Learning - Life is calling

How to navigate a shit show, by Jo Loach and Jesus Christ (or should that read the other way round?) …

Either way, I write this in recognition of all the wonderful women who have supported me through the repeated shit shows of the past few years. Those who showed up for me when all I could do was stink, rock, cry, fret and, or, lick the windows. I am referring to those who sat with me, talked to me, listened to me, hugged me, prayed with me, fed me, massaged me, took me for walks and basically LOVED me, when I didn’t know how to love myself. Without each of you, I would not be where I am now … no longer deluded in to thinking there will be no more shit shows to come, but way more confident that I have the support I need to navigate them, when they come. Because, this is really as good as life gets, even for us therapists, who are not exempt from losing our shit amidst an onslaught of shit shows. However, if we remain committed to pushing through and re-discovering ourselves, our friends, our God and our calling, we will remain able to hold others as they navigate their own struggles. What an honour.

And to anyone who has mistakenly believed that the role of a counsellor is to tell you what to do, let me explain that it is our role to hold you and a space for you to begin to grow up enough (yes growing pains do hurt), to realise that you are responsible and able to work out what to do, yourself. For, there is no greater gift than self-trust, except God trust …

In light of all this, I feel inspired to write to acknowledge with respect, my own and the struggles of others and some of the timeless lessons that exist within them. Because, I realise that sometimes, when we are really, really hurting, we may turn away from God. And yet, God wants to comfort, help, hold and sooth our hearts, especially when they are hurt, fearful, lost, broken and/or despairing.

When the shit hits the fan in our lives and particularly when unwanted situations or seasons drag beyond what we feel we can endure, we may start to have the following type of thoughts …

If God really loved me, he wouldn’t allow this to happen/me to feel this way
God must be busy/distracted by blessing all his other kids right now … lucky old them (thought in a cynical, sarcastic and highly envious, if well-hidden tone)
Perhaps he’s forgotten about me/doesn’t really care/I’m out of favour with him … because I’ve believed that I must earn/deserve his love, as if it all depends on me
I know God says he’s with me but, … is he … and if so, where is he …
I am paralysed by the uprising of the inner Kevin, exclaiming, ‘it’s so unfair’ …
I’m not sure I trust a God who can allow such horrible things to happen to me/every other bugger in the world
I don’t even want to look at God right now much less speak to him because I am f***ing furious but have been indoctrinated in to believing I am not allowed to feel the very feelings that God himself has wired us to feel as part of our human aliveness
Will this ever end/I feel anything different/better ever again?
How do I go to the God of comfort when it is him who is allowing me to feel such pain – isn’t that like oil and water?
I know (in theory) that God’s love for me is unconditional, but when I’m squeezed really hard, all the conditions I’ve put on him, to earn my love, start to pop up and out, ie I’m only going to come to you if you take this awful season away etc
How about a spot of bargaining … if I do x, y or even Z, God, will you do … ?
Perhaps you are just a figment of my imagination/a crutch/don’t really exist etc

God really has heard it all before because we are not alone in these thoughts! Just look at all the imperfect, mess making, peops that fill the bible. How very encouraging! Some folk may be better at pretending/hiding but most of us feel/think these things in times of struggle! God is not shocked! But waits patiently for us to bring it all to him so he can help us sift through it to find the gold within.

Our God didn’t beat around the bush when it came to telling us straight that we WILL have trouble in this world. Not, I believe because he takes pleasure in peeing on our bonfires of life BUT, because he wants to prepare us for life as it is, rather than as we wish it to be. By being prepared to work with the trials and the one who triumphs over them, we remain more connected to the one who wants to bring us through and keep our fire of life burning. True story.

Furthermore, God tells us not to worry WHEN the trouble comes because he has overcome the worst of the worse …. death on a cross (I don’t even want to imagine). Through this act Jesus paid for us to be connected to the giver of life for the duration of our lives and whatever they bring us. And while God respects our right to refuse him, when we stay connected, He helps us to grow, learn and heal through every shit season that comes. And he is not a half-a-job-Bob kind of a God, so he commits to continue supporting us, if we allow him, right until he takes us home to be with him in a place where there is no more tears or suffering. Wowsers.

