Emotional Health - Life is calling

Living & Forgiving

Recently I have given a lot of thought to the subject of forgiveness, in preparations for various teaching workshops.

Whilst I have often heard forgiveness talked about as if it is a simple one off choice, the reality is often more complex.

What many do not realise is that forgiveness is not an act of superficiality.

Over the years my heart has always sunk whenever I have heard this whole, ‘just forgive’ and everything is ok mantra.

It suggests in a flippant manner that this is easy.

Personally I am not convinced that Jesus agreed as he hung there on that cross.

We all encounter the simple day to day stuff where we can easily irritate and disappoint one another despite the best will not to. And it is important to let go of these as we go along. A collection of grudges is never going to benefit anyone!

But in the more complex areas of injustice and trauma, forgiveness is more of a process.

It certainly starts by making an intellectual choice to forgive, whether someone else; dead or alive, or yourself (preferably whilst still alive!).

But if it also ends there, we are reinforcing any existing disconnect between head and heart.

I think that forgiveness is a threefold business.

First we exercise our free will by making an intellectual choice to forgive.

Then secondly, we can ask Jesus for help to practice forgiveness in real terms in real life as well as to help us spiritually. Let’s face it, He totally has the monopoly on this forgiveness thing given His whole cross experience along with His ongoing love for us.

Or even, if we are struggling to choose to forgive intellectually, we can ask Jesus for help with that too.

But the third more tricky and timely bit is dealing with all the painful emotions of the heart that allow us to experience a heart rather than head only, level of forgiveness.

Most people simply skip this bit or pretend it is not necessary. A bypass of which will often lead to other problematic behaviours or physical ailments. But we all have free will and can exercise it how we wish whether passively or actively.

Thus, in order to experience the freedom that accompanies the giving of a heart level of forgiveness, we have to actually experience, own, acknowledge and work through all the painful feelings that we have about the matter we are attempting to forgive.

Depending on the depth or breadth of the original wound, there may also be a need for professional intervention. This is no different to our physical health.

Typically a process of forgiveness involves a process of mourning for whatever losses are attached to the matter needing to be forgiven.

A refusal to engage with this, impacts us.

Not the one you are attempting to forgive, but us.

An inability to give forgiveness to another is to hold on to unforgiveness ourselves.

And that costs.

It is complex but possible to forgive.

To clarify what I mean by forgiveness, I am talking about letting go of all the painful feelings that naturally accompany painful experiences of others.

What I do NOT mean by forgiveness, is that what happened does not matter.

It matters.

You matter.

Your experience of it matters.

Any lasting impact matters.

It equally does not mean that you need to deny or diminish your true experience.

It also does not mean that you will automatically always continue a relationship with said person.

It even does not mean that it is not right and necessary in some cases to involve the appropriate authorities.

Forgiveness is often a complex and lengthy process that may need repeating.

It is certainly way too huge a subject to do any real justice to in a piece this short.

But in short, when we do not or cannot forgive another, it costs us to hold on to those painful feelings. So whilst it also costs us the pain of going through the process on a heart level to forgive another, it costs us more to avoid doing so.

We don’t have to settle for a superficial intellect only level of forgiveness when a deeper heart level is possible.

But at times we may need professional help to achieve this.

That we may continue to whole heartedly live, learn, love, forgive, be forgiven and repeat!

The heart of the matter

At various points over the years I’ve had a heavy heart every time I’ve heard the realm of emotions demonised within Christian arenas.

I’m encouraged by the new level of receptivity in recent years, but we still have a long way to go.

God gave each of us a heart and I believe He wants us to live with our hearts open to what life has to offer. Whilst also exercising wisdom and discernment in the face of avoidable pain.

But if we avoid the heart by focusing on the spiritual alone, the physical, mental and emotional do not cease to exist or cease to be adversely impacted through cumulative neglect.

I was reminded of this recently when I attended a training day delivered by a fellow Christian and member of BACP. This individual specialises in working with those struggling with addictions in sex, porn and love.

In the simplest form, the root cause of these addictions is an inability to tolerate painful emotions combined with genuine unmet emotional needs. This is further exacerbated by the experience of trauma especially when it occurs during the formative years.

Basically, exactly the same as what drives every other type of addiction or unhealthy behaviour whether around food, drink, drugs, sex, porn, spending, gambling, over work or the more blatant and physical self harm of cutting, burning etc.

