Month: April 2019

A glimpse of summer

What a treat this recent weather has been.

On the first day of my week off, I walked up to a local garden centre to meet a friend for what turned out to be THE most delicious green soup. Like ultra tasty. It was also accompanied by equally nourishing conversation, all enjoyed under God’s great sky.

After the refuel, we took a casual meander through the local woods where we ended up overlooking the blue lagoon.  The stunning blue backdrop of sky combined with the sun shimmering off the water was the only incentive needed to scramble down from where we were to where the water was.

As we drew closer, the wind dropped, the sun beamed and the invitation to enter the water was simply too appealing to decline.

Whilst I whipped off my boots and socks and paddled around in the cooling waters, my friend whipped off everything and I do mean EVERYthing and proceeded to go for the whole body immersion approach.  Yowsers!

‘Is it as cold as it looks?’, I enquired.

‘Yes, even more so’. He replied complete with a very manly roar and a proclamation that, ‘it’s good to be alive!’.

Agreed! 

Indeed it is. 

Especially on days like those spent amongst the majesty of God’s great playground.

In fact, as we lay on the shore surveying the scene of shimmering stars bouncing off the water, there was a distinctly summer holiday-esque feel to the moment.

Free from schedules, responsibility or time checks, how wonderful it was to simply stop, look, listen and savour it all.

Fan-blooming-tastik!

Following another day of freedom to roam the countryside at leisure, I spent the next day in London where we celebrated a friends’ 60th with a trip to the Freud museum followed by a delectable lunch. Yum.

After one more day of wild field roaming, it was time for my trip to the Isle of Wight with a friend.

What a truly stunning place.

A lazy if uncharacteristically hot first afternoon was spent at a Donkey Sanctuary.  Noisy buggers when they get going.

I was delighted to discover a gift shop and tearoom on site; two of my favourite places. Here I indulged in a super tasty cream tea.

After checking in to our accommodation we headed straight to the beach where the scenes we entered were fresh off a postcard.

An early start on Saturday morning enabled me to take a horse riding lesson on the beach under the glow of the morning sunshine. Just fabulous.

I opted for a leisurely meander back to base along the coast where I stumbled upon a quaint cafe and gift shop overlooking the harbour. I whiled away some time sipping my tea and savouring the view.

One of the things I love most about the water is the way it gets me to simply be still, to immerse myself in the sight of the sun upon the water. It never loses its appeal.

The next day saw us off to the National Trust site of the Needles where we took a chair lift to the beach and a boat ride to photograph the Needles. Although the rock after which they were named has long since been destroyed by a storm. So they don’t look anything like needles.

Back on the beach I tentatively stumbled across the stony beach to paddle in the sea which obviously saw me coming and produced an enormous wave which soaked my dress!! Fortunately, the whole ‘hottest Easter in 70 years’ thing meant it was quick to dry.

It was a wonderful weekend made even more so by the fact that it was Easter. Beyond the eggs and holidays, it is a time of such hope and renewal that in spite of all the trials and tragedies of life, we can still experience the fullness and richness of all life has to offer.  How grateful I am that Jesus endured what He did that we don’t have to settle for some half hearted life but can instead embrace and enjoy it all.

The gift of appreciation is totally priceless.

Monday saw us encounter a Roman villa, a small art exhibition, more tearooms, more food, more gift shops, a waterfall and a straight forward journey home.

How wonderful to make time to play, rest and explore.

The Seaside Soul Massage

As I had almost two clear, work free days this week, I decided to take another trip to the coast.

Leaving straight from work on Monday evening, I arrived at my B & B in time for a cup of tea on the balcony. Here I savoured the feel of the cool evening air on my skin and the sound of the waves in the distance.

My soul began to breathe easy again.

Tuesday dawned cloudy and rough looking. Perfect full cooked breakfast weather. Such an utter indulgence to have your breakfast served to you. Lush-tastik.

Following a post breakfast period of horizontality I coaxed myself out in to the day. After a leisurely walk along the coast, I took up residence in a sea facing pub to savour a hot pot of tea whilst devouring the newspaper. The arrival of the lunch time crowd signalled time for my departure.

The wind was pretty biting so when I discovered a sheltered area from which to enjoy the warmth of the sun, the sound of the sea and the feel of the sand, I engaged in one of my favourite pastimes; watching the clouds do their thing.

Unfortunately the pot of tea I’d just had dictated that I moved on before I wanted to. But a short distance on I was delighted to discover a lifeless looking sea front cafe was actually open. And there was no one in it other than the owner. Perfect! More tea was consumed along with the luxury of unhurried reading.

As I was now nearing 4pm my stomach was making demands for more fuel.

A short walk in to town allowed me to source some fresh cod and chips which I devoured in a beautiful flower filled park. The wind was rather reducing my pleasure of feasting though.

So, when I caught myself buying a bag of 3 hot donuts I decided to return to the shelter of my balcony back at the accommodation. From here I savoured the donuts (yes all three) washed down with yes, more tea.  Dee-licious.

