Relationships - Life is calling

Untwisting one’s knickers

As a member of humanity (on a good day), I am aware that us humans are prone to getting our knickers in a twist about all sorts of matters. NB, I am referring to men AND women.

What I mean is that recent experiences have highlighted how hard we sometimes find it to play nicely with each other. We are prone to looking around for fear that someone else is getting more good stuff than we are or that others are not having as hard a time as us! In other words, we do not always like, or know how to manage the differences between us, whether in circumstance (real or FB variety), position (real or imagined), beliefs or anything else.

Amid these differences sometimes we do not like each other or agree with each other. This is an inevitable part of being an honest adult. However, most of us did not learn in childhood how to handle disagreements or differences, let alone the vital emotion of anger, these can evoke, in any kind of an adult way. Subsequently, we each adopt whatever strategy feels safest. WHEN our anger gets evoked, the absence or lack of anger-handling-training in childhood usually leaves us unable to adopt an adult position on handling anger now.

Personally, I spent years fearing everyone’s anger including my own. This was because a certain family members’ anger was frightening and uncontained. I responded by depressing my anger or turning it in on myself through destructive behaviours. When I had the revelation that I was literally killing myself with drink and drug abuse, I realised I wanted to live. So, I got my backside (and the rest of me) into counselling. I have been fortunate enough to grow beyond my family’s limitations with the support of amazing counsellors. These held me while I have grown my capacity to handle this emotion in healthy, more adult ways (sometimes!). I am still learning; sometimes I do well and sometimes I do not.

However, every organisation full of people has its preferred approach to handling anger and conflict, whether this has been chosen passively, actively or even consciously or not. These typically tend to be total avoidance or overtly confrontational. Neither of which are healthy and both of which create additional problems.

As a therapist, I am of course bias, but I do believe that put simply, whatever we cannot talk about, we give permission to cause us and those around us avoidable problems.

The more we grow up emotionally (and humble ourselves to ask for help with this, when necessary), the more we can put our big girl/big boy pants on, to have uncomfortable conversations about matters we do not agree on. As adults we do not need to feel threatened by those whose life experience and subsequent beliefs, differ to our own. If we can manage our fear, we can learn from each other. And as we are all learning, this process can be messy and made up of times of where we get things wrong and we need to practice bearing with one another.

I learn experientially through the multiple making of messes and mistakes. And God, in his grace and patience, works with me to work through, learn from and clean up these messes! I always feel so much better when I accept his help to clear up my messes rather than leaving them to fester and grow. What an amazing God he is!! And the bigger the mess, the bigger the potential for learning. Every cloud.

Part of what I am currently learning is that when I feel judged, misunderstood and even subsequently punished, I feel angry. While anger is a sign of health which indicates the presence of sufficient self-esteem, what one does with this anger can be healthy or unhealthy. When I rant, rage and judge those I feel judged by, it doesn’t take long to realise I am doing the exact same thing I feel so repelled by the other doing to me!

Having the honesty to see and acknowledge this is SO liberating when we can reign our necks in enough to do so! And it disarms the whole ‘my way is better than yours, I am right – you are wrong, I’m elevating myself to an imagined position of self-righteousness’, that we seem so compelled to promote ourselves to!!! Instead God leads us beyond my way, or yours, in to a third way, which is His and ALWAYS better than ours (or at least mine!)

I wonder whether the God who created our humanity finds all our hypocrisy as hilarious as I do! I like to think he does because he has the most incredible side-splitting sense of humour of anyone I have ever, not even met in person! And as one who has been gifted with a shit hot sense of humour (if not humility), I am also prone to swift, sense-of-humour failures. Especially when I get sucked in to playing the self-righteous/self-delusional game of bullshit!

Part of my own ongoing emotional growing up process is sharpening my ability to smell bullshit; my own or others. This is hugely aided by paying attention to the nudges of the Holy Spirit; what a gift this is when we have the courage to acknowledge it. Even more true when we accept it, even when it says something we dislike or find uncomfortable! Growing pains peops!

When I can reign in my roar of anger that was never safe for me to feel, let alone express, while growing up, I recognise that underneath there is often a cry from my heart. When I strip away the anger and bullshit that I have used to protect the vulnerability of my heart, I can see that I feel sad when I am treated a certain way by others. Historically I have responded to being misjudged by a particular people group, in certain organisations, by shrinking back, silencing myself and/or shutting down the flame of fury and with it, of life. This was what I learned to do to feel safe as a child.

The time of me doing this is now over.

