Category: Emotional Health

Endings are inevitable, managing our response to endings, is learnable

This week has been full of endings for many around me. Even last night while being served at my favourite cheap arse supermarket, I found myself engaged in a conversation about endings. The lovely lady serving me was clearly thrilled that she only had a few shifts to go before ending her employment there.

She described having a moment where it hit her that she didn’t have to stay there – she had a choice. And when she told me that she had resigned, her eyes shone with excitement at what she had chosen. Apparently, she had an almost brand spanking new grandchild as part of her family. We didn’t delve into her circumstances but I’m guessing she’d rather be with those she loves than with those of us who favour late night crowd avoiding shopping! Who could blame her?!

I was impressed that she had the courage of her convictions. She chose to act upon the freedom that was clearly calling her, without delay. Perhaps this is where some of us go wrong. We hesitate enough to get stuck in over thinking mode. This lady had the revelation, took action to make it a reality and positively glowed at what she was creating. Hats off to her I say.

All too often, we can all be guilty of claiming we don’t have the choice to do things we want to. It’s almost as if we believe life must be super hard otherwise we’re cheating in some way! Culture has a lot to answer for! But remains within our power to recognise and update.

This week I have another friend who had also resigned from her job. With new little grandchildren in the family, her priorities had changed.

Another friend had their employment ended via redundancy. They were wrestling with whether they could allow themselves to enjoy this once in thirty years opportunity for a work free summer. Or whether they had to give in to the powerful pull to immediately tie themselves down to another job. Having had the foresight to plan well many years prior, the choice to take time out was real. Yet it still posed a challenge to grant herself permission to accept it.

I was reminded of a quote I read once that said something about how the universe often gives us a gift but instead of accepting and enjoying it, we look for ways to give it back. Crazy but can be true.

Yet another friend was in a dilemma over whether to reduce time in a loved job in favour of increased time with their loved little people.

Life is everchanging.

Endings are inevitable, some of our own making and others not. Yet we can choose how we respond to and manage the emotions that these endings evoke whether chosen or otherwise.

Even the endings we plan or long for can be hard. And they can bring up feelings about previous endings too. But in time, any transition leads to a new beginning. The trick is to be extra kind, patient and gentle with ourselves in the face of endings, change and all the emotions these stir up. Like everything else in life, feelings come and feelings go. We just need to learn how to experience and manage these without numbing out or cutting off from our own hearts and all that they hold. For it is these that give us our sense of aliveness, whether through pain or pleasure.

Life does not stand still. We choose, actively or passively whether we move with it or resist it. It certainly keeps things interesting albeit sometimes in ways we like and sometimes not.

On my way to greet a client, I noticed the remains of a rodent who had obviously come to an abrupt ending at the claws and teeth of my feline. None of us know when we will come to our own ending. So it can be wise where possible to choose what we want to end, continue or change.

There is so much out there now around the role and importance of movement in maintaining our mental health. To strengthen our mind to body connection, we do need to move (pardon the pun) from intellectualisation to inhabiting our physical body through movement.

One of the simplest ways to re-connect the mind to the body is through walking. We are very fortunate to have many beautiful places in Arlesey to walk amongst the wonders of wildlife.

One of the other most popular ways of moving is through music. There are so many different types of music along with ways to express ourselves through moving to it. There are organised groups of dance sessions such as barn dances (Baldock) or line dancing (Arlesey). Or numerous other types available in Hitchin (Hot house dancing) or through all kinds of live music hosting venues.

For many, music is therapy, whether the words and meanings, the rhythm, feel, sound or the instinctive expression of the self through dancing to it.

In the last week, I was fortunate enough to see Nile Rogers and Chic in the beautiful setting of a forest up North. I absolutely LOVE to dance to music that literally lifts me to my feet! One of the joys of dancing is that it doesn’t necessarily feel like exercise. Until the end of the night when the joints start complaining! But it’s fun. At least it is if you enjoy it and I realise not everyone does. But for those who love dancing, it offers the chance to get out of our overthinking heads and into our at times underactive body’s. Movement is good for all parts of us.

I’m also a fan of 5 rhythms dance classes. I attended my first online class of this last week. There is another similar style of music class known as Open Movement (The Sadie Centre). These classes offer a space where music is played that brings differing structures, speeds and rhythms. You are invited to to move as much or as little as you like in whatever way your body wishes to.

