Being human – The middle …

The smile

What an uplifting, heart-warming transaction the smile is when shared freely and fully between two or more humans!

A powerful and totally free gift that we can each give away to whomever we choose whenever we choose.

I once read a quote that said something like a smile is the same in all languages.

How very true.

I remember learning an important lesson about the smile many, many moons ago when I was travelling off the beaten track in China.

As the locals were simply not used to seeing such a spectacle as a group of noisy, white people, they would stand and stare whenever our paths crossed. I interpreted the look on their faces as being quite ferocious. I feared that the locals were not friendly.

As time went on, I decided to engage in a little experiment.

The next time we came face to face with the locals, I tried a different approach. I smiled! And get this … they smiled back! Their faces were instantly transformed by the wearing of the most stunning of smiles! As I suspect was mine!

I concluded from this that we can approach the world and all in it, with suspicion, fearing for the worst, or we can be open and willing to smile at those we encounter along the way.

Now, of course there is a time to be open and trusting and a time to be cautious and discerning. Something I got totally wrong the other week after allowing a salesman in to my home.

Perhaps, recognising when to be open and when to be cautious is one of the many ongoing challenges of being a human.

Anyway, it took me a long time to realise that it wasn’t only in China, that the offering of a smile to another usually results in the receiving of a smile in return!

Just to clarify, I am not talking about going around the place grinning from ear to ear like some kind of lunatic, but just smiling sincerely when you spontaneously make eye contact with another human.

After all, we are all flawed humans doing the best we can, with what we have in the times we find ourselves in. Life can be hard and is often unfair but this is no reason to give up on all that is good, including the ability to smile at our fellow human.

This whole business of the smile fascinates me.

I recall being on a train to New York also many years ago and having a conversation with a family member. They were talking about how we may respond when someone smiles at us. Are we suspicious, do we look away or do we engage by reciprocating this most wonderful of wordless human interactions?

As I contemplated this, I wondered whether I was someone who waits for the other to start the process out of fear of being ignored, rejected or misjudged, or whether I was someone who could risk those things and smile first, regardless. I decided I wanted to experiment with being the latter sort!

Back when I was an adolescent, I recall people often stopping me to comment upon my smile and sometimes to remark that I looked like I was up to something or sharing a private joke with myself!

Sometimes I was, one or both! I’ve been blessed with the ability to laugh at and with myself which I consider to be quite the gift given that I am the only person with me 24/7, unless you count God who has the most incredible sense of humour I have ever encountered! (Who knew back before I noticed the presence of God in life, that He has such comedic qualities?!)

Perhaps as Christians if we were less guilty of boring, superior or religious attitudes, or sometimes all three and instead shared more of God’s life enhancing traits, such as humour and the sharing of smiles, He may seem a more appealing prospect!

Anyway, another smile related incident in my more distant past was when I found myself stood over a table in Church surveying a collection of photo’s of beautiful African children in need of a sponsor. I remember wondering how I was supposed to choose. But then I noticed one little boy who looked very serious. There was not even the merest hint of a smile to be seen. I wondered why not and decided there and then that he was the one I would sponsor. A few years later, I received a photo of him wearing … get this … a smile!! And I can report that they are infectious! His smile made me smile!

But, as we all know, maybe now more than ever, life is not all smiles and fairy dust.

I can recall many times especially during my twenties prior to starting my own healing process that I was often in such a dark and desperate place that I was physically unable to produce a smile. During these times I simply could not manufacture something outwardly that I was unable to experience inwardly.

In those times, the smile of a stranger could break my sense of separation or aloneness in an unexpectedly powerful way, if only for a moment.

A smile is such a simple thing, yet such a gift to give or receive.

I was reminded of this yesterday when I enjoyed the luxury of free time. I chose to get out on my bike to cycle through the beauty of the local villages. I felt happy and free, enjoying the sensation of the wind on my face as I cycled along. I didn’t enjoy the sensation of the rain quite so much a little later! But, as I cycled, I passed numerous walkers and cyclists with whom I exchanged smiles, real smiles, not the sort that don’t reach the eyes. By the time I got home, despite being rather wet, all that giving and receiving of smiles had lifted my soul immensely!

As I reflected upon why I was noticing this so much more than usual, I came to the simple realisation that after a year of smile concealing mask wearing, those I passed who were walking or cycling were like me, without masks. This meant that we were free to see and to share our smiles in a way that the mask has deprived us of.

Whilst it may feel harder to find reasons to smile in times such as these, it remains an incredibly powerful currency to exchange where possible.

