Try, fail, reflect, repeat!

Recently, I have absolutely relished the freedom to go out to play; to watch films, eat out, dance until my body reminds me that I am not as young as I once was (who is?) and to sing worship to my God at Church.

Who knows how long this will last now that Omicron is on track for the fastest spreader so far.

But whilst restrictions have remained largely at bay, I have been reminded of the importance of fun.

How easy it is to lose sight of this in the presence of all things adult-ing.

In this respect I have regularly lost sight of fun throughout this last year.  I don’t think any year is typically all bad or all good but this one certainly feels like it has swung more in to the not good box.

I often wonder why it is that I learn so much more from my mistakes.  Perhaps it is the simple reality that pain jolts me in to paying attention.  There is nothing like a big arse ouch to make me sit up and take note.

As I reflect on the year, I see a pattern of poor decision making.  I didn’t know they were poor decisions at the time.  I thought I was being … open to new possibilities!

But I quickly discovered the prompt emergence of a sinking heart, an overwhelming amount of stress and or a combination of both are pretty good indicators that something is not right!

What I have practised this year is recognising when I have got myself in to something that asks too much or delivers too little, that it is I who need to take responsibility for my error and get myself back out pronto.

The culture I live in which unfortunately lives within me at least until I excavate and examine it fully, tells me that I must always put others first (especially as a female and Christian).

Like absolutely everything else in life, this needs to be within context rather than an absolute blanket approach to all.

Sometimes an ingrained belief that one must not fail others can actually leave me failing the first person I am actually responsible for AKA myself.

And when I fail myself too often or for too long, I begin to fail or at least to malfunction or cease to flourish or have much to offer others.  This is not a win, win scenario!

Learning what is not right for me has been at least as important this year as learning what is.  It’s just that the growth and learning that accompany getting it wrong, is more painful!

In that respect, this year has seen quite the growth spurt!

But I accept that sometimes I just have to have a go in order to find out if something works or not. 

I win some, I lose some.

So as I proceed towards the end of this year, I definitely want to carry within me a renewed understanding that when something does not work, I need to abandon it, NOT myself.

I don’t consider that to be a bad lesson to take from the year!

And I certainly don’t want to forget that in the face of all this trying, failing, reflecting and repeating, I must hold on to FUN, for it is this that enables me to reconnect with my own spontaneity, aliveness, humour and capacity to keep having a go!