They cease to be green. More of a sun scorched yellow.
Clearly, sunshine alone does not allow the land to thrive.
Even this beauty cannot survive let alone thrive on sunshine alone.
As I looked at the fields that day beneath the rapidly changing sky, I couldn’t help but reflect on the parallels with life.
We all love the good sunny times where everything goes to plan and we feel like life is smiling upon us. Yet things can change in an instant when unexpected difficulties appear in the form of unforeseeable bills, problems, tragedy’s or losses of all shapes and sizes.
Nobody likes this fact.
We can feel hard done by when hit by the unfairness of life.
And of course, the truth is that life is unfair.
For all.
But what is equally true if we care to really think about it, is that life also deals out unfairness the other way around.
What I mean is, that life doesn’t simply spit out misery at seemingly random, always unwanted, moments. Because if we are really honest, it also at times gives us unexpected (and unearned) good fortune. It is just that somehow, we seem to be better at developing amnesia about this kind of unfairness! Myself included. It’s called being human for us humans are way better at remembering what hurts, over what helps or heals!
Life brings joy and life brings pain.
To all.
Without exception.
Or explanation.
It may look different for each of us but it is true for all. Whilst it is easy to fall in to the trap of comparing ourselves to others, it certainly isn’t helpful. We seldom get the full story of the lives of others. Especially if using Facebook as a source of evidence!
I don’t pretend to know why joy and sorrow visit us all. I know only that they do.
Like I equally know that God is my only constant. The very same God who allows me to receive good things that I don’t deserve that have come through no efforts of my own, not only allows these good things to be taken away but also allows me to receive bad things that I equally do not deserve and have not contributed to receiving.
The very same God.
A God who tells me in his word that I will have trouble in this world but a God who also tells me that Jesus has overcome all that life threw at Him. And God promises that Him, Jesus and the Holy spirit will help me to overcome all that life throws at me.
Overcome not meaning avoid, deny, pretend, ignore or sweep under the carpet, but actually overcome. Which in my thinking, not only means to assist me to continue being all that I am capable of being and contributing all that I can to this world, in spite of my own regular deliveries of crap parcels. As well as aided by the unexpected bonuses. But also, to continue living my life with a heart that is open to all that arises.
This God offer of assistance is lifelong.
For all seasons of life.
The joy and the pain.
The sunshine and the rain.
In the words of the Maze song! If you don’t know it, check out the lyrics!
I am reminded of these truths not merely through the fields and the sky but also through my own life experience.
For, just as I have loved the sun drenched days of these past two months, I have also enjoyed a lightness of heart, even more appreciated and enjoyed following the early months of this year where I felt drenched in the gravity of grief.
Yet in these past few weeks, the sadness has begun to arise again. I sense it around the edges of my soul, creeping closer and closer. Only this time I refuse to deny it. I know it is there and I’ve been expecting it. I can acknowledge, name and allow it to come forth and do its work of healing. In the main!
There is of course part of me that doesn’t want this sadness to come again. I have so enjoyed these few months of sunshine and joy, I don’t want more pain or rain.
Yet experience repeatedly reminds me that when I fail to grant my sadness the same respect and attention that I freely give my joy, it begins to block my internal well spring of joy, taking with it my 3D full colour experience of living.
And I don’t want that.
So this week I gave myself some needed space to allow my sadness to come forth.
Crying is so healing. And so precious to our God and Father that he welcomes and collects our tears. Wow!
Afterwards I felt a fresh wave of joy as I wandered freely through the fields. The joy of feeling the sun and the breeze on my face, the space of the open countryside and the time to follow a path that I hadn’t explored before. I felt truly alive and flooded with gratitude.
That’s the thing about grief and sadness and whatever life throws that wounds our hearts. As we allow ourselves to experience and acknowledge our losses and our pain, a new awareness and gratitude arises in response to the simple gifts that life offers even in the midst of the hardest of moments.
A gratitude that fails to come forth when we fail to acknowledge the depths of our sorrows and pain. A gratitude that gets lost and blocked behind a wall of cynicism and sarcasm. Sure signs that we have closed and hardened out hearts in an attempt to block the pain. Not realising that in doing so we also block the joy awaiting to come forth following it.
Sadness and sorrow always feel more painful following periods of contentment and joy for it can be all too easy to forget that the sun will shine again.
Change can come in an instant.
For joy or for pain.
Wanted or unwanted.
And we can adjust.
If only we will acknowledge the need to.
Imagine if we denied the change in temperature and continued to wear clothes fit for a sunny 30 something day when it was raining and cold. We don’t do this. We know that we require protection from hot sunshine just as we do from the rain.
Yet when it comes to matters of the heart and soul, how often do we refuse to prepare or to care for ourselves in the face of the actual as opposed to the wanted season and conditions.
We must learn to work with where our hearts are. Not where we wish them to be.
In doing so, the season of sorrow will pass with more ease.