But whichever way you look at it, the above are all forms of self harm.

And yet the most important commandment in the bible is still to love the lord your God and love your neighbour as YOURSELF.

It is ironic that our failure to learn how to love ourselves when we hurt can result in us hurting ourselves even more.

The above behaviours which we all fall victim to in various ways are a form of communication that as a society we just haven’t learned how to look after our hearts.

We have not learned how to love or comfort or sooth ourselves when we get hurt. And as we cannot go through life without getting hurt unless we shut our hearts down, which isn’t living, this is pretty important.

Unmet emotional needs drive all our dysfunctions, insecurities, fears and harmful behaviours.

Yet this stuff can be learned.

We all have to learn how to proactively look after our physical health. We understand that we need certain conditions starting from birth for our physical bodies to grow up and mature in as healthy a way as possible. We can’t choose our DNA but we can choose whether to look after our body’s in a healthy or harmful way.

In the same vein, none of us can choose the family we are born in to or the surrounding culture but we can each choose to proactively create the required conditions that facilitate our hearts as well as our minds growing in to maturity. This doesn’t just happen. We have to proactively take responsibility for implementing a healthy rather than harmful way to do so. In short, this means responding to our broken, hurting hearts with love, understanding and compassion.

Not more harmful behaviours.

To neglect our body, mind or heart is to fail to appreciate or understand their worth or their requirements for healthy working.

And such neglect leads to unnecessary harm.

Furthermore we must learn to look after our hearts for a failure to do so can also lead to manifestations of illness within the body.

This means we must get over our collective, ‘no feelings please, we’re British’ approach.

Irrespective of age or gender, every one of us has a heart.

It contains feelings we like and feelings we don’t and the more willing we are to learn how to manage the feelings we dislike, the less vulnerable we are to engaging in unhealthy behaviours or at the extreme, addictions.

Feelings matter.

The heart matters.

Our unmet emotional needs matter.

And fortunately we all have access to a God to whom WE matter.

A God who is able and willing to meet our unmet emotional needs both through those around us and through Him direct.

He is equally able to help us to tolerate rather than deny our difficult emotions.

And He is willing.

Nothing shocks Him.

Let’s face it, there is literally nothing on this earth that He has not seen!

Will we seek His help in the matters of the heart?

Will we accept professional help when He guides us to do so?

Or will we individually and collectively continue to live our lives in little emotional prisons of our own creation because actually on a heart level, we don’t believe God will help us to have a different experience?

The time has come to wake up and realise that the heart matters.

Retreat, Rest, Reflect

The time to retreat from all was upon me again.

And so it was with excitement that I relinquished my responsibilities to enjoy the freedom of time out.

Leaving at a lusciously leisurely 10.00am on Tuesday, I drove straight to a sea facing establishment that I had pre booked for lunch.

The place, the view, the staff and the food, did not disappoint.

No sooner had I made myself comfortable at the table with the sea stretching out ahead of me, when I noticed a rainbow seemingly rising up from the water.

I always love to be reminded of God’s promises to us.

After conceding defeat to the mash accompanying my winter warming bangers, I took a slow stroll along the sea front and in to the town.

A quick browse around the charity shop resulted in the reward of a white stuff dress for the grand sum of £2.50. Result!

Upon my return walk to the car, I saw yet another rainbow!

After checking out the towns offering, I headed for my sea facing caravan to get settled in before dark.

As promised, I could indeed see the sea from here.

How I relish the chance to indulge in sea staring and rest.

There was even enough light left in the day to check out the beach.

The next day following a relaxing lay in and breakfast, I decided to explore a few towns away along the coast. Unfortunately, my hoped for walk had been rained off.

In this town amongst all the pretty gift shops I found a cosy pub serving some excellent homemade vegetable soup. Proper.

I quickly realised that I wasn’t in the mood for shops or crowds though. Not unusual for me.

When I looked up other sea facing places away from the masses, I discovered a cliff top cafe overlooking the sea. A quiet one. Much more my cup of tea. And of course cake.

Upon returning to my caravan, I opted for a lazy afternoon nap. Something I haven’t found much time for in recent weeks!

When I did resurface, I got myself comfortable for a film night. SO relaxing.

The next day arrived bringing yet more rain. No walks for me.

Instead, I enjoyed breakfast and coffee on my sofa looking out to sea.

Here I reflected upon the year thus far.

I love having time to step back and survey the big picture. Examine what has happened in the year to date and think and dream about the year to come.

