March 2021 – The middle …

Abuse destroys, God restores

This week I watched the first part of Football’s Darkest Secret.

Here, numerous, courageous individuals share the level of destruction wrought in their lives by the atrocity that is childhood sexual abuse.

Unfortunately, I am all too aware of the prevalence of this from both my personal and professional experience. Yet, listening to this most innocence shattering, soul killing of experiences never fails to move me afresh. How can it not? Such an act permeates every aspect of life of the individual subjected to it. It effectively steals the potential joy for life and continues to steal despite good experiences. It is the tragedy that keeps on taking until we turn around to face it. Even then, the process of healing can be long and hard.

What struck me from this program was the way that it is not only the paedophile that commits this crime but the entire community around them who consciously or unconsciously collude if only by refusing to see or stop it. It could be the turning of a blind eye by those in positions of power, the playing down or trivialising, writing off as imaginary, a refusal to believe it or the denial that it is of consequence.

There is a great quote that says something like,

‘All it takes for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing’.

It would seem that the paedophile is such a powerful if despicable breed that they appear to silence or pull the wool over the eyes of entire family systems and organisations.

They leave a wake of destruction in their path and are often not called to account, at least in this life, for the lives they destroy.

We have seen this with Jimmy Saville, within the world of football, within several parts of the Church and basically any other organisation or family where paedophiles have infiltrated their way in to prey on young and vulnerable children.

It takes a whole community to allow this despicable abuse to happen and continue.

And it can destroy lives.

Not only those who experience it, but those who genuinely care for them.

I know personally that it leaves a legacy so wordlessly painful that being unconscious is at times the only form of relief. For me and for many, many others this is achieved through drink and drug abuse.

How grateful I am that before completely destroying myself with drink and drugs, I came to meet the God who is able and willing to restore the soul of all impacted, including me.

Some may wonder how it is possible to believe in a good God who allows children to endure such terrifying horrors.

I know I did.

During the hardest parts of my own healing process, I often raged at God as to how He could claim to love me yet have allowed the things that happened in my childhood. I raged, I shouted, I cried, I turned the air purple with my fury and I kept asking, ‘Why God?’.

But every time I poured out the rage, fury and pain of my heart, He met me with an overwhelming sense of His love. This was a love that had no words, no answers, no explanations and no justifications. But it was so powerful and so pure that I broke under the tangible weight of it and cried out my pain on numerous occasions.

We do not heal whilst denying our experience or any of the feelings about it.

The process of healing can be long, painful, lonely and ongoing.

I am not sure where I would be if I had not encountered en route the love of this God or His silent assurance that whilst some refused to acknowledge my experience, instead casting me out for speaking of it, my God SAW EVERYTHING. The wool has not been pulled over His eyes by anyone. He saw, He knew and I felt His pain at what I had experienced. It was His love that began to heal my deepest wounds and thus to restore my heart, soul and appetite for life.

And so I know personally what it was for me to live with the hell of abuse. I equally know the hell of the pain of walking the path of healing. But I also know the freedom and joy of coming out the other side. Not that everything is now wonderful and perfect in my life for no such life exists. But I do know the all encompassing love of a God who enables, empowers and equips me to overcome every ounce of pain, every obstacle, every trial and challenge and to still find life, growth, healing and joy despite periods of deep sadness.

It is a love that saves, restores and releases me to see, know and experience the good despite the presence of evil.

I’m not sure that I would still be here without it.

Whilst over a decade of therapy has been crucial in my own healing, it was God alone who could be with me 24/7, who assured me that He see’s and He knows and His love enables me to face life with a courage and confidence I never knew existed before.

He is indeed a God of restoration.

The love, healing, peace, comfort, courage, strength and joy that he offers is SUPERNATURAL thus making it a powerful antidote to the entirely unnatural and evil act of sexual abuse.

