I feel compelled to write about the idealised notion of being strong. Of course, it is not possible to write about being strong without also writing about being weak, for these are opposing sides of the same coin.
As in, the coin of humanity.
Us.
You.
And me.
In recent weeks, I keep hearing people talk about their ‘need to be strong’.
This is classic black and white, either/or, thinking in terms of absolutes. Either I am strong or I am weak, with little awareness much less acceptance that we are all a combination of strength and weakness. This is what makes us whole.
Let me explain.
There is a culturally driven, not always conscious idea that being strong is the only acceptable mode for any human to admit to. This means that people fall in to the black and white trap of thinking if you are not strong, you must be weak. A seemingly unacceptable mode to admit to.
But here’s the thing.
No human is only strong, all the time, in every way. Except perhaps, the exceptionally deluded. This means that in real terms, we all have strengths and we all have weaknesses. Most would agree to this in intellectual or theoretical terms but when it comes to real felt sense terms, most of us struggle to admit to needing help, feeling vulnerable or simply not being on our game, for fear that this makes us WEAK.
As weak is a mode that our culture has indoctrinated us to instinctively deny experiencing, we may consequently engage in all manner of cover up ops to conceal our perceived weakness.
If we think about it, this is really rather animalistic. For it is animals that conceal their weakness in order to avoid becoming a target for a stronger prey.
Do us humans, who pride ourselves on our ability to reason as differentiating us from the animal kingdom, really treat each other no differently from how animals operate. As in, the strong attack the weak? Yes, there is of course truth in this.
Whilst we can all be guilty of using our power and our privilege without conscious examination, there will always be those who intentionally capitalise on the weakness of others. Yet this is not a reason to disown or deny our weaknesses, but a need to discern those worthy of sharing them with.
This makes our desire to be seen as strong rather than weak, or both, an expression of preservation as well as at times, of pride.
Yet when we go a little deeper we have to acknowledge that as humans it is only by owning our strength AND our weakness, that we can become whole.
No one is strong at all times.
We all have our weaknesses.
There may be academic weaknesses. For example, my brain does not appear to be wired to understand anything relating to the scientific. This is a natural weakness which I could work excessively hard to improve but for which I have naught desire to do so as it bores me rigid. I accept this reality about myself.
However, where things get more complicated is when we associate weakness with being emotional or simply feeling anything other than our culture’s constant push for us all to promote 24 hour positivity.
And therefore, I regularly hear people telling me that they can’t allow their own sadness/frustration/resentment/disappointment/anger to come forth because to do so would make them feel WEAK.
According to popular opinion, being happy and positive all the time is a sign of strength. A notion that can be perpetuated in the Church. Which always leaves me wondering why no one thought to tell Jesus this during his times of anger, sadness or of course, his most monumental moment upon that cross.
Consider too the moment where Jesus see’s Marys distress over the death of Lazarus. He wept. Now imagine one of our present day English Christians telling him in no uncertain terms to, ‘get a grip, pull your socks up, life goes on/children in Africa are starving (to the PC crew, I am not denying nor belittling this reality, simply highlighting that one form of suffering does not cancel out another), you just have to be strong, there is no point crying over spilt milk, MAN UP, grow a pair, don’t you know you are the son of God/God, that is in the past, don’t you know how this story turns out’, or any other manner of popular – DON’T SHOW EMOTION IN FRONT OF ME BECAUSE I CAN’T EVEN COPE WITH MY OWN, type of responses.
Imagine that!!
I know, at least I would like to think, that no one would say such things to God Almighty.
Why is it then, I wonder, that these are considered completely acceptable to be rolled out repeatedly to the people we claim to care about, during their most vulnerable moments when they are struggling with the most painful emotions?
We must examine this for we cannot support or hope to heal the parts of us that feel weak because they hurt in some way, by hiding them behind pretend strength. That is just a total waste of energy, at a time when energy may already be in short supply.
Admitting that we get hurt and subsequently feel upset confirms our own humanity. Without which, we can only hope to become a cold, hard, shell of a human/nation.
It is time to out this ridiculous notion of always needing to be strong. What each and every one of us really needs is people and places where we can be honest and vulnerable about the times when we feel weak because we are hurting. People who will not shut us down by re-enforcing the ‘you’ve just got to get on with it’ approach.
Sure, life does indeed go on with all its demands, expectations and responsibilities. But, this does not mean that it is not appropriate and at times mandatory to allow a little time out for the business of healing and resting.
Imagine telling someone with a broken leg to just get up and get on with it. Most people have a little more understanding and empathy than that. A broken leg needs some time for total rest before the leg has to be stretched with various exercises to develop and regain its strength and ability to function.
It really is no different with matters of the heart and soul.
There is a time to rest, a time to heal and a time to push ourselves to develop our genuine strength once more. All of which takes … time.
It is unfortunate that even here in 2018, the majority remain stuck in the delusion that a human that admits their humanity, vulnerability or struggle, is WEAK. And for some, a target for exploitation.
If only we would begin to realise that in admitting to our weaknesses as they arise, we can actually seek the selfcare and support that we need to heal and to become genuinely stronger again.
By denying our times of perceived weakness, we agree to feigning strength until something breaks.
That something being us.
We all have times where we feel weak and we need to be around others who will not judge or dismiss us but who will offer empathy and support. Without fearing that to do so is to encourage someone to ‘wallow’. Denying pain doesn’t make us strong or make the pain disappear. It just pushes it deeper and delays the process of healing as well as unnecessarily complicating the whole matter.
It tends to be those who recognise and acknowledge their own weaknesses that know how to be genuinely supportive of others. Whereas those still caught in the delusion that any confession of weakness makes them WEAK, will tend to shut down others in the same way they do to themselves. Sometimes people just don’t know how to respond in the face of pain, whether their own or others.
The bottom line is that the strongest thing any one of us can do, is to admit when we feel weak, respect this is an expression of our own humanity, respond to ourselves with compassion and ask carefully chosen others for support.
That is real strength.
The overall point is that it is not really about being strong or being weak but about being whole by being all that we are.
