July, 2024 - The middle phase in life ...

Hot or what?

After a rather wet, cold start to our summer, we’re now in full on high heat with no time to adjust! It feels outrageous to complain but complaining is an embedded part of our culture!

There’s a very welcome breeze today but temperatures are still set to soar to 28c!

As with every other part of our life experience, we need to learn how to manage our response to that which we cannot control. In this instance, to manage the response of our systems; body and mind, to the heat of the weather.

Many of us struggle to sleep at the best of times especially when hormones are creating havoc, but the heat adds an additional challenge. And for me, a cumulative lack of sleep can result in headaches and grumpiness! Both of which make me want to join my ginger feline in lazing around for hours on end under the sun protecting powers of the parasol.

Yet, I know that while overdoing things in this heat is unhelpful for mind or body, so too is underdoing them! As with all else, listening to our body and recognising its needs is essential to maintaining a healthy balance.

So in my attempts to look after mind and body, I’m intentionally doing something active if not too rigorous, every day.

Mondays short walk rewarded me with all the beautiful sights and scenes of the surrounding green spaces; undoubtably good for mind and soul.

Yesterday, I cycled to the outdoor pool where the noise levels made my heart sink but the cool of the water revived me.

I’ve tried a different yoga class this week to mix things up and keep me on my toes/elbows/knees.

And today, I will cycle to a local café to meet a friend.

The heat can present a real challenge for us all. It can be become all too easy to succumb to slothfulness, but gentle movement can help us on all levels. And not just the endless trips to the loo to keep up with the endless intake of fluids!

Welcome to summer people!

The GREAT unknown

The unknown is often referred to as ‘great’ because it invites us to a greater sense of awareness, aliveness and adventure. All of which bring new discoveries, new knowledge and new ways.

The cost of only doing what we already know how to do, in the way we have always done it, is a ‘same old, same old’ experience. While there is a time to stick to the comfort of the familiar or the known-to-work way, there is also a time to try different things using new ways. This is what keeps us alive and healthy enough to keep growing beyond our existing knowledge.

When I returned from a couple of years of travelling through Asia and Australasia, I vowed I would never go on a package holiday again! After the adventures of volunteering in India, trekking in the Thai jungle (sleeping in hammocks with no facilities), staying in a Buddhist monastery sleeping on the floor and practising all kinds of meditation, teaching kids in schools and helping locals to clean up after the devastation of the tsunami, nothing sounded less appealing than a package holiday!

How quickly things can change!

A year into my counselling training, I was so exhausted I couldn’t wait to book a package holiday! And not any old one but specifically an Oak Hall holiday which offers the opportunity to sign up, pay up and show up. No brain required as all the thinking and organising is done for you. Absolutely ideal for those of us desperately seeking a brain break.

Furthermore, it bought the bonus of being part of a Christian family that spans the world over. This enhanced my understanding of faith beyond my own little Christian world. As one who never entered church before the age of thirty, I’ve never really understood denominations or wanted to become bias or blinded to an ‘our way or the highway’ approach.

We all need familiarity, comfort and ease, especially in times of trial, exhaustion, stress or illness. But to maintain the health and growth that keeps us alive, we also need times of stepping beyond what we know, to sample the different-ness of what we don’t. This is how we enrich and expand our body of knowledge through lived experience.

This doesn’t need to involve huge life changing choices. It can be as simple as doing something different from the way you usually do things, thus ensuring a different experience.

It could be trying all manner of new things such as:

Taking a different route to work
Sampling something different for breakfast
Trying new recipes for meals
Baking cakes you haven’t baked before
Visiting a different destination, whether a day trip or longer holiday
Choosing different colours or styles of clothing
Watching a genre of film/reading a book you haven’t tried before
Painting a room a different colour / moving things in to a different layout
Engaging with those of a different gender/age/faith/culture/orientation to you

Or a ton of other options.

When we practice the same old, same old approach to life, it is easy to get stuck in a ‘going through the motions’ mode of mundanity. This may allow a switching off from staying present to the present, by switching on to auto-pilot mode. Again, there may be times when this is necessary. However, if this is adopted as the normal mode of operandi, we may prevent ourselves from noticing all that the present wishes to present to us.

This mode for existing may involve many mild forms of dissociation and disconnection between the mind and body – like when you arrive somewhere and don’t remember the drive. A ‘killing me softly’ approach to our own sense of aliveness.

