Tag: Friends

How to navigate a shit show, by Jo Loach and Jesus Christ (or should that read the other way round?) …

Either way, I write this in recognition of all the wonderful women who have supported me through the repeated shit shows of the past few years. Those who showed up for me when all I could do was stink, rock, cry, fret and, or, lick the windows. I am referring to those who sat with me, talked to me, listened to me, hugged me, prayed with me, fed me, massaged me, took me for walks and basically LOVED me, when I didn’t know how to love myself. Without each of you, I would not be where I am now … no longer deluded in to thinking there will be no more shit shows to come, but way more confident that I have the support I need to navigate them, when they come. Because, this is really as good as life gets, even for us therapists, who are not exempt from losing our shit amidst an onslaught of shit shows. However, if we remain committed to pushing through and re-discovering ourselves, our friends, our God and our calling, we will remain able to hold others as they navigate their own struggles. What an honour.

And to anyone who has mistakenly believed that the role of a counsellor is to tell you what to do, let me explain that it is our role to hold you and a space for you to begin to grow up enough (yes growing pains do hurt), to realise that you are responsible and able to work out what to do, yourself. For, there is no greater gift than self-trust, except God trust …

In light of all this, I feel inspired to write to acknowledge with respect, my own and the struggles of others and some of the timeless lessons that exist within them. Because, I realise that sometimes, when we are really, really hurting, we may turn away from God. And yet, God wants to comfort, help, hold and sooth our hearts, especially when they are hurt, fearful, lost, broken and/or despairing.

When the shit hits the fan in our lives and particularly when unwanted situations or seasons drag beyond what we feel we can endure, we may start to have the following type of thoughts …

  • If God really loved me, he wouldn’t allow this to happen/me to feel this way
  • God must be busy/distracted by blessing all his other kids right now … lucky old them (thought in a cynical, sarcastic and highly envious, if well-hidden tone)
  • Perhaps he’s forgotten about me/doesn’t really care/I’m out of favour with him … because I’ve believed that I must earn/deserve his love, as if it all depends on me
  • I know God says he’s with me but, … is he … and if so, where is he …
  • I am paralysed by the uprising of the inner Kevin, exclaiming, ‘it’s so unfair’ …
  • I’m not sure I trust a God who can allow such horrible things to happen to me/every other bugger in the world
  • I don’t even want to look at God right now much less speak to him because I am f***ing furious but have been indoctrinated in to believing I am not allowed to feel the very feelings that God himself has wired us to feel as part of our human aliveness
  • Will this ever end/I feel anything different/better ever again?
  • How do I go to the God of comfort when it is him who is allowing me to feel such pain – isn’t that like oil and water?
  • I know (in theory) that God’s love for me is unconditional, but when I’m squeezed really hard, all the conditions I’ve put on him, to earn my love, start to pop up and out, ie I’m only going to come to you if you take this awful season away etc
  • How about a spot of bargaining … if I do x, y or even Z, God, will you do … ?
  • Perhaps you are just a figment of my imagination/a crutch/don’t really exist etc

God really has heard it all before because we are not alone in these thoughts! Just look at all the imperfect, mess making, peops that fill the bible. How very encouraging! Some folk may be better at pretending/hiding but most of us feel/think these things in times of struggle! God is not shocked! But waits patiently for us to bring it all to him so he can help us sift through it to find the gold within.

Our God didn’t beat around the bush when it came to telling us straight that we WILL have trouble in this world. Not, I believe because he takes pleasure in peeing on our bonfires of life BUT, because he wants to prepare us for life as it is, rather than as we wish it to be. By being prepared to work with the trials and the one who triumphs over them, we remain more connected to the one who wants to bring us through and keep our fire of life burning. True story.

Furthermore, God tells us not to worry WHEN the trouble comes because he has overcome the worst of the worse …. death on a cross (I don’t even want to imagine). Through this act Jesus paid for us to be connected to the giver of life for the duration of our lives and whatever they bring us. And while God respects our right to refuse him, when we stay connected, He helps us to grow, learn and heal through every shit season that comes. And he is not a half-a-job-Bob kind of a God, so he commits to continue supporting us, if we allow him, right until he takes us home to be with him in a place where there is no more tears or suffering. Wowsers.

So, if you are struggling, as we all do, know that God will use your struggles to stretch you and grow your shit coping capacity, because the shit aint ever gonna stop coming. And God doesn’t want you to give up and simply lay stinking when he has more good stuff for you on the other side of the current shit show. He will help you to keep getting up and keep putting one foot in front of the other for as long as it takes to reach the new season. And you will be different when you come out the other side. In a good way. Although sometimes we do have to stay down for a bit simply to rest and regather our resources enough to get back up again. We’re fully human, only God is both God and the son of a human. But don’t take my word for all this, ask God to help you with whatever situation you find yourself in. But if you do this, you must commit to not closing your eyes or heart to every attempt of his to do so.