I regularly hear people tell me that they ‘should’ feel this, that and the other as opposed to what they do feel. And it is often the ideas about what we think we should or should not feel that causes further and unnecessary difficulty.
We feel what we feel.
It is not about attempting to force ourselves not to feel what we feel, whether by attempts to intellectualise, pray or even brute force it away.
What is important, is what we do with what we feel.
This does not mean living by feelings alone without reference to the capacity to think about what is felt or to discern spiritually what is happening or what response is required.
But it does mean we need to cultivate the capacity for compassion.
We still live in what is very much a culture of dismissing any sign of sorrow or pain as ‘wallowing’ or ‘weakness’, despite the truth to the contrary.
We would do well to give our sorrow and pain at least as much attention as our joy and happiness.
The two are a package deal.
We cannot separate them.
Without losing something of the ability to feel alive.
The reality is that life is made up of joy and of sorrow.
We can no more stop this than we can control the sunshine or the rain.
But what we do get to choose is how we respond to these by what we do with them.
Just as we take care of ourselves by preparing for sunshine or rain, we can also take of ourselves by preparing and caring for the varying seasons of our souls.
We need both.
Joy and pain.
It is my pain that increases my capacity for joy and appreciation. At least when I can confront it with honesty.
And it is the joy of loving, that can turn in to the pain of losing.
But, I certainly don’t imagine that God sits at his drawing board planning personalised crap parcels for us all, just to develop a bit more gratitude within us. Whilst I’m sure there is much that God does for each of us that we are not even aware of much less thankful to Him for, He is not in my experience a punitive God. He allows hard stuff and I don’t know why, but I do believe there are reasons that are beyond our vision and comprehension and that God remains the key to finding our way through.
We can fight these hard facts of life forever more, or we can learn to work with what comes. Which doesn’t mean we can’t have a few tantrums along the way or at times feel utterly defeated! We just need to engage with these honestly and to seek the help of God and each other, not to remain in these modes!
Because, just as too much sunshine hardens the ground and the rain softens it, so too can the tragedies of life either harden or soften our hearts depending upon our willingness to fully engage with them.
Of course we’d rather this was not so and we‘d rather the pain stayed away.
At least I know I would.
But the reality is that we cannot stop the sunshine or the rain, the joy or the pain.
Yet we can prepare and practice taking appropriate care of ourselves in the face of every season, of weather or soul.
A few months ago whilst a good friend was putting up some shelves in my cupboard, he discovered an issue with damp.
Upon further investigation it became apparent that the source of this damp was actually the shower next door.
Apparently, the grouting within the tiling in the shower was not done adequately. This meant that the whole time I have lived in the property and used the shower, the water had effectively gone straight through the tiles in to the inner walls and beyond.
Consequently, as water spreads, it had ruined the immediate internal wall, spread further around the bathroom, was beginning to split the skirting boards and was evident in the cupboards and carpet of my back hall, which is where the issue was identified.
Basically, this internally rooted and thus invisible issue, was beginning to make its presence seen and felt externally.
A simple failure to create an adequate boundary had resulted in water getting in to places that are not made for water. The result of which was that a lot of damage was caused.
But, as the damage started internally, it was initially invisible and thus able to continue its work of destruction undetected. But as with all internal issues, when left for long enough, they begin to manifest externally.
I think we know and accept that should we choose to ignore such a problem, it will not simply disappear in to oblivion. No matter how much we may will it to do so!
Instead, that which we ignore, we permit to continue a work of destruction.
And destruct it does.
As was discovered once the internal walls of my bathroom and hall were investigated.
Of course, what could have happened is that the external damage could have been painted or covered over. Yet without dealing with the internal source, it would manifest externally again.
As a Psychotherapist, I can not help but make comparisons between this and the complicated and messy business of being a human. Further hindered by the cultural thinking that deludes us in to pretending that if we ignore any kind of internal issue; traumatic experiences, childhood difficulties, unwanted/uncomfortable feelings, it will simply float off never to be seen (or felt) again.
There is this idea that if we ignore such matters, they will disappear. Such thinking even goes a step further by imagining that if we uncover and explore the source of such issues, we will be causing ourselves unnecessary problems and pain.
In other words, we will come face to face with that which will cause us time, effort, money and potentially pain, to deal with. What is so often not acknowledged is that it will cause us considerably more time, effort, money and pain, to permit it to fester. Maybe not in the immediate term, but most definitely in the longer term.
And so it is that one generation teaches the next the art of sweeping things under the carpet. Something us English folk are in a league of our own with. To our detriment. The collective Society sized carpet of our nation must be at an all time ‘high’.
There is of course a time for when maintaining a stiff upper lip to get through a particular situation can be a sign of strength. But if engaged with as an everyday way of being, you are guaranteeing yourself a lot of unnecessary future issues. Issues whose consequences would be far less reaching were we to face up and deal with them a lot earlier.
It’s a problem.
