Month: December 2019

Au-revoir 2019

It is the last day of 2019.

But before I jump in to all that 2020 has to offer, I’m taking a little time to reflect and review the lessons of 2019.

This been a year of real highs, painful lows and all in between.

The highs as I have stepped out in to new areas have been scary and enlivening in equal measure.  I am grateful for their presence, their lessons and the growth that they have evoked.

The losses, deaths and lows have reminded me afresh of the fragile and fleeting nature of this thing called life.

Both of which remind me of two things.

Firstly, that people are the most important part of life.

And secondly, that loving people is the most important thing to do in life.

Some of the other lessons taught to me by 2019 are summarised below.

I learned not to ignore anything in life that repeatedly causes my heart to sink. Whilst some stuff cannot be chosen or controlled, some can and life is way too short to choose heart sinking stuff.

Some things just don’t need to be said.  In the face of another’s spikes, I don’t need to retaliate with a combative spike of my own!  I can just let it go!  Really!  Years of my lovely Margaret gently manoeuvring her way around my multiple spikes, is beginning to pay off!  Yay!

I have increased my sensitivity to the subtle tug of the reins when God says, ‘Woah, slow down and hold on a moment lady’!  To my favour!  Perhaps He really does know what’s best for me!

I discovered that in the face of an anger evoking situation from which I cannot remove myself, that to stubbornly hold on to said anger is not only an exercise in futility but also one that makes me a much uglier and more miserable individual myself!

I equally realised that any kind of bad behaviour (others or my own) is always an expression of pain that cannot at that moment be articulated in any other way.  Whilst this does not excuse any such behaviour (others or my own), there are helpful and unhelpful, kind and unkind ways of responding.

I had the experience of not only feeling nervous about teaching or preaching but also experiencing great joy during the delivery.  Halleluyah!

I realised that no matter what position or power or influence or privilege people hold, they are all just flawed people with the guts and commitment to have a go and to learn along the way.  And that helped me to put my flawed self in to positions where I would be exposed and inevitably criticised.   And when the criticisms came, I discovered that I would choose these any day of the week over an inability to respect myself for shying away from the invitations of life.

No matter how many years/decades/whatever you have been praying for certain situations without visible results, never ever give up.  Equally accept that alongside that prayer, we too may have a part to play.

I learned that my ability to show love to others is not dependent upon their treatment of me but rather on my capacity to receive and to share of the never ending love of God.  Liberation central.

I was shown afresh in numerous ways that God is no tight wad!  When He asks you to do something, He provides the readies to do so!  He is indeed a generous God and His generosity like every other part of Him is for us to share.

As a child, my father regularly used to say, ‘what’s the rush?’ in defence of his perpetual lateness.  Whilst I found this irksome and irritating, I now hear those words afresh.  Whilst I still dislike lateness, I am beginning to understand more and more that to rush is usually to slow one down.

My commitment to leaving more space in my diary has paid off.  It has provided a spontaneity whether for solitude or for unexpected social situations, that an overscheduled diary cannot accommodate.  

It always amazes me that I think I know these things.

And then life teaches me a whole new level of knowing which brings the revelation that I really know very little about very little!

But I pray that I will continue to love to learn regardless.

As I look forward in to 2020, I have a few thoughts about what to focus on.

I aim to reduce my time spent watching rubbish TV, increase my time spent reading other peoples work, continue to spend time outside in every season, organise and host more social events, write my first book which I’ve been threatening to write for as long as I can remember, eat less cake (will need extra supernatural assistance for this one) and constantly remind myself to just slow down and surrender to the natural rhythms of life.

God really is in control and trustworthy to sustain and lead me and us in all.

And so as 2019 draws to a close, I find myself ready to just let it go, (apart from all those lessons!) that I may be ready and willing to embrace 2020.

Countdown to Christmas

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Only a trinity of sleeps to go!

It’s crept up like it usually does but the countdown is now clearly on.

During the past week or so when my more organised friends began giving me gifts and cards, I realised that I needed to get my head out of its ‘big decision making’ space and promptly bring it in to, ‘it’s CHRISTMAS’ space!

And so since then, I’ve been playing catch up.

Because, as I’ve said before, I LOVE all things Christmas! 

I’ve been sporting my cheddar loaded reindeer clad Christmas jumper, I’ve baked mince pies with mixed results, bought most of my gifts and eaten out more times than my jeans are comfortable with.  

All in the name of Christmas catch ups with the people that I love and am grateful to share life with. 

It’s been feastastik.  

And there is still so much more to come!

