May 2019 – The middle …

The Lies of Labels

This week as I listened to people, I noticed a clear theme emerging.

It is … labels.

I’ve always had an aversion to putting labels on humans. After all how can we possibly reduce something so complex and beautiful as a human, to one or two words. Labels cannot ever convey the depth or wonder of any individual being.

Yet I have also been challenged by someone to consider that certain conditions which can be viewed as labels actually help to inform and educate others as to what an individual lives with. This can be experienced as incredibly helpful by individuals with certain diagnoses when it alerts others to the challenges of said diagnosis. I can see this.

Yet what I am noticing more and more is that we all pick up labels early on in life. They are inevitable. They appear within families where siblings are compared against each other. They appear within peer groups and pretty much anywhere there are humans because we are all so prone to comparing and competing with one another rather than recognising our own value in its own right.

Sometimes, another gives us a label and sometimes we adopt them ourselves. Whichever way round, these labels are usually derogatory as opposed to complimentary in nature.

My problem with labels in this respect is that they appear to stick with some of that hardcore superglue that renders them almost impossible to remove. These can be like those price stickers which are SO annoying to get off.

And the issue with these labels for humans is that they stick to our insides; our minds, hearts and souls where they continue to influence the way that we view ourselves and consequently how much of ourselves we are willing to acknowledge or offer to others or even life itself.

In fact, I would go as far as to say that each derogatory label can serve as a bind or a chain that restricts and restrains us from attempting to step out in to new areas of growth and exploration.

For example, if we are labelled as being no good at x, y or z and an opportunity presents itself in that area, these internal labels may whisper, ‘but you’re no good at that so there is no point in embarrassing yourself by trying’. In this way, they act as restraint that pulls you back or at the very least, renders you stuck or unable to move towards said thing.

Now, of course there are things that we are all good at and things that we are not and we need to be honest about that. But that honesty works both ways as in not just being honest about our own limitations but being equally honest about our own strengths.

It is important that we examine these labels we wear because if we believe a lie about our true potential, this may prevent us from trying things that we are actually able to achieve with the right support.

Each and every one of us is made up of way more parts than any single label could ever hope to convey. By adopting a limiting label, we effectively shut down the parts of ourselves that do not fit the label, thus losing parts of ourselves and reducing our wholeness.

Hence I do not like labels for people.

They are life limiting.

They imprison us in to reduced versions of ourselves.

And the earlier these labels are taken inside of us, the more work is required to remove and replace them with more life giving, accurate ideas about ourselves that allow room for growth.

And so, we must know ourselves well enough to recognise who we really are in order to reject others misplaced notions of who they think we are.

Knowing the truth about who you are, sets you free from the labels that others may put on you. Not just free to know who you are and who you are not, but free to live that truth out, unrestricted, not merely in words but actions too.

Now that’s a freedom worth pursuing.

The Garden as Teacher

It’s finally become warm enough to start planting up my garden. I love this time of year when I can start growing all manner of flowers and vegetables.

As I reflected upon this I realised that my approach to gardening has changed. My first years foray in to gardening consisted of buying the plants fully in flower.

I wanted an instant garden.

But my instant garden very quickly began to teach me that which appears in an instant, seldom lasts. Because I discovered pretty quickly that flowers that are bought in full bloom die off. At which point I thought that I had killed them and would have to buy more!

Fortunately, I was educated that when you continue to look after these plants, and to remove the dead parts, in time, new flowers come through. It could otherwise have been a very expensive first summer of gardening!

I learned a lot that first year.

First off my beautiful display of flowers was almost completely destroyed by slugs and snails. I had to learn how to protect the new life that I was nurturing from that which was attempting to destroy it. After trying all the eggs shell, coffee grinds, beer traps and picking them off after dark tricks, I did resort to pellets.

I also had to learn about seasons and cycles as well as which plants like lots of sun and or water and which don’t. There was a lot of trial and error.

But quite unexpectedly for me, right from that first year my garden began to teach me about trust, patience, care and timing.

Especially when it looked like nothing was happening to a plant on the surface yet when I continued to care for it, in its own time, new flowers began to burst forth.

I began to see parallels between the plants and us humans. Even when we feel like nothing is happening outwardly or we cannot see signs of progress, when we continue to apply appropriate self care, things do happen beneath the surface. For in time, we too begin to bloom again.

I do so love to watch what is happening in my garden.

Each morning I take my cup of coffee around the garden to survey the new life. Each new bud or flower evokes immense pleasure!

Since that first year I’ve experimented with a bit of fruit and veg. Some of which was successful, others not.

But consistently, it has taught me about watching and waiting.

Now, in my fourth summer of gardening, I have noticed that although I buy a few plants that are already in bloom, I have mostly bought little bedding plants that will take weeks of continuous care before they show any signs of their potential beauty.