Roll on the return to mask free, smile sharing freedom.

Wasted knowledge

As mentioned in my last post, I have recently moved house. Not before hours of deliberating, doubting and finally deciding that this was the right thing to do. It was then a further year from that initial unexpected seedling of an idea to the realisation of arriving within not the first but the second house that I had attempted to buy.

What I have learned is that I would not recommend moving in a pandemic! The stress has been great for my waistline but I certainly wouldn’t suggest it as a sensible weight loss program.

Anyway, now that I have arrived (so to speak) in the new pad, I am running at absolutely everything at approximately 800 miles an hour. I have been emptying boxes, distributing items to new positions, painting walls, hanging pictures, ordering new stuff, planting new flowers … the whole shebang. You name it and I have been doing it.

This is all in between work I might add, which has also been rather busy.

Unsurprisingly I got to Tuesday night of this week and crashed in an exhausted heap before 7.30pm.

Why do I do this to myself?!

And this is what I mean by wasted knowledge. What is the point of knowing the importance of pacing myself when I am unable or maybe unwilling in this case to translate such knowledge in to appropriate action.

I absolutely love the creativity involved in turning a house in to a home. I really do.

But I don’t love exhausting myself in to pre 8pm bedtimes.

And so it was that I took some time off this week to do that thing that we so often cease to do when under pressure or just busy or stressed, whether of our own making or due to the presence of a pandemic. I took time out.

If I look back, I cannot even count on two hands the amount of people who have encouraged, chided and warned me that I ought to slow down and pace myself!

How foolish I am not to listen to those words that I do not want to hear but equally recognise to be true!

Anyway, I have attempted to rectify the situation.

Wednesday saw me trialling out my new wellies over in my beloved fields. I relished the sense of space and freedom afforded by those huge, open spaces.

I also took myself and my mask over to two garden centres to drink in the sight of all those beautiful living things that continue to grow and display colour and form despite the harshness of winter.

Dare I admit that I even stopped to watch my first Christmas film! I usually have a ‘not before December’ rule but these films started back in October so I think I’ve exercised enough restraint. Or more honestly, I have just been too distracted by the home making.

Whilst last Saturday’s newspaper still serves to remind me that I haven’t yet sat down to read it, I have overall managed to separate my foot from the gas. A little.

In fact, today I actually opened and read the letter from my sponsored child that has been looking at me from the kitchen table all week. I was humbled to read that he is praying that God will strengthen me to finish the book that I started writing in Lockdown number one. Gulp. It doesn’t matter how much I am prayed for if I don’t do my part in ensuring that I have the energy to do so!

Whilst I consider myself to be very fortunate to still have work and work that I love as well as a new home to exhaust myself in during these unpredictable Covid coloured times, self care still matters for me and us all.

Whatever our covid-coping strategies or general experiences of this pandemic are whether fortunate, tragic or anywhere in between, we can all forget to practice that which we already know that we need.

As we cross the half way point of this second lockdown along with all that it evokes within us, we must continue to implement the most basic of self care routines from getting out in the fresh air, undertaking some form of exercise, maintaining good enough eating habits, staying connected to others and even getting to bed at a reasonable time.

We know this stuff.

I know this stuff.

Yet there really is no point whatsoever in knowing anything if I or you or we fail to apply such knowledge.

None of us know right now what this Covid accompanied Christmas may look like or how the vaccines will pan out but what we all know is that we need to keep looking after ourselves and each other now more than ever.

The Need to Nourish

Last weekend I gave a talk on nourishment.

We all know we need physical nourishment, but how much thought much less application do we give to our mental, emotional and spiritual need for nourishment?

As I reflected upon this matter, I realised a few things.

Firstly, whilst training for the half marathon last year, I had to physically nourish myself to a whole new degree to facilitate my body keeping up with the additional physical demands I was placing upon it. I had to learn about the different foods required to release sufficient energy to fuel over two hours of running. Equally I had to learn about the foods required for my body to recover and repair after this increased exercise. None of which would have been any use to me had I not then applied that knowledge.

We must nourish our body in line with the demands that we place upon it.

But in addition to the demands we place upon ourselves, we must factor in the age and stage of life that we are in.

For example, post forty my body no longer processes carbohydrates in the way that it used to. This means that my love of chips, crisps, cakes and the likes, basically fast tracks straight to the creation of a spare tyre. As I learned to my detriment last October, the sporting of such a tyre can make the wearing of jeans a very uncomfortable experience.

We need to recognise and understand not just what but how much our body needs to nourish it sufficiently. A failure to do so will inevitably lead to weight gain or loss which if substantial can lead to various other issues.