After a few hours of commitment free time to do just this, I revised my game plan for the day and opted for a local garden centre where the food was highly recommended.

I’m a huge fan of a garden centre; all those beautiful living things as well as the enticement of the gift shops. This one was top notch.

The cafe had interesting signs on the wall, blankets for those brave enough to sit outside (I wasn’t and only just managed to resist a blanket anyway) and a menu full of proper home cooked food. No processed rubbish here.

I decided upon a sausage and bean casserole which was suitably filling and appropriate for the wet and windy day.

Next up was a little coffee shop attached to a Hotel. In here I finished reading my newspaper over a pot of tea with the obligatory sea view.

Having had my fill in every sense, I returned to my accommodation where I packed up my stuff and drove home!

And I still have a few more days to reflect on all before resuming my full responsibilities.

Nice!

The wisdom of the heart

Sometimes life becomes lack lustre.

It is true that we all experience differing seasons. Some more welcome than others!

But sometimes, it is as if the life blood has been drained from us.

This may be marked by prolonged difficulty with sleeping, lethargy, fatigue, lack of motivation, low mood, indulging in destructive behaviours and even physical ailments.

Often at this point, medication may be sought to get shot of these pesky and unwanted emotions.

And there is of course a time for medication.

However, all too often, upon careful exploration and investigation, another matter becomes apparent.

That is that the individual experiencing these symptoms is in some type of situation; relationship/employment/group that at best is unhealthy for them. This may even have been going on unnoticed and unchallenged for many years, thus leaving them in the above state.

Whilst the progress of medication is vital, if used to suppress the very emotions that are indicating an issue that needs addressing, all they really achieve is enabling the individual to continue in the very situation that is causing the distress in the first instance.

Unfortunately, what compounds this aside from our obsession with the quick fix, is that we are a culture that puts our trust in the mind and its capacity to think, well above our heart and its capacity to feel.

But, when the heart is repeatedly left untended it can and does impact every area of life. The upshot of which can be the type of symptoms I have described above.

As I reflected on this predicament of humanity, I noticed just how difficult it can be for us humans to trust, let alone act upon what our hearts tell us.

As mentioned, our culture dismisses the realm of emotions as if these are just some ridiculous part of ourselves that will simply disappear if we ignore them for long enough.

And so we have developed a personal and collective suspicion over all matters of the heart. We think that it is to be distrusted, silenced and overruled by the mind.

Of course, it is important to point out that we would indeed be foolish to attempt to live by feelings alone.

However, we appear to have thrown out the baby with the bath water.

In doing so we have lost the art of listening to, respecting, discerning and acting upon the wisdom of the heart.

On some level we always know in our hearts what we like and what we don’t.

Yet, despite this inside information, we often commit ourselves to situations; relationships/employment/whatever that we know in our hearts are wrong for us.

This does not necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with the person/job/whatever. They may be phenomenally brilliant. Or not. But if they are not right for us personally we will know this by the sinking of our heart.

But sometimes we find it really difficult to admit or acknowledge let alone act on the truth that our heart is revealing.

At this point, our mind with all its ‘clever’ thoughts may also step in to remind and re-iterate the mantra of our culture; just keep going no matter what the cost and you don’t need to be bothered by the silly business of feelings.

This could be further exacerbated by the chants of the ‘should brigade’. ‘You should be ok with this, you should try harder, you should be grateful, blah blah blah …. ‘.

And this is how we become stuck in something that is not good for us.

Despite our attempts to quieten the warnings of the heart by distracting ourselves with all manner of doing, it will often awaken us in the dead of the night. Here, free from distractions, it brings to mind the situation that is not good for us but that we are attempting to ignore.

If we still dismiss the warnings of the heart, over time, we may become more and more unwell, mentally and physically. A case of the writing is on the body.

And yet still we may endure our situations.

We may struggle to reconcile the discrepancy between what we wish for with the lived experience of the situation.

We just want it to be different and it may be too painful to see that it is not and cannot be.

Fear and doubt may crowd in on us to stifle, shut down and silence these deepest longings of our heart. They may whisper to us that we will not be able to have that which we most authentically long for. And that we must make do with that which is making us unwell.

Sometimes, it is even a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of scripture that keeps folk bound in situations that are harmful for them.

Whatever the reason, when the wisdom of the heart is ignored repeatedly, we get stuck doing the same thing that is getting us the same result.