For those of us who had parents who didn’t know how to comfort us in our sorrow or sooth us when we were afraid (or were the source of our fear), or encourage us when we fell, we need to learn that God’s ways are not our human ways. He is not imperfect like all of us; human parents and human children. He is the God who welcomes our pain, our rage, our despair, disappointment, confusion etc. He is a parent who will never greet our pain or tears with the words,

‘Do you want something to really cry for?’

This always confused me as a child because I can’t imagine any child, anywhere, any place, ever responding with,

‘Yes please daddy, shall I go and get the stick/slipper/instrument that you would like to beat a defenceless child who is way smaller than you, with?’.

Or in my case, the yellow handled stick that accompanied us on daytrips as a visual reminder not to ever let up our guard enough to behave like … children!

Our parents are human which equates to imperfect. We must forgive them for any hurt we incurred because of their humanity, not because it doesn’t matter or cost massive amounts to heal from, but because God forgives us for our humanity and imperfections … over and over and over again.

So, all in all, when we hurt, as we all do sometimes, God awaits us with open embrace. There is literally nothing we can feel or think that will prevent him from receiving us, along with all that we have within us. When we are drowning in rage, resentment, fear, disillusionment, doubt or whatever, this is when we need him most. And he doesn’t want us sitting with, suppressing or being alone with these when he’s right there, respecting our right to refuse him, but longing to hold and help us.

Sometimes my beloved Monty cat looks at me with such fury in his eyes, usually because I haven’t succumbed to giving him more food when he already has some in his bowl. And when he does this, my heart still feels like it will burst with love for him. And I try to stifle my smile! Then I realise that God feels this way about me and about you! Wow! He see’s our hearts beyond all the bullshit we create around them!

The biggest, fattest, cruellest lie of our time is that God does not love us. Of course, this does not mean that he loves everything we do, but that he never withdraws his love from us even when we are acting out, what we don’t know how to speak out. He understands that anything we do that is harmful to us or others is usually from the unhealed parts of our heart … he understands our human-ness because he made us. He is just waiting for us to bring it all to him so he can help us to bear our pain, heal our hearts and grow through the hard seasons. In this way God empowers us to keep living a whole, rather than a half-hearted life. Because that is the kind of God he is.

For many years, I used to sneer at his promise that, ‘sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.’

‘Yeah, right Lord, which morning of which year?’, was the cry of my heart for a loooong time.

Anyway, I am pleased to report that joy does indeed come … then go … then come again. And furthermore, God does turn our mourning in to dancing … then more mourning … then more dancing … so don’t ever stop at the sorrow/mourning phase for these are on a loop. Just keep going … but we must allow others to see and support us in our struggles because it is easy to lose sight of what matters most when neck deep in shit. While also remembering that the greatest source of comfort and help and the only sort that is available on tap at all times, comes from on high.

Yes, Amen and thank you Lord, for seeing and loving us all, despite all our bs. May we receive and share you more fully with every passing shit storm.

The death of a friend

Today is a week from the day that myself, the other friend who made our group of three, and the family, will mark the death of my friend and celebrate the gift of her life. I will call this friend J.

My tears are residing just under my eyeballs awaiting any opportunity to spill forth. I don’t like to restrain them, but I do need to maintain my responsibilities of adulting. I feel deeply sad that I will never get to sit with J again. How I loved over a decade of the three of us sitting together, chewing the fat while inhaling high fat fodder.

I feel extremely sad that I will never again get to feel the warmth and love of her presence or her hugs. She wasn’t a typically English hugger, by which I mean she didn’t attempt one of those weird hugs where people try not to actually touch you or where you part hug after half a second for fear of being too affectionate or unreserved. J was one of the best hug givers in my life. The last time I saw her we had a super long hug; proper style. I read somewhere that to benefit from the healing properties of a hug you must maintain it for a certain number of seconds. As a ‘big’ rather than ‘small’ picture person, I can’t recall how many seconds are required so I like to go long!

On that day, I didn’t know that it would be the last hug we would ever have in person. We  did attempt to meet again but the cancer had ravished her body so rapidly that she was never well enough for another visit. I’m grateful for that last hug but as with all those I have loved and lost, I long for just one more; one more hug and one more of everything else we ever shared. It hurts that this longing will not be fulfilled. And now when my gorgeous ball of ginger fluff comes looking for a hug, I try to put down what I am doing and give him my attention. For we never know when a hug will be our last.

My heart hurts and so does my body. Not just from all the painting and furniture moving as I change my house from top to bottom, but also from the distress of grief that my body holds. As another friend remarked to me, as I have the living loss of estrangement from my family, my friends are my family and their deaths all the more pertinent.