Most of us know this stuff.

But do we realise that by the same token we must also nourish our minds and hearts sufficiently for the demands that we place upon them.

For example, in my own life, once I began to practice my work on a full time basis, I quickly discovered that I needed to learn a whole new level of nourishment. Just as with the half marathon training, I was asking a whole heap more of myself mentally and emotionally than ever before. As such I needed to increase and improve the way I nourished my heart and mind.

This required a review of who, what and where leaves me feeling nourished and similarly, who, what and where do not. I then implemented the necessary changes.

How easy it is to allow the very things we need most; exercise, time with friends, fun pursuits etc to be squeezed out during the very times that we need them most.

Equally, how easy it can be to become stuck in situations that leave us malnourished.

Similarly, we need to recognise the season that we are in along with the subsequent impact upon our minds and hearts.

For example, in that first year of grief for the loss of my spiritual mother, I needed more time than ever before to simply be. My capacity for all was diminished. Subsequently I spent long periods out walking in the fields or by the sea, I sat in garden centres indulging in serious flower gazing and I had more need of time with those precious people with whom I can bare my soul.

In doing so, I was supporting my heart and mind with their natural capacity to heal. As anyone who knows anything about grief will know, grief doesn’t end or finish, it simply changes and there are things we can do to support this process and things that obstruct it.

As there is more in the media about mental and emotional health we are beginning to gain more awareness and understanding of these vital aspects of our health. Knowledge and understanding alone are not enough. We must apply this.

Do we recognise that we are also spiritual beings who need to nourish our spirits?

Just as with the physical body, mind and heart, we need to nourish our spirits in line with what we are expecting of ourselves as well as recognising the demands of the season we are in.

We need to know not just what nourishes us spiritually and what does not, but we need to apply this in real terms to our daily lives.

Personally I am immensely grateful to be part of a Church that offers me an all round nourishment fest of a Sunday morning. How I love to enter in to the presence of God to worship and remind myself that He is still God no matter what is going on in my life in between Sundays. Plus I get fed a spiritual message by the teacher. Then after the service, I relish the gift of being made a hot drink. All of which is done amidst the embrace of my huge Christian family.

Nourishment central.

Of course I am still responsible for spiritually nourishing myself in between services. It is vital that I recognise that sometimes the hunger I feel is one that only God Almighty can quench. Thus attempts to satisfy such hunger in any other way, will always fall short.

And, just as we generally need more than one physical meal a week, so too do we need regular nourishment mentally, emotionally and spiritually throughout each day and week.

In summary, we need to know ourselves; body, mind, heart and spirit well enough to recognise which part of ourselves is in need of nourishment at any given time and how best to nourish it.

Otherwise, all too often when we have a heart, mind or spiritual need to talk something through with someone or for time outside for a walk or break or to do something fun, we may instead find ourselves mindlessly eating food that is not nutritious or nourishing.

The act of physically eating when your hunger is of a different kind is to temporarily distract yourself from the true source of hunger. After which you are left not only with the original hunger but also with the discomfort of eating unnecessarily.

We all do this to a degree.

Especially me!

But we need to recognise when we are doing it that we may stop to identify the true source of our hunger that we can respond by nourishing it appropriately.

It is a hungry business being a human.

Let us learn how to nourish our hungers in healthy ways.

The better able we are to nourish all the parts of ourselves well, the better able we are to share such nourishment with others.

The heart of the matter

At various points over the years I’ve had a heavy heart every time I’ve heard the realm of emotions demonised within Christian arenas.

I’m encouraged by the new level of receptivity in recent years, but we still have a long way to go.

God gave each of us a heart and I believe He wants us to live with our hearts open to what life has to offer. Whilst also exercising wisdom and discernment in the face of avoidable pain.

But if we avoid the heart by focusing on the spiritual alone, the physical, mental and emotional do not cease to exist or cease to be adversely impacted through cumulative neglect.

I was reminded of this recently when I attended a training day delivered by a fellow Christian and member of BACP. This individual specialises in working with those struggling with addictions in sex, porn and love.

In the simplest form, the root cause of these addictions is an inability to tolerate painful emotions combined with genuine unmet emotional needs. This is further exacerbated by the experience of trauma especially when it occurs during the formative years.

Basically, exactly the same as what drives every other type of addiction or unhealthy behaviour whether around food, drink, drugs, sex, porn, spending, gambling, over work or the more blatant and physical self harm of cutting, burning etc.

But whichever way you look at it, the above are all forms of self harm.