God has taken his huge blowtorch to the dying embers of my dampened fire and lit it up with such power that I now need to learn how to put a fire guard in place for the protection of myself and those around me. The flames of passion and at times of fury, are burning brighter than ever before. As this is the polar opposite of shutting down, this new experience offers a steep learning curve where failing is an inevitable part of the adjustment.

I am now committed to learning how to work with handling this roaring fire without burning anyone, including myself. And how to protect these flames from being dampened or put out by the behaviour of others. To this end, I have recently started working with a new and fantabulous body psychotherapist. My ongoing commitment to learning, healing and growing is THE most fundamental part of what I bring to my own practice. And given that the first session ended with us galloping across the room together, Miranda stylie, I am loving it!

But I am also starting to acknowledge that part of me is scared, because I know from personal and professional experience that if we commit to sit in a space with one qualified to hold it appropriately, we do not know what will emerge within it. When all parts of us feel safe enough, this is where the magic happens. The scared parts can become transformed through the sacred gift of acceptance that is fundamental to growth and integration.

Just like the world around us, when we go inside of ourselves to seek insight and change, there is always more to be discovered for those willing to find it.

How very exciting it is to be a human committed to staying alive enough to be challenged, confused, lost and ultimately able to keep unlearning, as well as learning, growing and healing.

Not to mention, learning how to untwist our knickers, when we hear ourselves getting all high and mighty about something, by reminding ourselves that we are NOT judge and jury – God is! And I for one am incredibly grateful that he is such a patient, gracious God who constantly reminds me how much I need his patience and grace – I think his hope is that the more I receive these from him, the more I may extend them to others. (A hope that is not always fulfilled!)

But I am learning and practising when to put my big girl pants on for tricksy conversations, in addition to when to untwist my knickers quickly. This leads to practicing playing more nicely with others irrespective of whether they are wearing their grown-up pants or have their knickers in a twist – that’s a matter for them and God, just as me and my pants/knickers are between God and I.

And, WHEN, we get things wrong or handle situations poorly, as I regularly find myself doing, especially during this new flame management process, let us practice putting our paws up, owning our errors and apologising appropriately and swiftly. If we need help to put our big girl/boy pants on to do this, I can vouch from repeated experience of God that he is very willing to do so! For what God is teaching me is that he is the God of the WIN/WIN which is not WIN/LOSE.

How I love learning!

Thank you, God, for being such an amazeballs teacher who helps all of us children learn how to play more nicely together, by focusing on the state of our own under garments! This makes for a less pants experience for all involved. And they don’t teach you that at school … at least not in this context!

The Mosaic of Mothering …

Mother and child exist not in isolation but within a greater community.

As I make my way through all the consumeristic displays that precede Mothering Sunday, I feel compelled to write.

Wherever I look, I’m confronted with cards and displays dressed with captions about the most wonderful mothers.

What about all those for whom this is not the reality, for whatever reason?

Now before I go any further, let me attempt to clarify my position. I believe that mothers and indeed fathers, have THE most important, challenging, testing, demanding, self-sacrificing, potentially heart breaking but equally rewarding job, that any human being can ever have. I really do.

And I regularly see the impact of where things go wrong, within my work.

I have been fortunate enough to have been mothered by various women at different times, in different ways. I am grateful to each. But as I have no children of my own I cannot profess to know what it is to be a mother, because put simply, I don’t. But I have talked with and more importantly listened to, many who are mothers. Whilst these conversations in no way qualify me to know what it is to be a mother, I have often been astounded, impressed, humbled and amazed by many women’s capacity to give to their children. Many offer the gift that just keeps giving.

I’ve noticed that the production of a child (miraculous enough in itself) usually results in the appearance of a mind blowing and seemingly endless supply of resourcefulness that allows a mother to rise to the relentless and varied demands of mothering a child. I’ve been repeatedly struck by the ability of a mother to pretty much turn her hand to anything including the creation of something from virtually nothing, when attempting to meet her child’s needs. This creativity alone is to be applauded. I am in awe!

As such I have the utmost respect for many such mothers in their quest to love, protect and provide for their children.

How women manage to work in addition to the nonstop business of mothering, particularly in the absence of a partner, is quite beyond me. I don’t just throw my hat off to these women, I throw it sky high and beyond. Total respect.

I’ve also noticed that most mothers worry about what they’ve done right, what they could have done differently and any subsequent impact upon their children. I respect their humility, whilst only being able to imagine at the discomfort of considering the inevitability of what doesn’t go so well and how this is managed.

