The Need to Nourish

Last weekend I gave a talk on nourishment.

We all know we need physical nourishment, but how much thought much less application do we give to our mental, emotional and spiritual need for nourishment?

As I reflected upon this matter, I realised a few things.

Firstly, whilst training for the half marathon last year, I had to physically nourish myself to a whole new degree to facilitate my body keeping up with the additional physical demands I was placing upon it.  I had to learn about the different foods required to release sufficient energy to fuel over two hours of running.  Equally I had to learn about the foods required for my body to recover and repair after this increased exercise.  None of which would have been any use to me had I not then applied that knowledge.

We must nourish our body in line with the demands that we place upon it.

But in addition to the demands we place upon ourselves, we must factor in the age and stage of life that we are in. 

For example, post forty my body no longer processes carbohydrates in the way that it used to.  This means that my love of chips, crisps, cakes and the likes, basically fast tracks straight to the creation of a spare tyre.  As I learned to my detriment last October, the sporting of such a tyre can make the wearing of jeans a very uncomfortable experience.  

We need to recognise and understand not just what but how much our body needs to nourish it sufficiently.  A failure to do so will inevitably lead to weight gain or loss which if substantial can lead to various other issues.

Most of us know this stuff.

But do we realise that by the same token we must also nourish our minds and hearts sufficiently for the demands that we place upon them.

For example, in my own life, once I began to practice my work on a full time basis, I quickly discovered that I needed to learn a whole new level of nourishment.  Just as with the half marathon training, I was asking a whole heap more of myself mentally and emotionally than ever before.  As such I needed to increase and improve the way I nourished my heart and mind. 

This required a review of who, what and where leaves me feeling nourished and similarly, who, what and where do not.  I then implemented the necessary changes. 

How easy it is to allow the very things we need most; exercise, time with friends, fun pursuits etc to be squeezed out during the very times that we need them most.

Equally, how easy it can be to become stuck in situations that leave us malnourished.

Similarly, we need to recognise the season that we are in along with the subsequent impact upon our minds and hearts. 

For example, in that first year of grief for the loss of my spiritual mother, I needed more time than ever before to simply be.  My capacity for all was diminished.  Subsequently I spent long periods out walking in the fields or by the sea, I sat in garden centres indulging in serious flower gazing and I had more need of time with those precious people with whom I can bare my soul. 

In doing so, I was supporting my heart and mind with their natural capacity to heal.  As anyone who knows anything about grief will know, grief doesn’t end or finish, it simply changes and there are things we can do to support this process and things that obstruct it.

As there is more in the media about mental and emotional health we are beginning to gain more awareness and understanding of these vital aspects of our health.  Knowledge and understanding alone are not enough.  We must apply this.

Do we recognise that we are also spiritual beings who need to nourish our spirits?

Just as with the physical body, mind and heart, we need to nourish our spirits in line with what we are expecting of ourselves as well as recognising the demands of the season we are in.

We need to know not just what nourishes us spiritually and what does not, but we need to apply this in real terms to our daily lives.

Personally I am immensely grateful to be part of a Church that offers me an all round nourishment fest of a Sunday morning.  How I love to enter in to the presence of God to worship and remind myself that He is still God no matter what is going on in my life in between Sundays.  Plus I get fed a spiritual message by the teacher.  Then after the service, I relish the gift of being made a hot drink.  All of which is done amidst the embrace of my huge Christian family.

Nourishment central.

Of course I am still responsible for spiritually nourishing myself in between services.  It is vital that I recognise that sometimes the hunger I feel is one that only God Almighty can quench.  Thus attempts to satisfy such hunger in any other way, will always fall short.

And, just as we generally need more than one physical meal a week, so too do we need regular nourishment mentally, emotionally and spiritually throughout each day and week.

In summary, we need to know ourselves; body, mind, heart and spirit well enough to recognise which part of ourselves is in need of nourishment at any given time and how best to nourish it.

Otherwise, all too often when we have a heart, mind or spiritual need to talk something through with someone or for time outside for a walk or break or to do something fun, we may instead find ourselves mindlessly eating food that is not nutritious or nourishing.

The act of physically eating when your hunger is of a different kind is to temporarily distract yourself from the true source of hunger.  After which you are left not only with the original hunger but also with the discomfort of eating unnecessarily.

We all do this to a degree.