I was reminded of the enlivening, body/mind connecting powers of doing something different earlier this week. As I wandered towards the chemist to drop in a prescription, I decided to take a different route across the fields. I didn’t know when I started out which way I would go so I let my feet wander wherever they wanted. I was instantly and richly rewarded by the sight of many beautiful flowers along the way.

As I didn’t know what I would encounter along the way or where I would end up, I had to keep my wits about me by paying attention to the path. Like many of the country pathways right now, the path I found myself on was incredibly overgrown. I had to dodge the nettles and thistles with every step. And one pathway took me to a dead-end where the pathway was entirely blocked by both. This rendered it impossible to pass through without the protection of pin covering pants.

Sometimes when we take a path we haven’t taken before, we end up having to turn back. That’s ok, as we have learned something new about which way not to go. Knowing what not to do, or which way not to go, is as important as knowing which way to go. And sometimes we only learn by walking the path. To stick to all that we know is to block the pathway to knowing something new.

As I backtracked on to a different path, another track beckoned me. I could see it was overgrown with huge nettles, so I put my scarf to use as a barrier between them and me. As I progressed down the track, I was rewarded with the offerings of a big, juicy, black berry brandishing bush! I had thought it was too early for them particularly given the excess of rain with the shortage of sun. But these blackberry bushes testified to their resilience to ripen regardless!

If I had not tried the new path, I would not have discovered this source of crumble filling goodness. Of course, I had to pop one into my mouth for quality control purposes. It was the first such fruit of the season and it did not disappoint! And I made an immediate note to myself to start carrying food bags from here on in, on all walks!

When we try a different way to do something, we do not always know what we will encounter along the way or where we may end up. We will inevitably encounter that which we do not like or end up someplace we do not wish to be. However, the other side of this is that we will also make unexpected, but exciting discoveries. All of which teaches us new things and develops our confidence in managing the unknowns as they arise. No experience is ever wasted.

When we choose to do something different, we pay attention to our surroundings in a more connected and present way. This evokes an enlivened experience by reconnecting our mind to our body.

GREAT!

A life stealing lie of our times

The lie – life is supposed to be shit

‘This is the worst sort of ‘believe it/become it’ brand of bullshit going if we allow it to reign and rule unrecognised throughout a lifetime.’

The facts are that life brings shit to us all but our ability to recognise its fertilising qualities will determine our ongoing health, growth and enjoyment of it all.

I believe the promise of the Almighty is that life is supposed to be a full and enlivening affair from start to finish despite the ups, downs and inevitable stress that every human encounters enroute.

Sometimes it is the pain of heart ache or break that shows us we are still alive. The alternative which may happen so subtly as to go undetected, is to numb out, cut off from or distract from our pain. If we shut down the heart in this way (or any other way), our sense of aliveness diminishes. The heart is not only for beating to stay physically alive, but also for staying soft enough to remain psychologically alive.

We all like feeling happy but if we don’t learn to manage all the other feelings in a healthy way, we disconnect from our own hearts. As our aliveness deteriorates, our cynicism, sarcasm, jadedness and destructiveness may rise.

Life is NOT supposed to be shit.

However, for this to remain a reality, we need to be an active participant in making it so. Nobody’s grass will be greenest if it gets too much or too little rain or sun, isn’t mowed, weeded, protected from ants or other threats.

In the world beyond the Jones, there is no competition in this, for one unique life is not comparable to another. But each of us are responsible for recognising and responding appropriately to what / who and where, enhances or undermines our health and growth.

If we want a fulfilling life, we need to do the work of building one followed by the work of increasing what supports us while reducing what does not.

As we age, our physical body’s deteriorate. Some work harder than others to utilise all the tweakments available to prevent this process. With varying results. But aging happens to us all regardless.

However, every other part of us; mental and emotional (soul) and spirit are invited to stay healthy enough to keep growing throughout a lifetime. And those who maintain their appetite for growth with vision, purpose and meaning, often, but not always, live long lives. (There are always exceptions where beautiful humans get taken young and I don’t pretend to understand this. At all).

When we use every part of ourselves to fulfil us AND to offer something of value to the world beyond our own, we create the conditions that are within our control, for keeping ourselves healthy, alive and growing.

This fact is well illustrated through the like and lives of Sir David Attenborough, John D Rockefeller, Stephen Hawking as well as countless others whether nonagenarian or defying a disease. These were or are men with a mission, contribution and heart for the world. They each made or are making valuable contributions for the greater good. In doing so they defy the seven score years rule or the prognosis of their conditions.