To choose, whether actively or passively, to stay in any situation that is harmful to us, is a form of self harm.

Somehow this seems to be in keeping with the culture of stiff upper lipping it out and being ‘strong’.

As if it is a sign of superiority to ignore the body’s own warning system that there is a problem that needs tending to.

Or as if it is super spiritual to suffer unnecessarily.

How much of our lives do we end up wasting in situations that do not fit us let alone allow us to grow or thrive? And how often do these situations actually cause us to become diminished in some way?

Maybe through fear of what others would think if we left the situation or fear about where we think we should be especially at certain ages and stages of life.

And yet, if we can face in to our own truths, to the deepest desires of our heart and pursue these with integrity, commitment and support, we can discover and create a life that we actually want to live.

At which point, we can expect to see the return of our energy, motivation and drive, improved sleep and health, renewed enthusiasm and the recovery of our get up and go.

The heart knows.

We would do well to pay attention to it.

Life is way too short and far too fragile to commit any serious amount of it to anything that destroys its quality.

What do you believe?

The subject of belief has repeatedly appeared in my orbit in recent weeks.

I am referring here to what we believe deep down about ourselves, others, life and God.

I have discovered that there are usually at least two layers to this.

The top layer is those beliefs that we profess with our words.

The second, deeper and at times unconscious layer, is what we profess with our actions.

Whilst we may say we believe one thing, our emotions and subsequently our actions will usually expose any discrepancy with what we believe deep down.

These beliefs can also change, particularly in the face of challenging circumstances.

This subject initially came up in relation to my work and the way in which what an individual believes, directly impacts what they feel and thus what they do.

As soon as this was flagged up to me, it started to stand out as I listened to the narrative of various people.

What we believe tends to become our reality.

Or it may be that we become unable to see, let alone take active steps towards something that we do not believe to be possible.

In fact, I was recently challenged to examine my own beliefs regarding a personal situation. As I did so, I realised that a certain set of circumstances had left me particularly vulnerable. The result of which was that my faulty old belief system had effectively been reactivated.

Prior to noticing this, my experience was becoming more and more in line with the expectations associated with my old belief system.

This was not a good thing.

Never underestimate the value of people who will tell you that which you may not want to hear. When true, the sense of liberation usually outweighs the pain.

And, by noticing what is tantamount to a weak spot within my boundaries, I could begin to strengthen this area by addressing the reactivated faulty beliefs about God and myself. I also realised the need to reconsider and readjust certain boundaries for certain situations. I could also understand, legitimise and process the real and valid emotions that accompanied the triggering set of circumstances.

As I reflected on the power of our beliefs to transform our experience for better or worse, I was reminded of the importance of identifying personal weak spots. These are the areas that typically took some kind of major hit during our formative years, consequently leaving us with faulty beliefs about God or self.

We can and must work through the pain of the original experiences that created any faulty beliefs, as well as correcting these beliefs.

But, we still need to recognise that if this vulnerable area takes a big hit, it may reactivate the original faulty beliefs thus highlighting that more work is required to strengthen the weak spots.

This is not dissimilar to when you’ve broken a limb and may subsequently be left with a weak area about which you need to take extra care if not wishing to reactivate the original break.

All of which highlights the need for the ongoing business of knowing thyself as well as knowing thy God.

We must make time to monitor not only what is happening externally within our lives but also what is happening internally in response.

And be willing to re-examine what we believe just in case any untrue, faulty beliefs have snuck in through a weak spot. Left unidentified, these could de-rail us.

Most of all, we must check whether we really believe that God Almighty is still God Almighty irrespective of whatever circumstances stand before us, from the slightly stressful to the life threatening.

Will we continue to believe He is who He says He is?

I know that in my own life, if I really did believe this at all times, my life could look remarkably different!

An ongoing challenge for us all to examine, re-examine and attempt to live out that which we profess to believe with our words!

Living with Loss

As I reflect back on my two week summer break I can see things a little clearer.

Firstly, I had been limping along toward that break for quite some time. I’d experienced some fresh issues of loss, which had triggered other losses, both of which required my attention. Neither of which got it. Instead, I had fallen in to the trap of pushing it to one side to join my pile of ‘stuff’ to be dealt with at some unallocated futuristic date.

Mistake.