So, if you are struggling, as we all do, know that God will use your struggles to stretch you and grow your shit coping capacity, because the shit aint ever gonna stop coming. And God doesn’t want you to give up and simply lay stinking when he has more good stuff for you on the other side of the current shit show. He will help you to keep getting up and keep putting one foot in front of the other for as long as it takes to reach the new season. And you will be different when you come out the other side. In a good way. Although sometimes we do have to stay down for a bit simply to rest and regather our resources enough to get back up again. We’re fully human, only God is both God and the son of a human. But don’t take my word for all this, ask God to help you with whatever situation you find yourself in. But if you do this, you must commit to not closing your eyes or heart to every attempt of his to do so.

For those of us who had parents who didn’t know how to comfort us in our sorrow or sooth us when we were afraid (or were the source of our fear), or encourage us when we fell, we need to learn that God’s ways are not our human ways. He is not imperfect like all of us; human parents and human children. He is the God who welcomes our pain, our rage, our despair, disappointment, confusion etc. He is a parent who will never greet our pain or tears with the words,

‘Do you want something to really cry for?’

This always confused me as a child because I can’t imagine any child, anywhere, any place, ever responding with,

‘Yes please daddy, shall I go and get the stick/slipper/instrument that you would like to beat a defenceless child who is way smaller than you, with?’.

Or in my case, the yellow handled stick that accompanied us on daytrips as a visual reminder not to ever let up our guard enough to behave like … children!

Our parents are human which equates to imperfect. We must forgive them for any hurt we incurred because of their humanity, not because it doesn’t matter or cost massive amounts to heal from, but because God forgives us for our humanity and imperfections … over and over and over again.

So, all in all, when we hurt, as we all do sometimes, God awaits us with open embrace. There is literally nothing we can feel or think that will prevent him from receiving us, along with all that we have within us. When we are drowning in rage, resentment, fear, disillusionment, doubt or whatever, this is when we need him most. And he doesn’t want us sitting with, suppressing or being alone with these when he’s right there, respecting our right to refuse him, but longing to hold and help us.

Sometimes my beloved Monty cat looks at me with such fury in his eyes, usually because I haven’t succumbed to giving him more food when he already has some in his bowl. And when he does this, my heart still feels like it will burst with love for him. And I try to stifle my smile! Then I realise that God feels this way about me and about you! Wow! He see’s our hearts beyond all the bullshit we create around them!

The biggest, fattest, cruellest lie of our time is that God does not love us. Of course, this does not mean that he loves everything we do, but that he never withdraws his love from us even when we are acting out, what we don’t know how to speak out. He understands that anything we do that is harmful to us or others is usually from the unhealed parts of our heart … he understands our human-ness because he made us. He is just waiting for us to bring it all to him so he can help us to bear our pain, heal our hearts and grow through the hard seasons. In this way God empowers us to keep living a whole, rather than a half-hearted life. Because that is the kind of God he is.

For many years, I used to sneer at his promise that, ‘sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.’

‘Yeah, right Lord, which morning of which year?’, was the cry of my heart for a loooong time.

Anyway, I am pleased to report that joy does indeed come … then go … then come again. And furthermore, God does turn our mourning in to dancing … then more mourning … then more dancing … so don’t ever stop at the sorrow/mourning phase for these are on a loop. Just keep going … but we must allow others to see and support us in our struggles because it is easy to lose sight of what matters most when neck deep in shit. While also remembering that the greatest source of comfort and help and the only sort that is available on tap at all times, comes from on high.

Yes, Amen and thank you Lord, for seeing and loving us all, despite all our bs. May we receive and share you more fully with every passing shit storm.

Cloudy with a chance of casserole

Halfway into January, I’ve noticed a pattern of behaviour that is pertinent to my process of change. I often look at my relationship with certain experiences via my position on a scale. When I recognise that I need to move along the scale, I tend to leap from one end to the opposite end before landing somewhere nearer the middle (eventually, with a bit of a hope and a lot of prayer).