Especially me!

But we need to recognise when we are doing it that we may stop to identify the true source of our hunger that we can respond by nourishing it appropriately.

It is a hungry business being a human.

Let us learn how to nourish our hungers in healthy ways.

The better able we are to nourish all the parts of ourselves well, the better able we are to share such nourishment with others.

Ten Brand New Ones

Not only are we looking in to the face of a whole new year but actually in to ten whole new years, otherwise known as a decade!

And, whilst the term ’New Years’ Resolution’ appears to be currently out of favour, the importance of acknowledging this new time frame remains.

Part of doing so involves acknowledging the death or ending of the previous year and decade.   

We may consider where we were ten years ago, where we imagined we would be at this point versus where we are now in reality.

There may be regrets as to what was not achieved or what turned out differently to how we hoped.

Whilst we cannot go back or re-write what has passed, we can acknowledge such regrets along with any subsequent sense of loss accompanying them.

We don’t have to leave it there though or to passively allow another year much less a decade to pass us by if we are not where we want to be.

Where we do have choices we must decide whether or not to activate them.

This week as I have reflected upon this, I have noticed a theme emerging around the influence of death or even the threat of death to a loved one.  

When forced to stare in to the face of our own mortality by the presence or threat of death, it is common to find ourselves propelled out of any inertia.

Death may evoke a deeper experiential knowing that this life thing does not continue forever.

This willingness to engage with mortality, whether our own or others, can become the pinnacle for change and movement toward a deeper engagement with life.

But, it is not always the death or threat of death to a loved one that forces us to engage with life afresh.  At times it can be the death or ending of life as previously known.  For whilst us humans often accept the status quo irrespective of personal cost and loss of aliveness, death and life will often invite us to search for more.

I often hear people say that the worst experiences of their life that effectively killed off life as they formerly knew it, end up becoming the very events that mobilise them in to action to make the radical changes they long for.  

Whilst the death, loss, ending, disappointments and regrets of the previous year or decade must be acknowledged, they need not deter us from engaging afresh with all that lay ahead.

The new decade invites us all to enter in to its embrace and opportunities, its highs and lows, good times and bad.

How will we respond?

Will we dare to make plans or take steps towards that which we really long for?

The new decade awaits …

Au-revoir 2019

It is the last day of 2019.

But before I jump in to all that 2020 has to offer, I’m taking a little time to reflect and review the lessons of 2019.

This been a year of real highs, painful lows and all in between.

The highs as I have stepped out in to new areas have been scary and enlivening in equal measure.  I am grateful for their presence, their lessons and the growth that they have evoked.

The losses, deaths and lows have reminded me afresh of the fragile and fleeting nature of this thing called life.

Both of which remind me of two things.

Firstly, that people are the most important part of life.

And secondly, that loving people is the most important thing to do in life.

Some of the other lessons taught to me by 2019 are summarised below.

I learned not to ignore anything in life that repeatedly causes my heart to sink. Whilst some stuff cannot be chosen or controlled, some can and life is way too short to choose heart sinking stuff.

Some things just don’t need to be said.  In the face of another’s spikes, I don’t need to retaliate with a combative spike of my own!  I can just let it go!  Really!  Years of my lovely Margaret gently manoeuvring her way around my multiple spikes, is beginning to pay off!  Yay!

I have increased my sensitivity to the subtle tug of the reins when God says, ‘Woah, slow down and hold on a moment lady’!  To my favour!  Perhaps He really does know what’s best for me!

I discovered that in the face of an anger evoking situation from which I cannot remove myself, that to stubbornly hold on to said anger is not only an exercise in futility but also one that makes me a much uglier and more miserable individual myself!

I equally realised that any kind of bad behaviour (others or my own) is always an expression of pain that cannot at that moment be articulated in any other way.  Whilst this does not excuse any such behaviour (others or my own), there are helpful and unhelpful, kind and unkind ways of responding.

I had the experience of not only feeling nervous about teaching or preaching but also experiencing great joy during the delivery.  Halleluyah!

I realised that no matter what position or power or influence or privilege people hold, they are all just flawed people with the guts and commitment to have a go and to learn along the way.  And that helped me to put my flawed self in to positions where I would be exposed and inevitably criticised.   And when the criticisms came, I discovered that I would choose these any day of the week over an inability to respect myself for shying away from the invitations of life.