Abuse needs to be surrounded by silence, shame and secrecy in order to keep stealing from the quality of life and the peace of mind of anyone involved. This spell is broken when it is bought out in to the open and spoken about. This is the first step towards healing. Whilst there is further pain involved in the healing process, this is far better than the pain of not healing.

Abuse is never ok and is never the fault of the child or adult subjected to it.

It needs to be out in the open, spoken about and worked with sensitively in order to break the collusive, silencing community’s that allow it to happen.

I suspect that recent revelations around Jimmy Saville and the Football Industry are only the tip of the iceberg.

My hope and my prayer is that anyone impacted by abuse will find supportive, understanding people with whom they can begin to come out of the silencing, destructive prison of being alone with such trauma.

God gave us all the free will to do good, evil or anything in between.

Unfortunately, some do commit the evil of abuse.

Whilst this destroys, God is willing and eager to restore.

None of us can go back and erase the experience of abuse but every one of us is called in to relationship with the one who restores our hearts, souls, our capacity to trust and to give and receive love, as well as our desire for life itself.

Such a love enables us to bear the pain and to continue embracing the fullness of life, in spite of it.

The smile

What an uplifting, heart-warming transaction the smile is when shared freely and fully between two or more humans!

A powerful and totally free gift that we can each give away to whomever we choose whenever we choose.

I once read a quote that said something like a smile is the same in all languages.

How very true.

I remember learning an important lesson about the smile many, many moons ago when I was travelling off the beaten track in China.

As the locals were simply not used to seeing such a spectacle as a group of noisy, white people, they would stand and stare whenever our paths crossed. I interpreted the look on their faces as being quite ferocious. I feared that the locals were not friendly.

As time went on, I decided to engage in a little experiment.

The next time we came face to face with the locals, I tried a different approach. I smiled! And get this … they smiled back! Their faces were instantly transformed by the wearing of the most stunning of smiles! As I suspect was mine!

I concluded from this that we can approach the world and all in it, with suspicion, fearing for the worst, or we can be open and willing to smile at those we encounter along the way.

Now, of course there is a time to be open and trusting and a time to be cautious and discerning. Something I got totally wrong the other week after allowing a salesman in to my home.

Perhaps, recognising when to be open and when to be cautious is one of the many ongoing challenges of being a human.

Anyway, it took me a long time to realise that it wasn’t only in China, that the offering of a smile to another usually results in the receiving of a smile in return!

Just to clarify, I am not talking about going around the place grinning from ear to ear like some kind of lunatic, but just smiling sincerely when you spontaneously make eye contact with another human.

After all, we are all flawed humans doing the best we can, with what we have in the times we find ourselves in. Life can be hard and is often unfair but this is no reason to give up on all that is good, including the ability to smile at our fellow human.

This whole business of the smile fascinates me.

I recall being on a train to New York also many years ago and having a conversation with a family member. They were talking about how we may respond when someone smiles at us. Are we suspicious, do we look away or do we engage by reciprocating this most wonderful of wordless human interactions?

As I contemplated this, I wondered whether I was someone who waits for the other to start the process out of fear of being ignored, rejected or misjudged, or whether I was someone who could risk those things and smile first, regardless. I decided I wanted to experiment with being the latter sort!

Back when I was an adolescent, I recall people often stopping me to comment upon my smile and sometimes to remark that I looked like I was up to something or sharing a private joke with myself!

Sometimes I was, one or both! I’ve been blessed with the ability to laugh at and with myself which I consider to be quite the gift given that I am the only person with me 24/7, unless you count God who has the most incredible sense of humour I have ever encountered! (Who knew back before I noticed the presence of God in life, that He has such comedic qualities?!)

Perhaps as Christians if we were less guilty of boring, superior or religious attitudes, or sometimes all three and instead shared more of God’s life enhancing traits, such as humour and the sharing of smiles, He may seem a more appealing prospect!