And yet the most important commandment in the bible is still to love the lord your God and love your neighbour as YOURSELF.

It is ironic that our failure to learn how to love ourselves when we hurt can result in us hurting ourselves even more.

The above behaviours which we all fall victim to in various ways are a form of communication that as a society we just haven’t learned how to look after our hearts.

We have not learned how to love or comfort or sooth ourselves when we get hurt. And as we cannot go through life without getting hurt unless we shut our hearts down, which isn’t living, this is pretty important.

Unmet emotional needs drive all our dysfunctions, insecurities, fears and harmful behaviours.

Yet this stuff can be learned.

We all have to learn how to proactively look after our physical health. We understand that we need certain conditions starting from birth for our physical bodies to grow up and mature in as healthy a way as possible. We can’t choose our DNA but we can choose whether to look after our body’s in a healthy or harmful way.

In the same vein, none of us can choose the family we are born in to or the surrounding culture but we can each choose to proactively create the required conditions that facilitate our hearts as well as our minds growing in to maturity. This doesn’t just happen. We have to proactively take responsibility for implementing a healthy rather than harmful way to do so. In short, this means responding to our broken, hurting hearts with love, understanding and compassion.

Not more harmful behaviours.

To neglect our body, mind or heart is to fail to appreciate or understand their worth or their requirements for healthy working.

And such neglect leads to unnecessary harm.

Furthermore we must learn to look after our hearts for a failure to do so can also lead to manifestations of illness within the body.

This means we must get over our collective, ‘no feelings please, we’re British’ approach.

Irrespective of age or gender, every one of us has a heart.

It contains feelings we like and feelings we don’t and the more willing we are to learn how to manage the feelings we dislike, the less vulnerable we are to engaging in unhealthy behaviours or at the extreme, addictions.

Feelings matter.

The heart matters.

Our unmet emotional needs matter.

And fortunately we all have access to a God to whom WE matter.

A God who is able and willing to meet our unmet emotional needs both through those around us and through Him direct.

He is equally able to help us to tolerate rather than deny our difficult emotions.

And He is willing.

Nothing shocks Him.

Let’s face it, there is literally nothing on this earth that He has not seen!

Will we seek His help in the matters of the heart?

Will we accept professional help when He guides us to do so?

Or will we individually and collectively continue to live our lives in little emotional prisons of our own creation because actually on a heart level, we don’t believe God will help us to have a different experience?

The time has come to wake up and realise that the heart matters.

The wisdom of the heart

Sometimes life becomes lack lustre.

It is true that we all experience differing seasons. Some more welcome than others!

But sometimes, it is as if the life blood has been drained from us.

This may be marked by prolonged difficulty with sleeping, lethargy, fatigue, lack of motivation, low mood, indulging in destructive behaviours and even physical ailments.

Often at this point, medication may be sought to get shot of these pesky and unwanted emotions.

And there is of course a time for medication.

However, all too often, upon careful exploration and investigation, another matter becomes apparent.

That is that the individual experiencing these symptoms is in some type of situation; relationship/employment/group that at best is unhealthy for them. This may even have been going on unnoticed and unchallenged for many years, thus leaving them in the above state.

Whilst the progress of medication is vital, if used to suppress the very emotions that are indicating an issue that needs addressing, all they really achieve is enabling the individual to continue in the very situation that is causing the distress in the first instance.

Unfortunately, what compounds this aside from our obsession with the quick fix, is that we are a culture that puts our trust in the mind and its capacity to think, well above our heart and its capacity to feel.

But, when the heart is repeatedly left untended it can and does impact every area of life. The upshot of which can be the type of symptoms I have described above.

As I reflected on this predicament of humanity, I noticed just how difficult it can be for us humans to trust, let alone act upon what our hearts tell us.

As mentioned, our culture dismisses the realm of emotions as if these are just some ridiculous part of ourselves that will simply disappear if we ignore them for long enough.

And so we have developed a personal and collective suspicion over all matters of the heart. We think that it is to be distrusted, silenced and overruled by the mind.

Of course, it is important to point out that we would indeed be foolish to attempt to live by feelings alone.

However, we appear to have thrown out the baby with the bath water.

In doing so we have lost the art of listening to, respecting, discerning and acting upon the wisdom of the heart.

On some level we always know in our hearts what we like and what we don’t.

Yet, despite this inside information, we often commit ourselves to situations; relationships/employment/whatever that we know in our hearts are wrong for us.

This does not necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with the person/job/whatever. They may be phenomenally brilliant. Or not. But if they are not right for us personally we will know this by the sinking of our heart.

