Recently I have given a lot of thought to the subject of forgiveness, in preparations for various teaching workshops.
Whilst I have often heard forgiveness talked about as if it is a simple one off choice, the reality is often more complex.
What many do not realise is that forgiveness is not an act of superficiality.
Over the years my heart has always sunk whenever I have heard this whole, ‘just forgive’ and everything is ok mantra.
It suggests in a flippant manner that this is easy.
Personally I am not convinced that Jesus agreed as he hung there on that cross.
We all encounter the simple day to day stuff where we can easily irritate and disappoint one another despite the best will not to. And it is important to let go of these as we go along. A collection of grudges is never going to benefit anyone!
But in the more complex areas of injustice and trauma, forgiveness is more of a process.
It certainly starts by making an intellectual choice to forgive, whether someone else; dead or alive, or yourself (preferably whilst still alive!).
But if it also ends there, we are reinforcing any existing disconnect between head and heart.
I think that forgiveness is a threefold business.
First we exercise our free will by making an intellectual choice to forgive.
Then secondly, we can ask Jesus for help to practice forgiveness in real terms in real life as well as to help us spiritually. Let’s face it, He totally has the monopoly on this forgiveness thing given His whole cross experience along with His ongoing love for us.
Or even, if we are struggling to choose to forgive intellectually, we can ask Jesus for help with that too.
But the third more tricky and timely bit is dealing with all the painful emotions of the heart that allow us to experience a heart rather than head only, level of forgiveness.
Most people simply skip this bit or pretend it is not necessary. A bypass of which will often lead to other problematic behaviours or physical ailments. But we all have free will and can exercise it how we wish whether passively or actively.
Thus, in order to experience the freedom that accompanies the giving of a heart level of forgiveness, we have to actually experience, own, acknowledge and work through all the painful feelings that we have about the matter we are attempting to forgive.
Depending on the depth or breadth of the original wound, there may also be a need for professional intervention. This is no different to our physical health.
Typically a process of forgiveness involves a process of mourning for whatever losses are attached to the matter needing to be forgiven.
A refusal to engage with this, impacts us.
Not the one you are attempting to forgive, but us.
An inability to give forgiveness to another is to hold on to unforgiveness ourselves.
And that costs.
It is complex but possible to forgive.
To clarify what I mean by forgiveness, I am talking about letting go of all the painful feelings that naturally accompany painful experiences of others.
What I do NOT mean by forgiveness, is that what happened does not matter.
It matters.
You matter.
Your experience of it matters.
Any lasting impact matters.
It equally does not mean that you need to deny or diminish your true experience.
It also does not mean that you will automatically always continue a relationship with said person.
It even does not mean that it is not right and necessary in some cases to involve the appropriate authorities.
Forgiveness is often a complex and lengthy process that may need repeating.
It is certainly way too huge a subject to do any real justice to in a piece this short.
But in short, when we do not or cannot forgive another, it costs us to hold on to those painful feelings. So whilst it also costs us the pain of going through the process on a heart level to forgive another, it costs us more to avoid doing so.
We don’t have to settle for a superficial intellect only level of forgiveness when a deeper heart level is possible.
But at times we may need professional help to achieve this.
That we may continue to whole heartedly live, learn, love, forgive, be forgiven and repeat!