One reflected in recent statistics regarding the mental health of our Society; from the very young to the very old and all in between.
We’re struggling.
Something, or in truth many things, are simply not working. And if we continue to ignore this we will continue to see the external manifestations of these internal issues spreading.
There is of course no quick fix. Not to anything of such importance and complexity as the human condition.
However, we can begin to acknowledge the value and importance of that which is within us; the heart, mind, soul and spirit. These need to be proactively taken care of, preferably in a preventative way. And when it is not possible to prevent certain experiences, as it so often isn’t, we need to cultivate a new willingness and receptivity to the need to address and invest in these areas.
We need to understand that this is not weakness but wisdom.
The stiff upper lip served us well during the war (I imagine) but it is not serving us particularly well now. As a way of being it is simply adding to the already large backlog of unaddressed internal issues.
It is time to accept that the stiff upper lip has become a hindrance rather than a help.
We need to recognise the value of our insides and begin to treat them accordingly.
On a Societal level, it is too late to be preventative. We are fighting fires without sufficient water to do so. Which doesn’t mean we should not attempt to do what we can. Collective efforts make a difference.
And, I believe, the God who is so often overlooked, is very much wanting and able to help if only we will learn to ask and to collaborate with Him and each other.
But on an individual level, we do not need to passively wait until our internal issues have manifested so destructively that they have hindered our ability to function (crisis) before we begin to give them the attention and support they need and deserve.
We need to look after our insides.
Which means that we need to learn how to re-engage with our own humanity, especially that of our demonised emotions.
Far from making us weak, when used in conjunction with our capacity to think as well as our spirituality, these emotions hold the key to our health, our progress and our experience of being fully alive.
And, just as I needed to engage with the appropriate expertise of those qualified to address my bathroom issues, sometimes us humans need to engage with the expertise of those qualified to assist us with our internal issues.
I spend my days sitting with individuals for whom I have the utmost respect for being willing to ‘do the work’ of dealing with the internal stuff. It’s uncomfortable, painful and costly, all against a backdrop of a Society urging them to ‘sweep it under the carpet and stop causing themselves unnecessary pain’. I respect the courage and honesty of these people and it is a very great privilege to work with them and to witness their lives begin to change for the better.
And I don’t see why my clients should be the only ones to enjoy the life changing benefits of engaging with therapy. So when I struggle, as I have recently with grief, I too engage with a therapist. I cannot offer to others something that I am unwilling to acknowledge a need for or accept help with myself.
Insides matter.
Mine.
Yours.
Ours.
They may remain largely invisible but when denied or ignored for too long, they manifest externally by restricting our capacity to function as we might.
None of us get all this stuff right and the fact is that it is not easy being a broken, messed up human that is vulnerable to getting hurt by life. The alternative is to shut down and exist and endure instead of living.
But if we tend to, rather than deny our internal issues, we will in the long run save ourselves from a lot of unnecessary pain and hassle.
Problems rarely disappear of their own accord. We need to participate in addressing our internal issues. And where appropriate, engage help to do so.
It is always worth the pain of the process when you come through to the other side.
As I finally have with my bathroom.
Following four months without a useable shower, my bathroom is now fully functioning again. The shower was stripped out, all tiles removed, internal walls redone and the whole bathroom redecorated and fitted with a new shower. Yes there was disruption and hassle. But, I can now say, that my bathroom looks even better than it did originally!
It does cost to deal with internal issues.
But it costs more not to.
What do you need to deal with and what support do you need to enlist to do so?
We may fight, resist, deny, ignore, suppress or belittle this reality.
We may cling to all things known and assumed to be certain.
And yet the fact remains that uncertainty is part of life.
Nothing is really certain in this great gift of life.
Except the fact that we will all die.
And on a somewhat more hope inspiring level, that God offers to help and accompany us in all. Irrespective of whether we acknowledge, know, deny, love or hate Him. Or indeed have any other response to Him.
Everything else is uncertain. From what will happen today, let alone tomorrow, to us, to others or to the world.
Uncertainty is a fact of reality which us humans tend to dislike. Me included.
And yet, uncertainty is also an unavoidable part of the pathway to change, growth and new vision. We don’t move from one certainty to another in life. We typically move from something, someone or some situation that is felt to be certain in to something, someone or some situation that is not.
This is how change happens.
This is how we evolve.
This is how we grow.
This is how we shed that which we have outgrown in order to enter that which can facilitate further growth.
Ultimately, this is how we continue living.
And yet to allow this progress to continue occurring is to keep letting go of the knowns or perceived certainties of life. As fragile as they actually are. For we cannot embark upon new pathways if we refuse to leave the old ones.
And this can evoke FEAR – that great stealer of progress.
For it is FEAR that torments us with its cruel whisperings of ‘what if’s’.
It seeks to drive us back in to all that we have felt to be certain. It tempts us to return to the pathways that we have already walked.