No matter how many years/decades/whatever you have been praying for certain situations without visible results, never ever give up.  Equally accept that alongside that prayer, we too may have a part to play.

I learned that my ability to show love to others is not dependent upon their treatment of me but rather on my capacity to receive and to share of the never ending love of God.  Liberation central.

I was shown afresh in numerous ways that God is no tight wad!  When He asks you to do something, He provides the readies to do so!  He is indeed a generous God and His generosity like every other part of Him is for us to share.

As a child, my father regularly used to say, ‘what’s the rush?’ in defence of his perpetual lateness.  Whilst I found this irksome and irritating, I now hear those words afresh.  Whilst I still dislike lateness, I am beginning to understand more and more that to rush is usually to slow one down.

My commitment to leaving more space in my diary has paid off.  It has provided a spontaneity whether for solitude or for unexpected social situations, that an overscheduled diary cannot accommodate.  

It always amazes me that I think I know these things.

And then life teaches me a whole new level of knowing which brings the revelation that I really know very little about very little!

But I pray that I will continue to love to learn regardless.

As I look forward in to 2020, I have a few thoughts about what to focus on.

I aim to reduce my time spent watching rubbish TV, increase my time spent reading other peoples work, continue to spend time outside in every season, organise and host more social events, write my first book which I’ve been threatening to write for as long as I can remember, eat less cake (will need extra supernatural assistance for this one) and constantly remind myself to just slow down and surrender to the natural rhythms of life.

God really is in control and trustworthy to sustain and lead me and us in all.

And so as 2019 draws to a close, I find myself ready to just let it go, (apart from all those lessons!) that I may be ready and willing to embrace 2020.

Countdown to Christmas

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Only a trinity of sleeps to go!

It’s crept up like it usually does but the countdown is now clearly on.

During the past week or so when my more organised friends began giving me gifts and cards, I realised that I needed to get my head out of its ‘big decision making’ space and promptly bring it in to, ‘it’s CHRISTMAS’ space!

And so since then, I’ve been playing catch up.

Because, as I’ve said before, I LOVE all things Christmas! 

I’ve been sporting my cheddar loaded reindeer clad Christmas jumper, I’ve baked mince pies with mixed results, bought most of my gifts and eaten out more times than my jeans are comfortable with.  

All in the name of Christmas catch ups with the people that I love and am grateful to share life with. 

It’s been feastastik.  

And there is still so much more to come!

I’ve also attended three Christmas parties including one silent disco, which was SO much fun!  The last party which allowed me to celebrate finishing work on Friday saw me as the last one on the dance floor at 1.00am when it closed!  Gosh I love dancing!  And I haven’t done enough this year so I need to rectify that in 2020.

But with all that aside, I equally recognise that Christmas isn’t all feasting and festive frolics.

It can of course also be an incredibly challenging, painful or lonely time. 

A time where we do not simply celebrate who and what we do have but where we also feel the pain of who and what we do not have.

As such Christmas, like the rest of life, can be a real mix of joy, sadness and all in between.  There is such expectation and pressure to be jolly and frivolous despite this not reflecting the experience of all.

When I think back to Christmas two years ago, I remember the devastation of watching my beautiful spiritual mother deteriorate day by day until her death in January.  It was heart breaking. 

Last year I was fortunate enough to be within the love of my new NZ family when the anniversary of this hit.

This year I will be amongst friends.

Christmas can be difficult for all manner of reasons.

I’ve been particularly delighted this year to see local restaurants responding to those who are alone by offering a free Christmas meal.   

Now that’s what I call putting your money where your mouth is.

And that is at the heart of Christ and Christmas; love in word and deed.

It is a time that serves to remind us all of what really matters in life.

Because when we strip back all the theology, the religion and the misinterpretations, the real message of Christ is one of pure love.  

His is a love that shows kindness and genuine care to others irrespective of any response.  And not just to those that we know and love but to anyone that we come in to contact with.  

Love is an attitude and a way of being.

It’s not all about the big gestures either.  

It may just be a smile or a text, a call or a helping hand.  

We know what love looks like, we just get so busy and distracted by life, so consumed by our own circumstances that we cease to notice the needs of those around us or even to recognise those reaching out to us.

But we all need love and we are all capable of giving it.  

Not sparingly but generously.  

Not in a select, I’ll give it to you but not to you way, but to all.