There is even a ‘nest’ area to take time out to rest or chairs to sit on to give your feet a break. These classes offer the opportunity to rest the brain in favour of letting the body lead in a spontaneous word-less way. It is a great space in which to experiment with body led expression. There is no right or wrong way to move as each person’s dance is deeply unique.

The first class I attended reminded me of the freedom I felt as a small child during PE lessons. I remember running around a large room with others but minus the inhibition that can accompany adulthood. At least it did after I’d relaxed into it!

As humans, we are not just walking heads, overthinking everything as if we don’t also live inside a phenomenal physical body. In terms of maintaining health, we need to utilise, stretch and challenge all parts of ourselves. This includes the heart, mind and the body. Most of us use our minds and hearts in the business of daily living. But unless our jobs are active, we may not use our body as anything more than something to carry us through the day. In which case we need to be more proactive about moving our body’s.

There is new research arising all the time that supports the need to strengthen the mind to body connection. Illnesses such as dementia are being recognised as sometimes being more likely to manifest if the physical body has not been active enough throughout the lifetime. Whether mind or body, the old adage, ‘use it or lose it’, remains equally true. Furthermore, how we look after one part impacts the others.

While there is a time for all things whether moving or resting, we need to be intentional about how much we move. Whether you prefer the quiet of solo movement though walking in nature, or being part of a group, or both, there are masses of different ways to get moving locally.

Whatever moves you to move, go with that!

Over the weekend the subject of solstice arose. My partner and I had differing ideas about what date it was. A little research conducted on that font of all knowledge Google, confirmed Solstice occurs between June 20^th and 22^nd. (which encompasses what we both thought!) Here in the Northern Hemisphere. Solstice indicates the start of summertime with the passing of the longest day.

Most of us were grateful when the sun finally came out last week to raise the temperature beyond the need for remaining inside with the heating on. This includes me although I don’t find it nearly as exciting to know the days are now shortening as I do when the days lengthen in December! As a summer baby, I am a lover of sunny outdoor days. Although I do enjoy sunshine from under the shade giving properties of a parasol these days! Or a hat at the minimum!

Apparently, the reason the hottest days of summer often occur after Solstice is something called ‘The lag of the seasons.’ This is because the Earth needs time to warm up following a long Winter. I can relate!

And I am thrilled that the sun seems to be putting in something of a more regular temperature raising presence right now. I am always at my happiest when I can spend hours outside amidst nature without getting wet or frozen.

I was particularly pleased about the absence of rain and the presence of sun over the weekend. We had tickets for Nile Rogers and Chic at the beautiful venue that is Dalby Forest. There we were surrounded by greenery and trees under the great big, blue and sunny sky.

As it was well organised, it wasn’t too painful going through the necessary checks to gain access to our area. It was more of an experience that yielded great amusement than pain. I’ll never forget the wide-eyed expression on the ticket guys face when my partner told him we had VIP tickets! It still makes me chuckle every time I see his face. I think after allowing the words, ‘you’ve got VIP tickets?’ to fly forth from his mouth, he did manage to hold back from adding, ‘are you sure?’. I’m not sure what he saw as he looked at us with those wide eyes, but it tickled me no end! And I took it as a compliment!

My partner was further amused when I got stopped for my bags to be searched while he didn’t! He suggested that my sunglasses may have made me look like I was hiding something. I was; my eyes from a sensitivity to light plus pollen! Not alcohol! Nearly twenty years have passed in an alcohol and haze free manner without looking back!

But entry issues aside, it was an all-round fantastic experience. The company, the surroundings, the sounds, the vibes … the whole shebang!

So following a fabulous but full on weekend, today is a people free, nature filled reset day. I’m chilling in the outdoor lounge amongst the birds, the butterfly’s and the ginger boy. The birds continue to provide the background music. Whereas the daisies continue to dazzle me from the foreground. I am amazed by their resilience. Every time I mow them down, they come back multiplied. You can’t keep a good daisy down. But alas, a momentary lapse of concentration meant I mowed down my random pansy. I hope it will return.

This is summer … I absolutely love it!

(Apart from the hay fever and mosi bites)

I realise this title sounds very Enid Blyton amidst a world of much non-magical goings on. But a way to manage the horrors, injustice and wars, (not just those that make it to the western media), is by continuing to notice all that remains beautiful and good. All sides of ourselves and life co-exist whether we typically blind ourselves to the unsavoury or the beautiful or whether we continue to see them all.