Yet in order to make new discoveries, we must try new pathways, with no guarantee of where these will take us or what we will encounter.
This involves RISK.
As I reflect upon this, I realise that part of my own difficulty in writing of late is because I am in the fog of uncertainty. That uncomfortable state that I want to resist. Yet in wanting to grow, I have stepped on to a new pathway which has led me in to this fog of uncertainty. As I am unsure what to do with what I am encountering, I am tempted to turn back to the old known pathways. Yet I know in my hearts that I have done that many times before and to do so again would be cowardly and defeatist.
Knowing that I could not turn back but hesitating to move forward, I became paralysed. Caught in the web of analysis paralysis. Trying to force certain answers ahead of the journey, to avoid the discomfort of uncertainty. I was attempting to gain clarity as to where the next step would take me prior to taking it.
But life doesn’t work like that. We don’t get the guarantee before we take the step. We have to choose to let go of the known and enter the unknown. To tolerate the uncertainty and to accept the risk. To trust that we will learn what we need to only as we enter and embrace the challenges that arise. Rather than giving in to the temptation to run back to the old at the first sign of difficulty or the first time we stumble.
New pathways do present new challenges. And we will not necessarily handle them well at first attempt. We may make mistakes, make a mess, get stuff wrong. This is called learning and this is how we grow.
Uncertainty arises whenever we consider attempting something or some pathway that we have not tried before. It could be in relation to something in life that we have previously refused to face or to engage with. It could be something within us; feelings or experience that we do not know what to do with. Or a certain situation that we are refusing to address, or an area of life that we feel called to enter but have no prior knowledge or experience of.
It is anything within us or our life about which we simply do not know what to do with or what will happen as a result of us addressing and entering in to it.
Whatever the thing is that is full of uncertainty, it sits in front of us screaming for our attention. Yet we may blatantly ignore it or cover with the noise of distraction or start taking ridiculously long routes elsewhere in an attempt to bypass it.
UNCERTAINTY.
It scares us yet it also holds the key to the new season.
Because the only way to progress in life is by continuing to explore unknown territory. To go back is to revisit the same scenery. To go forward is to discover new horizons. But this cannot be done without the presence of uncertainty. It accompanies us on the journey through to new discoveries and landscapes. It can be uncomfortable and daunting to travel with uncertainty but if we can learn to tolerate it, we may just discover our new life.
Whilst contemplating the uncertainty that has accompanied me upon my own new paths of late, a very dear and wise friend of mine has reminded me that the only way to find the clarity we yearn for is by entering this fog of uncertainty. For it is only as we enter it, that it begins to lift.
So, whilst I’m in this fog of uncertainty that accompanies the pathway to growth and change, I will continue to remind myself that I do not need to overthink myself in to inaction. I need to trust and simply put one foot in front of the other, trusting in that which is bigger than me, to guide me to where I need to be and to teach me that which I need to learn en route. No matter how uncomfortable or disorientating the experience may be.
I am choosing to push on, rather than retreat.
I do not know what I will face or how I will respond. But I do know the one who does. Who see’s the big picture, holds the map and knows exactly where He wants to lead me and what He wants to work out within me along the way.
Growth and change are not easy. But they beat the living death that accompanies the alternative.
What are you spending ridiculous amounts of energy avoiding in your life?
Perhaps now is the time to embrace the uncertainty and bite the bullet …
Grief isn’t a nice, tidy, or by any means short process that comes with any kind of manual or end date.
Nor is it something we can control.
It is unique and unpredictable.
But, over time we can learn to recognise and surrender to it rather than resist and prolong it. Not that it ever ends but more that the loss becomes integrated and the absence adjusted to, even when it still hurts.
Ultimately we have to learn to trust the grieving process.
Because when that fresh wave of grief hits, it hits.
You know about it.
There can be no denial of its arrival.
At least not for long.
In fact, we’d do well to notice it coming.
I saw mine on the horizon. Or rather I felt it. The tears that came at inappropriate moments. The stuffing them back down with sugar or salt laden rubbish, the extended and more frequent need for an afternoon nap, the struggle to smile in the presence of so much stifled sadness.
The signs were all there.
I simply refused to read them.
It took a meeting with my best friend and fellow psychotherapist to point out the unwanted obvious.
This was another wave of grief.
I’d come out of the fog of the first few months and people had commented on how much better I looked. I felt better too.
So when the grief began to hit again, I tried to resist it by carrying on as ‘normal’. I liked feeling ‘better’. And I didn’t want to feel sad again. I’ve already had too much sadness for one lifetime.
I resisted, denied, refused and fought this new wave of grief.
I didn’t want it to take me over.
I wasn’t trusting it to do its work of transformation or to deliver me to where I need to be.
All this despite knowing that something as important as the process of grief cannot be ignored. At least not for any real length of time before your body starts protesting via the language of illness. For some, even hospitalisation.
