Mothers; what we’re not supposed to talk about

Now that I have finally re-gained my equilibrium via hormonal management/trauma therapy, I am able to pick up the book that has been a lifetime in the making. This gets me back in touch with my experience of family. This is hard and it hurts and is not for here.  

However, my attention has recently been drawn to the relationship between mothers and daughters. These are as rich and diverse as each of us, with my work bringing me in to contact with all the differing experiences that people have; good, bad and in-between.

But what stands out to me is that most women unswervingly accept their mothers’ flaws and failings. Those of us willing to engage with the painful, life changing work of therapy do so because we’ve realised that we are full of our own flaws and failings, inherited or otherwise. There is also a realisation that there is more benefit in owning and working through our own flaws than remaining in the more comfortable position of pointing the finger at others.

Anyway, despite all the unique stories, there is an almost universal struggle amidst these relationships. This is when a mother refuses to admit or acknowledge that certain behaviours of hers have hurt at best (inevitable) or harmed or allowed others to harm (avoidable) at the near worst. The growing numbers of babies being murdered by mother’s or the mother’s partners testifies to the truth and sickness of the ultimate extreme. That’s a whole other tragedy I won’t explore here but one worthy of acknowledgement.

Back to those mothers who hurt or blatantly harm or allow others to harm their daughters. It is the refusal to acknowledge this reality that causes the most harm. What is not owned or taken responsibility for is allowed to continue without recognition or respect for the harm impacted on the daughter. This can often be due to an unwillingness/inability to acknowledge the harm received by their own mothers and probably theirs before them. This is the maternal line that if left unchallenged or unexplored can simply be passed down between the generations. This may continue until those who enter therapy stop to do the work of exploring the past, healing from it and making a whole different set of mistakes!

When a mother refuses to take responsibility for her own hurts or those she inflicts upon her daughter, this can cause deep and lasting damage to the self esteem of the daughter, the mother and the relationship between them.

None of us are perfect or generally need anyone else to be but we all need those who have hurt us to acknowledge this so as not to continue inflicting the same harm. The failure to do so can lead to the severing of contact to prevent further harm. This is a real tragedy especially given it doesn’t have to be this way.

The result of my own experiences coming into sharp focus over the past few days was a large contributing factor to losing my sh*t in the face of the technology farce last night. I knew there was more going on than the frustrations of the tech but I needed time and space to go inside myself to acquire this INSIGHT.

Apart from the ongoing sadness that I live with about my own experiences in this area, I am also aware that if left unexamined, my own hurt can come out in unpleasant ways to those closest to me. While this is inevitable, what is optional is a willingness to stop, see it, own it, take responsibility for it, allow time to digest it, acknowledge the impact on the other and apologise for it.

Having given myself space to see what was going on and having apologised to my closest, I can now relax and have a brew with my fabulous Ju. This is the lady who refers to me as ‘the daughter she never had’. I in turn refer to her as’ the mother I never had’. Gotta love a two way win!

My fabulous feline-loving fellow counsellor also sent me a message and card that each evoked a spontaneous eruption of laughter. What healing balm to our souls those around us can be.

It remains true that it is within relationships that we hurt but it is also within relationships that we heal; not always the same relationships! It is as true in personal relationships as in professional that failings and ruptures are opportunities to learn, grow, heal, apologise, forgive and be apologised to and forgiven. For these are some of the richest components of living, learning and loving.

How encouraging that when I handle things badly, the Almighty awaits to accompany me on my explorations as to what inner reality is driving my outer behaviours. With His presence, I can commit to continue seeing and acknowledging my own hurts to allow deeper healing, quicker recognition of the hurting of others and corrective action taking. An exhausting but enlightening lifelong endeavour.