Life - The middle phase in life ...

The Queen: A life well lived.

Like millions of others, I watched the Queen’s funeral on Monday.

I found the service deeply moving.

The reading of Psalm 34:17:19 jumped out to me and is worthy of including here …

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers them out of them all.

As I am yet to meet a human whose life remains untouched by troubles, I think this is incredibly encouraging for us all.

As I watched the Queen’s funeral and cried and reflected upon what I saw about the life of this woman known the world over, I concluded, rightly or wrongly, that the Queen must have been profoundly loved. I came to this conclusion because of the multiple images of the Queen smiling, at this crowd or that, this individual or the other. Now of course we all have our game faces. However, the smile that she is so famous for is not forced nor does it fail to reach her eyes and the only way anyone can smile like that for prolonged periods is when it comes from within. Hence my opinion that she must have been deeply loved to have allowed said love to shine through her so sincerely for so many decades and to so many humans.

I very much respected the Queen’s acknowledgement of and referral to her faith. To my thinking, the love that shone through her was probably largely of the Almighty as well as from her husband and wider family. Many have written of Prince Philips supporting role for the Queen. A supportive love that spanned so many decades, I can only imagine her sense of loss thereafter.

As I watched Prince Charles, I warmed to him even more for the humanity he revealed over the pen that wasn’t working! Such trivial things are irritating but in the throes of the type of new and raw grief that he will be in, usual patience and tolerance levels can dip dramatically. I found myself wondering how he must be feeling faced with the task of following in the wake of a woman such as the Queen. And then I found myself thinking that actually, our new King need not follow in his mother’s footsteps but the deeply original footsteps that the same God Almighty has called, prepared and equipped him to take at this time.

King Charles will never be his mother but neither need he be. He will be able to reign over this country in a way that only he can if he follows his own relationship with God and the steps God calls him to take. I am curious to see how he adapts to this role that he has spent a lifetime preparing for.

I also wondered about the personal cost to all the family members who had to fulfil the roles assigned to them, so publicly, in such an early time of grief. I only hope and pray that each will find sufficient space and time, in private, amongst loved ones, to allow their grief to be felt and processed.

Whilst we are led to believe that grief is a quick thing that magically disappears after the funeral, the reality is way messier, with no set time or pattern. Grief is as unique as the relationship between the bereaved and deceased. And contrary to popular belief, it is not only time that is required to heal but also space and self care.

As I acknowledged my own feelings of sadness at the passing of such an incredible, inspirational, dedicated human being, I found myself wishing for one more address from the Queen. I wished that she had recorded a video for us with one more message of common sense and wisdom, encouraging us to work and play nicely together and to support her son in fulfilling his own commitment to us as whole heartedly as she had. And to remind us, that we will meet again. I wished for this whilst also recognising that this longing has accompanied my own grieving process for people that I have loved and lost when their lives have ended unexpectedly or without goodbyes.

I also noticed how the sombreness of the day was interspersed with moments of celebratory shouts and cheers. The process of grieving is to acknowledge and honour our own feelings of sadness or anything else whilst also beginning to feel gratitude and joy for the life that person lived and the time we had to enjoy them.

Death, loss, endings and grief are unavoidable.

How we choose to engage with life is deeply personal and when I look at the life and the death of the Queen, I see a life well lived.

When Death Comes …

The cycles of nature teach us much about death and life

We don’t like to talk about death in our English culture.

We don’t like to talk about anything even remotely unpleasant really. Instead we adopt a mentality of, if I don’t look, see, or speak of said unpleasantness, I can simply pretend it is not so.

Yet such a passive approach falls rather majorly short in the face of the unpleasantness of death itself, with all its unflinching finality. We may not look, see or speak of the business of death openly, but when death comes to someone you love, you feel it with very fibre of your being.

And it feels …

Incomprehensible.

Surreal.

Irreversible.

Shocking.

Unbelievable.

Painful.

It stuns you in to slow motion. A daze and a haze that you haul yourself back from in order to undertake your day to day responsibilities. You can’t quite get your head around how said person can no longer be here. Yet you know that this is unarguably the case.

There is a gap. One that no one and no thing can fill.

Nor is it wise to try. And I have tried very hard with chilli peanuts and cake (not together) but food is so NOT the answer to the absence of life that death creates. Ditto alcohol/drugs/spending/suppressant of choice.

At least this is my experience. Yours may be vastly different. Or there may be some parallels. I don’t know. All I do know is that we need to talk about the difficult stuff, especially this death stuff.

Because as much as we look away,
denying our own and others decay,
death is here
and it’s here to stay.

And we need to talk about this cold, hard reality. Or rather, I know I do.