But, like most humans, I also like to buy in to all those palatable ideas about how having the right thoughts, beliefs, or pills, means we don’t have to be ‘so weak’ (read human) as to experience unwanted feelings. I get it. I want this to be true as much as the next person. And if swallowing these ideas came without the consequences it would certainly be a lot easier and less painful.
And so I allowed myself to indulge in a little delusion, despite my training, despite my knowledge, despite the reality that stifled sadness (or any other unwanted emotion) is a great stealer of smiles and obstructer of the internal well of joy.
I know this stuff but like most humans I still sometimes opt for the comfort of denial. No matter how shallow or short lived.
As a friend of mine says, denial is a very long river.
And for a while, I just wanted to swim in it. I didn’t want to get out to face much less engage with the reality that ‘the only cure for grief, is grieving’. (I nicked that expression off some one else but can’t remember who – possibly Kubler Ross).
But anyway …
Grief cannot be fast tracked, thought or prayed away.
Grief has to be grieved.
No quick fix.
No short cut.
No way out, over or above.
Just the long and at times lonely, walk through.
Sometimes it hits so hard, we come to a standstill. One which reminds us afresh of the lost one. Of the pain of having loved that person and no longer having them here in our midst in the way that we used to.
It hurts.
All I can do is ride it out.
And cut myself some slack. Re-check my schedule, re-assess what is really necessary right now and what can wait. Reduce my expectations. Listen to my body and respect its messages.
Ultimately, I can practice a little extra self-care. Experiment with when to push and when to let up. Trial and error. Learning along the way. Making adjustments where necessary.
After all, what really is the rush for anything? Do I have anything if I don’t have my health, if I refuse to stop and allow myself to heal?
Nothing is more important than health.
So I’m prioritising mine right now.
Not ministry, not the housework and not my finances. Because actually, without my health, what use are any of these?
I’m also letting my people know that I’m struggling. That I need a little extra encouragement right now. Because when my world becomes dark with grief, it’s the light of my people that breaks through and reminds me to keep trusting until my own light can shine again.
The finger of God
As I reflect upon my grieving process, I am reminded of how grieving has worked in my life previously, having experienced rather a lot of it. Not always related to death but always to loss.
What I recall is that it goes in cycles. I feel consumed by the grief for a period, then I experience a respite which feels wonderful in comparison, then another round of grief hits, feeling worse than the last because it’s now in contrast to feeling good and so the cycles repeat. Except that each time, the period of grieving becomes less severe and the period of respite becomes longer until the two eventually amalgamate in to a new norm.
It’s a process. One that I’m well versed in. So I know I can trust it to do its work of healing and transformation.
Yet I still need reminding when I’m in its midst for I can lose sight of the purpose of the pain.
This is the pain of healing.
Just like when a physical part of the body is healing and growing in strength again. It too can bring pain as part of the process.
I refuse to bypass this process.
I will not settle for Society’s short sighted offer of a superficial, intellect only healing. Tempting as it may be. I will not force my body to communicate through illness. When it starts warning me through the coldsore, sore throat, headache, nauseau or the really big warning sign, lack of appetite, I stop. I acknowledge my body’s message and respond accordingly.
Which means giving myself permission to do nothing. To simply be. To listen to the birds, to walk amongst God’s beautiful creation, to admire the buds of new life, to watch the sun’s rays bounce off the stillness of the river. I take these moments to just be still and allow myself to reconnect to the joy and privilege of simply being alive. Even when it hurts.
Because at the end of the day, I want a heart level healing. Or more realistically, a healthy heart level adjustment to the absence of the one who made such a difference to my world and my life.
Gosh I miss her.
Her smile, her expressions, her sense of fun and mischief, her laughter, her seeing, getting and reaching me with her love.
A mother’s love.
I want her back.
Now.
I don’t want to accept that she’s not coming back.
And I don’t want to wait until I get to Heaven to see her again.
Yet that’s the price I signed up to pay when I allowed her in to my heart; to mother me, to be a friend, a confidante, an encourager, a supporter, a stabiliser, a security provider, a champion of my dreams, a trusted one to share the day to day with, one to laugh with, cry with, share meals and pray with.
I signed up for this whether I consciously chose to or not. I signed up for the reality that when I allow myself to love someone, I must also accept that I may lose them.
It’s a non-negotiable part of the deal.
The possibility of losing love is part of the package of enjoying the love in the first place.
It’s just how it is. Sometimes we lose the people we love.
And the subsequent loss brings a painful grieving process with it.
It’s the price we pay for loving.
And I wouldn’t change it.
So instead of forcing my sadness deep within assisted by an onslaught of crisps and cake, I’m making a renewed commitment to myself to make time to grieve. Time to allow my tears to come forth, my sadness to be released. Secure in the knowledge that I will come through this with my heart still intact. I refuse to separate or cut off from my sadness or reduce myself to being half hearted. I will not settle for that.