And some even continue to contribute from way beyond the grave. A recently recognised example is the literary contributions of Roald Dahl – thank God that his readers are challenging attempts to change Dahl’s original text.

John D Rockfeller had a particularly transformative experience that changed him radically. He was forced by ill health to change his trajectory from being a man on a mission to be minted, to being a minted man on a mission to share what he had with those who had not.

And this doesn’t only apply to the male of the species! The Queen is probably the most well-known example of such a woman. Whether you like the Royal family or not there is no denying her commitment to her purpose or the longevity of her life. While privilege would have played a part, privilege alone can’t keep people alive. There are many miserable millionaires out there.

Every human is dealt a set of cards for life; some that help and some that hinder. The only part we get to choose is; will we play them and if so, how?

Fear can make great excuse makers of us all. Blaming others for our misfortunes is a great way to block our own progress. Taking responsibility for the good, bad and all in between of ourselves and our lives, is the only way to work towards creating a life we want to live. And that doesn’t happen in isolation of others.

And, when we do want to live our lives, we do everything differently. We put our hearts into our actions and our resources in to giving to the world outside ours.

We each have strengths, weaknesses, talents and challenges, all of which make us whole. And when we bring our whole selves, we offer the unique contribution of our gift, to a world of many needs. Those that will benefit from our gift, are often guided to us. This is the ultimate win/win way of life for those with the belief to build it.

This isn’t some woo woo shit I like the sound of, I have heard numerous stories that testify to the truth of it. It is the worst moments of our lived experience that can transform us – John D Rockfella is only one example of this. At the point we imagine our life to be over, it may well be in the way we knew it. But, bleakness is often the birthplace for a whole new life.

Whether you believe in the universe, Mother Earth or anything else, I believe that God Almighty offers us repeated chances to learn and grow through the worst of ourselves, each other and our lives.

Life deals shitty hands to us all throughout our lifetimes. But the shittier the cards the greater the potential for growth, within them. If we can maintain a healthy enough outlook to face up to, talk about, seek support and work through these, we will continue to grow and to learn. And ultimately to stay alive on more than a physical level.

That which we resent and resist the most, offers the greatest chance to enrich, expand, improve and enliven ourselves and our offerings. If, we accept and work with all that life throws at us. Eventually anyway, once we’ve got over as many meltdowns and tantrums we need to move from the worst to the best!

Or alternatively, we can choose to sit and stagnate in the sinking and stinking sand of blame, fear and excuses. And if this is due to never learning there is another way, now is the time to start doing something different to move towards having something different.

The choice is entirely ours.

If you don’t know how to get started with any of that, there is a God who loves to help with all that kind of jazz! Don’t take my word for it, ask him yourself!

Life is not supposed to be shit.

We are supposed to recognise the shit for what is; a regular precursor to another growth spurt that can deliver you to a better life than the one before. Or at the very least, an increased confidence in managing our stress response without losing our shit or our ability to notice the moments of magic amid every stinking pile of you know what!

The roses do come, but not before the shit.

Pet therapy & the trauma link

Last week, like hundreds of other Arlesey residents, I was horrified to see that two local pet dogs had been viciously mauled by an out-of-control Staffy. My limited understanding is that this breed can make for extremely loving animals where there is a healthy history and, or, a competent handler.

In this case, the absence of a responsible handler meant this dog posed a serious risk. I sincerely hope that the dogs subjected to these attacks are recovering well. Ditto their owners. What shocking, horrifying experiences. As all of us animal lovers know, out pets are family.

I equally hope that the humans responsible have been held to account with the dog being restrained to prevent re-occurrences.

On the therapeutic benefits of our pets, it is not new that the wordless, unconditional love of our animals can be hugely healing for our human hearts. We live in a culture that encourages us to over think everything while not equipping us to manage the at times overwhelming emotions of our hearts. Much less to understand the connection between the heart, mind and body.

There is new research being undertaken all the time to help us understand how our bodily systems work especially in response to stress and trauma. Trauma is a big buzz word right now and like most things in life, comes in all shapes and sizes.

Trauma is basically any experience that overwhelms our ability to manage it in the moment. This may manifest via losing our shit in anger, having a monumental meltdown, or becoming paralysed by anxiety and ultimately shutting down. In more clinical terms this may be referred to as becoming dysregulated.

