According to the online Encyclopaedia substitute that is Google, one of the definitions for the word Family is …
“ … all the descendants of a common ancestor…’
That means you, me and us. Somewhere along the line.
Family is the foundation upon which our relational templates are created. However, all too often the word family brings up associations of heartache/estrangements/bereavement/loss/misunderstandings/illness and all the other crap that relationships can bring.
Family is everything. It is nearly impossible to have a conversation that does not involve the subject of family. We are surrounded by signs that speak of family. Even house furnishings are full of slogans about family or even just couples. I don’t see house signs about how great it is to be single and not to have to fight over the sofa, the remote control, the menu, the washing up, the temperature or anything else. Or about how freeing it is to only have people you want to have in your house and to set your own time boundaries about when you want them to go!! Perhaps I have identified a gap in the market! If I didn’t already have about 8000 creative projects on the go, I may have followed this up!
Some of us have experienced abuse at the hands of our family. For us, the constant barrage of ‘what a blessing family are’, can feel like the slap around the chops that just keeps slapping. While no family is all good or all bad, but more a mix of somewhere in between, being constantly reminded that your family falls more into the unhealthy category is not always helpful.
Fortunately, at the age of fifty, I have been able to grow beyond my family experiences. I can now fully see and accept the incredible ‘family’ of people that God has surrounded me with over the past twenty years.
On Saturday, I celebrated my fiftieth party with many of the people who make up my present-day family. As I gave my speech, I looked out at this family of mine and I thought,
“Wow, what a beautiful, colourful, phenomenal family I have”.
And I thought of the quote that says it takes an entire village to raise a child. I realised that it has taken a huge and growing family of people who all started as strangers, to bring me through the worst three years of my adult life. In other words, it has taken a huge amount of people to love me through the lingering effects of the childhood abuse from my own family.
Within the context of family we can get hurt and we can get healed. If we are lucky, we experience both within the same family. But only when each party has the courage to own their part.
When we are unlucky in so far as we have family who cannot own their part, we may need to seek our healing within the context of family that exists way beyond the biological.
The way I see life is that God deals us all a set of cards; some we love and some we do not.
I did not enjoy the abusive atmosphere I grew up (it wasn’t all bad and there is much I am thankful for too), but God gave me a gift for going out into the world and connecting with people wherever I go.
Right from adolescence I met my best friend at junior school and spent as much time as possible at her home. It was full of people (she is one of seven siblings!), dogs, cockatiels and LIFE. I liked being there and I did not like being at my home. I am very grateful for her and for all the amazing family’s who followed, who have also embraced me.
It was the family in New Zealand who loved me so much, I wanted to find out about their Jesus, who subsequently became my Jesus! Living with them on their dairy farm in the middle of nowhere was like experiencing a personalised rehab program. I quit smoking, drinking and taking drugs and took up photographing flowers, baking cakes and singing for Jesus (and inhaling sugar so much I gained two stones!). Transformation!
I’ve since been part of four churches in the twenty years since I’ve known Jesus. I have lots of amazing memories and a few questionable ones! And they may say the same about me!
But now, at the age of fifty, I realise I have an incredible family made up of those who share my faith and those who don’t. I don’t need to surround myself with people who only look, sound and think like me (boring!). I love to meet and to learn from people who are different to me. Even within my incredible church family who have given me love and stability for the past sixteen years, we don’t necessarily share the same theology on all subjects. But in a healthy family, there is room for difference and disagreement.
I am very grateful for every member of my family – if their heart has touched mine, they are in my family.
I am also learning that not everyone belongs in my family. God is teaching me about boundaries – a key skill that you don’t learn in an abusive family. But my blossoming boundaries mean that if a person is behaving in a way I find questionable, I will put a different boundary in to guard my own heart and health! And if they don’t like that, that’s a ‘them problem’!
In this season, I am celebrating family … as the people who show up for me in my time of need as well as in my time of celebration.
I am so thankful for every member of my family and I will do all I can to support and celebrate each of them. I do have limitations and I am learning about boundaries as I need to be wise about protecting my energy, especially post burnout.
But, I have learned that the family we choose for ourselves and who choose us back are a two-way blessing. A win/lose is a lose for me. And my God is the God of the win/win. Wha-hey!