But sometimes we find it really difficult to admit or acknowledge let alone act on the truth that our heart is revealing.

At this point, our mind with all its ‘clever’ thoughts may also step in to remind and re-iterate the mantra of our culture; just keep going no matter what the cost and you don’t need to be bothered by the silly business of feelings.

This could be further exacerbated by the chants of the ‘should brigade’. ‘You should be ok with this, you should try harder, you should be grateful, blah blah blah …. ‘.

And this is how we become stuck in something that is not good for us.

Despite our attempts to quieten the warnings of the heart by distracting ourselves with all manner of doing, it will often awaken us in the dead of the night. Here, free from distractions, it brings to mind the situation that is not good for us but that we are attempting to ignore.

If we still dismiss the warnings of the heart, over time, we may become more and more unwell, mentally and physically. A case of the writing is on the body.

And yet still we may endure our situations.

We may struggle to reconcile the discrepancy between what we wish for with the lived experience of the situation.

We just want it to be different and it may be too painful to see that it is not and cannot be.

Fear and doubt may crowd in on us to stifle, shut down and silence these deepest longings of our heart. They may whisper to us that we will not be able to have that which we most authentically long for. And that we must make do with that which is making us unwell.

Sometimes, it is even a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of scripture that keeps folk bound in situations that are harmful for them.

Whatever the reason, when the wisdom of the heart is ignored repeatedly, we get stuck doing the same thing that is getting us the same result.

To choose, whether actively or passively, to stay in any situation that is harmful to us, is a form of self harm.

Somehow this seems to be in keeping with the culture of stiff upper lipping it out and being ‘strong’.

As if it is a sign of superiority to ignore the body’s own warning system that there is a problem that needs tending to.

Or as if it is super spiritual to suffer unnecessarily.

How much of our lives do we end up wasting in situations that do not fit us let alone allow us to grow or thrive? And how often do these situations actually cause us to become diminished in some way?

Maybe through fear of what others would think if we left the situation or fear about where we think we should be especially at certain ages and stages of life.

And yet, if we can face in to our own truths, to the deepest desires of our heart and pursue these with integrity, commitment and support, we can discover and create a life that we actually want to live.

At which point, we can expect to see the return of our energy, motivation and drive, improved sleep and health, renewed enthusiasm and the recovery of our get up and go.

The heart knows.

We would do well to pay attention to it.

Life is way too short and far too fragile to commit any serious amount of it to anything that destroys its quality.

The process of self care

Last weekend I had the gift of a three day weekend.

Something I planned in anticipation of a busy few weeks preparing for various teachings.

Finishing work at 7pm last Thursday, I headed straight to Wolverhampton to stay with a good friend in her beautiful home.

Time with close friends is always precious.

After Friday mornings’ long and leisurely breakfast of feasting and catching up, we headed off for our planned spa day. A longed for day of utter pampering and total relaxation.

Or so we thought!

First off we got in to the Jacuzzi where we quickly discovered that in reality, the chemical filled bubbles splashing repeatedly in to our eyes, felt more like hard work than relaxing! Ditto attempting to sit still, look ladylike and feel comfortable whilst sweating excessively in the steam room!

As such, both experiences were promptly followed by the much more relaxing option of simply lazing on a lounger in a warm room.

Zero effort required.

Finally!

At this point, I resisted the urge to fill this much wanted space with the distraction of a phone. Instead, I closed my eyes to fully focus on the experience of doing absolutely nothing! I was able to relish the sensation of simply being, in a warm, quiet room. Here I could allow myself to indulge in an introverts delight of wall gazing time. Minus the wall.

Processing was in process!

What luxury!

After a while, it was time for our scheduled massages.

And I love a massage.

Mostly.

But, as we compared notes afterwards, we discovered that we had both found them to be bone crunchingly painful in places!

“Relax”, my masseuse repeatedly urged me as she kneaded her knuckles in to my chest bone. Far from relaxing, I was issuing repeat prayers for her to stop! I couldn’t quite bring myself to ask her to stop as I was telling myself that this was ‘good for me and thus I must endure it’!

It turns out that my friend was having exactly the same experience. We laughed as we shared notes on our respective massages along with the privilege of paying for something that in places felt more like an endurance test than a pamper session.

I reflected on how I like the soothing, relaxing aspect of my body being massaged. But, I do not like the bits that are actually releasing stress and tension because these parts of the process cause me pain.

This is the pain of pain release!

Yet it would seem that whilst I want to benefit from the release of stress and pain, I do not want to go through the painful process required to do so!