The way we respond to trauma is based upon how those around us responded to us when we were traumatised in our early years. That becomes a template for how we then respond to any current trauma. At least until we take the time to learn what is going on in our bodies at a deep and unconscious level so that we can then learn healthier, more helpful ways if necessary.

For example, if we experience a situation that bears some resemblance to an earlier experience, this effectively raises the alarm in our system. The system recognises it has experienced something similar so instantly responds in whatever way it originally learned to do so. This process happens so automatically that it bypasses intellectual awareness or a present-day risk assessment.

This means that the system does not recognise that the old response may have been learned during an unsafe early experience. The new situation may be frightening or stressful but not necessarily life threatening, (sometimes it may be) but our body responds as if it is still back then.

When we understand this is a deep, bodily level, instinctive, learned response to stressful stimulus in our early life, we can start to reprogram the bodily response to be appropriate to the current source of stress. It helps if we first learn to recognise what effectively presses our ‘stress/trauma response’ button.

Then we can start to teach our system when it’s auto generated response is not needed. We do this by recognising what set our alarm off, assessing the risk in the present moment and if we are safe, re-grounding ourselves in the now and not the back then. By recognising what our body is doing and why, we can work with it by reminding ourselves this is now, not then and we are safe (if we are.) We can then start to learn what switches the trauma response back off when it is not needed.

In the simplest of terms, we hopefully live most of our lives in our, ‘life is challenging but we are managing’ mode. When something stressful happens, we may move in to the next level of overwhelm where anxiety may paralyse, or anger may cause us to act/lash out. If this continues longer than our ability to manage it, we may collapse in to the final level of shutdown, defeat, helpless, feeling like a victim mode. This is because our nervous system has been activated to move through these levels to ensure our physical and psychological survival. It needs updating to recognise the response that was necessary in early life may be hindering us in adult life.

When our nervous systems gets activated in these ways, which they do during an ordinary day, we often naturally move from the stress level of anger/anxiety back to the calm level without necessarily being consciously aware that this has happened. It is the nervous system that fires up the stress response and the parasympathetic system that brings the body back to a calm state where life feels manageable again. If we get activated to a stress response too frequently or if this doesn’t ease up, we may get stuck in survival rather than living mode. We may then need to be more proactive in how we restore our system to a calm manageable state.

We are each utterly unique in our history, our experiences and the way our bodys’ have learned to react to stress and trauma. We each need to recognise what supports our parasympathetic system to restore us to a manageable mode.

There are numerous ways we can move from a stress response to a calm state. There is not a one size fits all although there may be ways that work for many. For some, slowing down and deepening the breathing is enough to re-set and rebalance the system. For others, this can exacerbate the stress response. For some, removing shoes and standing on the ground, especially outside, can reconnect us with the solidity and safety of the now. For others the act of walking sooths the system. Or it could be nature or music or prayer or various other things.

There are many ways to restore our systems ability to stay connected to ourselves and our experiences in ways that feel manageable. It is essential that we each learn what does and does not work for us. And when necessary, that we seek professional support to do so. It is not a sign of weakness or failing to need professional input to understand our systems in ways that allow us to live rather than settle for existing in a survival only mode. I have utilised trauma therapists in three different country’s’ so far! I love to learn and utilise new approaches as they appear.

One way that works for many of us when it comes to comfort, is through the special bond we form with our pets. The animals that we share our homes and hearts with are instinctive, body led creatures. I don’t believe they sit ruminating or suffer analysis paralysis – when we love them, they know it and they love us back. We cannot force a pet to love us with words alone, they know in their body when we love them. And it is a fact that the presence of a beloved pet can activate the calm restoring properties of our systems. It is shown to sooth the pet too … a two-way win!

Furthermore, the instinctive nature of animals shows us that they can freeze in the face of threat / play dead, before shaking out the fear response from their systems so they can carry on living. We need to move to do this more too!

Anyway, as a lover of the feline of the species, last night at around 3am, as I lay in a sweaty, perimenopausal heap, tossing, turning, wondering why the bedside fan wasn’t helping and worrying about all that I am currently wrestling with, I wished that my gorgeous ginger rescue cat would come to me. It wasn’t long before he did! He loves to snuggle right into me so I can put my arm around him and lay my head on his back. And in this position, I stopped ruminating, and the presence of my felines body restored my calm so I could return to sleep.

