Fear driven folly

Like most humans, I am prone to making poor decisions when I’m full to the brim of fear.  Not only does fear cloud my judgement but it causes me to ignore my instincts, intuition, the Holy Spirit or whatever you prefer to call it.  And that, in my experience is never a good thing.

Generally but not exclusively speaking, when I am predominantly full of faith with the odd bit of fear here and there, I trust myself.  I don’t try to rationalise away the thoughts that I’d rather not be having or coerce myself via certain perspectives in to taking a step I know to be wrong.  When I trust myself, I generally but not exclusively make decisions that I am happy with. 

However, when I am panicked, worried or fearful I become vulnerable to slipping in to unhelpful amnesia filled episodes.  Despite knowing that my instincts are pretty scarily accurate, I silence them because I am afraid to follow them.

Gosh it’s complicated being a human!

Anyway, I recently made a decision that I knew to be wrong for me and have consequently paid the price for it.

Had I taken the time to catch my breath, not panic and think about the situation to begin with, I could have spared myself a whole heap of stress.

Ho hum.

I live and learn.

How easy it is when under stress to develop amnesia as to what has been helpful or unhelpful in dealing with situations historically.

And then of course there is Christian amnesia – suddenly forgetting that the God who has always been there previously, will continue to be if only we will acknowledge, seek and listen to Him.

In moments of great or prolonged stress, I find myself snatching the controls back from God without necessarily being conscious that I am doing so.  I stop trusting and fall back to my default position of self sufficiency.  Despite knowing that this doesn’t usually take me any place I want to be!

Stress is unpleasant for us all of course but personally I know I need to hold on to the knowledge that stress can make me vulnerable to not trusting myself or my God.

During the trials earlier this year, I had a moment where I heard my spiritual mum’s voice urging me to ‘not panic’.  She’s been gone a few years now and I still miss her beautiful, smiling face, but I was reminded of how she used to urge me when stressed to just pause, reflect, seek God and take time to discern the way forward.  In other words, not to knee jerk my way in to making poor decisions driven largely by panic, fear and anxiety about what will happen if I don’t.

It’s not easy being a human, but especially not when experiencing fear, doubt, worry or hurt.

And yet, with the help of friends, it is possible to walk a different path.  The path precipitated by the pause so necessary to making non rushed, non fear driven decisions.

Whilst my own recent poor decision making led to avoidable stress of my own creation, I was immensely grateful to the God I totally don’t deserve, for stepping in to give me the courage and trust necessary to correct my error.

Whatever season I am in, whether mainly full of faith or fear, God is just always there, unwavering in his love and support of me.  What a great fear reliever.  At least when I remember this!