Consequently, my failure to turn around and face those losses square on resulted in them doing the jack in the box thing. I noticed them, I felt them, I used much energy to shove them back down and keep going with all the things that had to be done. But not only did they not go away, they continued to pop back up, lingering in the background as a subtle underlying presence throughout.

And so, when I finally arrived at the much longed for break that I was so desperate for, instead of being greeted with a big fat joy filled holiday high, there was my unprocessed grief.

The very same grief that I had deluded myself in to thinking I could simply skip over without consequence.

Even though I know this stuff!

I didn’t recognise it at the time though.

I wondered why I was feeling rubbish when the sun was shining, the sea was shimmering and all responsibilities were well out of sight. I felt like my soul was out of sync with my surroundings.

As I was feeling a way that I didn’t want to feel, I tried hard not to feel the way that I didn’t want to feel.

And ended up feeling it even more!

Subsequently, I sought out some quieter spots from which to simply stare out to the great blue sea. It was hard to spot where the great expanse of sea ended and the sky began. But I found this sea/sky gazing super soothing.

As was the luxury of time to read the book that I never made it to book club to read or discuss. What an inspiring, amusing and overall uplifting book to indulge in.

I was also able to take immense pleasure from indulging in the most enormous cream tea I have ever laid my eyes let alone my chops on. I was most disheartened to be unable to manage all the cream. Obviously I wasn’t 100%.

The mornings saw me resisting the call of the beach for running. Instead I chose to linger in bed for as long as I could without missing breakfast. I equally relished the chance to get back in to bed early each night too. A treat indeed.

I took leisurely daily walks to the neighbouring beaches complete with drink and newspaper reading breaks en route.

As I reflect back on my experience, I can see that in the run up to the break I had dismissed my feelings for tiredness and in need of a break-ness. But of course, this assessment of the situation fell flat on its face when the break arrived and this limping feeling sharpened rather than dissipated.

And that is the down side of the increased phases where grief is not so present. I forget what it feels like. Just like when a physical problem arises then when it’s healed you forget all about it. I had enjoyed long enough without the grief to forget what it felt like. I had been too busy enjoying life to even want to spot the grief returning. Again.

Plus, after several months of feeling content, to suddenly feel that creeping sadness, felt worse than when the sadness was a regular feature.

I hate grief.

Or rather, I hate that when I fail to recognise and respond to it, I begin to lose my joy.

I especially hate being on holiday minus my joy. And this holiday most definitely did not qualify for my most light hearted or jovial of coastal retreats!

Yet as I reflect, I realise that whilst I was disappointed to be accompanied by my grief on holiday, it also forced me to slow down and have the break that I needed if not the break that I wanted.

Post holiday as I acknowledged the grip of my grief, I was able to speak to those that I needed to help me to bear it.

Following a week that provided a banquet of friendship and nourishment that went far beyond my body and supported me to release the backlog of unshed tears, I gradually began to recover my mojo.

Halleluyah!

It seems so clear to me now that every time I try to ignore my grief, I succeed only in prolonging my suffering, delaying my healing and interrupting the flow of joy.

Maybe next time I’ll deal with my sorrows as they arise rather than postpone them until the holidays!

Then again, maybe I’ll need reminding again!

Animal attraction

I love animals.

Well, let me clarify. I wouldn’t love it if a hungry bear was bounding towards me with ‘You’re my supper’ written in the glint of its eye.

But, generally speaking, I love and am fascinated by animals even if some require more distance than others.

Recently, I’ve been enjoying the series on BBC 1 called Serengeti. It follows the lives, loves and losses of various animal groups from baboons to zebra’s to wild dogs to elephants and many more.

I absolutely love to watch the animal kingdom navigating its way through the ups and downs of the seasons of life and nature.

The background music and narrative are at times a little cringeville but the group dynamics are mesmerising. They are remarkably similar to our own. Whether the existence of leaders who are out for themselves versus leaders that put themselves out for the group or the rejections, betrayals and reconciliations between family members, the premature deaths that remind all of the fragility of life, the separation process when animals grow up, the victory and defeats between rival groups competing for the same meal and even the love bonds that form between unrelated group members’.

The entire range of life events and emotions are played out between these groups. Whilst it is a dog eat gazelle kind of a world, with one group surviving at the cost of loss to another, there are also deep displays of tenderness, love and even sharing between competing groups, in times of plenty.

There was one scene where the body of a dead elephant provided food for many. Whilst enjoying such abundance, the usual rules were laid aside to allow natural enemies to feast side by side.