Because otherwise we risk failing to receive the fullness of the gift that life itself offers. For if death remains swept under the carpet or branded taboo or off limits, we give it the power and potential to destroy us from within. Maybe through an unspoken or unconscious fear that can paralyse us from engaging with life or risk. For some, a hardening of the heart in a misguided attempt to protect the existing pain whilst seeking to insure against more. Either option guarantees a death of sorts. The worst kind of death, the death experienced whilst still alive.

How can we ensure we don’t simply settle for a safe-chasing existence of mere survival, without facing up to the reality that death will come to us all. And in its own often unpredictable or even premature timing. We are powerless to stop it.

Yet paradoxically, by engaging with the presence of death, we can get real about the opportunities of life. We can re-evaluate in what, who, where, and for why, we want to invest our love, energy and talents. We can stop to question ourselves afresh.

What is my purpose?

What am I here for?

And what am I doing about that?

I never heard of anyone on their death bed uttering the words, ‘I’m so gutted I made the time to honestly and regularly review my life to identify where I was, where I wanted to be and what steps were required to get me from one to the other.’ Or, ‘I regret taking those risks, following my dreams, or committing my life to serving a purpose greater than myself.’ Or even, ‘if only I’d loved fewer people or held more grudges’.

And yet all too many of us ‘live’ our lives too afraid to be who we are, too cautious to pursue the dreams that arise within us again and again, too oppressed by the opinions of others, real or imagined, to actually risk releasing our own potential and to the benefit of all. Or for some, simply too set upon seeking security in the financial to risk pursuing the meaningful.

Others simply shut down their hearts, refusing to love if they’ve already lost. Whilst some engage in futile attempts to deny deaths reality by fighting the facts of ageing.

We all struggle in some way or another, consciously or unconsciously, with accepting death as a non-negotiable component of life.

Yet death is a given for all for which there is no avoidance, no escape, no get out of death free card.

I was going to write, no get out of life, alive, card. But of course, that depends upon your beliefs. Whilst many consider Heaven to be a defence against death on the part of those of us who believe, I consider a lack of belief to be a potential defence against the ultimate giver of life, by those who don’t. I’m talking here of the kind of life that is only possible following a total surrender to the only one who is able to take any of our lives from the natural to the supernatural. (Still got my L plates on here personally)

But, whatever our beliefs, it’s time to face up to the truth that death will come.

And the clock will continue to tick.

We need to wake up people.

You.

Me.

Us.

We need to live like we know that life is not an ongoing offer with no end point. It’s limited. It has an expiry date. I do. You do. We all do.

And amidst the mix of allowing space to grieve for the lost, loved one, the big question remains; what are we going to do about the reality of death?

Or more importantly, how will we allow it to influence how we engage with life?

Endings and beginnings …

It’s a whole, brand new year brimming with possibilities for new beginnings …

And yet in order to fully engage with these, it is sometimes necessary to look beyond the well-meaning intentions of new years resolutions that seldom make it in to February. Sometimes we actually need to step right back from our lives in order to really see those things that may actually be obstructing or restricting us from entering in to all that a new year has to offer.

As I reflect back on this time last year, I recall being in a distinctly difficult place. I was painfully aware that important parts of my life were not working. Yet to really allow myself to take a long, hard look at said areas, was not only painful, but also required me to act upon what I saw.

It was hard and I was afraid.

Like most of the human species, I can at times allow myself to remain in painful situations, simply because they feel safe via their familiarity or I’m just not sure what else to do.

Fear of the unknown can keep us bound to that which we know. Even when it prevents us from growth and health.

Back when I looked in to the mouth of 2017, I felt a fear borne of knowing that I could not simply repeat another year like the one before. Yet I also feared not knowing what change would bring. I needed courage and vast amounts of it in order to take the leap of faith that would release me from that which was hindering me, that I could go in search of that which could support me.

I had no guarantee at that point of what I would discover or where I would land. I simply knew that I could not remain where I was. I needed to execute some endings in order to allow for new beginnings. It was a risk. One that others didn’t necessarily understand. But stronger than the fear of others misjudgement of my motives, was the knowing that it is I and I alone who is responsible for doing what I know to be right, even when it scares me.

But before I took that leap, I did a review of those who did see and who did understand my predicament. It was then with their love and support that I was able to leave the familiar, to enter unknown territory.

Now, as I look back through 2017, I am amazed by much that has happened. It took me a full decade to fulfil my dream to become a fully trained, accredited Psychotherapist. Yet after the explorations that followed taking said leap in 2017, I began to walk in to some of those other dreams too.

And I finally found the place of encouragement and support that my soul had dared to believe existed.

Wow.