I am choosing to remain full hearted. Even when it hurts to do so. Because this is the only way that I can remain fully connected and fully alive. And for however long I am gifted with the opportunity to live, I want to remain fully connected, fully feeling and fully living. Even now. Because I know that I will come through. I’ll be different as a result but I’ll still be fully alive.
And this business of staying fully alive is absolutely vital to me. Because I don’t believe for a nano second that my Jesus endured what he did on that cross for me to lamely settle for some little half hearted life where I’m shut off from everything that I don’t want to feel. Where in effect, I shut down the centre of who I am, the very lifeblood of my existence; my heart and soul. I just won’t do that.
And subsequently, I am trusting my Jesus to walk me through this. Every step of it. However long it takes. Whether I’m skipping, dancing or dragging myself. Because I believe that Jesus will help me to walk through my grief without relinquishing my ability to remain connected or whole. Or rather as whole as it is possible to be whilst this side of heaven.
It’s been a big wave. And it’s not done yet. But as I allow myself to engage more fully with my pain, I notice my joy for life, begin to filter back through. And somehow it’s sharper, clearer, more 3D, richer and fuller.
Grief hurts … but grief also heals.
It’s a paradox.
But one that it’s worthwhile engaging with.
At least if one wishes to continue living whilst living…
Last week I noticed a clear and recurring theme emerging.
A disturbing one.
It’s around current work place culture.
The notion that you should constantly clamber the career ladder irrespective of personal cost whether to your own health or that of your intimate relationships. And that should you fail to do so, you’ll lose your place in the race forever.
A kind of keeping up with the Joneses, corporate style.
Where people used to obsessively compete and compare with their neighbours using their homes as a measuring tool, irrespective of cost, physical or otherwise, the Joneses approach has gone corporate by extending its reign of ridiculousness to the territory of the workplace. Culminating in a destructive culture of excessive hours and responsibilities along with poor personal boundaries seemingly all in a bid to prove you’re more able to perform in a robotic and inhumane way than the next poor colleague who has become ensnared in this life stealing mindset.
As a result of this, I hear of many people staying within jobs that actually result in their body’s physically manifesting illness, being unable to sleep, some are anxious to the point of throwing up as part of their morning routine and others can’t manage anything outside the office besides gazing at the TV.
Consequently, relationships falter, health deteriorates and overall quality of life disappears. Going through the motions like the living dead becomes the new norm. So subtly and so gradually that it often remains undetected for vast expanses of time. As in years.
Of course the same corporate institution can evoke different responses in all but for many the current workplace culture has become nothing more than a prison. One that can lead to burnout, breakdown or a gradual robotization of our humanity.
Remember the saying, ‘If someone told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?’. It seems we’ve gone a step further and that the revised question is, ‘if Society walks off a cliff, would you follow them?’
I’ve been hearing that this destructive ‘quality of life stealing’ culture is even rampant within universities where it appears to be largely accepted that to ‘do well’, whatever that may mean, is to accept that a breakdown under the pressure to perform, is an inevitable part of the journey.
Recent stats around mental health suggest the problems are actually starting in primary age children – passed down through the generations and aided by a culture obsessed with external productivity. As if we are merely machines without a heart, soul or spirit.
Shocking.
And completely unacceptable.
When did we reduce our young people to becoming academia producing robots devoid of a healthy inner or emotional life or achieving fully rounded humanity?
And when did we forget that even machines can crash when overloaded.
Maybe when the adults fell in to role modelling this by remaining in any workplace that has become little more than a prison.
Do people really believe that ‘just because everyone else’ is doing this, that it’s normal? Or healthy? Or can even be passed off for living?
Is this where fear of the unknown, keeps people imprisoned by that old lie, ‘better the devil you know’.
Is it the tormenting taunts of said devil who whispers, ‘but you know the inside of this prison, you don’t know what it will be like out there beyond these prison walls?’ that keeps so many committed to their prison of choice?
Is it familiarity that keeps people choosing albeit passively, to stay within these types of prisons that steal quality of health, life and relationships?
Does it matter if you don’t know what life beyond your own particular prison looks like if you know the current one is destroying you?
Has our society really been fooled in to believing that life is one long prison sentence whereby we merely get to choose what we will allow to imprison us. In other words which particular prison we will choose to inhabit? Whether the workplace prison or any other institution or even that of an unhealthy relationship?.
I’ve been hearing recently that when one person finally reaches breaking point within their workplace prison, opens their eyes and realises that looking after their own life and health IS an option and IS more valuable than continuing to allow it to destruct within such environments, they quit. At which point, they are clamoured after by all and sundry, to stay. Suddenly pay rises are possible and all the stops are pulled out to keep the one who has decided to walk free, from doing so.
I just keep hearing this right now. Just as one person discovers the courage to open their prison door and start to walk free, the other ‘prisoners’ clamour for them as they go, making vain attempts to pull them back. It’s as if without the courage to release themselves all they feel able to do is to try and stop others.
