Love - Life is calling

Fam-i-lee

According to the online Encyclopaedia substitute that is Google, one of the definitions for the word Family is …

“ … all the descendants of a common ancestor…’

That means you, me and us. Somewhere along the line.

Family is the foundation upon which our relational templates are created. However, all too often the word family brings up associations of heartache/estrangements/bereavement/loss/misunderstandings/illness and all the other crap that relationships can bring.

Family is everything. It is nearly impossible to have a conversation that does not involve the subject of family. We are surrounded by signs that speak of family. Even house furnishings are full of slogans about family or even just couples. I don’t see house signs about how great it is to be single and not to have to fight over the sofa, the remote control, the menu, the washing up, the temperature or anything else. Or about how freeing it is to only have people you want to have in your house and to set your own time boundaries about when you want them to go!! Perhaps I have identified a gap in the market! If I didn’t already have about 8000 creative projects on the go, I may have followed this up!

Some of us have experienced abuse at the hands of our family. For us, the constant barrage of ‘what a blessing family are’, can feel like the slap around the chops that just keeps slapping. While no family is all good or all bad, but more a mix of somewhere in between, being constantly reminded that your family falls more into the unhealthy category is not always helpful.

Fortunately, at the age of fifty, I have been able to grow beyond my family experiences. I can now fully see and accept the incredible ‘family’ of people that God has surrounded me with over the past twenty years.

On Saturday, I celebrated my fiftieth party with many of the people who make up my present-day family. As I gave my speech, I looked out at this family of mine and I thought,

“Wow, what a beautiful, colourful, phenomenal family I have”.

And I thought of the quote that says it takes an entire village to raise a child. I realised that it has taken a huge and growing family of people who all started as strangers, to bring me through the worst three years of my adult life. In other words, it has taken a huge amount of people to love me through the lingering effects of the childhood abuse from my own family.

Within the context of family we can get hurt and we can get healed. If we are lucky, we experience both within the same family. But only when each party has the courage to own their part.

When we are unlucky in so far as we have family who cannot own their part, we may need to seek our healing within the context of family that exists way beyond the biological.

The way I see life is that God deals us all a set of cards; some we love and some we do not.

I did not enjoy the abusive atmosphere I grew up (it wasn’t all bad and there is much I am thankful for too), but God gave me a gift for going out into the world and connecting with people wherever I go.

Right from adolescence I met my best friend at junior school and spent as much time as possible at her home. It was full of people (she is one of seven siblings!), dogs, cockatiels and LIFE. I liked being there and I did not like being at my home. I am very grateful for her and for all the amazing family’s who followed, who have also embraced me.

It was the family in New Zealand who loved me so much, I wanted to find out about their Jesus, who subsequently became my Jesus! Living with them on their dairy farm in the middle of nowhere was like experiencing a personalised rehab program. I quit smoking, drinking and taking drugs and took up photographing flowers, baking cakes and singing for Jesus (and inhaling sugar so much I gained two stones!). Transformation!

I’ve since been part of four churches in the twenty years since I’ve known Jesus. I have lots of amazing memories and a few questionable ones! And they may say the same about me!

But now, at the age of fifty, I realise I have an incredible family made up of those who share my faith and those who don’t. I don’t need to surround myself with people who only look, sound and think like me (boring!). I love to meet and to learn from people who are different to me. Even within my incredible church family who have given me love and stability for the past sixteen years, we don’t necessarily share the same theology on all subjects. But in a healthy family, there is room for difference and disagreement.

I am very grateful for every member of my family – if their heart has touched mine, they are in my family.

I am also learning that not everyone belongs in my family. God is teaching me about boundaries – a key skill that you don’t learn in an abusive family. But my blossoming boundaries mean that if a person is behaving in a way I find questionable, I will put a different boundary in to guard my own heart and health! And if they don’t like that, that’s a ‘them problem’!

In this season, I am celebrating family … as the people who show up for me in my time of need as well as in my time of celebration.

I am so thankful for every member of my family and I will do all I can to support and celebrate each of them. I do have limitations and I am learning about boundaries as I need to be wise about protecting my energy, especially post burnout.

But, I have learned that the family we choose for ourselves and who choose us back are a two-way blessing. A win/lose is a lose for me. And my God is the God of the win/win. Wha-hey!

Marley models redemption

Recently my partner and I watched One Love at the cinema (not Cine-yukky- tech-stress inducing-world). What jumped out was how young Marley was when he died at just thirty-six. I still don’t know whether this could have been avoided if he’d got his trotter sorted earlier. The other thing was how broken he was before he picked himself back up to start what would be the last run of his music. The one that resulted in the Redemption song.

Like a lot of us, I love a true story. Even more when people show their real struggles, how they find their way through and how they live with whatever their set of challenges are. Anyone who practises super shiny polished ‘I’ve got all my shit together’ persona’s, turn me right off. Let’s face it, bs stinks; our own or other peoples.

Personally, I love all things music, I just lack musical ability. But I love listening to it, singing, feeling it and dancing. My church very graciously allows me to sing in their worship team. This despite having a deficit of technical skills. I dread the request, ‘Jo, give us a C’, as I have nought knowledge about any letters of the musical alphabet.