What wonderful gifts these precious pets of ours, are. And they don’t have to have four legs to qualify. I have a friend who has a quail who loves to hang out with their German shepherd as well as the rest of her family!

Thank God for pets!

The spark of human connection

There are undoubtedly advances in technology that help humanity. However, humans need human contact. Technology will never be able to replicate much less replace this basic human need.

Typically, in many scenarios, technology can only be trusted to let us down on a regular basis. When it does, a human must step in resulting in the process taking double the time of having a human do it in the first place.

There is a time and place for all things including technology. But perhaps there remains a question around where technology helps and where it hinders or even harms.

I read an excellent post online yesterday about a father’s experience of his son attempting to persuade him to shop and bank online. Or in other words, to remove the need to go out and mix with other humans. Isolating ourselves from others is not progress, it’s one of many contributing factors to the growing issues with mental health.

In managing my own health better, I am pleased to say that I am finally practising slowing down. I am no longer attempting to squeeze unrealistic stress raising amounts out of myself or my day (mostly!). This has the added benefit of making everything more manageable and even enjoyable. That’s a win/win right there.

So today as I was calmly making my way through the errands that required me to go into the world, I was pleasantly surprised by some unexpected encounters. Two of which I had in the same supermarket! I bumped in to two people that I vaguely know from other settings. Instead of my usual ‘too busy’ to stop approach, I engaged with each of them.

In doing so, I was richly rewarded with real conversations right there in the middle of the supermarket. There was honesty, vulnerability, two way sharing and a shit ton of laughter! None of that dry, dead, superficial nonsense that seems to be so prevalent. Instead, it was the cut-to-the-chase real. I love that stuff!

When two humans are willing to drop pretence and bullshit, you get a heart-to-heart connection. This gives an enlivening experience that uplifts both parties. And it reminds us to keep our eyes and our hearts open as we go about the drudgery of the day, less we miss the very moments that wait to spark us in to aliveness.

We cannot eradicate the need for human connections by forcing everyone to use online systems. You simply exclude a whole group of people as well as reducing the contact and connections that keep us all alive and human.

The human need for connection may depend on our makeup and circumstances, but we all need this.

How grateful I am to have slowed down enough to see and speak to those I unexpectedly met amid my day.

Unfortunately, I still had to practice keeping my cool when the scanning machine rather predictably required human assistance for every single item. However, even this meant contact with a helpful human rather than just the stress of the malfunctioning technological machine.

Winning, just about!

Birdsong for seasong

Last week I enjoyed a week out in Suffolk away from all the ordinary responsibilities of adulting. Time out has never been an optional extra but with age, it becomes increasingly essential to maintaining our physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing.

The simple act of changing the scenery that surrounds us can reawaken our senses to what we may have ceased to notice in the busyness of life.

As much as time out in the greenery of nature recharges my battery, so too does the blue (or sometimes brown!) vast open space of the sea. The sight and sound of the sea allows me to breathe deeply. And when the sun occasionally graces us with its presence, I find the twinkling stars that dance upon the waves to be utterly mesmerising.

It is these simple pleasures that can allow us to stop, see, hear, feel and fully come back to an embodied experience. They allow the brain to take a break from relentless thinking and the body to reconnect to all that gives it a sense of aliveness.

Every time I wander aimlessly on a stony beach, free from the demands of daily life, I can lose hours drinking it all in. The more I look at those stones, the more beautiful they each become. Every stone is so utterly unique while wearing the effects of their own experience of life and the elements. Some are nestled against others or within great clusters, where others sit alone. I always find myself reflecting on the parallels with us humans!

Anyway, as I don’t base my enjoyment of an English ‘summer’ holiday on the presence of the sunshine, I chose an Air b n b room with a stunning view. While I didn’t have the level of birdsong I have at home, there was a perch outside the window that some pigeons used to perform quite a show! There was some making of love and war!

In addition, I was able to immerse myself in looking at all the beautiful things on offer at Snape Maltings. This is something I love to do when the sun is not shining. And as my partner would have hated it and looked as miserable as the various men sat on chairs throughout these shops, I was thrilled to do this before he joined me! I wouldn’t want to subject him to that!

Anyway, as we reach middle age and beyond, the issue of maintaining these aging systems becomes increasingly important. The signs of wear/tear and maybe blatant abuse become less ignorable! And a break from the norm with time out from ‘to-do-ing’, can help to refresh mind and body.