I decided to take full advantage of the increase in daylight by taking another walk the other way up the coast. I was met with the most stunning of seaside sights. God never fails to leave me in awe of the beauty and wonder of His creation.

After this I returned to my balcony to sit and absorb the last of the evening sunshine.  Glorious.

When Wednesday morning’s alarm sounded what is becoming an increasingly irritating noise, I resisted the temptation to roll over for an extra hours slumber. Instead I dragged myself out for a pre-breakfast run. The training for the half marathon isn’t going to happen whilst I sit around inhaling chips and donuts.

My reward was the delight of discovering it was a beautiful, blue skied, sunshine shimmering off the sea kind of a morning. What a stunningly fantabulous scene to be met with.

Back at my B & B I had time for another breakfast and a spot of writing on the balcony before checking out.

As the sun was twinkling enticingly over everything I took another very windy walk along the coast.

After which I was relieved to stumble upon another seafront cafe where I could enjoy some respite from the wind and sip a warming mug of tea.

And then it really was time to return to the car for my homeward journey.

How I love time out to nourish my soul.

And I don’t have to wait long for a proper stretch of time off.

The Grief Bomb

No sooner had I written my blog about Mother’s Day when an internal grief bomb exploded. Not exactly surprising.

Initially it appeared in sparks of severe irritation at every little thing that I was doing. Whilst I did stop to ask myself why I was so angry, I moved away from the question before finding any answer.

Instead, I threw myself into preparing for a weekend away where I was attending a training event on loss!

I felt smug and sensible when I got in to bed at 9.30pm in preparation for my 6.30am departure. Whilst I was probably asleep by 10.30pm, I awoke at 4.30am and remained awake. A fact that I felt decidedly unsmug about.

However, after a straight forward journey, I had time for a Costa coffee and a read of the newspaper before my course. What a treat.

The course venue was situated by a beautiful harbour where the blue skied sunshine made me temporarily wish I wasn’t committed to a day inside.

Anyway, the course was fascinating.

Whilst death and loss aren’t the most light hearted of subjects, I am a firm believer that the more we are able to engage with the reality of death, loss and endings, the more we are able to engage with the reality of living, love and new beginnings! And when my time for death comes, I certainly want to know that I have given and received as much of life’s opportunities as possible!

As I listened to some of the speakers talk about how we humans can process and work with our grief, I was reminded of my granddad. Having recently signed up to run a half marathon to raise funds for the hospice my spiritual mother benefitted from, I realised that my own granddad had also been in this hospice. On his last day, he waited until his family were gathered around him before he gave himself to death. In that respect it was a good death; he chose his moment, surrounded by those who loved him.

But in remembering this, I realised that although this happened over twenty years ago, I have not grieved properly. It was as if I had totally blocked his death and his life, despite him being such a significant and beloved part of my childhood.

As I attempted to hold my sadness down to focus on the course, I became more and more exhausted and irritable. It really is so exhausting suppressing emotion yet equally exhausting to engage with them!

By the time I left for my overnight seaside accommodation my eyes were stinging with fatigue. Although I managed a pot of tea and a slice of carrot cake on the pier, I had to go to bed and surrender to sleep straight after.

Whilst Sunday dawned with a bright blue sky and beautiful sunshine, my own temperament was quite different!

I loved sitting in the sea facing cafes enjoying my breakfast and newspapers but I could not stand the increasing presence of other people! I was holding in too much pain which was threatening to slip out in the form of general horribleness!

Fortunately for everyone in the vicinity, I managed to find a quiet place sheltered from the wind but in the sun, from which to devour my newspapers, coffee and sea view. Heavenly.

But of course, underneath my irritable horribleness was the raw pain of ungrieved, grief. And it was only once I arrived back home that I could allow this grief to pour forth once more. After which I felt decidedly lighter and less prone to snarling or spitting.

I remembered that I needed to be kind to myself (and others!) when the grief comes and so I took some time out of my day on Monday to simply be still in the sunshine of my garden.

I also let my key people know that I was in a painful space.

And by Tuesday, I felt more like a human being and less like a wounded animal and I could therefore resume my full responsibilities again.

The grief does of course continue.

But so does life.

All I get to choose is whether I will be kind to myself when I am hurting. My attempts to do so included a trip to a local garden centre where I enjoyed the feel of the sun on my skin, the sound of birdsong and the sight of the flowers. I was even joined by this cute little fella!

As I reflected on the ever changing weather this week; glorious warm sunshine on Monday and cold rain on Tuesday, I realised that this was in direct contrast to my ever changing emotions of misery on Monday followed by a renewed calm on Tuesday.

Like the weather, my emotions come and my emotions go and the more I accept the inevitability of this and ease up on myself accordingly, the more quickly they pass and the better it is for everyone involved!

As if to seal my experience, I saw a rainbow outside my house on Tuesday evening, reminding me that whilst the weather constantly changes as do my emotions, God remains my one true constant throughout both internal and external changes.

How very reassuring.