Since Valentines Day is tomorrow, I felt to write a piece about a growing breed of us that I’m going to call the ‘smug singles’. This is an alternative take to the Bridget-Jones-inspired term, ‘smug marrieds’, which I’m reminded of as we approach the third and apparently final film offering.
So, I’m going to share my take on being a smug single. I do not see single-ness as any kind of excuse to skip celebrating Valentines Day, let alone as a lesser status. Love is the greatest gift that life can bring yet it comes in many forms reaching far and wide beyond those of the romantic. These range from pets, friends, family and the highest of the high, the giver of life himself.
To express my love for many, tonight I have delivered the last two of the ‘I can’t even remember how many I’ve written or sent’, Valentine’s cards. Because love is a cause for celebration in whatever form it presents, if it is healthy. I’ve sent cards on behalf of cats and dogs, whether the recipient has them or not, as I wasn’t as organised as I thought when I bought them. But who’s going to complain about receiving a card about love through the post, instead of a bill, just because they don’t have the referred to pet? At least this what I am counting on!! I’ll report back should the findings reveal a different reality!
Anyway, back to the subject of singleness – this is the ultimate opportunity to focus on and thoroughly spoil oneself. I seem to have started this the second 2025 arrived and I’m yet to stop. It could be an expensive year. But a fun one full of treats because although it’s taken the best part of half a century to learn it, I am finally putting in to practice that thing folk call self-love. At least on a totally different level to what I have before. And it’s great fun and full of pringle-esque qualities! I certainly wouldn’t ever expect another human to treat me to the phenomenal number of treats that I’m treating myself to!
One of such treats was my beloved monthly reflexology session this evening. This gives the gift of taking me to a whole new level of relaxation. Instead of my mind actively pursuing at least 6000 different trains of thought in any and every given moment, it was temporarily switched to standby mode. Utter luxury. I really didn’t want to be pulled back out of it! If only I knew how to do this myself, especially between the 3 – 5 am window of wakefulness. But anyway, in preparation for the reflexology, I even remembered to resist the call of those cupboard housing/hiding, chilli peanuts. A gift my reflexologist didn’t know I was giving but that felt important to me.
And in the name of love, I’ve been fortunate enough to have received three bunches of it from friends, in the form of flowers this week. I love flowers. I love the colours, the designs, the whole shebang. And I encourage my fellow flower lovers not to whine if no-one buys them flowers but to buy their own – at this time of year, finances ought not be a barrier when daffs are only a quid a go. Life is too short not to have fresh flowers in your face/house every day. I am thanking God for those hands that bought the hattrick of bouquets this week. These are now displayed around my home in addition to those I bought myself.
The beautiful man that I am new-ishly single from used to say he felt he couldn’t get a look in on buying me flowers as others always beat him to it. To which I replied that a woman, or at least this woman, can NEVER have too many flowers. Not only are they in vases all over the house but they’re printed on bedsheets, laptop covers, dresses, anywhere it’s possible to have the buggers!
Just to clarify, I was incredibly sad to separate from the special, sensitive and supportive soul that my ex is. I cried for three days straight acquiring myself an unsightly scab from excessive hooter blowing. But after the crying stopped and the scab healed, I found a new peace. This man could give the average Christian (including this one) a run for their money when it comes to consistently show casing the kindness of God. A true fact not to be misunderstood as bitterness but accepted as the fact that it is … for until us Christians can recognise and work on our flaws and weaknesses, we remain much poorer rep’s for God than we could be!
Anyway, while this sincere man supported me through the horrors of the past eighteen months and we learned much from each other, it was a mutual decision to separate. It was borne of the realisation that although we are a partial match, we are not a full enough match. And we both have enough courage, faith and self worth to hold out for a fuller match or simply stay solo. Plus, we love and respect each other enough to continue enjoying food and film nights together when time allows. Winning! Although he has told me straight that our dinner dates will be discontinued upon his successful recruitment of my replacement! Fair enough I say!
Back to the subject of smug single status, it was just after Christmas that I began to reflect on this as I listened to my seemingly ‘not-so-smug-after-all’ marrieds, discussing their stress and distress over spending Christmas with the in and out-laws. There was certainly no such stress for me. I spent every minute with people I love being with, indulging in activities I love indulging in. It was fabulous if exhausting.