Anyway, another smile related incident in my more distant past was when I found myself stood over a table in Church surveying a collection of photo’s of beautiful African children in need of a sponsor. I remember wondering how I was supposed to choose. But then I noticed one little boy who looked very serious. There was not even the merest hint of a smile to be seen. I wondered why not and decided there and then that he was the one I would sponsor. A few years later, I received a photo of him wearing … get this … a smile!! And I can report that they are infectious! His smile made me smile!

But, as we all know, maybe now more than ever, life is not all smiles and fairy dust.

I can recall many times especially during my twenties prior to starting my own healing process that I was often in such a dark and desperate place that I was physically unable to produce a smile. During these times I simply could not manufacture something outwardly that I was unable to experience inwardly.

In those times, the smile of a stranger could break my sense of separation or aloneness in an unexpectedly powerful way, if only for a moment.

A smile is such a simple thing, yet such a gift to give or receive.

I was reminded of this yesterday when I enjoyed the luxury of free time. I chose to get out on my bike to cycle through the beauty of the local villages. I felt happy and free, enjoying the sensation of the wind on my face as I cycled along. I didn’t enjoy the sensation of the rain quite so much a little later! But, as I cycled, I passed numerous walkers and cyclists with whom I exchanged smiles, real smiles, not the sort that don’t reach the eyes. By the time I got home, despite being rather wet, all that giving and receiving of smiles had lifted my soul immensely!

As I reflected upon why I was noticing this so much more than usual, I came to the simple realisation that after a year of smile concealing mask wearing, those I passed who were walking or cycling were like me, without masks. This meant that we were free to see and to share our smiles in a way that the mask has deprived us of.

Whilst it may feel harder to find reasons to smile in times such as these, it remains an incredibly powerful currency to exchange where possible.

Roll on the return to mask free, smile sharing freedom.

Dirty rotten scoundrels AKA fraudsters and conmen

Last weekend I had a horrible, stressful, sleep stealing experience.

Before that during my few work free days, I actually stopped to enjoy the fruits of my labours of hours of painting and decorating over the last two months. I love and am pleased with the results of my efforts, apart from a revolting pink wall which will have to be repainted.

But anyway, I am immensely grateful for this home as well as the chance that last week gave to happily while away hours sat in my conservatory staring out at the great blue (and at times grey) yonder whilst the birds very generously provided an accompaniment of their finest, vocal repertoire.

It took the whole of Monday just to adjust down to first gear.

By Tuesday I was ready to return to the beloved fields by my previous property, where I ambled freely for hours.

In the absence of time by the sea, the vastness of the green, open spaces proved an excellent substitute.

By Wednesday, I was ready and eager to run by the river, lakes and fields. I was gifted by the great expanse of green fields stretching out in every direction, draped in an atmospheric mist. It was stunning and I wished I had my camera.

I quit my usual weekly commitments such as on line pilates to enjoy a total break from routine.

It was bliss.

During this time, I had a knock on the door from a firm who had been working a few doors down. I know, I know, door to door salesmen!

Did I want a no obligation free quote for any work, they asked.

In my relaxed holiday mode, I replied in the affirmative. It had been niggling away at me since buying this property that I needed to get some work done. I was apprehensive about the cost but thought the opportunity had come to me to get my research started with a quote. Not wishing to do so during my holiday I booked it in for after my return to work.

On the Saturday the sales agent called, I had been immersed in the last of my painting right up to the moment he arrived. I was in no way prepared for what was about to happen.

Said sales person came in to my home to go through the company information. As he was extremely cold from doing his previous appointment outside (something I should have done), I immediately switched the heating on high and provided hot coffee.

Twenty five minutes and a fair bit of waffle later and I began to feel a little irked that I was no closer to getting my quote and my precious Saturday afternoon was disappearing fast.

But, as a female, of English culture and a Christian, I am of course as primed as the next person that one must be polite, courteous and hospitable to the person in your home, right? Even if one wants to say, ‘let’s cut to the chase here because I want to get on with my day’, one doesn’t. Or at least this one didn’t, to my detriment.

