We’re born, we live, we die a thousand deaths across a lifetime then experience a thousand and one re-births (if we’re determined) before our body breathes its last.
Today was a day that bought life and death up close and personal.
Grief is such a peculiar and deeply personal animal. It’s a week today since my friend died. It’s been full of ordinary life which continues as before, except it can never fully be as it was before. But the business of adulting has taken front stage while the grief has travelled along the sidelines, never far away. None of us can simply sit with sorrow all the time, neither is it helpful to ignore it all the time. The balance of giving space and silence to connect with and honour the grief versus tending the ongoing responsibilities of life, is a deeply unique and ever changing experience that we must experiment with, to find and then maintain. And the emotions of grief, in whatever form, can be exhausting. This means more rest where possible. Not my forte.
This morning, I had an exchange with the family of this friend. They were able to share the place and time where we will acknowledge her passing and celebrate her life. They sent songs that are speaking to them in their sorrow. And these interactions cut straight to the heart of my own grief ripping it right open to allow the rawness to come forth in response. She’s gone and she’s not coming back. It takes time to absorb something so incomprehensible, irreversible and painful (not to mention a shit ton of tissues – I congratulated myself on re-stocking them yesterday!)
Today as I listened to those songs, felt the sentiment of them and remembered the times of us dancing together. I laughed and I cried and I danced some more. I felt a little lighter. Not a lot but a little.
And then my time of being with grief was gone as today I was taking a good friend out for her birthday. Talk about one extreme to the other; death to celebration of life. I asked for some help from on high to make the transition so I could fully engage with my friend’s celebration.
At her request we started as all good celebrations start ie with a good sit down scoff. One of the first songs to come on the radio was my friend’s beloved Teddy Pendergrass – she looked at me in wide eyed wonder and I looked right back at her!
‘Well, I never know what He’ll do but I did say I prayed for your birthday!’, I offered.
This friend is a staunch atheist who graciously tolerates me praying for her even though I continue to ungraciously point out when the God she doesn’t believe in, answers them (which is frequently!)
Anyway, in response to Teddy playing from on high, I gestured an invitation to the imaginary dance floor in between the restaurant tables. Up we rose for a little shimmy as it would have been positively rude not to. And dancing is one of the things that bonds us!
Anyway, during lunch, this friend reflected on the times she had been at that very venue with her mother, who she misses. I asked her what her mother would say to her if she was there now. Without a second’s hesitation, she replied,
‘Happy Birthday’!
And we laughed so hard and for so long, I wished I hadn’t shovelled my food in quite so fast! That’s one of the other things that bonds us; silly, shared humour!
The radio continued to play many of my friends’ old favourites! Good times. High five Jesus!
A little post lunch saunter down the road saw me buy a bunch of snow drops for their encouragement, beauty and flower gazing potential. Plus, some pansies that were actually violas, in purple and yellow, because who doesn’t need these in the Winter.
As I love learning first hand from those who know way more than I do, I decided to pick the flower selling man’s brains for snowdrop survival strategies. I learned that snowdrops are not to be moved from their pots while growing – this is where lots of folk gone wrong apparently. And, they need to be around other snowdrops to realise their full growing potential.
‘Oh, like humans you mean?’ I asked’.
‘Yes’, he replied!
Wow, I love how nature reflects these lessons back to us all the time if only we are willing to lean in, look and listen to their wisdom.
Next on the fun menu was a leisurely, browsing session round a huge supermarket that neither of us usually go to. In there we bought a whole heap of stuff we never knew we needed, thanks mainly to clever marketing and a repeated use of the word ‘sale’. Plus, we got to dance again on another imaginary dance floor in between the clothes rails. We’re nothing if not resourceful.
On the return to the car my friend remarked that I hadn’t been rushing like I usually do. Wow! Part 2. Now this really is progress. Go me. Slowly of course.
All in all, we had fun. A super-birthday-sized portion of the stuff. And it felt good. As well as totally in contrast to the start of the day. This is life in all its duality and richness, joy and sorrow, laughter and tears, life and death. The ability to celebrate the life still being lived while acknowledging the life that will no longer be lived in bodily form yet lives on within me.
Each day really is a gift, even the ones we’d rather send back. All we can do is keep living, loving, losing, learning and for me, dancing!
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏💔❤️🙏🙏🙏🙏🥰xxx