However, I do love singing to and about God even if it is with more enthusiasm than ability or finesse. And I’ve always loved to dance. Upon seeing a circular area on the waiting area of Argos many years ago with the music playing overhead, my eyes lit up. When my friend saw me she knew exactly what I was thinking and immediately urged me ‘don’t Jo, just don’t’! I wasn’t as free from people pleasing back then so I didn’t! But these days if the urge to dance takes me, I go with it! It’s no issue for me to hurl myself around a dancefloor completely unaccompanied while drinking nothing stronger than H20.

But back to Bob, who I thought and still think is a legend. I love Bob’s music which has ministered to me at numerous times, in numerous ways over the years. Once when awaiting a plane at an American Airport, I was feeling very distressed. Suddenly, I noticed that’s Bob’s song, ‘Don’t worry’, was playing in the Airport lounge. It made me smile when I feared it would be a while before I managed anything remotely resembling one of those! It was like God Himself drew my ears to the music and my heart to the lyrics. As if wanting to reassure me that I would be ok and I was not forgotten by Him or alone with my upset. God basically used the music of Marley to reach me when I was miles away from anyone else who may have reached me.

As for the ‘three little birds’ song, obviously I LOVE this song!!

Anyway, I’m writing about Bob because during a recent discussion, his drug taking came up. For some, I think this may get him and his music written off as ‘bad’. But for me, whether you approve or disapprove of Marleys leanings or lifestyle, he preached love through his music. And he modelled redemption through his actions. Was he perfect? No, but are any of us?

I’m not sure how accurate the film was but it showed Marley look the guy who shot him in the eye and forgive him. I think the shootee aka Marley was releasing the shooter from any kind of debt. He reminded the shootee that he could free himself from slavery to anything other than love. He had a choice just like we all do.

I’m certainly grateful that God has redeemed me from my many years of messiness. And that within his love, I can continue to seek deeper levels of freedom. This isn’t a place I get to but a commitment to continue learning along the way. Freedom deepens when I recognise what is holding me back, down, or away from the fullest version of this thing called life. (usually me!). And then choose to actively do something about it!

It’s CHRISTMAS … !

I LOVE Christmas.

I always have done and it hasn’t diminished with age. I love everything about it from the sparkly lights, to the cheddar loaded films, to the feasting and dancing of Christmas parties, to the gift choosing, the making of mince pies, the sound of carols and of course, all that wonderful food.

Why on earth do I always wait until December to enjoy the sumptuous goodness of pigs in blankets?

I just love Christmas.

But, I have a not before the 1st rule. As in, I don’t start Christmas before the 1st of December. But, once started, it continues for the entire month.

However, this year I broke my own rule, because as I was meandering around Hitchin market during the last week of November I unexpectedly stumbled across a Christmas tree stall. As in real Christmas trees. We weren’t allowed these as kids due to my mother’s aversion to mess but as I like real, living things I opt for the real McCoy every year. So when a super cute, short, fat tree caught my eye, I just knew that I had to have it. As in immediately! So I bought the car round, paid for the tree and bundled it in.

I justified my rule breaking by telling myself that I wouldn’t dress it before the 1st. However, as soon as I got home I found myself clambering up to the loft to drag down the decorations.

Later that night I couldn’t resist adding both baubles and lights to the tree. And of course, I discovered that I would need an additional plug socket to facilitate the lights. How is it that this happens every single year?

Anyway, I was delighted to discover that the tree wasn’t wonky. Despite my best efforts to the contrary, I had a run of years where I kept ending up with wonky Christmas trees, much to the amusement of one of my friends. (You know who you are!)

As I’d officially started my own Christmas season, I thought I may as well go the whole hog by baking my first batch of mince pies. I was subsequently pleased to discover courtesy of those within my house group that I have not lost my touch. Yum and yay!

And so it was that Christmas started early for me this year. I’m glad. Especially as last Christmas didn’t feel like Christmas. I had major aspects of my life that weren’t working and required addressing and as such the whole season had a pretty sombre feel to it. All the more reason as far as I’m concerned to have a double portion of Christmas cheer this year!

We can’t stop the inevitable tough seasons of trial and change but what we can do, is embrace the good ones with both hands. On the understanding, that these too shall pass!

Now, a few weeks in to my Christmas month, I’ve bought most my gifts, I’ve had my first Christmas party, I’ve bought new frocks in preparation for the next three Christmas parties and I’ve watched numerous Christmas films.

I’m always struck by the themes of these Christmas films which are often about paying attention to the wisdom of the heart and having the courage to follow it. Whilst this is exaggerated to the extreme within most of these films, they still serve to remind us of the importance of the heart as way more than an organ that pumps blood around the body.

A message that can all too easily become lost within our culture with its dogged determination to have us believe we can simply bypass our hearts by ruling ourselves with an iron mind. Which of course we can, but we are very much deluding ourselves if we imagine we can do so without cost or consequence.

Afterall, it is via our hearts that love flows.

To this end, the Christmas season has much to remind us about what really matters in life. That when we strip back all that surrounds Christmas, what we are left with is the birthday of a God who came to show us what love is. And who amongst us longs for more than to love and be loved? For is it not love that gives us the ultimate reason for living, especially through the hard times?

And of course Christmas can be an extremely difficult time for many. The constant onslaught of imagery depicting ‘perfect happy families’ can be decidedly difficult to swallow if this is far from your own experience or you’re in the midst of a season of struggle or loss. We cannot simply conjure up bonhomie on demand because we’re in December.

But, what each of us can do irrespective of whether we are relishing the run up to Christmas or counting down the days til it’s over, is to extend a little extra love to ourselves and to others. Because isn’t that what Christmas is all about?