I have the incredible privilege of working with many individuals who are willing and able, with some assistance, to invest their time and energy examining their own unresolved pain from childhood and in doing so, reducing the knock-on effect upon their own children. My respect for these individuals knows no limits.

The truth is that there is no such thing as a perfect mother or parent.

At least not in human form.

We’re all flawed, parent or not.

But as my training has taught me, we all need a good enough mother, especially but not exclusively during our formative years. Of course, what this looks like could be cause for discussion.

What is clear is that mothers deserve acknowledgement and support in recognition of the enormity and importance of their job. I think most of us would agree with the quote about it taking a community to raise a child. I wonder if we would also agree that it equally takes a community, not just a mother, to fail a child.

Therefore, as we enter Mothering Sunday, I consider it right and proper to stop to recognise and celebrate the amazing breed of women who grow, birth, raise and love their children. Absolutely. I don’t imagine any of us non-mothers, female or male, will ever truly appreciate the extent of the sacrifice.

But, is it really necessary when celebrating the monumental gift of mothering, to ignore those aspects of the mosaic of mothering that exist beyond the most wonderful?

Is it even really possible to truly value or appreciate the depth of the gift of mothering whilst only acknowledging part of the picture? Is it not the presence of all parts of a picture that give it meaning and context?

If we can celebrate the gift of mothering, can we not also acknowledge the enormity of the loss when it is absent or has failed?

In reality, Mother’s Day is indeed a joyous occasion for many, but not for all.

Not for those mother’s subject to a parent’s worst nightmare; the death of a child.

Or for those who have been coerced in to giving up their baby at birth and who go on to spend a lifetime longing for a reunion.

Or for those for whom their mother died in childbirth or prematurely from a tragic accident or illness.

And what of the mother who abandons, neglects or abuses her children or allows others to do so. Not to mention the adults those children become. Or for the mother who murders her child. All of which indicate a much bigger society sized issue which require a society shaped response.

The bottom line is that there are many people who just haven’t received adequate mothering, for a whole myriad of reasons, some of which I’ve stated above. This leaves a pain and loss, whose effects can be far reaching to the point of life destroying in the extreme, if left unaddressed. Not least in how we subsequently and often unconsciously, mother ourselves. And whilst we refuse to acknowledge this reality, we fail not only the struggling mother but also their children. The ripple effect of which impacts us all.

Part of the problem is that it is often considered socially unacceptable to even mention the fuller mosaic of mothering. At least openly or publicly. Culture forbids it.

Hence we see Mother’s day becoming seemingly more sugar coated with each passing year. As if somehow, by doing so, we can obscure if not obliterate the wider if more unsavoury reality. In doing this, we further isolate and separate those who not only see but experience the bigger picture, often to their detriment. We also dilute the meaning of truly outstanding mothers. All whilst failing to adequately address the underlying issues that cause severe failures, thus guaranteeing their perpetuation.

Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be this way.

Not if we can update the status of ‘struggling mothers’ from taboo, to ‘utmost importance’.

Before I end, there is another type of mother I consider worthy of a mention and that is those precious women who may not have given birth to us, but who have generously assisted us with the process of giving birth to our truest selves. Not that this process ever really ends.

I know many women who’ve had difficult relationships with their own mothers for all manner of reasons but who have also connected deeply with other women with whom they have formed special, maternal bonds. An especially precious union which benefits both.

Within my own life, I feel fortunate to have been mothered by a few over the years. But I shall remain especially grateful to the one who showed me over the best part of the last decade, what it is to be on the receiving end of the type of unconditional love that protected, encouraged, enjoyed, believed in and loved me, in spite of myself. For she remains a gift that only God Himself could have given. And as God Himself also took her away again earlier this year, I will grieve her recent death and her ongoing absence this Mother’s Day. But I will equally remember and treasure the gift of her love which lives on within me.

Equally, I shall mourn the impact of the unresolved generational issues surrounding mothering within my own family.

Both are real and true.

They do not cancel one another out.

They coexist.

And both have taught me much.

In summary, Mother’s Day can never offer one meaning for all when there is so much that makes up the mosaic of mothering.

Let us not reduce this Mother’s Day to a one-dimensional affair that excludes many whilst reducing the depth, context and meaning of any of it.

Let us each take the time this Mother’s Day to identify, recognise, appreciate and acknowledge the mothering we have each received, wherever it may have come from.

For it is truly a gift and not a given.

But let us equally acknowledge the pain for many of its absence.