Indulgence or Preservation … ?

Two weeks after my birthday/holiday fortnight of fun and freedom and I’m back in to the swing of work.

I love it.

And I consider it a privilege to do it.

What I am immediately struck by since my return, is the theme of selfishness.

But what do any of us actually mean by the term ‘selfish’?

For it appears that we live in a culture that can be prone to judging those who practice any form of self-care, as being selfish.

What nonsense.

There appears to be a lot of culturally embedded, often unconscious, definitely unhelpful, life limiting ideas, that encourage us to totally overlook ourselves in favour of caring for others.

As if this is a higher path as opposed to a martyrdom who’s only achievement is to risk the health of the one practising it. For which no one benefits in the long term.

Unfortunately, a misunderstanding of scripture can further exacerbate the problem by reinforcing these ideas. For example, the scripture, ‘Love your neighbour, as yourself,’ is usually referred to with a complete omission of any acknowledgement much less understanding or application of the ‘love yourself’ part. Although the love yourself part is there in black and white equally as clear as the love your neighbour part, it is often treated as if this is not so.

This is a collective, corporate and cultural blind spot.

One that is in dire need of bringing in to focus to re-examine.

An emphasis on putting others first can obscure the need to include appropriate care for the self. It can also subtly infer that to care for the self is to be selfish or in conflict with God’s word. This despite this being an obvious example of cultural influence obstructing the view of what the scripture actually says.

The reality is that despite culture’s propensity for enforcing what are often life destroying notions, in this case of failing to appreciate the legitimacy of self-care, this subject is not just a nice idea but an absolute necessity for self-preservation. At least if wishing to sustain any capacity to care for others for any length of time.

Like many things in life this is a classic example of not being a case or either/or, but rather of both/and. As in, it is not appropriate to practise caring only for others any more than it is to appropriate to practise caring only for the self. We need to care for self and others. But, in order to continue caring for each other, we must first ensure that we are continuing to care for ourselves. Not just to be in a fit state to continue caring, but that the act of caring may continue to be an enjoyable one (in the main!).

The consequence of failing to practice appropriate on going self care is that we unwittingly create the perfect breeding grounds for stifled resentment, frustration, disappointment and anger. Inevitably at some point, these stifled, denied emotions and needs will get acted out in some way that causes more harm than acknowledging and acting upon them in the first instance.

Better to conduct an honest examination of the self before this point.

The facts are that we have all have needs. We all have thoughts and feelings. Some wanted, others not. And we all have a responsibility to ourselves and to others, to examine and respond to these appropriately. This is what self care is.

Failing to do this simply signs a warrant for bigger issues.

Something that we do of course all fall in to the trap of doing at times.

The bottom line is that caring for ourselves is no more an act of self indulgence than caring for others in an act of other indulgence. Which is not to say that there are not times where it is good and proper to indulge the self and or the other. But this is as an aspect of self care, not selfishness.

Overall, far from being selfish, caring for the self is an act of self-preservation. For when we do not take seriously or respond appropriately to our own needs for care, we limit our longevity or ability to care for others.

It is not selfish to take care of one self.

It is utter foolishness to fail to take care of the self.

The question is, what does self-care look like for each of us?

A question for which there is no one size fits all kind of an answer.

But a question that it would be a worthy investment of time and thought, to consider and implement.

And when others have something to say about the ‘selfishness’ of your commitment to practising self-care, just remember that what other people think is for them, and not you, to deal with. More often than not, those who criticise others for practising self-care are often struggling to practice sufficient self care themselves.

Trust yourself.

Make time for yourself.

Listen to your own needs.

Respond with compassion.

In short, treat yourself, as you would treat others.

Or maybe, love yourself, as your neighbour.

These are lessons that I have learned through hard experience. Lessons that I continue to learn and continue trying to apply. Without always succeeding!

Sometimes, some folk comment about the number of breaks I take. ‘you going away again are you Jo?’. ‘Yes, I am’, I reply! For it is I and I alone who understands the impact of my work and I and I alone who is responsible for applying sufficient enough self-care to ensure that I can continue not only to do what I do but to do it whole heartedly. Whether others understand or not. And so it is a responsibility that I take very seriously and I encourage others to do the same!

For the degree to which I practice self-care shapes and influences the degree and the quality of that which I can offer to others.

Self-care is ultimately about preservation, not indulgence. Although indulgence most certainly has a part to play!

What do you need to preserve yourself and thus your ability to care for self and others?