Closer to home, I’ve lost count of the number of political leaflets that have arrived through my letterbox this week. Those who employ playground tactics of pulling down the opposition to promote themselves instantly lose my respect and my vote. While I appreciate the actions and sacrifices of Pankhurst and co, how does one vote if you don’t trust anyone pleading for one?

Recently I heard that in some other country (whose name I’ve forgotten), there is a count of those who do not vote. Apparently, this is not done for the shortsighted approach of reprimanding or judging but to learn why so this can be addressed. I’m not sure whether our country simply ignores the growing number of people choosing not to vote. Perhaps they don’t want to consider that many of us fear that those seeking power do not appear to be acting in integrity or for the greater good. Although in fairness to all, it is an almost impossible job for which there is no quick fix. And I can’t really know what drives those who seek our vote. I know only what turns me right off.

Anyway, that’s more than enough on that subject.

What a difference the sunshine has made to our collective moods this week! I’ve certainly been uplifted by time spent outside without freezing or getting rained on. I love the great outdoors and find it comforting, relaxing and refreshing.

So this week, I’ve balanced out the fast paced, busy, noisy culture of modern day living by spending extended periods of time outside. The simple business of breakfast in the garden, slows me down by inviting me to notice the sights and sounds around me. All of which is enhanced by the colour enriching presence of the sun.

I’ve been treated to flybys from various birds most of whose names I don’t know. But these different winged wonders take it in turns to take to the podium offered by my fence post. Here they sing or chatter as they turn and twist to let me take in their beauty from all angles!

One morning the resident robin who often sits on the podium kept flying back from the fence at the bottom of the garden to the podium on the side fence. From here he chattered away with his native song seemingly determined for me to notice him! I was delighted that he succeeded!

My regular blackbird helped me get over my sadness when the bluetits I’d been watching for weeks completed their mission when their fledglings flew away. This blackbird is consistent in presence and song. Even if I can’t see him, I can usually hear him! He sings from the rooftops in the evenings and the trees in the day. He even pops down to feast on the worms from my lawn first thing. He came right up to me at my table this morning to bid me good morning (so I like to think!)

When I stop, be still and savour these sights and sounds of nature, it refreshes and re-sets me.

There is much new research on ‘forest bathing’ or ‘for-rest’ as I recently saw it written as well as the health benefits of outdoor green or blue open spaces. None of which I can remember given the understanding of science is not within my skill set. However, I do know that nature calls to us if we’re willing to slow down enough to notice. And when we do take in its offerings, it can calm our systems amidst a chaotic world.

Not everyone is as enamoured of nature or gardening as I am as we are all wired differently. And that’s ok but it is important to know what offers you a refreshing, soothing experience for there will always be much in this world to test us.

Last week at church I spoke to two people who each fessed up to feeling they were watching too much TV. Their take not mine. I felt a bit envious! As a serial rest-evader, I thought time in front of the TV sounded rather nice. Where they felt they needed less time in front of their TV, I decided I wanted more time in front of mine!

My wish was granted on Tuesday when I woke up feeling so dreadful, I couldn’t even sit upright. I’m not sure if this was viral or complete exhaustion. But either way, the only option was to succumb to the sanctuary of the sofa for most the day. During this enforced period of sofa hugging horizontality, I indulged in lots of TV. I’ve always had a strict, ‘no daytime TV during the week’ rule as being self-employed requires high levels of self-discipline.

But yesterday I threw that out the window, draw the curtains across them and proceeded to devour two different drama series. Each of these featured trauma, grief, loss and therapy. Right up my street! And I loved them both although one did require a rather large volume of tissues! Fortunately, as a therapist I’m always well stocked in these. And that’s just for me!

Within one of these dramas, I spotted a quote which read,

‘Time is love’.

How incredibly true.

If you want to know where someone’s heart really is, look beyond their words to where they spend their time. Whatever we invest our time, attention and care in, will grow, whether in size, depth, health, value, contentment or a combo. Similarly, whatever we neglect, may subsequently shrink. And this includes us (except where we neglect a healthy diet and may therefore expand).

The health and growth of anything requires a consistent investment of time, attention and care.