Feeling grateful to the God who calls and equips us all for the ultimate, personally designed adventure in to the unknown. A God who provides what and who we need to continue pursuing these paths. When and if He can ever get us to relinquish that life stealing ‘better the devil you know’ mentality.

Had I been too afraid to let go of that which was obstructing my pathway, 2017 would have been a mere repetition of 2016. Ditto if I hadn’t had the encouragement of those rare and precious individuals who believed in me when I struggled to believe in myself.

Looking even further back, I recognise that it was the trials of 2016 that prepared me to commit 2017 to addressing that which I had previously refused to see or address, thus allowing it to hold me back.

Now, as I face 2018, having wholly committed myself to the ongoing adventure of allowing God to guide me in to what is unknown to me, but totally known to Him, I feel ready to be released in to … I don’t know what! Yet acknowledging that I am not in control but that God is, feels like the most secure yet exciting position I could ever be in!

As I reflect, I realise that there is much that happens in our lives from year to year that we cannot predict or prevent. Yet we can always choose whether we will add to our own suffering by refusing to face the situations in our lives that are within our control and responsibility.

I needed to make a choice this time last year to see that which was painful to see, that I could disentangle myself from it, thus releasing myself in to the ongoing journey of freedom, growth and health.

Whilst I do not know what kind of years you have had recently, I do know that none of us need stay in the sort of situations that cause us pain, when it is possible for us to release ourselves.

I have been reminded in a personally, painful way this Christmas, that whilst we sometimes settle for suffering by postponing the changes we need to make, life does not go on forever. For some, life will end prematurely in 2018.

Now, none of us get another chance at doing things differently in 2017 or any earlier years. We can’t go back. We can’t undo. We can’t rewrite. But what we can do with whatever time and life each of us has remaining, is make a choice to face up to and throw off all that hinders us, that we may wholly embrace all that lays before us.

I don’t know what you need to be willing to open your eyes to see, or what action you need to take to address it, but I do know that none of us need to despair that we are stuck repeating the same year forever more. Not when there is one who is willing to help, one who doesn’t need to be banished from mind and heart simply because the season of Christmas is ending. For God Himself is just waiting for the word from you, to step in and help you to overcome whatever may be attempting to prevent you from entering in to all that 2018 has for you.

Of course, every year brings its own trials and heartaches, but we can choose not to add to these, by facing and addressing those situations that are within our responsibility to do so.

What do you need to see and address to allow you to really embrace 2018?

It’s CHRISTMAS … !

I LOVE Christmas.

I always have done and it hasn’t diminished with age. I love everything about it from the sparkly lights, to the cheddar loaded films, to the feasting and dancing of Christmas parties, to the gift choosing, the making of mince pies, the sound of carols and of course, all that wonderful food.

Why on earth do I always wait until December to enjoy the sumptuous goodness of pigs in blankets?

I just love Christmas.

But, I have a not before the 1st rule. As in, I don’t start Christmas before the 1st of December. But, once started, it continues for the entire month.

However, this year I broke my own rule, because as I was meandering around Hitchin market during the last week of November I unexpectedly stumbled across a Christmas tree stall. As in real Christmas trees. We weren’t allowed these as kids due to my mother’s aversion to mess but as I like real, living things I opt for the real McCoy every year. So when a super cute, short, fat tree caught my eye, I just knew that I had to have it. As in immediately! So I bought the car round, paid for the tree and bundled it in.

I justified my rule breaking by telling myself that I wouldn’t dress it before the 1st. However, as soon as I got home I found myself clambering up to the loft to drag down the decorations.

Later that night I couldn’t resist adding both baubles and lights to the tree. And of course, I discovered that I would need an additional plug socket to facilitate the lights. How is it that this happens every single year?

Anyway, I was delighted to discover that the tree wasn’t wonky. Despite my best efforts to the contrary, I had a run of years where I kept ending up with wonky Christmas trees, much to the amusement of one of my friends. (You know who you are!)

As I’d officially started my own Christmas season, I thought I may as well go the whole hog by baking my first batch of mince pies. I was subsequently pleased to discover courtesy of those within my house group that I have not lost my touch. Yum and yay!

And so it was that Christmas started early for me this year. I’m glad. Especially as last Christmas didn’t feel like Christmas. I had major aspects of my life that weren’t working and required addressing and as such the whole season had a pretty sombre feel to it. All the more reason as far as I’m concerned to have a double portion of Christmas cheer this year!

We can’t stop the inevitable tough seasons of trial and change but what we can do, is embrace the good ones with both hands. On the understanding, that these too shall pass!

Now, a few weeks in to my Christmas month, I’ve bought most my gifts, I’ve had my first Christmas party, I’ve bought new frocks in preparation for the next three Christmas parties and I’ve watched numerous Christmas films.