I’m so struck by the parallels between the animal and human kingdoms. These species highlight the need to belong to a group, not only to survive but also to fulfil their reasons for living. Something that simply cannot be done alone.

A little closer to home, I am enamoured by the animals that we have trained to become our house companions, for it is these that have the most profound experiential effect on our lives and our health.

I’ve been drawn to animals since I was a small child who used to happily while away numerous hours outside with our pet rabbits.

There is something so simple, raw and honest about the connection between a human and an animal. It’s instinctive, wordless and cannot be forced. But when the bond is there and allowed to develop, I believe it can have a profound impact on both.

Animals offer us unconditional, judgement-free, affectionate love.

They don’t care what shape, size, colour, nationality, faith, occupation or social standing we hold or aspire to.

They just love us.

Amazing!

I’ve always been incredibly moved by the stories I’ve read or heard about relationships between humans and animals. Nearly always there is an imparting of healing that appears to reach a deeper part of us than our fellow humans.

Recently, I’ve read about three life enhancing experiences resulting from the relationship between a human and an animal.

First off was the connection between a travel writer (whose name escapes me) and his pet goose. Or was it a duck? Either way their relationship spanned many years and this vocab free companion provided a presence like no other in the life of the writer. The grief that accompanied the passing of this animal was not something that could have been predicted or suppressed.

Secondly, I read of a military person struggling with a diagnosis of PTSD who literally stumbled upon a small puppy in the midst of an abandoned warzone. The relationship that developed was life saving for both. The trust and affection that this animal gave to this human provided a love that made his life worth living.

The third article was about a vegan who adopted a pig found wandering the streets. Said pig became a regular fixture on the sofa of said rescuer and her husband! So endearing! I mean, who doesn’t love Babe right?

I’ve heard so many stories about how the power of the wordless love of an animal has bought hope and healing to many a heart. Or even of pet dogs who have highlighted cancer within their owners, thus allowing them to get treatment as well as supporting them through their recovery.

Or the story of A Street Cat Named Bob who empowered the man who found him to turn his life around from homeless drug addict to a man able to enjoy making his contribution to life.

And of course there are many, many ways in which dogs support and care for us humans whether dogs for the blinds, dogs to support children with autism, equine therapy, dogs or even horses taken in to hospitals or nursing homes or supporting police in their work.

The list goes on and on.

I think that animals are absolutely amazing.

And the attraction and relationship between us is a gift of the highest order.

Not only can they enhance the quality of our lives but they equally play a significant role in sustaining our mental and emotional health. Possibly because they can’t speak! They simply offer us their presence.

When it comes to the healing of our hearts, more often than not, we don’t need clever words, solutions or attempts to fix something. We often long for a wordless, unconditional, judgement-free, affectionate presence of love, within which we can begin to heal.

Pets are profound in their ability to reach us with their eyes and their presence, both when and where we need to be reached.

What a gift!

Sleepwalking

I’ve read a few interesting articles about the above recently.

Apparently, some people eat vast amounts of food whilst sound asleep. Other people rack up bills online through sleep shopping. Both acknowledge the presence of stress as a precursor to such behaviours.

I find this a fascinating phenomenon.

Whilst I can’t pretend to fully comprehend it, I do know that we all manifest our internal distress in different ways. For a relatively small proportion, this is expressed via nocturnal activities undertaken whilst fully asleep and thus unable to control.

But there is another form of sleepwalking which is within our control and which appears to impact the masses.

In addition to said articles, this other form of sleepwalking has recently been bought to my attention through the experience of those I listen to. And I am aware that such experiences are prevalent.

What I am referring to is when an individual begins to realise that they have been sleepwalking their way through life. As in, during their waking hours! Not really living, not fully connected, not necessarily aware of the subtle choices they are making and generally existing in a state akin to sleepwalking.

Such a realisation often arises following the arrival of some kind of crap bomb within an individuals’ life. The type that disrupts every part of the life preceding it, evoking great concern as to how their previously ‘comfortable’ life could have fallen prey to aforementioned crap bomb.

When such an individual seeks therapy at this point, we begin to examine and explore their previously unexamined minds, hearts and lives.

What usually follows is that the previously denied parts of the heart and mind, aka the most uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, now have the space to surface, be explored and made sense of.