Sometimes we fail to invest our time and energy in what we claim is important. This invites further exploration. It could be driven by fear, whether of failure or success. Or we may not be exercising our own agency or right to choose. Or we may not value what we thought we did, as much as we thought. When actions are out of alignment with words these may be revealing a deeper reality.

I fail to consistently invest my all into something I have always professed to be paramount. It is time to get out of my own way. It may help to conduct an in-depth analysis of where I am investing myself. If I can identify where I am over investing, I can make the necessary withdrawals to re-invest where I really want them.

Time really is love. (except for the obligatory washing up/bill paying/adulting). If we are not investing our time in what we profess to love, we may well wonder why. And we may need to address this by moving our investments around. Or pay the price of failing to grow where we fail to invest.

Last week someone commented that I’m always writing about rest.

“That’s because I’m rubbish at it”, I replied.

“That’s terrible”, came their response.

The conversation was interrupted so I remain unsure exactly what this meant. But what I do know is that I write about rest a lot because I am attempting to keep it on my radar. And I’m doing this because my resistance to rest is exhausting! By continuing to write about rest, I continue to remind myself to practice it.

Part of my commitment to spend more time away from the never-ending to-do-list of adulting, is by having a work free Wednesday. My mid-week work break offers the chance to stop, catch my breath and practice more rest and play. By doing so, I recharge ready for the rest of the week. In theory at least!

After a non-stop rushing here, there and everywhere style Wednesday, I redressed the balance on Thursday. I released myself from work commitments (mostly) to take time out with a trusted friend.

As the clouds were having a break from rain releasing, we walked from hers to a beautiful venue. We were accompanied by her four-legged woofers, one of whom I met for the first time. What a beauty! Her energy and enthusiasm meant she hadn’t mastered the art of bounce control when it came to jumping all over me. But when a small child drew face to face and put her hands on the pup’s face, the pup responded with gentleness. Wow!

Anyway, our afternoon proceeded to be a banquet for the soul. I enjoyed the contented tail wagging presence of the woofers with the ease of conversation that comes from a friend you’ve known for decades. The scenery was stunning complete with winged visitors who varied from robins to blackbirds to magpies. The food was homemade, bursting with colour and flavours that made it a delight to indulge in. And there was a gift shop full of beautiful things to look at.

The simple act of time in nature with a good friend can refresh all parts of us.

I’ve always loved swimming especially in outdoor pools. The local ones opened about ten days ago. Wild water swimming is very on trend right now but my inability to tolerate coldness means that heated outdoor pools are as close as I get. I gave the pool a swerve last week due to half term. The onset of perimenopause has seen a corresponding onset of noise intolerance. This means the swimming pool/half term combo is one to be avoided.

It was cloudy when I decided to sample the pool for the first time of the season. The clouds are usually very effective crowd removers which I love as I don’t love crowds. I cycled there as I find it less stressful than worrying whether I’ll get in the car park or have problems with the ticket machine.

As I approached the outdoor area, I came face to face with a sign. It said something about ‘delicate feet may get sore from the outdoor floor.’ What? I half expected a sign in front of the pool to warn swimmers that by entering the water, they may get wet!

Anyway, I was excited to be back in the outdoor pool under the sky, the clouds and the birds. It was cold but it only took a few minutes to warm up. I love the fresh air and space of being outside. However, thirty minutes in and my body was no longer able to sustain a warm temperature. Historically I’ve been incredibly hard on myself by believing it criminal to swim indoors if the outdoor option is available. I’m practising being a little kinder so I realised after pushing on for a further fifteen minutes, goosebumps and all that I could finish my swim inside. I really like it when I remember to be nicer to myself!

Inside where it was sweatier, more enclosed and noisier, that first length felt like being in a warm bath compared to outside. I loved it! And I saw a few other swimmers in there who I had assumed to be way too hardcore to catch inside! I completed my hour and went for a shower.  Revelling in a hot shower for however long it takes to warm my system minus the worry of the cost is one of my favourite things. And it usually generates lot of inspiration and ideas for whatever I am working on.

For me, the velvety feel of the water combined by the non-joint hammering business of swimming, make it one of my favourite forms of exercise. I’ve often been asked how many lengths I swim. I don’t count lengths as I want to enjoy the swim with my mind free from number-holding to go where it wants. The whole experience is another way to strengthen the mind/body connection minus the knee pain that running now often brings.

A simple but enjoyable form of self-care.

What works for you?