Back in December, I felt decidedly smug as I sat on the sofa feeling warm and snug. Unlike some of my married friends, I don’t have any thermostat police residing in my home which means I can keep it as warm as I like. As a child I hated the house being cold (not just physically), so I like a warm home now. I especially enjoy this warmth not creating a conflict with anyone.

However, I felt decidedly less smug or subsequently snug, when I received the corresponding heating bill! This meant my laissez faire attitude to flicking the heating on and forgetting all about it had to be immediately replaced by taking on the thermostat police position, as well as the, ‘I don’t want to be freezing my arse off’ position. It’s called practising balance and boundaries while managing internal conflicts! Who needs a husband when I can create conflicts within myself!

Yesterday, I started my heating bill reduction program by taking advantage of my morning coffee sweats, a midday run, a slow cooked casserole and later, a long soak in a hot bath. In addition, I utilised my ‘can’t sit still’ way of being, or rather of excess-doing, approach to free time.

When I eventually did sit down to catch up with a friend online, I did so sporting my dual purpose blanket-scarf, hat and proper blanket (on top of my usual clothes) while keeping my paws and insides warm, courtesy of hot tea. It’s become a creative challenge to manage my basal temperature while restricting the number of hours I put the heating on for. I’m attempting to reduce the next bill enough to avoid another sharp intake of breath followed by a swift release of any lingering smugness.

In other pattern spotting, smugness reducing realisations, I discovered that the difficulty I had in re-gaining weight, after being unwell, has now ended. I congratulated myself heartily for not gaining more weight over Christmas. But now, having formed a nightly sugar shovelling habit in the name of getting shot of leftovers, I’ve begun to show signs of a paunch. As I’m far too uncomfortable with that, I’m now implementing restrictions on my intake of remaining Christmas chocolates.

This process has been further aided by Channel 4’s program, Eat Smart, with The Glucose Goddess. I love this – it is simple and has pictures! It also makes sense and offers manageable tweaks to eating habits that reduce glucose spikes. In turn, this can stabilise mood/energy and hormones. A hattrick of wins that counterbalances the loss of sugar intake.

Anyway, this program shares hacks like, ‘eat your vegetables before your carbs’, or, only eat sweet treats after a balanced meal of protein, fat (yes you heard me right – fat is NOT the enemy or rather sugar is the latest replacement of it) and fibre. Apparently, layering your gut with these slows the absorption of glucose thus reducing the spike. This matters because such spikes cause inflammation in the body which contributes to other issues. And, it turns me right off from spending my evenings on the sofa mindlessly shovelling until I am surrounded by empty chocolate wrappers.

I find the human relationship with food to be utterly fascinating. This latest glucose related knowledge offers another creative challenge around how to implement these hacks within daily eating practices.

The third area of learning is around my relationship to spending. I have never suffered from spend-a-holic-ism. Largely helped by a dislike of noise creating crowds plus impatience aggravating queues. I have my fair share of ‘ism’s but spending hasn’t been one of them. Fuelled further by a fear of lack, dating back to when my seventeen-year-old self was kicked out of home.

Anyway, the more God free’s me from tight-arse-fear-driven-itus by reminding me it is all God’s money anyway, the more I permit myself to treats. No more, ‘that cheap old crap will do’, and lots more,’ it just WONT do so I’ll have something I really like’. I’m not talking reckless, just generous, because this is how God is with me. And if it’s alright for him, it’s ok for me to be like this with me and others.

As per my process of change, I have leapt from watching every penny, to waving my plastic cards in the air like I just don’t care. Serious spending sprees are alien to me, but I am adapting frighteningly fast. I’m not talking designer, status-seeking bollocks. But I am talking quirky, characterful, creative and original. Oh yes. Think charity shops, second hand markets/shops and the likes, with a bit of FB market and B & M thrown in! But now, the financial controller part of me is stepping in with stern suggestions around budget shaped boundaries.

The learning never ends!