Because whether we are in pain this Christmas or bouncing off the walls with festiveness or even anywhere in between, we all need to be loved.

And Christmas reminds us that Christ was born and He still lives and He still loves and whether you are hurting or celebrating, He offers to be a stabilising, dependable source of unwavering love.

As far as I am concerned, that is a reminder worth having every year because it seems to get forgotten very easily between January and November.

Let us all drink deeply this Christmas of all that Christ is that we may attempt to share this love with each other for the whole year round.

Making decisions

Life presents us with an ongoing series of situations that require us to make decisions.

At times this can feel super scary and uncomfortably grown up.

Just to clarify, I’m still working on what the term grown up actually means!  All the humans I’ve ever met or known were an interesting and varied mix of grown up and infantile characteristics!

Including me!

But life is a constantly evolving collage of all the decisions that we have ever made along with all those that lay ahead.

Some decisions are small with minimum impact. 

For example, I am someone who considers the whole of December to be Christmas month (not that we have to wait until December to remember what life is really about). But as December approached I needed to decide what type of Christmas tree to buy.  I always buy real as I’m no fan of fakery but what size and base type?  After checking out the options, I decided I didn’t want a tacky looking pot when I could have what I considered to be the preferable rustic look offered by the base that has been carved in to a beautiful flat log sphere. 

Having decided the type of tree base I wanted, I headed to the local provider.  After much deliberation I chose my tree and the guy serving put it through the net machine.  Here, the lady next to me told me that they would be putting their tree to soak in a pot over night.  Oh, I thought.  How will I water mine?  The answer to which was that I would also need to get a special plant pot to stand the tree in to allow it to quench its thirst.  This also meant having the bottom part that I was particularly drawn to, chopped off!!

Not my best decision but the consequence was marginal!  And next year I will remember why I don’t want a tree with a base that looks great!  Perhaps I could get away with it if I was one who put my tree up on Christmas Eve but going for gold from the first just isn’t going to work!

However, other decisions are scarily big complete with major consequences.

As I was currently pondering a major life decision, I got stuck on the whole saying no to this means saying yes to the unknown.

Because quite often, we must let go of the thing that we know without knowing what will come next.  This introduces a thing called risk for we must take the step without any guarantee of what is to come.   And that can feel pretty uncomfortable.

As I pondered, reflected, deliberated and repeatedly prayed my top most used prayer, ‘HELP ME God!’, I began to see a little more clearly.

I also noticed the following Paulo Coelho quote, ‘everything we need to learn is always there before us; we just have to look around us with respect and attention in order to discover where God is leading us and which step we should take next.’

I heartily agree as I believe that God is constantly speaking to us through our daily surroundings in order to guide and help us.  I just know that personally I’m probably not paying attention most of the time as I’m too distracted and consumed by other things.

But in the face of a blindingly obvious need for God’s assistance, I began to pay a tad more attention than usual!

And I began to see a way forward. 

Not much of it. 

But enough to know what my first step should be.  In other words I knew what I would be taking one step away from, if not where said step would be taking me towards.

As I deliberated before biting the bullet of taking this first irreversible step, I read about how the priests led by Joshua had to step out in to the Jordan River before it stopped flowing.  This was a river that was at flood point at that stage.  Yet when the priests touched the river with their feet, it instantly stopped flowing. As I considered this, I was reminded that you have to take the step before you see what will happen.

Encouraged by this, I was able to take that first step.

And so it is that the great unknown beckons again.

I still have moments of wondering if I have lost the plot but mostly I feel really rather excited!

As I reflect upon the previous fifteen years I realise that I left my position amongst the play-it-safers back when I first gave up a ‘secure’ job to rent my house and explore the world.

Following my return, accompanied by a vibrant, life giving faith, I took ten years out to retrain which also happened to involve eight house moves.  

So I have learned a little about change, risk taking and decision making!  As well as how to trust the God who sees what I don’t.

So here I am again, relinquishing the play it safe approach for the put my faith in to action approach.

There are no guarantees.

There is risk.

There are consequences.

But I am game!

And after all that serious, grown up decision making, it was time for me to relax at my first Christmas Doo of the season.  Plenty of feasting and dancing followed.

Decision making is not always an easy thing.

But to do nothing when there is a need to do something, can at times be the biggest risk we can take.