I can’t help but wonder if this is how some of my clients feel; they like the supportive, comforting part of counselling that sooths their minds and hearts, but they do not like the more painful parts that actually facilitate the release of their internal pain or cause them the discomfort of knowing change needs to occur and they are the ones to make it happen!

Perhaps they, like me, want the end result without having to go through the process required to get there!

A reflection perhaps of our universal human desire to get some place without needing to walk the necessary pathway!

How we like to avoid the effort required, the inevitable pain involved along with the discomfort of uncertainty and risk that accompany us humans if we wish to stay well, alive and growing!

I can’t help but wonder how much extra and unnecessary pain our attempts at pain avoidance, may be causing us!

Point to ponder!

Loss & Life

This week has seen me enjoying a bit of space to simply be, in between the usual commitments.

What a treat.

It has enabled me to do a little processing of recent events such as the sudden death of a young woman. This has also tapped in to the death of my spiritual mother.

I was aided in my ability to engage on a heart level with these deaths via a book a friend lent me. It is called Love, Interrupted, by Simon Thomas. It is an incredibly honest account of Simon’s experience of losing his wife, the mother of his child, within the space of three days. It is quite simply, heart rending.

It serves as a painful reminder of how utterly cruel life sometimes is as well as illustrating the subsequent suffering that such heartache inflicts upon those experiencing it. Not just the death but all the losses that ripple out afterwards; the loss of how it was, the loss of no longer being like others or having what others have. It is almost a series of mini deaths of life as it was known, that follow the initial death.

And, due to the lack of honest conversation around the reality of death or loss, those losses that follow often go unnoticed. At least they do by those not experiencing them. This can really add pain to a process that can already feel unbearable.

I haven’t quite finished reading this book yet and part of me doesn’t want to. Ironically I’m avoiding it ending! I just find it so refreshing and reassuring to read of someone being so honest about the harsh reality of death, the losses that follow and the messy impact it has upon the human heart.

It is rare for someone to resist the urge to down play such a process for fear of whether others can handle it. But I have only the utmost respect for the writer’s courage in sharing this deeply painful, isolating, lonely, angry, messy experience whilst also managing to find moments of utter beauty and joy as him and his son continue to create new ways of living alongside the ongoing loss.

For anyone wanting a better understanding of how grief can be, I would totally recommend this book.

Death and loss are of course an unavoidable part of life.

As much as we don’t like to talk about it, death will come to us all and none amongst us know when.

And whilst death is the most obvious form of loss, it is most certainly not the only form. Loss comes in many guises, lots of which are not visible or acknowledged. Loss may come via the ending or death of a certain situation being what it once was whether a career, health, relationship or anything else. It may also be present via the loss of something that has not happened or been the way we have wanted or anticipated.

Loss infiltrates our lives subtly by continuously.

Things change, situations change, we change.

Death happens.

Life happens.

Change is unavoidable.

And loss runs throughout these realities.

I was reflecting upon these themes during my precious free moments this week. Loss and death are such inevitable and yet painful aspects of our experience of being human.

And yet, all around us, new beginnings and life are equally at work. They don’t cancel one another out or render each other any less meaningful or painful, they simply co-exist.

It has given me great pleasure this week to see the new buds of life that continue to appear in my garden at the moment, from roses to sweetpea’s to clematis. They symbolise such hope. For whilst parts of life are constantly ending and changing, my garden reminds me that new parts continue to emerge and develop.

I love this.

Well, I love the new growth more than I love the old endings and loss! But I do love the way both make up the whole picture.

It is not always easy when there is a loss of the way things were but the more we allow ourselves to engage with the emotional reality of this, the more we become able to notice and embrace the new life that begins to peak through.

I’ve experienced clear moments of the spark of life and joy erupting back through me this week following the stunned haze left by the recent death.

I’m grateful.

Death and loss keep happening.

But so does new life and growth.

The Lies of Labels

This week as I listened to people, I noticed a clear theme emerging.

It is … labels.

I’ve always had an aversion to putting labels on humans. After all how can we possibly reduce something so complex and beautiful as a human, to one or two words. Labels cannot ever convey the depth or wonder of any individual being.

Yet I have also been challenged by someone to consider that certain conditions which can be viewed as labels actually help to inform and educate others as to what an individual lives with. This can be experienced as incredibly helpful by individuals with certain diagnoses when it alerts others to the challenges of said diagnosis. I can see this.

Yet what I am noticing more and more is that we all pick up labels early on in life. They are inevitable. They appear within families where siblings are compared against each other. They appear within peer groups and pretty much anywhere there are humans because we are all so prone to comparing and competing with one another rather than recognising our own value in its own right.