I’m always struck by the themes of these Christmas films which are often about paying attention to the wisdom of the heart and having the courage to follow it. Whilst this is exaggerated to the extreme within most of these films, they still serve to remind us of the importance of the heart as way more than an organ that pumps blood around the body.

A message that can all too easily become lost within our culture with its dogged determination to have us believe we can simply bypass our hearts by ruling ourselves with an iron mind. Which of course we can, but we are very much deluding ourselves if we imagine we can do so without cost or consequence.

Afterall, it is via our hearts that love flows.

To this end, the Christmas season has much to remind us about what really matters in life. That when we strip back all that surrounds Christmas, what we are left with is the birthday of a God who came to show us what love is. And who amongst us longs for more than to love and be loved? For is it not love that gives us the ultimate reason for living, especially through the hard times?

And of course Christmas can be an extremely difficult time for many. The constant onslaught of imagery depicting ‘perfect happy families’ can be decidedly difficult to swallow if this is far from your own experience or you’re in the midst of a season of struggle or loss. We cannot simply conjure up bonhomie on demand because we’re in December.

But, what each of us can do irrespective of whether we are relishing the run up to Christmas or counting down the days til it’s over, is to extend a little extra love to ourselves and to others. Because isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

Did Curiosity REALLY kill the cat?

Whilst driving home from a recent thought provoking conversation with a friend, I found my mind pondering the above.

Said friend is someone I trained with so invariably our talk turned to deeper themes like death, the role it plays in how we live and whether we are willing to do the work of making our dreams a reality. This ended with us discussing the crucial role of curiosity, along with our culture of curbing it.

Afterwards as I reflected upon our conversation, the saying, ‘Curiosity killed the cat’, came to mind. In our risk averse, fear driven culture, we can all too often use this saying to shut down anyone who dares to be curious as to whether there may be other ways of seeing, being or living, aside from those accepted by the unthinking majority as being the norm. Or worse still, as being ‘safe’. There is of course a time for being safe, but as an ethos for life, it’s more akin to settling for a psychological/spiritual death-in-life.

What particularly struck me is how readily we can throw such sayings about with little thought or exploration as to the original or intended meaning.

Yet further investigation revealed that the original saying was actually, ‘care kills the cat’, with the use of ‘care’ in this context meaning worry or sorrow. Even that’s not the full picture but if you are curious enough, google it yourself!

My issue with this saying is that curiosity can be marketed as a life-threatening condition. Despite the potential when exercised with wisdom, to be quite the opposite. For curiosity gives us permission to wonder, explore, imagine, play, envision and create, brand new ways of seeing, thinking, being and ultimately, living. It can be the birthplace of dreams, the beginning of change, the place of pioneering.

What is your curiosity calling you to explore?

I’ll end by returning to my initial question. Did curiosity really kill the cat? If so, which life, just the last or all nine? Either way, would curiosity be such a bad way for a cat to go?

As a human (mostly), death by curiosity doesn’t sound bad to me, at all. Whereas to die, or much worse to live, by apathy for example, would be truly horrendous.

My curious little bugger of a cat, who is still very much alive!

NOW is the time, to just say … Yes!

Last week I bumped in to a good friend of mine, which meant that we got to enjoy an impromptu lunch together. How I love unexpected gifts like these!

Anyway, having witnessed much of my personal ongoing journey of healing and growth, said friend has been encouraging me for quite some time to start sharing my insights through my writing.

I’ve postponed and procrastinated and made a whole heap of lame excuses.

But the truth is that writing has been my passion since I was a child. My journal was my go to, way before I reached double figures. It’s instinctive for me. It’s what I do to make sense of myself and my experience in the world. I write. I need to write like I need to breath. And yet, again and again, over the years, this, my first passion, has been pushed to the back.

So as I listened to the catalogue of excuses pouring out of my mouth and in to my friend’s ears that day, I realised something.

NOW is the time, to just say yes!

How often do we delay the very things in life that we want most? Often whilst committing our time and energy to stuff that doesn’t really interest us. (And I’m not talking day to day responsibilities that none amongst us are exempt from).

I made a decision that day I met my friend.

No more excuses.

No more delaying tactics.

No more polishing up on my procrastination skills.

I would simply start. Right here. Right now. And allow whatever follows as I commit to making the space to write, to lead me on a journey in to I don’t know where. The unknown is beckoning. Which for me, is absolutely where the magic and the miraculous can collide with the mundane and the mess.

I’m excited …

Please feel free to join me as I embark upon this journey of ‘just saying yes’ to sharing my writing on here. Love it or hate it, I invite you to share your comments along the way.

And maybe, just maybe, you could consider what it is in your life that NOW is the time, to just say yes to!

Here goes …