Free Time

This can become the gift that we refuse to receive.

Because who isn’t fighting some kind of virus right now or at the very least, just plain tired?

It is as if we are all ready for the Christmas break a month ahead of schedule.

Including me.

Life can get stupidly full.

We live within a culture that rarely recognises the value let alone the necessity of free time or rest.

The nonstop stimulation/attention demanding nature of constantly ‘on’ technology means that it is an ongoing challenge to switch off the technology let alone the mind.

It is as if the concept of free time has become too costly to indulge in when there is always something or someone wanting our attention.

With little or no thought to the personal cost of being constantly ‘on’.

The physical body needs time to be free from the exertions of activity.  Ditto the heart, mind and soul.

And yet, in addition to the advances of technology, there is an all pervasive cultural ideology that can guilt trip us in the face of free time.

What I mean is that often people have accepted a belief that rest or downtime or free time is wasteful or even a sign of laziness.

Many are tormented by internal harsh task masters that drive them to constantly be doing.

Their value has become enmeshed with their activity and productivity rather than the essence of who they are.

Exhausting and unnecessary especially in the face of a God who loves us as we are, rather than for what we do.  The paradox being that in the face of such a love, one feels naturally motivated to do what one is able.  The challenge then becomes in knowing when to stop doing in order to rest.

It would seem that within our frenetic pace of life, our capacity for self care has become considerably diminished.

We have lost the ability to appreciate and enjoy free time.

Time out.

Down time.

Off time.

Rest.

Space.

Quiet.

Time to allow our body, mind, heart and soul to be still.

Time to restore, recharge, recover and reboot.

For me this week, it was time to walk or run amongst the stunning array of autumnal colours displayed in the leaves currently cushioning the walkways.  

Time to celebrate a birthday with a good friend, obviously involving excessive amounts of sugar loaded treats.

Or time to try a new spiced apple cake recipe.  So good I accidentally devoured a large chunk in place of dinner.  Oops.

Or time to sample my first home made mince pie of the season.  Warmed!

Or time to walk instead of drive and thus to notice this squirrel eating out of the bin.  Maybe he has a nut allergy.

And even time to notice and capture this frozen cobweb shimmering in the sunlight of the frosty morning.

We can all fall in to the trap of utilising every minute of every day to be doing.

But time out and off are not optional extras for this thing called life.

They are the fuel that stops us from burning out.

And when we refuse to take care of ourselves by making and using the gift of free time, we are falling in to a way of being that is more harmful than healthy.

At this time of year, the body protests via lowered immunity leading to increased susceptibility to all the seasonal viruses seeking a host.

There is much that we cannot control or prevent.

But we can choose whether to take the time out that we need to maintain the best level of health that we can.

A refusal to take time out to rest impacts our health.

The constant activity also impacts our relationships because these also require our time, attention and love.

And relationships start with the relationship with the self.

As we approach what can be one of the busiest seasons of the year, one of the best gifts of self care that we can give ourselves is to plan in some down time!

Living & Forgiving

Recently I have given a lot of thought to the subject of forgiveness, in preparations for various teaching workshops. 

Whilst I have often heard forgiveness talked about as if it is a simple one off choice, the reality is often more complex.

What many do not realise is that forgiveness is not an act of superficiality.

Over the years my heart has always sunk whenever I have heard this whole, ‘just forgive’ and everything is ok mantra.

It suggests in a flippant manner that this is easy.

Personally I am not convinced that Jesus agreed as he hung there on that cross.

We all encounter the simple day to day stuff where we can easily irritate and disappoint one another despite the best will not to. And it is important to let go of these as we go along.  A collection of grudges is never going to benefit anyone!

But in the more complex areas of injustice and trauma, forgiveness is more of a process.

It certainly starts by making an intellectual choice to forgive, whether someone else; dead or alive, or yourself (preferably whilst still alive!).

But if it also ends there, we are reinforcing any existing disconnect between head and heart.

I think that forgiveness is a threefold business.

First we exercise our free will by making an intellectual choice to forgive.

Then secondly, we can ask Jesus for help to practice forgiveness in real terms in real life as well as to help us spiritually.  Let’s face it, He totally has the monopoly on this forgiveness thing given His whole cross experience along with His ongoing love for us.

Or even, if we are struggling to choose to forgive intellectually, we can ask Jesus for help with that too.