Sometimes, another gives us a label and sometimes we adopt them ourselves. Whichever way round, these labels are usually derogatory as opposed to complimentary in nature.

My problem with labels in this respect is that they appear to stick with some of that hardcore superglue that renders them almost impossible to remove. These can be like those price stickers which are SO annoying to get off.

And the issue with these labels for humans is that they stick to our insides; our minds, hearts and souls where they continue to influence the way that we view ourselves and consequently how much of ourselves we are willing to acknowledge or offer to others or even life itself.

In fact, I would go as far as to say that each derogatory label can serve as a bind or a chain that restricts and restrains us from attempting to step out in to new areas of growth and exploration.

For example, if we are labelled as being no good at x, y or z and an opportunity presents itself in that area, these internal labels may whisper, ‘but you’re no good at that so there is no point in embarrassing yourself by trying’. In this way, they act as restraint that pulls you back or at the very least, renders you stuck or unable to move towards said thing.

Now, of course there are things that we are all good at and things that we are not and we need to be honest about that. But that honesty works both ways as in not just being honest about our own limitations but being equally honest about our own strengths.

It is important that we examine these labels we wear because if we believe a lie about our true potential, this may prevent us from trying things that we are actually able to achieve with the right support.

Each and every one of us is made up of way more parts than any single label could ever hope to convey. By adopting a limiting label, we effectively shut down the parts of ourselves that do not fit the label, thus losing parts of ourselves and reducing our wholeness.

Hence I do not like labels for people.

They are life limiting.

They imprison us in to reduced versions of ourselves.

And the earlier these labels are taken inside of us, the more work is required to remove and replace them with more life giving, accurate ideas about ourselves that allow room for growth.

And so, we must know ourselves well enough to recognise who we really are in order to reject others misplaced notions of who they think we are.

Knowing the truth about who you are, sets you free from the labels that others may put on you. Not just free to know who you are and who you are not, but free to live that truth out, unrestricted, not merely in words but actions too.

Now that’s a freedom worth pursuing.

The Easy Path

The above notion has come up a few times recently.

As people have spoken to me they have begun to notice that they are on an easy path, whether by choice or circumstance.

But as they begin to talk about this easy path, it becomes apparent that easy is serving as a smoke screen for boring, deadening and motivation for change, removing.

In short, it is not easy.

Perhaps it started out as easy at a time when easy was exactly what was needed.

But, somewhere along the path, it ceased to be easy.

Instead it became an illusion.

Or maybe a delusion.

But whichever ‘usion’, it is no longer one of ease.

It would appear that, that which initially appears to support us, has some kind of best before date. After which it ceases to evoke the best from within us. Instead it may cause us to trade our hunger for purpose, meaning or fulfilment for the illusion of ease.

If left unnoticed or unchallenged this easy path can slowly and subtly suck out our life blood along with any desire to persevere, grow, learn or take risks.

Ultimately, it can diminish our desire to really live. Not exist or endure, but live, as in fully.

If this happens, something within us shuts down and we begin a descent in to a zombie like state where we lose something of our capacity for full presence or participation.

We may become stuck on auto pilot, going through the motions without fully inhabiting our own experience.

If we remain here, this easy path can turn in to a bad relationship that slowly and subtly steals all confidence, leaving us unable to leave for fear of the alternative.

If this happens, our belief system may suffer.

Where we once believed that we could leave this path to do x, y or z, we may now believe that such an option is not available or viable, or that we are not capable. These new fear based beliefs may feel true enough to prevent us from even checking out their validity.

In short, the fear that attacks our beliefs may bind us to the very path that is stealing our vitality, joy, dreams and even our agency to bring about the very changes we desire.

Basically, we may become stuck on what has become a very ease free path.

Some people may call a rut. As in, you can’t go back, you can’t go forward. You are stuck in a deep rut.

When this realisation reveals itself, we do have a choice.

We can remain there. And adopt all manner of unhealthy behaviours to numb out the reality of doing so.

Or we can seek help to climb out of that rut and on to a new path.

Whilst help may come in different forms for us all, a failure to seek it will leave us knowing that we have traded our dreams or our values for the ease of a comfort zone that ceases to offer any comfort.

Once noticed, this sort of truth will nag away at us despite any efforts to suppress it. It may temporarily disappear but only to reappear a little later with a vengeance.

There are always choices.

Choose to stay and allow ourselves to becoming increasing disillusioned, disengaged and disenchanted with ourselves and our life.

