A few months ago whilst a good friend was putting up some shelves in my cupboard, he discovered an issue with damp.
Upon further investigation it became apparent that the source of this damp was actually the shower next door.
Apparently, the grouting within the tiling in the shower was not done adequately. This meant that the whole time I have lived in the property and used the shower, the water had effectively gone straight through the tiles in to the inner walls and beyond.
Consequently, as water spreads, it had ruined the immediate internal wall, spread further around the bathroom, was beginning to split the skirting boards and was evident in the cupboards and carpet of my back hall, which is where the issue was identified.
Basically, this internally rooted and thus invisible issue, was beginning to make its presence seen and felt externally.
A simple failure to create an adequate boundary had resulted in water getting in to places that are not made for water. The result of which was that a lot of damage was caused.
But, as the damage started internally, it was initially invisible and thus able to continue its work of destruction undetected. But as with all internal issues, when left for long enough, they begin to manifest externally.
I think we know and accept that should we choose to ignore such a problem, it will not simply disappear in to oblivion. No matter how much we may will it to do so!
Instead, that which we ignore, we permit to continue a work of destruction.
And destruct it does.
As was discovered once the internal walls of my bathroom and hall were investigated.
Of course, what could have happened is that the external damage could have been painted or covered over. Yet without dealing with the internal source, it would manifest externally again.
As a Psychotherapist, I can not help but make comparisons between this and the complicated and messy business of being a human. Further hindered by the cultural thinking that deludes us in to pretending that if we ignore any kind of internal issue; traumatic experiences, childhood difficulties, unwanted/uncomfortable feelings, it will simply float off never to be seen (or felt) again.
There is this idea that if we ignore such matters, they will disappear. Such thinking even goes a step further by imagining that if we uncover and explore the source of such issues, we will be causing ourselves unnecessary problems and pain.
In other words, we will come face to face with that which will cause us time, effort, money and potentially pain, to deal with. What is so often not acknowledged is that it will cause us considerably more time, effort, money and pain, to permit it to fester. Maybe not in the immediate term, but most definitely in the longer term.
And so it is that one generation teaches the next the art of sweeping things under the carpet. Something us English folk are in a league of our own with. To our detriment. The collective Society sized carpet of our nation must be at an all time ‘high’.
There is of course a time for when maintaining a stiff upper lip to get through a particular situation can be a sign of strength. But if engaged with as an everyday way of being, you are guaranteeing yourself a lot of unnecessary future issues. Issues whose consequences would be far less reaching were we to face up and deal with them a lot earlier.
It’s a problem.
One reflected in recent statistics regarding the mental health of our Society; from the very young to the very old and all in between.
We’re struggling.
Something, or in truth many things, are simply not working. And if we continue to ignore this we will continue to see the external manifestations of these internal issues spreading.
There is of course no quick fix. Not to anything of such importance and complexity as the human condition.
However, we can begin to acknowledge the value and importance of that which is within us; the heart, mind, soul and spirit. These need to be proactively taken care of, preferably in a preventative way. And when it is not possible to prevent certain experiences, as it so often isn’t, we need to cultivate a new willingness and receptivity to the need to address and invest in these areas.
We need to understand that this is not weakness but wisdom.
The stiff upper lip served us well during the war (I imagine) but it is not serving us particularly well now. As a way of being it is simply adding to the already large backlog of unaddressed internal issues.
It is time to accept that the stiff upper lip has become a hindrance rather than a help.
We need to recognise the value of our insides and begin to treat them accordingly.
On a Societal level, it is too late to be preventative. We are fighting fires without sufficient water to do so. Which doesn’t mean we should not attempt to do what we can. Collective efforts make a difference.
And, I believe, the God who is so often overlooked, is very much wanting and able to help if only we will learn to ask and to collaborate with Him and each other.
But on an individual level, we do not need to passively wait until our internal issues have manifested so destructively that they have hindered our ability to function (crisis) before we begin to give them the attention and support they need and deserve.
We need to look after our insides.
Which means that we need to learn how to re-engage with our own humanity, especially that of our demonised emotions.
Far from making us weak, when used in conjunction with our capacity to think as well as our spirituality, these emotions hold the key to our health, our progress and our experience of being fully alive.
And, just as I needed to engage with the appropriate expertise of those qualified to address my bathroom issues, sometimes us humans need to engage with the expertise of those qualified to assist us with our internal issues.
I spend my days sitting with individuals for whom I have the utmost respect for being willing to ‘do the work’ of dealing with the internal stuff. It’s uncomfortable, painful and costly, all against a backdrop of a Society urging them to ‘sweep it under the carpet and stop causing themselves unnecessary pain’. I respect the courage and honesty of these people and it is a very great privilege to work with them and to witness their lives begin to change for the better.
And I don’t see why my clients should be the only ones to enjoy the life changing benefits of engaging with therapy. So when I struggle, as I have recently with grief, I too engage with a therapist. I cannot offer to others something that I am unwilling to acknowledge a need for or accept help with myself.
Insides matter.
Mine.
Yours.
Ours.
They may remain largely invisible but when denied or ignored for too long, they manifest externally by restricting our capacity to function as we might.
None of us get all this stuff right and the fact is that it is not easy being a broken, messed up human that is vulnerable to getting hurt by life. The alternative is to shut down and exist and endure instead of living.
But if we tend to, rather than deny our internal issues, we will in the long run save ourselves from a lot of unnecessary pain and hassle.
Problems rarely disappear of their own accord. We need to participate in addressing our internal issues. And where appropriate, engage help to do so.
It is always worth the pain of the process when you come through to the other side.
As I finally have with my bathroom.
Following four months without a useable shower, my bathroom is now fully functioning again. The shower was stripped out, all tiles removed, internal walls redone and the whole bathroom redecorated and fitted with a new shower. Yes there was disruption and hassle. But, I can now say, that my bathroom looks even better than it did originally!
It does cost to deal with internal issues.
But it costs more not to.
What do you need to deal with and what support do you need to enlist to do so?