But the third more tricky and timely bit is dealing with all the painful emotions of the heart that allow us to experience a heart rather than head only, level of forgiveness.

Most people simply skip this bit or pretend it is not necessary.  A bypass of which will often lead to other problematic behaviours or physical ailments.  But we all have free will and can exercise it how we wish whether passively or actively.

Thus, in order to experience the freedom that accompanies the giving of a heart level of forgiveness, we have to actually experience, own, acknowledge and work through all the painful feelings that we have about the matter we are attempting to forgive.

Depending on the depth or breadth of the original wound, there may also be a need for professional intervention.  This is no different to our physical health. 

Typically a process of forgiveness involves a process of mourning for whatever losses are attached to the matter needing to be forgiven.

A refusal to engage with this, impacts us.

Not the one you are attempting to forgive, but us.

An inability to give forgiveness to another is to hold on to unforgiveness ourselves.

And that costs.

It is complex but possible to forgive.

To clarify what I mean by forgiveness, I am talking about letting go of all the painful feelings that naturally accompany painful experiences of others.

What I do NOT mean by forgiveness, is that what happened does not matter. 

It matters.

You matter.

Your experience of it matters.

Any lasting impact matters.

It equally does not mean that you need to deny or diminish your true experience.

It also does not mean that you will automatically always continue a relationship with said person.

It even does not mean that it is not right and necessary in some cases to involve the appropriate authorities.

Forgiveness is often a complex and lengthy process that may need repeating.

It is certainly way too huge a subject to do any real justice to in a piece this short.

But in short, when we do not or cannot forgive another, it costs us to hold on to those painful feelings. So whilst it also costs us the pain of going through the process on a heart level to forgive another, it costs us more to avoid doing so.

We don’t have to settle for a superficial intellect only level of forgiveness when a deeper heart level is possible.

But at times we may need professional help to achieve this.

That we may continue to whole heartedly live, learn, love, forgive, be forgiven and repeat!

The heart of the matter

At various points over the years I’ve had a heavy heart every time I’ve heard the realm of emotions demonised within Christian arenas.

I’m encouraged by the new level of receptivity in recent years, but we still have a long way to go.

God gave each of us a heart and I believe He wants us to live with our hearts open to what life has to offer.   Whilst also exercising wisdom and discernment in the face of avoidable pain.

But if we avoid the heart by focusing on the spiritual alone, the physical, mental and emotional do not cease to exist or cease to be adversely impacted through cumulative neglect.

I was reminded of this recently when I attended a training day delivered by a fellow Christian and member of BACP.  This individual specialises in working with those struggling with addictions in sex, porn and love.

In the simplest form, the root cause of these addictions is an inability to tolerate painful emotions combined with genuine unmet emotional needs. This is further exacerbated by the experience of trauma especially when it occurs during the formative years.

Basically, exactly the same as what drives every other type of addiction or unhealthy behaviour whether around food, drink, drugs, sex, porn, spending, gambling, over work or the more blatant and physical self harm of cutting, burning etc.

But whichever way you look at it, the above are all forms of self harm.

And yet the most important commandment in the bible is still to love the lord your God and love your neighbour as YOURSELF.

It is ironic that our failure to learn how to love ourselves when we hurt can result in us hurting ourselves even more.

The above behaviours which we all fall victim to in various ways are a form of communication that as a society we just haven’t learned how to look after our hearts.

We have not learned how to love or comfort or sooth ourselves when we get hurt.  And as we cannot go through life without getting hurt unless we shut our hearts down, which isn’t living, this is pretty important.

Unmet emotional needs drive all our dysfunctions, insecurities, fears and harmful behaviours.

Yet this stuff can be learned.

We all have to learn how to proactively look after our physical health. We understand that we need certain conditions starting from birth for our physical bodies to grow up and mature in as healthy a way as possible.  We can’t choose our DNA but we can choose whether to look after our body’s in a healthy or harmful way.

In the same vein, none of us can choose the family we are born in to or the surrounding culture but we can each choose to proactively create the required conditions that facilitate our hearts as well as our minds growing in to maturity.  This doesn’t just happen.  We have to proactively take responsibility for implementing a healthy rather than harmful way to do so.  In short, this means responding to our broken, hurting hearts with love, understanding and compassion.

Not more harmful behaviours.