These explorations usually bring a new level of awareness and understanding about themselves and their lives. This gradually facilitates a reconnection to the whole of their heart as it effectively becomes rewired, bringing with it a renewed capacity for aliveness. Heart, mind and spirit become resuscitated and rejuvenated.

The more they are able to own and process what they previously could not, the more they become able to enter in to, engage with and enjoy the reality of actively and proactively making life choices about their present and future.

The renewed experience of enlivened wakefulness facilitated by this reconnection, then highlights the time lost within a deepening disconnect that left the waking sleepwalker in a state of deadness or numbness.

Such revelations usually bring regret for the realisation of the loss that cannot be recovered.

Painful as these insights can be, they are an unavoidable part of switching from sleep walking to actively leading a fully connected, wakeful life.

All too often it takes the arrival of the crap bomb to shock and awaken someone to the reality that they are sleep walking their way through life.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

We all have a choice.

One that is worth activating before the crap bomb descends.

Although, often people tell me that the very worst experiences in their lives are the ones for which in retrospect, they are most grateful. For these experiences enabled them to see what they had previously become blind to. And at this point, the life that had been reduced to an existence, endurance and survival, becomes ready to change in to a life of active, conscious and connected choices, typically accompanied by a renewed capacity for gratitude.

Whilst the losses must be worked through, what follows is a renewed enthusiasm and energy for reconnection, reclaiming and recreating a life that they actually want to live and remain awake within.

This signals the end of the years of sleep walking and the start of their wakeful living.

Unlike those who unwittingly undertake activities whilst physically asleep, those who are emotionally and spiritually sleepwalking whilst awake, do have a choice for change.

And, it’s not only via the crap bomb that such revelations can occur.

Last week someone was sharing how their entry to retirement has facilitated the necessary time, space and energy to reflect and notice that which previously gone unnoticed.

In their case, they realised that they had been sleepwalking their way through their working life. Where they had been going through the motions on autopilot, they were now reclaiming their capacity to become and remain connected to themselves, others and the world around them. Their quality of life and wakeful living had subsequently improved.

None of us are beyond falling in to a state of sleepwalking during our waking or working lives.

But the key is to prioritise proactively making the time and space to step back from all that distracts and occupies us, to review and reassess where we are, how we are and what and how we are doing this thing called life.

We can’t make, let alone implement choices for change if we are yet to notice that we are sleepwalking instead of wakeful living.

We must first be willing to notice, to see and to respond appropriately including seeking help when necessary.

Life is way too precious for us to allow it to be stolen from under us without us even noticing.

Once fallen prey to the subtle but life stealing way of sleepwalking it often turns weeks in to months, months in to years and years in to a lifetime.

There really is no need to wait for something terrible to shock you out of your reverie, or for a retirement that may never come.

We don’t get another shot.

This is it.

Here and now.

Are you awake?

Different types of Hope

As I’ve listened to people recently, my attention has been drawn to the different types of hope that we experience.

What I have noticed is that there is a hope that something or someone will become what we would like it, or them, to be.

This is a hope that leaves us hope-full.

When full of such hope we are able to take the risk of engaging with new people/activities/places.

This hope literally fuels our ability to continue participating in life; having a go, taking risks, accepting opportunities without knowing the outcome and ultimately, continuing to live.

The more we utilise our hope in this way, the more we learn that even when things do not evolve in the way we had hoped, we still learn and grow. This knowledge allows us to retain the necessary hope to continue engaging with what life has to offer despite the inevitable disappointments.

We know that we win some and we lose some but either way, we refuse to stop playing this great game of life.

This hope could be called healthy but realistic.

Quite simply, this hope enables us to continue living, learning and loving.

This hope keeps us alive.

But there is another kind of hope that does quite the opposite.

This other type of hope is based on the desire for someone, something or some place that used to be life giving and enhancing but no longer is, to return to being so.

This is a hope that if left unfulfilled for prolonged periods, can leave us hope-less.

The longer we remain with someone, something or some place that renders us stuck in a cycle of hope followed by disappointment, the more hope-less we become as our hope is literally drained from us.

In turn, the less hope we are left with, the less empowered we become to take the risk of seeking that which we need, elsewhere.

We may instead become stuck to the very person/place/thing that is draining us of the hope required to keep engaging with the healthy changes that life offers.

Consequently we may begin to disengage from our hope-lessness and even from life itself.

We may cease to really live, learn or love.

This hope could be called misplaced or a false hope.

It is a hope that torments us leaving us unwell.