On a lighter note, this week I discovered a fitting purpose for my cake forks. A friend gave me four stunningly beautiful, if naively small, cake forks presented in a pretty box. These are fabulous to look at but evoke enormous irritation when used for the job they are intended for. They are so tiny, they can only pick up the most minute crumb of cake. As someone not up for being slowed down on any front in any way, these were consigned to the ‘find another use for’ pile.

I typically use forks for cake because I can’t be arsed to wash my hands before or after eating it as opposed to having any delusions of ladylike-ness. But the ones I use, bear more resemblance to a shovel than a minute-morsel-picker. So, yesterday while indulging in a ‘currently all the rage’ avocado starter (or perhaps I’m slow to this particular party), I suddenly realised it was a bit too mushy for finger food. (Does anyone know how to play the lottery of pick-an-avo, better than me; read more green ones and less brown?) Either way, in a moment of genius, I realised the tiny not-for-cake forks would be perfect for spearing pieces of slightly mushy avo with. They would also prevent any need for handwashing – gotta love a two birds approach right?

The other light-hearted enjoyable exchange occurred during my supermarket meanderings earlier in the week. See previous blog post.

While I was checking out the bedsheets covered in the word ‘sale’, the lady next to me, declared,

“No ironing? I’m in’.

We both laughed and she went on to tell me that her mother gave her one piece of advice ahead of her marriage,

“When your husband asks you to iron something for him, do one item extremely badly”.

Again, we both laughed and this time, I replied,

“I went a step further and didn’t even get the husband!”.

In fact, the more I listen to some wives talking about their husbands, whether ex or current, the more I think a wife would be a wiser option! Or perhaps the ultimate combo would be a husband and a wife!

Selah … rest and reflect

I learned the word Selah this morning while reading. It was in the context of God’s invitation to stop, be still, breathe deeply, pause doing and practise being, with him preferably. Although there is no greater invitation, it remains easy to rush into doing without the pausing that can so powerfully change the trajectory of the day.

Anyway, during the weird and wonderful window between Christmas and New Year, I have practised pausing, in between excessively enjoying myself. One of my reflections has been about the double-sided reality of everything, including us, life, the year we are about to end and the one we’re about to begin.

2024 like every year before and however many more we are granted, has its own unique challenges and gifts. While we all prefer the gifts, it is usually the challenges that offer the greater opportunity for learning and growth, when we choose to accept them.

I often hear myself telling people, ‘It’s not what happens to us but the way we respond that matters.’ I love this. At least I do until a personalised shit bomb explodes in my face bringing my own words back to taunt me! One must at least try to practice what one preaches!

An area I’ve started to work on and will continue to prioritise in 2025, is enlarging my shit coping capacity! God, please note this is not a request for more tests! At least not until I’ve fully recovered from the last one, please!

Now on the brink of 2025, when I look back, I am filled with gratitude. There were large portions of 2024 where I was drowning in ingratitude. The upgrade in attitude was a slow, painful one. So, when I saw something on Facebook asking for a word to describe 2024, I chose ‘mixed’. This is because it was the special gift of friends who loved me through the worst of times, that bought balance to my experience. However, the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to change my word to ‘educational’.

For 2024 is the year that I have realised in a more embodied way than ever before, that every day really is a school day. The older I get, the more I realise that I really know very little about very little. And that is ok. Especially as I have an even bigger appetite for learning, than I do for cake (honest, although Christmas may be an exception due to a friend’s home-made Christmas cake, nom, nom, nom).

What really excites me is realising afresh that God is the ultimate teacher who knows mine and everyone else’s preferred style of learning. He knows whether our brains are wired in a neurotypical or neurodiverse way, as well as our preference for visual, experiential or whatever other fancy arse learning styles whose names I can’t remember. In my case, it’s the serial making of messes and mistakes style of learning. God teaches us however we learn best because he wants us to learn and grow … this is what living things do.

I’ve finally realised that when this student is ready, I see the teacher is all around me, always has been and always will be. And I realise that I have been a very inconsistent student because I’m usually so busy trying to do everything I love that I miss what is right in front of me.