To neglect our body, mind or heart is to fail to appreciate or understand their worth or their requirements for healthy working.  

And such neglect leads to unnecessary harm.

Furthermore we must learn to look after our hearts for a failure to do so can also lead to manifestations of illness within the body.

This means we must get over our collective, ‘no feelings please, we’re British’ approach.

Irrespective of age or gender, every one of us has a heart.

It contains feelings we like and feelings we don’t and the more willing we are to learn how to manage the feelings we dislike, the less vulnerable we are to engaging in unhealthy behaviours or at the extreme, addictions.

Feelings matter.

The heart matters.

Our unmet emotional needs matter.

And fortunately we all have access to a God to whom WE matter.

A God who is able and willing to meet our unmet emotional needs both through those around us and through Him direct.

He is equally able to help us to tolerate rather than deny our difficult emotions.

And He is willing. 

Nothing shocks Him. 

Let’s face it, there is literally nothing on this earth that He has not seen!

Will we seek His help in the matters of the heart?

Will we accept professional help when He guides us to do so?

Or will we individually and collectively continue to live our lives in little emotional prisons of our own creation because actually on a heart level, we don’t believe God will help us to have a different experience?

The time has come to wake up and realise that the heart matters.

Retreat, Rest, Reflect

The time to retreat from all was upon me again.

And so it was with excitement that I relinquished my responsibilities to enjoy the freedom of time out.

Leaving at a lusciously leisurely 10.00am on Tuesday, I drove straight to a sea facing establishment that I had pre booked for lunch.

The place, the view, the staff and the food, did not disappoint.

No sooner had I made myself comfortable at the table with the sea stretching out ahead of me, when I noticed a rainbow seemingly rising up from the water.

I always love to be reminded of God’s promises to us.

After conceding defeat to the mash accompanying my winter warming bangers, I took a slow stroll along the sea front and in to the town.

A quick browse around the charity shop resulted in the reward of a white stuff dress for the grand sum of £2.50. Result!

Upon my return walk to the car, I saw yet another rainbow!

After checking out the towns offering, I headed for my sea facing caravan to get settled in before dark.

As promised, I could indeed see the sea from here.

How I relish the chance to indulge in sea staring and rest.

There was even enough light left in the day to check out the beach.

The next day following a relaxing lay in and breakfast, I decided to explore a few towns away along the coast.  Unfortunately, my hoped for walk had been rained off.

In this town amongst all the pretty gift shops I found a cosy pub serving some excellent homemade vegetable soup.  Proper.

I quickly realised that I wasn’t in the mood for shops or crowds though.  Not unusual for me.

When I looked up other sea facing places away from the masses, I discovered a cliff top cafe overlooking the sea.  A quiet one.  Much more my cup of tea.  And  of course cake.

Upon returning to my caravan, I opted for a lazy afternoon nap.  Something I haven’t found much time for in recent weeks!

When I did resurface, I got myself comfortable for a film night.  SO relaxing.

The next day arrived bringing yet more rain.  No walks for me.

Instead, I enjoyed breakfast and coffee on my sofa looking out to sea.

Here I reflected upon the year thus far.

I love having time to step back and survey the big picture.  Examine what has happened in the year to date and think and dream about the year to come.

After a few hours of commitment free time to do just this, I revised my game plan for the day and opted for a local garden centre where the food was highly recommended.

I’m a huge fan of a garden centre; all those beautiful living things as well as the enticement of the gift shops.  This one was top notch.

The cafe had interesting signs on the wall, blankets for those brave enough to sit outside (I wasn’t and only just managed to resist a blanket anyway) and a menu full of proper home cooked food.  No processed rubbish here.

I decided upon a sausage and bean casserole which was suitably filling and appropriate for the wet and windy day.

Next up was a little coffee shop attached to a Hotel.  In here I finished reading my newspaper over a pot of tea with the obligatory sea view.

Having had my fill in every sense, I returned to my accommodation where I packed up my stuff and drove home!

And I still have a few more days to reflect on all before resuming my full responsibilities.

Nice!

The wisdom of the heart

Sometimes life becomes lack lustre.

It is true that we all experience differing seasons.  Some more welcome than others!

But sometimes, it is as if the life blood has been drained from us. 

This may be marked by prolonged difficulty with sleeping, lethargy, fatigue, lack of motivation, low mood, indulging in destructive behaviours and even physical ailments.