I’ve also attended three Christmas parties including one silent disco, which was SO much fun!  The last party which allowed me to celebrate finishing work on Friday saw me as the last one on the dance floor at 1.00am when it closed!  Gosh I love dancing!  And I haven’t done enough this year so I need to rectify that in 2020.

But with all that aside, I equally recognise that Christmas isn’t all feasting and festive frolics.

It can of course also be an incredibly challenging, painful or lonely time. 

A time where we do not simply celebrate who and what we do have but where we also feel the pain of who and what we do not have.

As such Christmas, like the rest of life, can be a real mix of joy, sadness and all in between.  There is such expectation and pressure to be jolly and frivolous despite this not reflecting the experience of all.

When I think back to Christmas two years ago, I remember the devastation of watching my beautiful spiritual mother deteriorate day by day until her death in January.  It was heart breaking. 

Last year I was fortunate enough to be within the love of my new NZ family when the anniversary of this hit.

This year I will be amongst friends.

Christmas can be difficult for all manner of reasons.

I’ve been particularly delighted this year to see local restaurants responding to those who are alone by offering a free Christmas meal.   

Now that’s what I call putting your money where your mouth is.

And that is at the heart of Christ and Christmas; love in word and deed.

It is a time that serves to remind us all of what really matters in life.

Because when we strip back all the theology, the religion and the misinterpretations, the real message of Christ is one of pure love.  

His is a love that shows kindness and genuine care to others irrespective of any response.  And not just to those that we know and love but to anyone that we come in to contact with.  

Love is an attitude and a way of being.

It’s not all about the big gestures either.  

It may just be a smile or a text, a call or a helping hand.  

We know what love looks like, we just get so busy and distracted by life, so consumed by our own circumstances that we cease to notice the needs of those around us or even to recognise those reaching out to us.

But we all need love and we are all capable of giving it.  

Not sparingly but generously.  

Not in a select, I’ll give it to you but not to you way, but to all.

Because whether we are in pain this Christmas or bouncing off the walls with festiveness or even anywhere in between, we all need to be loved.

And Christmas reminds us that Christ was born and He still lives and He still loves and whether you are hurting or celebrating, He offers to be a stabilising, dependable source of unwavering love.

As far as I am concerned, that is a reminder worth having every year because it seems to get forgotten very easily between January and November.

Let us all drink deeply this Christmas of all that Christ is that we may attempt to share this love with each other for the whole year round.

Making decisions

Life presents us with an ongoing series of situations that require us to make decisions.

At times this can feel super scary and uncomfortably grown up.

Just to clarify, I’m still working on what the term grown up actually means!  All the humans I’ve ever met or known were an interesting and varied mix of grown up and infantile characteristics!

Including me!

But life is a constantly evolving collage of all the decisions that we have ever made along with all those that lay ahead.

Some decisions are small with minimum impact. 

For example, I am someone who considers the whole of December to be Christmas month (not that we have to wait until December to remember what life is really about). But as December approached I needed to decide what type of Christmas tree to buy.  I always buy real as I’m no fan of fakery but what size and base type?  After checking out the options, I decided I didn’t want a tacky looking pot when I could have what I considered to be the preferable rustic look offered by the base that has been carved in to a beautiful flat log sphere. 

Having decided the type of tree base I wanted, I headed to the local provider.  After much deliberation I chose my tree and the guy serving put it through the net machine.  Here, the lady next to me told me that they would be putting their tree to soak in a pot over night.  Oh, I thought.  How will I water mine?  The answer to which was that I would also need to get a special plant pot to stand the tree in to allow it to quench its thirst.  This also meant having the bottom part that I was particularly drawn to, chopped off!!

Not my best decision but the consequence was marginal!  And next year I will remember why I don’t want a tree with a base that looks great!  Perhaps I could get away with it if I was one who put my tree up on Christmas Eve but going for gold from the first just isn’t going to work!

However, other decisions are scarily big complete with major consequences.

As I was currently pondering a major life decision, I got stuck on the whole saying no to this means saying yes to the unknown.

Because quite often, we must let go of the thing that we know without knowing what will come next.  This introduces a thing called risk for we must take the step without any guarantee of what is to come.   And that can feel pretty uncomfortable.

As I pondered, reflected, deliberated and repeatedly prayed my top most used prayer, ‘HELP ME God!’, I began to see a little more clearly.

I also noticed the following Paulo Coelho quote, ‘everything we need to learn is always there before us; we just have to look around us with respect and attention in order to discover where God is leading us and which step we should take next.’