And that’s the thing about walking free, once you taste it and I mean really taste it, you want others to discover it for their own lives whatever that may mean or look like for them. It’s simply too good not to share.
I realise of course that we all need to earn a living. Absolutely true for us all. But what exactly do we mean by ‘living’ because any job or other situation that destroys your health, relationships or life in general doesn’t equate to living. More, perhaps, to dying.
It is only when people begin to realise that however far back it was, it was THEY who had walked in to their particular prison and therefore it is THEY who can also walk back out again.
In doing so, people tend to go through an often painful, lengthy re-evaluation process which has allowed them to come out the other side to re train or simply to work in a totally different area or way. It usually but not always involves a reduction in earnings. At least initially. Something many would rather run themselves in to an early grave before they would be willing to do. But those who are willing to go through this go on to reclaim their peace, joy, health, sleep, self-respect, motivation and life itself.
In other words, they start living again.
I’m fortunate enough to speak from personal experience as one who left my own workplace prison some thirteen years ago. I’ve walked the path. And I’m still walking the path. It’s long, hard, messy, painful, uncomfortable and costly. But not as much as avoiding it. And I am immensely grateful for the many who have and who continue to help me along it.
Once free, it’s a natural response to help others become free because you realise that you’re not competing with those around you but walking your own path. And you discover from hard won experience that when one enters freedom we all benefit.
Life is short.
It can end at any moment.
Is it really worth choosing to spend whatever precious moments we are given, living in a prison of our own choosing and creation?
Of course, I’m not talking here about situations over which we truly have no control. That’s a whole different area over which we can control only our response. After all, none of us are actually entitled to anything in this life.
I think it’s too easy to forget that anything we are given is a gift, be it health, life, relationships, time, money, or anything else.
But if we’re really honest with ourselves do we sometimes write certain situations off as having no control over them when this is not entirely true? But more the whisperings of our fear?
Do you have the courage to release yourself from your workplace prison?
Release yourself …
Or to say yes to going in search of that which brings you to life and gives you a reason to live. A purpose. An enthusiasm for parting company with the duvet of a morning?
Or will you live, or should I say exist alongside that old adage, ‘better the devil you know’.
Now, I’m not talking about constantly searching for greener pastures. The grass will be as green as you are willing to invest in it becoming. But if you know you’re in a situation that’s crushing the life out of you, what are you going to do about it? Because change takes work and work takes time and effort and usually a lot of help. And these things don’t just happen by themselves.
There is of course no such thing as a perfect job or even a perfect anything in this life but if you know your workplace has become a prison and you’ve allowed yourself to stay irrespective of personal cost because you’ve been backed in to a corner by the taunts of the fear promoting what if brigade, it may just be time to re-evaluate.
Make time to Re-evaluate
Life really is too short to allow a workplace prison to stop you living fully.
As I consider the call to new life as reflected through nature, I cannot help but be drawn to Jesus and the Cross. I recently watched Mary Magdalene and with Easter all around us, I am reminded that Jesus is the ultimate invitation to new life.
His surrender to death on the cross was an act of total trust in God the Father. Jesus trusted God with His life and God turned around the pain of his death on the cross to bring great hope and healing to all people. Ultimately, as an invitation to a new life with God via Jesus.
So if we strip back all the Christianese surrounding the Cross (not to mention all those chocolate eggs and bunnies), what happened went something like this.
Way back when, Adam and Eve lived in perfect connection with God, in the garden of Eden. They had access to everything they could have wanted. But, like us in the present day, they fell in to the trap of believing that it was not enough and subsequently they bought the serpent’s lie that they should have MORE.
This led them to eat from the one tree that God had asked them not to. By disobeying God, they broke the perfect connection between them. In came the culture of blame. Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the serpent.
The innocence, trust, unity and peace they had enjoyed with each other and with God, got broken. In its place, shame, fear, selfishness, strife and division entered humanity. Things got proper messed up.
After this fall out between Adam, Eve and God, the shame they felt about what they had done, caused them to hide from God in fear. But God did not punish them in whatever way they thought they deserved or had expected, for God loved them so much that he wanted to help them find their way back to him. He didn’t want them to be separated by fear of punishment. But, their disobedience was not without consequence for they were banished from the garden of Eden.
Ever since then, our relationships with each other and with God, have been problematic. Without a perfect connection with God, us humans make mistakes, do things we shouldn’t and fail to do what we could, usually out of fear, greed, pride or selfishness. It is now in our nature. There is no such thing as a perfect human. These don’t exist. Not since the fall out. Not now. Aside perhaps from in the minds of the more deluded. But these traits entered during the big fall out in Eden and they don’t fully disappear until we are reunited with God in Heaven.
None of this means that us humans don’t also do some pretty amazing, selfless, pioneering, wonderful things too though. Because we do.
But we all get hurt and we all do wrong and we all have wrong done to us. And all too often we turn away from the very God who wants to help us because we’ve learned to either blame Him for our own actions or those of others, or for the hardships that come our way, or we simply dismiss Him as fantasy.