Often at this point, medication may be sought to get shot of these pesky and unwanted emotions.

And there is of course a time for medication.

However, all too often, upon careful exploration and investigation, another matter becomes apparent.

That is that the individual experiencing these symptoms is in some type of situation; relationship/employment/group that at best is unhealthy for them. This may even have been going on unnoticed and unchallenged for many years, thus leaving them in the above state.

Whilst the progress of medication is vital, if used to suppress the very emotions that are indicating an issue that needs addressing, all they really achieve is enabling the individual to continue in the very situation that is causing the distress in the first instance.

Unfortunately, what compounds this aside from our obsession with the quick fix, is that we are a culture that puts our trust in the mind and its capacity to think, well above our heart and its capacity to feel. 

But, when the heart is repeatedly left untended it can and does impact every area of life.  The upshot of which can be the type of symptoms I have described above.

As I reflected on this predicament of humanity, I noticed just how difficult it can be for us humans to trust, let alone act upon what our hearts tell us.

As mentioned, our culture dismisses the realm of emotions as if these are just some ridiculous part of ourselves that will simply disappear if we ignore them for long enough.

And so we have developed a personal and collective suspicion over all matters of the heart.  We think that it is to be distrusted, silenced and overruled by the mind.

Of course, it is important to point out that we would indeed be foolish to attempt to live by feelings alone. 

However, we appear to have thrown out the baby with the bath water. 

In doing so we have lost the art of listening to, respecting, discerning and acting upon the wisdom of the heart.

On some level we always know in our hearts what we like and what we don’t. 

Yet, despite this inside information, we often commit ourselves to situations; relationships/employment/whatever that we know in our hearts are wrong for us. 

This does not necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with the person/job/whatever.  They may be phenomenally brilliant. Or not.  But if they are not right for us personally we will know this by the sinking of our heart. 

But sometimes we find it really difficult to admit or acknowledge let alone act on the truth that our heart is revealing. 

At this point, our mind with all its ‘clever’ thoughts may also step in to remind and re-iterate the mantra of our culture; just keep going no matter what the cost and you don’t need to be bothered by the silly business of feelings.

This could be further exacerbated by the chants of the ‘should brigade’.  ‘You should be ok with this, you should try harder, you should be grateful, blah blah blah …. ‘.

And this is how we become stuck in something that is not good for us.

Despite our attempts to quieten the warnings of the heart by distracting ourselves with all manner of doing, it will often awaken us in the dead of the night.  Here, free from distractions, it brings to mind the situation that is not good for us but that we are attempting to ignore.

If we still dismiss the warnings of the heart, over time, we may become more and more unwell, mentally and physically.  A case of the writing is on the body.

And yet still we may endure our situations.

We may struggle to reconcile the discrepancy between what we wish for with the lived experience of the situation.

We just want it to be different and it may be too painful to see that it is not and cannot be.

Fear and doubt may crowd in on us to stifle, shut down and silence these deepest longings of our heart.  They may whisper to us that we will not be able to have that which we most authentically long for.  And that we must make do with that which is making us unwell.

Sometimes, it is even a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of scripture that keeps folk bound in situations that are harmful for them.

Whatever the reason, when the wisdom of the heart is ignored repeatedly, we get stuck doing the same thing that is getting us the same result.

To choose, whether actively or passively, to stay in any situation that is harmful to us, is a form of self harm.

Somehow this seems to be in keeping with the culture of stiff upper lipping it out and being ‘strong’. 

As if it is a sign of superiority to ignore the body’s own warning system that there is a problem that needs tending to.

Or as if it is super spiritual to suffer unnecessarily.

How much of our lives do we end up wasting in situations that do not fit us let alone allow us to grow or thrive?  And how often do these situations actually cause us to become diminished in some way?

Maybe through fear of what others would think if we left the situation or fear about where we think we should be especially at certain ages and stages of life.

And yet, if we can face in to our own truths, to the deepest desires of our heart and pursue these with integrity, commitment and support, we can discover and create a life that we actually want to live. 

At which point, we can expect to see the return of our energy, motivation and drive, improved sleep and health, renewed enthusiasm and the recovery of our get up and go.

The heart knows.

We would do well to pay attention to it.

Life is way too short and far too fragile to commit any serious amount of it to anything that destroys its quality.