How grateful I am that God is a patient teacher who shows me the same lesson as many times as I need to see it. At least I am when I start to get it. I’m not such a great student when amid a shit show so intense I can’t see beyond it. And that’s where those amazing people otherwise known as friends come in to save the day and spare me from totally losing the plot. I see all those precious people who sit with me in my suffering when I struggle to sit with myself, as gifts from God Almighty. You can’t buy that. (but you can pray in the ability to give and to receive it).

There really is learning in all parts of life. I have come to recognise that the challenges I resist and resent the most, usually offer the most enriching, expanding, enhancing lessons, when I surrender to learning them! These challenges contain the ‘gift of growth’ that is concealed within a challenge that we often wish to bypass or return to sender.

In 2024, I have been fortunate to witness a close friend receive a gift from God in the form of a beautiful baby. How wonderful to feel and savour that unique new human smell! And to be reminded through their wide-eyed wonder of the magic of life despite the sorrow.

At the other end of life, I have sat with a friend whose body is dying thanks to the ravages of the life stealing shitbag, that is cancer. This reality magnifies the truth that the most important part of life is and always will be, loving people with our presence.

There is nothing more important than being with each other, at the start, the end and all the highs and lows in between birth and death. That’s it right there … the overriding lesson of 2024 and every other year … to love and be loved; in joy and sorrow, life and death.

And so, as we prepare to cross from 2024 into a brand spanking new year, maybe we could commit to carrying this spirit of Christmas, aka the spirit of love, right through to Christmas 2025 and beyond.

I know I’ll need a lot of help from on high to practice this! But I also know that when it comes from a sincere heart, it’s the type of prayer that God is all over!

Happy New Year all.

Try, fail, reflect, repeat!

Recently, I have absolutely relished the freedom to go out to play; to watch films, eat out, dance until my body reminds me that I am not as young as I once was (who is?) and to sing worship to my God at Church.

Who knows how long this will last now that Omicron is on track for the fastest spreader so far.

But whilst restrictions have remained largely at bay, I have been reminded of the importance of fun.

How easy it is to lose sight of this in the presence of all things adult-ing.

In this respect I have regularly lost sight of fun throughout this last year. I don’t think any year is typically all bad or all good but this one certainly feels like it has swung more in to the not good box.

I often wonder why it is that I learn so much more from my mistakes. Perhaps it is the simple reality that pain jolts me in to paying attention. There is nothing like a big arse ouch to make me sit up and take note.

As I reflect on the year, I see a pattern of poor decision making. I didn’t know they were poor decisions at the time. I thought I was being … open to new possibilities!

But I quickly discovered the prompt emergence of a sinking heart, an overwhelming amount of stress and or a combination of both are pretty good indicators that something is not right!

What I have practised this year is recognising when I have got myself in to something that asks too much or delivers too little, that it is I who need to take responsibility for my error and get myself back out pronto.

The culture I live in which unfortunately lives within me at least until I excavate and examine it fully, tells me that I must always put others first (especially as a female and Christian).

Like absolutely everything else in life, this needs to be within context rather than an absolute blanket approach to all.

Sometimes an ingrained belief that one must not fail others can actually leave me failing the first person I am actually responsible for AKA myself.

And when I fail myself too often or for too long, I begin to fail or at least to malfunction or cease to flourish or have much to offer others. This is not a win, win scenario!

Learning what is not right for me has been at least as important this year as learning what is. It’s just that the growth and learning that accompany getting it wrong, is more painful!

In that respect, this year has seen quite the growth spurt!

But I accept that sometimes I just have to have a go in order to find out if something works or not.

I win some, I lose some.

So as I proceed towards the end of this year, I definitely want to carry within me a renewed understanding that when something does not work, I need to abandon it, NOT myself.

I don’t consider that to be a bad lesson to take from the year!

And I certainly don’t want to forget that in the face of all this trying, failing, reflecting and repeating, I must hold on to FUN, for it is this that enables me to reconnect with my own spontaneity, aliveness, humour and capacity to keep having a go!