I find myself scratching my head and wondering how it can possibly be June.
The last few months have disappeared in a blur of relentless stress evoking problems between the car, the house and the cat. I haven’t been able to see straight let alone think clearly, or write anything.
It is as if I have been stuck in some kind of an internal ‘updating in process’ mode whilst trudging my way through the external stuff.
In the midst of these problems, I lost sight of myself, my vision, my passion, my courage and at times, my God. I am most grateful to all those who were able to remind and re-ground me during this time.
But now, it is as if the storm has spat me back out only to realise that a quarter of the year has passed since I last looked up let alone out!
And the view all round is remarkably different.
Fortunately I was able to take a few days out to recover by reuniting myself with the soothing sights and sounds of beautiful sun drenched seascapes. Yes, even in England. Summer may have been late but it has finally arrived. For now, at least.
My soul could relax once more.
As if to symbolise the previous few months, the day before I headed for the coast, I discovered myself or rather my t-shirt to have been the landing place for a bird’s you know what. Something I noticed as I sat in my garden following a run in the fields. Oh well, I thought, it isn’t the first time a bird has unleashed its insides on me and it probably wont be the last.
However, I wasn’t expecting another onslaught the very next day whilst wandering by the sea! It was only when I touched my dress that the wet dripping white stuff I came in to contact with alerted me to the fact that I had been hit again!
Seriously, what are the chances of having two consecutive days across two different locations resulting in two successful splats from the winged of the species? I actually turned to Google to check out the odds! I discovered that it is apparently more likely that I would win the lottery. Not to mention preferable! And no, I did not buy a ticket and yes I probably should have!
This encounter pretty much summed up my experience of the previous three months!
But, these experiences also reminded me that I could (eventually) clean myself down, pick myself up and continue along my way!
Ditto when I came off my bike this week! After landing in a crumpled triangle with my legs in the air, I clocked three pairs of human eyes all on me which was definitely not my most dignified of moments!
Yet as I cycled off, feeling embarrassed but physically unhurt, I could not help but reflect on the parallels of life. Sometimes, we fall, sometimes we look a bit stupid, sometimes we get hurt if only our pride, but does this mean that we should stand still and never move again just in case … ? Absolutely not!!!
And now as I look back, apart from thinking as I often do that hindsight would be wonderful if only it were to show up a little earlier, I can begin to see ahead with a little more clarity.
These past three months have not only shaken me to my core but they have also uprooted me from the comfort zone that I had not even realised I was entrenched in. I now see with new vision those things that I need to let go of and the actions required to move me from where I am to where I would like to be.
I am in transition.
It has not been a comfortable process to get here!
I now know that I can no longer stay long term in certain places but I’m yet to know where this process of movement and exploration will take me.
When I first began to emerge from the stress storm, I was consumed with fear, uncertainty and exhaustion. I felt clean out of energy, motivation, creativity, faith or courage. Basically all the essentials for embracing a transition!
And so, the extra self care afforded by sea staring therapy, immersing myself in the greenery of fields accompanied by a backdrop of birdsong and consuming disgustingly huge but delicious pieces of cakes cooked by local establishments have all allowed me to refuel my soul and spirit sufficiently to turn my recent realisations in to actions.
Naively, prior to this episode, I had assumed that I was super down with the whole not getting stuck in the comfort zone thing!
I am now humbly reminded that I was simply in between cycles! Right now, I am in the midst of yet another cycle of the human tendency to cling to the known! This in spite of all my training, personal and professional experience!! How good it is (eventually) to be liberated by the reminder that I am still, in all areas just as human as … the next human and just as much of a lifelong learner in spite of all those lessons I thought I had already learned!
All good grist for the mill a good friend reminded me! If only my mill didn’t seem to need quite so many top ups!
Anyway, I feel as if I have been shaken hard enough to get me to loosen my vicelike grip on the things that prevent me developing. As I do so, I begin, despite the accompanying fear, to move towards a time and place of new challenge, risk and growth.
Ultimately, a place of increased aliveness!
It scares me but now I am aware of a growing presence of excitement too. Accompanied by both of these and cheered on by those who remind me who I am and what I believe in, when I have forgotten, I will continue to explore the possible ways forward.