Somewhere within the two and half hours that this person was in my home, their sales technique was so powerful that I actually lost my capacity to think straight or to hold on to the fact that I had booked for a quote alone as a start point for my research for this work.

How wonderful hindsight would be if only it arrived a little earlier.

In the moment, having been reeled in and pressured, I succumbed to fear tactics that the cost of work would increase by £2K if I didn’t sign immediately. I signed. No explanation of the cooling off, no honest, transparent discussion around terms, just a sign here, here and here.

Of course I now see clear as day that any firm that hike their prices by £2K because you want time to think is not a firm to do business with.

But as I say, I got reeled in.

This seeming spell that had been cast upon me was broken the instant the sales man was out of my house.

I felt sick.

I knew that I had been well and truly duped.

Research via Checkertrade confirmed my worst fears.

A second quote by a reputable company, conducted in 10 minutes outside my property, quoted me £5K under the previous firms’ first offer. They also shared that they had heard from many others of similar experiences of the sales tactics of this firm.

So much for the generous part of me that wished to think I had encountered one bad apple in an otherwise decent company.

After speaking and praying with close friends, I emailed this company that night to cancel. I would have left a message on their cancellation line only there was no facility to do so.

In fairness, the person I spoke with Monday morning offered a full refund no questions asked. Perhaps this was a common occurrence for them. Or they realised it would become a case for Trading Standards and the Ombudsman if not. I don’t know.

The director then emailed requesting me to email my bank details for the refund.

I had two conversations with that director that day. He duly returned my money but asked nothing of my experience, my concern, my complaint, my subsequent impression of his company or what he intended to do to address such unscrupulous sales tactics. My sense was that I would be wasting my breath, to volunteer it.

After receiving my money back, I emailed my thanks along with my concerns re the above. By 11am the following morning, with no response, I wrote a Google review to warn others.

Suddenly I had three missed calls from said director whose follow up email revealed that he now he wanted very much to discuss the matter.

After replying with the facts of the situation and offering to speak when I had finished work, he no longer wanted to speak.

The negation and dismissal of my experience merely served to confirm this as a firm without integrity who operate in unscrupulous ways from the top, down.

What a horrible taste this left in the mouth.

I was stunned and disturbed that I had been so royally conned by someone willing to rob me of an overpayment of £5K and all done whilst in the sanctuary of my own home. It would seem that my hospitality and possibly female gender (I was asked if I was single in the phone call to confirm the appointment – are men asked this?), were taken as fair game for extreme exploitation.

I can only assume those same English, female and Christian values are the very ones that allow such a firm to continue to conduct itself in such a manner. Most people, male or female, are too English to complain to the firm in question, preferring instead to tell others about their experience hence the reputation this firm has behind the scenes.

By directly raising this with said firm, they had, but failed to take, an opportunity to resolve the situation with sincerity.

What did make me chuckle was that whilst there were only 1 possibly 2 Google reviews for this firm in the previous year, before mine, suddenly 3 glowing reviews appeared. One of which from someone with a profile picture of Pinocchio as if this is an image associated with honesty!

Anyway, the more people I talk to about this, the more I discover that we have all have a story of being conned at some point.

How very sad that such people are out there operating in all kinds of ways.

There is currently a scam via text claiming to be the HMRC requesting your personal details or threatening police action!

Fraudsters and conmen (and women) are all around and not just out there but also finding a way to get in here, being in the home. They may appear via phone, text, email or a knock at the door but they are particularly rampant at the moment.

Whilst it would be sad to look upon all with suspicion, when there are still so many honest, decent people who act with integrity, we must all, keep our wits about us when it comes to anything financial.

What a sad state of affairs.

Such behaviours do evoke both my pity and my prayers for those experiences that reduce people to conducting themselves in such a manner.

At times, I feel utterly resentful that those who hurt me the most end up getting so many of my prayers! I can only hope this works both ways in incidents where I hurt others!

For now, I will have to practice leaving this in the hands of the Almighty, whilst seeking His help to stop picking at it like a scab over a wound!