I am no longer seeking the instant garden for I am immensely enjoying the process of nurturing, watching and waiting for these plants to flower.

Because although sometimes it is great to have something instantly, more often than not, there is more pleasure to be gained from the process of creating and waiting!

There is a level of satisfaction and reward within this that does not arise from the instant gratification approach.

The end result is all the more enriching for the waiting.

And the increased ability to wait does of course go hand in hand with an increased ability to trust and to recognise and respect timing.

I continue to enjoy all that my garden teaches me.

So much of which, can be applied to life itself.

From striving to surrender

One of the major challenges of being someone who is passionate about so many different things is how to focus and distribute my energy wisely.

There are so many different things I want and love to do.

Yet I only have a certain amount of hours per day as well as energy per hour. And I’ve been attempting to squeeze too much out of myself to invest in all of my passions at once.

The result of which has been that I’ve ended up running around at a ridiculous speed without really making serious progress on anything or even enjoying the process.

What folly!

Of course this is standard modern day living. But I don’t want to ‘live’ at such an exhausting, unsustainable, frantic and counterproductive pace.

It was becoming particularly pronounced over these past few weeks where it was seriously beginning to wear me down.

A quote I once read kept appearing in my mind.

‘God does not assign us an overload’ – by I can’t remember who.

Hmm.

So why was I assigning me an overload?

Similarly, I kept thinking about the scripture in the message version of Matthew 11:28-30.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me – watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly”.

I love this, especially ‘the unforced rhythms of grace and learn to live freely and lightly!’

Yes please!

And every so often I get in the place where I experience these things and I think yes!! I’m in the God led sweet spot and what could be sweeter. But before I know it, I’ve veered off God’s course again and on to my own. Striving, forcing, rushing and stressing replace surrender, trust and being in the flow.

Sigh!

So having been partially aware of this for some time now, I decided to examine the situation more closely.

As I waded through my confusion about what projects to focus on, I discovered that actually, God gave me a very clear remit back at the start of the year. On reflection, every time I had worked on something in line with that, there was that flow. The ideas and inspiration appeared as and when I needed them. Sure, I had to do my part and apply myself but things flowed.

Yet every time I raced off down my own path on to something else, there was the exhaustion and frustration of striving and tail chasing.

Time to revise the game plan.

Again.

As in, back to what I should have been doing in the first place.

Having parked that for which it is not time and refocused my energy on where it should be, my sense of order has been restored, a sense of movement re-instated and my previously AWOL peace, joy and enthusiasm, are back in town!

Yay!

Now to try and keep them there!

Because, no matter how hard I work to recover more space in my day, life and home, when I’m investing in things that are not in season, my efforts become a source of frustration rather than fruit.

How grateful I am that God is so patient with me!

The search for space

Modern day living can be so exhausting.

The nonstop activity coupled with the nonstop bombardment of information makes for an exhausting combo. One that is particularly bad for our mental and emotional health. I think I read somewhere that nonstop stimulation is the equivalent physically of working out in a gym continuously.

As in, we’re just not made to have our eyes, ears, minds and hearts continuously filled with words, pictures, noise and general stimulation. It is quite seriously bad for our health. At least it is for mine. The older I get the more I seek out the sound of silence and the surroundings of the sublime so freely on offer in nature.

However, whilst I released myself from corporate captivity along with striving for more materialistic stuff, many moons ago, I do regularly fall in to the trap of not carving out sufficient space to be.

I try.

I take frequent trips to the coast because I feel like I can simply be and allow my soul to breathe there. In fact, as I discovered courtesy of the blue lagoon a few weeks back, being by any kind of water slows me down to a delicious and welcome standstill that allows me to process all that is within rather than mindlessly filling myself with more and more.

In fact I read an article last week that my neighbour posted for me. It was titled ‘Vitamin Sea’. In it a Dr Sarah Brewer says, “Coastal zones, in particular, benefit wellbeing. An ocean view, for example, evokes emotions including longing and awe. Other blue zones such as lakes and rivers have a beneficial impact on stress, blood pressure and lifting mood…”.

It’s official!

What I have discovered through my regular jaunts to the sea is actually backed up scientifically. Although I can’t help but think this stuff is just good old fashioned common sense really. I’m sure I can recall reading a similar article on what is now called forest bathing which to you and I means walking in naturally tree clad green zones!

Of course we didn’t have to be told these things years ago as folk naturally spent more time outside and less time inside in front of the modern day time and health thiefs: TV, boxsets, gaming and the internet.

Anyway, as I pondered all these things I noticed that I was allowing the TV to command way too much of my evening space. I was left with a sense of every piece of space being filled by something. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was left desperately searching for more space.

And so, over the bank holiday, I made a decision to reduce my time in front of the TV, I said no to a few things, I parked a few things I wanted to do but that could wait, I stripped my commitments right back and I gave myself the gift of time and space to simply be. No rushing, no striving, no excess doing, no filling myself up with anything else, just an abundance of space to be.