Or, remind ourselves what is important and seek some support to do something about it.

If we can take steps towards a life that reflects our true values and desires, we will find it much easier to befriend the person in the mirror.

Change, as in real change, is never easy.

It does take time and it is hard.

But so is living a life that we have basically opted out of.

Will 2019 be your year to start putting in the ground work for the changes you want?

The Greatest Gift …

These past few weeks have been hard with a capital HA. Yet through them, I have been reminded of the greatest gift any of us can ever receive.

To clarify, I am not talking about stuff with a fancy brand name or an extortionate price tag.

Or even of the outstanding but ever changing beauty of creation.

Whilst I don’t particularly like Autumn or Winter (with Christmas being the exception), I do so love the stunning array of amber tones that we are fleetingly treated to as we transition between the two seasons.

But what I am talking about is the great gift of friendship.

As in real friendship.

Let me explain.

I am referring to those rare and precious individuals with whom we can be exactly who and how we are. The good, the bad and the best not shared in public! The friends with whom censoring is not required, fear of judgment is absent and the knowledge that we are loved is secure.

Within these friendships we can be authentic, real, vulnerable and honest, safe in the knowledge that our baggage, pain and mess will not be treated as a source of gossip but instead respected for the privilege that it is to be shared with another.

This gift is quite simply, worth more than gold.

For these friends offer us mask free time.

They see us.

They get us.

They love us.

They reach us.

Ultimately, they save us from the desolation of being alone.

A priceless gift.

One that no amount of money can ever buy.

In my experience such people are few and far between and it has taken me many years to sift out those who are from those who are not.

In doing so I now feel incredibly privileged to have reached a place where I have several of these very special people in my life.

They have become, quite simply, my family.

Such a precious, precious gift.

The challenge of course, is to find the time and space to actually be with each other. To actually sit in one another’s company to share in and celebrate the victories, to cry and commiserate on the losses and to rant and rage about the injustices.

There is nothing greater than to spend time in the presence of another where both can be seen and valued just as they are. A friendship based on mutuality. One that understands that sometimes I am in a good place and you are not, sometimes you are and I am not, sometimes we both are and sometimes we both are not. Yet always, there is the freedom to be just as we are.

No pretence.

No hiding.

No masks.

Just raw, honest, messy and beautiful, reality.

A reality that is shared.

It is my experience that through these friendships, any kind of pain can be borne.

These friendships are not a given. They don’t just happen. They are something that when found, must be nurtured, protected, invested in and valued.

Nothing can compare.

In our fast paced, achievement and materialism obsessed culture, it is often time for these relationships that suffers. Subsequently, the increased sense of aloneness adversely impacts our individual and collective mental health.

We must learn to recognise that the gift of time spent with those who truly see us and are seen by us, is one of the greatest gifts we can ever give or receive.

It is sacred.

And, I believe, a gift from God Himself.

For, it is true that only God can be God, but it is equally true that we experience Him and His love through the love of our fellow humans.

I was listening to a sermon just last week on what it is to ‘care for one another’. Not superficially. But in the real sense of actually being there for each other not just for the good times but for all times. And a term was introduced which I had not heard before.

It was … ‘co-pain’.

A French word for one who bears our pain with us.

I love that. It’s the greatest gift we can offer another, to be with them in their pain. Not try to fix it, or to take responsibility for it, thus disempowering them, or to speak false platitudes about it, but just to be with them in it. To offer your presence, your attention, your care, your very you-ness.

What a gift.

It is the most important thing we can recognise or invest in to sustain any kind of quality of life. For without an emotional connection to others, something in us dies. We need the spark of the connection to enliven and sustain us, for we live and learn, hurt and heal within relationship.

I was asked recently what it is that humans want most. As an off the cuff reply, I heard myself respond, ‘to be seen, known and loved as we are’.

Isn’t that a universal human longing?

Isn’t it from a place of being loved, that the desire to be all that we can be, flows out from us in to the world around us?

As I look back upon this year, I see that I have continually found myself deep in the wells of grief for the loss of the person who saw me and gave me a mother’s love. At times, it felt like I would never find my way back up or out of the grief.

Yet again and again, these special individuals have met me in that place and helped me to climb back out on the steps of their love.

Wow!

I am immensely grateful for each and every one of them and I make a point of telling them so. I will also endeavour to continue making time and space to be with them.

So, whilst it is true that I have lost the love of a mother this year and that the pain of that continues, it is equally true that I have gained a whole new awareness of the love of those friends who are true sisters.

What richer gift could I realise, receive or give, as we approach Christmas.