Fortunately, should we find ourselves in such a horrendous position, there is a God in whom we can always place our hope.

For He is the God we can go to again and again and in whom we will find the necessary hope, strength, courage and support to face and address any situation that is stealing our hope.

That is a true hope.

Love and anger

Whilst these two make an unlikely partnership, I find them both equally fascinating. As I do the relationship between them.

They are universal emotions that we all experience to more or lesser degrees. Hopefully more of the love than the anger but either way, they are two of the most powerful and enlivening emotions.

I’ve been thinking about them more closely recently as I facilitated a teaching on anger a few weeks ago and I’ll be teaching on love, this weekend.

As such, I’ve been paying more attention to both than usual.

It has reminded me that what I regularly see through my work is how the human difficulty in acknowledging let alone tolerating, valuing or understanding anger, can serve as a barrier to the flow of love.

I’ve seen this again and again.

The person who cannot even speak to another such is their suppressed anger towards them. Yet after allowing said anger to be felt, expressed and released in a healthy, contained way, they realise that their ability to see, speak and listen to said person has been restored!

Now, I’m not suggesting that deeply entrenched, complicated matters can be so simplistic but I am saying that unacknowledged, unprocessed, un dealt with anger does block love.

This applies whether it is anger to another, anger to the self or even anger to God.

Whilst anger is a healthy and important emotion that points to where our boundaries have been broken, an injustice has been experienced or an unmet need requires a response, if we don’t acknowledge this honestly, it will seep out indirectly as well as harming us to hold it within.

Anger is a such a necessary emotion but if we hold on to it, it prevents us from fully loving the one it is felt towards, be it, us, another or God.

It blocks love.

It is as if you cannot have love and anger travelling down the same heart lines at the same time. We can feel love and we can feel anger but we cannot have both flowing through our hearts together. Like oil and water, they are not compatible. They cannot mix.

And if we fail to deal with and release our anger in appropriate ways, it acts as a barrier to the flow of love.

Yet when we examine, explore and expunge our anger, the heart becomes free once more for love to flow forth. The degree to which the love flows is directly linked to the degree to which we deal with all those horrible love blocking feelings, of which anger is the most powerful.

And if love is the most precious thing any of us can ever receive or give, doesn’t that make anger, as its biggest threat, worthy of our acknowledgement and attention?

I was recently reminded of the power of anger to block love.

An ongoing, minor, yet irritating situation has evoked a strong sense of injustice and anger within me. The effect of which was a total block of love and an uprising of angry words that I wasn’t proud to be spitting out. I was experiencing how powerfully anger can arise, wiping out any kind of loving thoughts or actions in the process. Whilst I had to deal with what was triggered within me, it was a timely reminder that whilst holding on to that anger, I could not also house love.

I needed to make a choice.

Hold on to what I felt to be justified anger, causing myself to behave in a way even I disliked and was taken aback by, or actually acknowledge it, work through it and make a choice to let it go.

What I couldn’t do, was pretend it wasn’t there and fill up with, let alone share, love!

Whilst the anger had a hold, the love couldn’t get a look in!

And whilst I’m all too aware of the unavoidable experience of and necessity for anger, I have no desire to hold on to this at the cost of losing that flow of love.

I’ve tasted both and I know which I prefer!

It’s just that sometimes I need reminding that I have a choice.

Otherwise I fall in to the trap of unthinkingly reacting badly to what I experience to be inconsiderate behaviour from another. Whilst I’m not willing to be anyone’s doormat, I can’t respect myself if I use an annoying experience of another to excuse my own poor response. And of course responding badly fuels and invites more of the same.

And I guess that’s the thing, whilst all kinds of stuff, serious and inconsequential will come at us in life, we get only to choose how we will respond.

Will we add more anger and horribleness in to anger inducing situations or will we acknowledge our honest emotions, let them go, be filled with love once more that we can send that back in whatever way is appropriate whether actions, or prayers from a distance.

My first reaction in this recent situation wasn’t one I’m proud of. But then God did that thing He does. He reminded me that I was preparing a teaching on love and I might like to reflect on how loving my own behaviour was!

I kind of love and hate that He does that! Because as uncomfortable as it is to admit to my own poor behaviour, it is also liberating to own, acknowledge and choose how to deal with it. In doing so, I can choose not to allow it to fester to my detriment and not to continue the cycle.

Anger requires dealing with promptly.

Life is too short to hold on to anything that blocks love.