In recognition of all this, yesterday was the day of my monthly treat of a massage. What an absolute gift from God my massage lady is and not just for me, as she is offering a special treat of £35 for a one-hour massage in February – ask if you want her details. I can’t recommend her enough.

Anyway, yesterday my poor knackered body and weary soul laid down upon her heated bed where she draped a soft, snuggly blanket over me, put on soothing sounds and began to massage me with oil. I find healthy, safe, human touch to be such a powerful source of healing. And for the first time I was introduced to a massage gun – I did not know these even existed before that moment. B told me she usually reserves this for big men but on this occasion my body was so incredibly knotted that she got the big guns out for me!! It was divine. For the body cannot lie and knows all the stress and distress that it holds whether recent or historical. And that massage was just what the Doctor ordered. At least the soul, spirit and body doctor, otherwise known as the Almighty. (access free to all without waiting lists)

I reluctantly dragged myself up and home where I gifted myself to a period of ‘being’ with a break from doing. A friend recommended the film Resistance about the true story of Marcel Marceau who transported many children to safety during the horrors of the Nazi regime. It took all of about ten minutes of watching this before I had to reach for the ever-present tissues. Children deserve to have their innocence preserved and protected rather than ripped away by human brutality in whatever form. Having just passed the 80th anniversary of all Holocaust related, I was horrified to hear that some young folk are believing b/s that none of this existed. I know that all of us can be drawn by denial as a way to protect ourselves from tragedy, but really?

Anyway, shortly after getting all cosy and comfortable, settled and snuggled with Monty while being a bit snotty and a lot sad, I was snoring! It was so wonderful to give in to what my body so desperately needed.

Grief takes energy on every level whether to contain it while carrying on must occur or whether to let it have its way when time allows. Death and loss cause our hearts to hurt and as with every other type of healing, the internal resources required to heal, take energy and need extra rest to recover. I haven’t given myself this, so to rectify it, I’ve put an immediate ban on everything other than the essentials. I have a wonderful window of responsibility-free time which is in touching distance and I want to get there without collapsing first. And as writing is how I process, voila …

I did prioritise time out to celebrate a friends birthday though because friends are my family – these are the people I do life, loss and love with. And another family/friend sent pictures of her beautiful little new-ish human. Those at the start of life are such a tonic for all things end of life/general life crap.

My friend J was family to me and I will always be grateful for her ability to move towards me and not away, when I was suffering. While we also had fun together and talked about much, she was there when I lost contact with my personality, humour or ability to conversate. Such a precious friend. Such a monumental loss.

I remain grateful for my other friend who made up our group and for the gift of sharing our memories, experiences and loss of J. We will dedicate time next week to the place where the three of us spent so many happy hours together. There we will acknowledge J in any way that is meaningful to us. And then we will go to the official celebration of her life. But before that we are going to see the film about J’s beloved Bob Dylan. I’ll take plenty of tissues!

Once I am in my ‘space-to-be’ window, I will see what words want to come forth to convey my experience of J. I didn’t get to say goodbye in person or tell her what she meant to me or how I valued the gift of her. And so, I am planning to speak on the day that we celebrate her life as my way of acknowledging and honouring her.

Death, loss and grief are painful. But it remains true that the only thing worse than grieving, is refusing to grieve. Sometimes it is remaining connected to the pain within our own hearts, that shows us that we are still alive. And for as long as God grants me, I am all for that.

Where does my help come from?

Life brings challenges to each and every one of us.

Whilst it is not an original observation to make, it remains true that it is the trials that reveal who is really there for us in our time of need.

We all need help and support at times just as we all need to offer help and support.  Sometimes we are the one offering support, other times we are the one in need of support and sometimes we are offering and receiving!

In recent challenges within my own life, there are key people (you know who you are, near and far!) who have warned me of potential risks up ahead, supported me when such risks were realised and helped me not only to extricate myself from said risks but who also remained on hand to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and love me through the process of healing.

I shall remain forever grateful for the wonderful gift from God of all those who have helped and who continue to help me when I am in need.

Whilst life brings problems that I cannot predict or prevent, these were problems I could have predicted and prevented. 

The bottom line is that I made a bad call, in spite of the advice of loved ones. I did not want to heed their warnings much less respond appropriately, because I did not want them to be true. 

I take responsibility for my poor choice, for the subsequent damage caused, the time needed to heal and the painful but ultimately powerful sense of liberation that I have gained.

If only I could learn without causing myself such pain. 

As with every painful lesson before, I have been reminded of where my help comes from, as well as where it does not.

It has been true before and remains true today that my help has always come from the Lord, in a myriad of ways and through a multitude of people.

And whilst it has been one hell of a battle to create the time, space and energy to write, it is this provision of help revealed through every trial that my first book will be about.

Whilst I believe that help from above is available for every human in every trial, I feel incredibly fortunate that this is my actual ongoing lived experience.