Month: December 2021

Kissing or Kicking 2021 Goodbye?

This is the phrase that came in to my head as I lumbered through the village on my post Christmas holiday run.

It’s taken me all week to get my backside off the sofa and out for this run so I’m feeling a little smug right now. 

In fact, I’m feeling a lot smug especially compared to when I got on the scales this morning to check what kind of additional Christmas weight I would be lugging around on the run!  If only losing the leftover reality of all the excess indulgence was as much fun as acquiring it!

But hey, that’s the price I’m willing to pay for having time out to lounge around on the sofa, declining most forms of activity unless they involve further consumption of highly rich foods.

Anyway, as 2022 looms ever closer, I can’t help but reflect on the year we’re about to see off.  It’s been quite peculiar really.  Actually it hasn’t been that dissimilar to this Christmas holiday.  It started off with great excitement, enthusiasm and joyous activity only to be quickly followed by a sadness that made me glad to do a profession that requires me to always have an ample supply of nose and eye wipers.

The sadness of that which has been lost tends to resurface amidst the heightened emotion of the season.

And then, the other day I succumbed to watching a cheesier than cheesy film which nonetheless had me grabbing for those tissues yet again.

It’s the ending thing; the end of a year, the end of what didn’t work out this year, what hasn’t worked out before and just endings in general.

I’ve been fortunate that I have not lost anyone I have loved this year although I know many who have, all of whom my heart goes out to.

But as I reflect now upon my own difficult feelings evoked about endings, including the ending of this year, I can’t help but see that 2022 offers the chance to begin again.  To put aside what didn’t go well this past year and recommit to trying again in this New Year.

In support of this, I’ve found myself reflecting on the things that aid me in staying open, engaged and inspired to never give up on those dreams that remain etched deep on my heart.

In recent years I have found myself following a pattern where I start a new year eager and motivated to see through a new creative project only to find it cast aside a few short months later under the weight of life continuing to throw up new challenges.

Ugh.

And so, whilst there are obvious things like doubt, fear and general dream stealers, that I don’t want to be taking in to 2022 with me, I have also identified those people and pursuits that I need to proactively plan time for.

In other words, I’ve updated my game plan.

As I am well aware, there remains much that is out of my control in life, including whether BoJo will go all restrictive on us in 2022.

But, it continues to be true that the way in which I respond to what is within my control determines whether I move toward or away from my dreams.

I recognise that I have been moving in the wrong direction in that respect and so I’ve begun to right that for 2022.

It offers another chance to begin again for which I am grateful, especially as I have found myself wondering more than once during 2021 whether I used the changes prompted by restricted living in 2021 to do what I feel called to do.  The honest answer, is no.

I want to rectify that in 2022.

Try, fail, reflect, repeat!

Recently, I have absolutely relished the freedom to go out to play; to watch films, eat out, dance until my body reminds me that I am not as young as I once was (who is?) and to sing worship to my God at Church.

Who knows how long this will last now that Omicron is on track for the fastest spreader so far.

But whilst restrictions have remained largely at bay, I have been reminded of the importance of fun.

How easy it is to lose sight of this in the presence of all things adult-ing.

In this respect I have regularly lost sight of fun throughout this last year.  I don’t think any year is typically all bad or all good but this one certainly feels like it has swung more in to the not good box.

I often wonder why it is that I learn so much more from my mistakes.  Perhaps it is the simple reality that pain jolts me in to paying attention.  There is nothing like a big arse ouch to make me sit up and take note.

As I reflect on the year, I see a pattern of poor decision making.  I didn’t know they were poor decisions at the time.  I thought I was being … open to new possibilities!

But I quickly discovered the prompt emergence of a sinking heart, an overwhelming amount of stress and or a combination of both are pretty good indicators that something is not right!

What I have practised this year is recognising when I have got myself in to something that asks too much or delivers too little, that it is I who need to take responsibility for my error and get myself back out pronto.

The culture I live in which unfortunately lives within me at least until I excavate and examine it fully, tells me that I must always put others first (especially as a female and Christian).

Like absolutely everything else in life, this needs to be within context rather than an absolute blanket approach to all.

Sometimes an ingrained belief that one must not fail others can actually leave me failing the first person I am actually responsible for AKA myself.

And when I fail myself too often or for too long, I begin to fail or at least to malfunction or cease to flourish or have much to offer others.  This is not a win, win scenario!

Learning what is not right for me has been at least as important this year as learning what is.  It’s just that the growth and learning that accompany getting it wrong, is more painful!

In that respect, this year has seen quite the growth spurt!

But I accept that sometimes I just have to have a go in order to find out if something works or not. 

I win some, I lose some.

So as I proceed towards the end of this year, I definitely want to carry within me a renewed understanding that when something does not work, I need to abandon it, NOT myself.

I don’t consider that to be a bad lesson to take from the year!

And I certainly don’t want to forget that in the face of all this trying, failing, reflecting and repeating, I must hold on to FUN, for it is this that enables me to reconnect with my own spontaneity, aliveness, humour and capacity to keep having a go!