I heartily agree as I believe that God is constantly speaking to us through our daily surroundings in order to guide and help us.  I just know that personally I’m probably not paying attention most of the time as I’m too distracted and consumed by other things.

But in the face of a blindingly obvious need for God’s assistance, I began to pay a tad more attention than usual!

And I began to see a way forward. 

Not much of it. 

But enough to know what my first step should be.  In other words I knew what I would be taking one step away from, if not where said step would be taking me towards.

As I deliberated before biting the bullet of taking this first irreversible step, I read about how the priests led by Joshua had to step out in to the Jordan River before it stopped flowing.  This was a river that was at flood point at that stage.  Yet when the priests touched the river with their feet, it instantly stopped flowing. As I considered this, I was reminded that you have to take the step before you see what will happen.

Encouraged by this, I was able to take that first step.

And so it is that the great unknown beckons again.

I still have moments of wondering if I have lost the plot but mostly I feel really rather excited!

As I reflect upon the previous fifteen years I realise that I left my position amongst the play-it-safers back when I first gave up a ‘secure’ job to rent my house and explore the world.

Following my return, accompanied by a vibrant, life giving faith, I took ten years out to retrain which also happened to involve eight house moves.  

So I have learned a little about change, risk taking and decision making!  As well as how to trust the God who sees what I don’t.

So here I am again, relinquishing the play it safe approach for the put my faith in to action approach.

There are no guarantees.

There is risk.

There are consequences.

But I am game!

And after all that serious, grown up decision making, it was time for me to relax at my first Christmas Doo of the season.  Plenty of feasting and dancing followed.

Decision making is not always an easy thing.

But to do nothing when there is a need to do something, can at times be the biggest risk we can take.

Free Time

This can become the gift that we refuse to receive.

Because who isn’t fighting some kind of virus right now or at the very least, just plain tired?

It is as if we are all ready for the Christmas break a month ahead of schedule.

Including me.

Life can get stupidly full.

We live within a culture that rarely recognises the value let alone the necessity of free time or rest.

The nonstop stimulation/attention demanding nature of constantly ‘on’ technology means that it is an ongoing challenge to switch off the technology let alone the mind.

It is as if the concept of free time has become too costly to indulge in when there is always something or someone wanting our attention.

With little or no thought to the personal cost of being constantly ‘on’.

The physical body needs time to be free from the exertions of activity.  Ditto the heart, mind and soul.

And yet, in addition to the advances of technology, there is an all pervasive cultural ideology that can guilt trip us in the face of free time.

What I mean is that often people have accepted a belief that rest or downtime or free time is wasteful or even a sign of laziness.

Many are tormented by internal harsh task masters that drive them to constantly be doing.

Their value has become enmeshed with their activity and productivity rather than the essence of who they are.

Exhausting and unnecessary especially in the face of a God who loves us as we are, rather than for what we do.  The paradox being that in the face of such a love, one feels naturally motivated to do what one is able.  The challenge then becomes in knowing when to stop doing in order to rest.

It would seem that within our frenetic pace of life, our capacity for self care has become considerably diminished.

We have lost the ability to appreciate and enjoy free time.

Time out.

Down time.

Off time.

Rest.

Space.

Quiet.

Time to allow our body, mind, heart and soul to be still.

Time to restore, recharge, recover and reboot.

For me this week, it was time to walk or run amongst the stunning array of autumnal colours displayed in the leaves currently cushioning the walkways.  

Time to celebrate a birthday with a good friend, obviously involving excessive amounts of sugar loaded treats.

Or time to try a new spiced apple cake recipe.  So good I accidentally devoured a large chunk in place of dinner.  Oops.

Or time to sample my first home made mince pie of the season.  Warmed!

Or time to walk instead of drive and thus to notice this squirrel eating out of the bin.  Maybe he has a nut allergy.

And even time to notice and capture this frozen cobweb shimmering in the sunlight of the frosty morning.

We can all fall in to the trap of utilising every minute of every day to be doing.

But time out and off are not optional extras for this thing called life.

They are the fuel that stops us from burning out.

And when we refuse to take care of ourselves by making and using the gift of free time, we are falling in to a way of being that is more harmful than healthy.

At this time of year, the body protests via lowered immunity leading to increased susceptibility to all the seasonal viruses seeking a host.

There is much that we cannot control or prevent.

But we can choose whether to take the time out that we need to maintain the best level of health that we can.

A refusal to take time out to rest impacts our health.

The constant activity also impacts our relationships because these also require our time, attention and love.

And relationships start with the relationship with the self.

As we approach what can be one of the busiest seasons of the year, one of the best gifts of self care that we can give ourselves is to plan in some down time!