Anyway, these wrong doings that started with Adam and Eve were rectified by the sacrifice of animal life and in doing so, temporarily reconnected the people to God. But as we’re constantly messing up if only in small ways, this was a continual process of making animal sacrifices, meaning the connection between God and the people was constantly dropping out. A bit like a poor internet service.
This wasn’t good enough.
God wanted a better connection with his people. Although He is often painted as being a God who awaits the chance to punish us, He doesn’t treat us as we may at times deserve. He is too loving a God for that and instead He seeks ways to connect with us by revealing his love for us in spite of ourselves. But as we have seen, our poor choices are not without consequence.
So, because God was unsatisfied with the poor connection between us, He devised a cunning plan. He sent Jesus to show us what God looks like in human form and in action. Jesus was able to showcase the heart of God by demonstrating his love and power through healing humans during his life and ministry. Jesus even raised a few people from the dead. Miraculous.
But God also sent Jesus to re-establish the connection between us and God once and for all by paying the price for our wrongdoings (past, present and future) so that we would no longer be dependent upon an unreliable, unchanging, dropping out regularly type of connection. Instead we could each become and remain connected to God anytime we want. This means that because of Jesus, we can each tap in to God’s love and power to bring healing to our own and others hearts.
Wow!
No more continual sacrificing of animals to pay for our mess ups. Jesus became THE sacrifice, through his death, that gives us ongoing connection to God, His love, His power to heal and the new life that He has for us. Awesome or what?
But how did this come about?
Jesus trusted God.
(NB that Jesus is also God because God is made up of three parts; Jesus is the human part, God is Father, creator and so much more and the third part is the Holy Spirit which was given to us after Jesus left, to speak God’s divine wisdom in to our hearts. See the film The Shack for some creative ideas on this.)
Anyway, God asked Jesus to submit to the authority on earth, despite the fact this authority led Jesus to the cross. Jesus, being God too, could have said ‘no thanks, I’m not really up for that’. Let’s face it, who amongst us could blame him. But he didn’t. Even though, like us, Jesus had the free will to choose, he chose to obey God because he trusted him.
Let us not pretend that this was easy for him. The bible tells us that Jesus sweat blood and tears during the night before the cross. He knew how easy it would be to turn away in fear and that the only way that he could face what He had been called to do, was by calling upon the help of God in prayer.
In surrendering to God’s will to submit to the authority, Jesus freely chose to be led to the most unimaginable pain of the cross. At which point Jesus fulfilled his purpose here on Earth. In life, he showed us the Father’s love in action through healing. In death, he reconnected us to the Father forever more.
Jesus basically rather generously paid through his death for us to have the new life that connection with the Father brings. He has paid the price for everything any of us have, do or will do wrong, so that nothing can ever disconnect us from God again. Jesus is the middle man of all middle men.
We all still have the freedom to ignore the invite to connect with God through Jesus. And let’s face it, Society certainly encourages us to overlook the meaning of Easter by wrapping it in a mass of Chocolate, coloured eggs and cute bunnies.
And if we didn’t come to God freely, it wouldn’t be love but fear and that’s not what He’s looking for. Whilst many have unfortunately bought in to the lie that God is a petty, punitive God looking for chances to punish us with trouble, the truth is that although pain and trials undoubtedly come (Jesus knows all about that), it is God Himself that empowers us to overcome them. So, if we’ve fallen for the lie that God is to blame, we will miss out on the help he offers to bring us through and heal us along the way. (As to why God allows bad stuff to happen, that’s another whole matter – ask your pastor about that one).
Basically it all comes down to trust. Because when we trust God, like Jesus did, no matter how awful things look or are in life, we know that God will turn around the worst situation to bring something of great goodness from it. But that requires us to persevere. Sometimes for a very, very long time before that good thing happens and if we don’t really trust we’ll probably give up before we get there.
So, this Easter, take a moment to consider the meaning of Jesus willingly going to the cross for us. Irrespective of what we’ve come through, how we may have messed up in life, how others may have mistreated us, how broken we are, how desperate for real love or whether we’re simply seeking greater purpose and meaning in life, Jesus knows. He gets us and he gets suffering but he offers to connect us to the God who can help us to find our way out of our old lives and in to the new life that He is calling us to. The God that helps us to fulfil our respective purposes here on Earth, in spite of the rubbish life hurls our way.
What an offer.
Jesus died on Good Friday, which really didn’t look too good at that point.
Rather, it looked like the new life that Jesus taught and promised had died with him.
But no, God raised Him up again on Easter Monday to bring him in to new life.
In doing so God extended the invitation in to new life, through Jesus, to every single one of us.
And God is still extending His personal invitation to us all …
All we have to do this Easter to enter in to this new life, is believe and receive what Jesus has done for us.
And yes, it really is that easy and that’s why it’s called Good News!