I will add that I’m definitely not, ‘anti-marriage’. Not at all. I am fortunate enough to have a few friends that model marriage as a healthy place to live, love, learn, grow, and heal. They’ve each been through significantly shitty times but where both party’s are willing to work with their individual and collective shit, they have come through stronger and if not wiser, certainly more tolerant, understanding and forgiving! But I’m equally aware many marriages are made of misery. And life’s too short for that.
And so as Valentine’s day is almost upon us, I find myself reflecting upon the reality that love presents itself in many ways beyond the realms of the romantic. Therefore there’s really no need to imagine one is missing out if single this Valentines. Not when there’s an open invitation to join the smug singles scene!
A good friend shared with me that they had been praying for a partner to do life with but who wasn’t going to pester them for sex! I’m perimenopausal so I can relate! And when she remained confused and perplexed as to why God hadn’t answered this prayer, I suggested that there are probably as many men praying for a woman who wants lots of sex. And so in fairness, God’s hand could be ever so slightly tied on this front!!
And so, when it comes to embracing the smug singles scene, a few years back, myself and three wonderful girlfriends accompanied me to a Valentine’s night featuring the soul man plus a room full of couples. Us singles were the first to request songs … my friend Ju shouted out ‘Champagne’, to which I responded, ‘you have to go to the bar Ju’. She rolled her eyes and retorted, ‘it’s the name of a song Jo’!. As my friend G tells me, ‘I forget you live under a rock and don’t know anyone’s names Jo’. Anyway, the fabulous four of us smug singles were first on the dance floor and probably last off! Being single was not going to see us stuck on the sidelines!
And therefore, in the same spirit, this year I shall be enjoying a barn dance on Valentine’s night with a friend from church. Then on Saturday I’ll be at a soul event put on by a super talented, all-round amazeballs friend and her hubster. I genuinely hadn’t spotted this was a Valentine’s event until myself and my crew of girlfriends were rounded up, signed up and paid up! And I’m determined to have myself the biggest portion of fun going despite the lack of a traditional Valentine’s partner! I love my friends, food, singing and dancing so, ‘Happy Valentines’ to me and all!
I even learned from my lovely, younger and more on-trend than myself reflexologist, that celebrating Valentine’s with your girlfriends is known as Galentines! I’m all over that!
And then next week, I’ll be taking my friend/adopted ma on a date to the cinema to watch Bridget Jones number three. Oh what fun. My philosophy is that the shit is always going to keep coming so it’s best to ensure the fun supersedes it!
On a matter that probably has nothing to do with being single/married/smug or otherwise, two separate friends came over this week bearing flowers. Apart from instantly being upgraded to ‘top-banana’, friend status, they were escorted round the house to see all the crazy changes I’ve made (whether they wanted it or not). I talked them through what I had done and what is still to be done along with my reasoning of how it’s all about increasing comfort. Whether the new duck feather filled duvet (lush-erooney), the bed facing the window so I can start my day watching the trees, or all the sensory soothing soft items spread all over the place. All accompanied by sparkly lights. Obviously!
For each friend, I invited them to participate in an experiential way to get the full flavour of what I am creating. I did this by lifting my cherished and sublimely soft bedside rug on to the new duvet and inviting them to the soul soothing experience of touching it. For the first friend we both stood there speechless with wonder as we ran our hands over it. We/I probably could have continued that all day but we were interrupted by the arrival of my long suffering/serving church dad who came bearing my new pink chair! How exciting!
The second friend that I invited to the ‘touch a rug’ game went a step further after making contact with their hands by laying their face and torso on it, while wearing what I can only describe as a facial expression that whispered, ‘this is BLISS’!
And it is, because I reckon every soft-texture-needing human ought to be starting and ending their days standing on something so sublime! There is so much we cannot control in this life but so many little tweaks we can make to increase simple pleasures to counter balance all the crap.
To conclude, on the business of being single, this is a lame arse excuse not to love Valentine’s day, your tribe or your life! All types of healthy love are what hold us all together and in my opinion at least, the smug singles scene is seriously underrated!!