The result was on a parallel with holding your breath under water for a long time and then arising to take a huge gulp of breath. Utterly life giving!! And unexpectedly Pringle-esque. The more I tasted that space to breath, the more I wanted!! I just couldn’t get enough of it. And so, I’ve had regular and extended periods of simply being throughout this week.

It has allowed me to catch up with myself again. Instead of filling my mind and heart with more TV, internet, reading or doing, I have consciously chosen to be still and allow myself to process what was backed up inside me rather than hurling more in.

Novel but necessary.

It’s a bit like our physical bodies. We can’t just throw in more and more food. We have to stop eating to allow our bodies to digest and process what is already there, to relinquish what is not needed and make space for the process to continue. In fact, the latest diet favourites include fasting plans that give your body a total break from digesting food, to effectively allow the system to re-boot.

Having created more space generally, I also found the energy to create more physical space by tackling all those stress inducing areas of my home that are too full. From the wardrobe to kitchen cupboards to the shoe rack and my dvd’s. I got in to brutal mode and removed a whole heap of stuff, resulting in much rubbish as well as a few sacks for the charity shop.

It felt good and I felt lighter.

But as satisfying as creating more space in the house was, it was the extra mental and emotional space that felt truly liberating. As this last week, I have effectively made the space to allow my mind, heart and soul to re-boot.

And it feels good!

Flourishing

Last weekend I gave a talk about flourishing.

I think this is an important subject because I happen to believe that my Jesus did not endure what He did on that cross for you or I to limp along in life settling for mere survival. And I say this as someone who did just that for the first thirty years of my life. But I’ve since discovered that life does not have to be with that way. Sure, the crap parcels don’t stop coming but it is possible to continue to grow, heal, learn, laugh, cry, dance, rest and ultimately to stay ALIVE whilst living!

Whilst it has undoubtedly taken much blood, sweat, tears, help and support to move from where I was to where I am, I now know that such a transition is entirely possible. Hence I want to share this with others as I believe that moving from survival in to flourishing is on offer to all willing to make the investment.

I’ve been reflecting further upon this theme this week especially as various clients have ended their counselling process and discussed how they plan to continue implementing their learning.

The key thing that has clearly emerged is the importance of intentionally investing time and space in looking after ourselves. As it is all parts that make us whole, this means we need to actively apply appropriate care to our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual parts of ourselves. This is a non negotiable if we want to remain as healthy as possible, let alone to flourish.

And it is not just time to notice any part of us that may be struggling in some way and therefore in need of extra attention, but also the time to proactively and consistently engage in nourishing activities as well as times of stillness, to maintain good health.

How easy it is especially with the invisible parts of ourselves to overlook this need to plan for, invest in and apply such thought and action to our health.

We live in a world where we are constantly bombarded with excessive amounts of information, much of which demands a response. Perhaps this is why we often overlook our mental and emotional health until the physical body steps in by manifesting the internal needs via physical symptoms which we cannot ignore.

And those of us of a more introvert persuasion tend to need more times of stillness and silence than our more extrovert peers. I am no exception. One of my biggest challenges is to find sufficient times of stillness to regain energy, vision, inspiration, clarity and direction for all the many, many things that I love to do.

Yet I know that if I want to continue to flourish, I must regularly check in with myself, be willing to stand back and survey the big picture, reassess and implement changes where necessary then trial, review, refine and repeat.

Without a commitment to do this, I fail to notice when I have come off track or worse still if I have become stuck going around in a circle. What I fail to notice, I fail to address.

This reminds me of many years ago during a family outing where my dad, brother and I ventured off along the river. When we discovered a goat along the way, we thought it would be great to stroke it! It didn’t agree! It promptly lowered its horns and ran at us! We ran the other way but ended up running around in circles with the goat in hot pursuit, looking like something out of an old Benny Hill sketch! Until finally and exhaustedly, I realised that the goat was on a rope and we could just step outside of the circle!

All too often, people come to see me because they haven’t yet realised they can step out of their own circles!

By failing to spend time reviewing where we are or where we are going, we can become stuck on repeat, even when it leaves us desperately miserable. We may then even fall in to the trap of indulging in destructive behaviours in an attempt to dull the pain. Here begins a deeper cycle of prolonging the very actions that are causing the pain by deadening the self to endure it.

This is NOT flourishing.

Planning in time to check in with ourselves can save us much time and trouble in the long run.

Just as looking after or running a house or garden or business or car, takes time, energy and money, so too does running a human.

An investment of time on the self is probably one of the most fruitful things we can do. At least if we want to keep living, growing and flourishing. And even more so if we want to be part of supporting others to flourish too.

And that’s what I tell folk when they remark upon how often I go away!