Birthdays can be an emotionally charged time. Whether due to unmet hopes, difficult family memories or relationships, including estrangements, poor health or because we feel the absence of those who are no longer with us. Or a whole myriad of other reasons.
The day of our birth seems to turn up the volume on existing emotions whether ones we like or ones we don’t. Following two birthdays (and Christmases) of intensely painful grieving, this year I was beyond ecstatic to be well enough to enjoy everything up to, on and continuing, around my birthday. Although I had forgotten how exhausting enjoying myself so much is! But this is a great experience to be reminded of. And it tastes all the sweeter for the awfulness of those birthdays that preceded it.
I’ve lost track of the number of times loved ones have sung happy birthday to me whether in person, or international family over the phone, or on a video call. I’ve tried to lose track of the amount of cake I’ve demolished but the paunch continues to keep count. I’ve had my socks blessed off by closest family through treats of afternoon tea, cream tea, tea and cake (I see a pattern), lunches, dinners, flower deliveries, home made birthday cake (by the very talented Ruth), a massage and facial, bbq and drop ins from loved ones.
It’s basically been a feast on every level from my favourite menu;
Great company/convo’s (usually including farts – thank you God for their entertainment value!)
Silliness, play and belly laughs (could lead to accidental farts)
Fantastic feasts of all my favourites (see above re food and farts)
Music and Dancing (special thanks to DJ Jerome for my party/mental health maintenance playlist)
Pools and pampering; jacuzzi, steam room, sauna, hot beds (lush)
Beauty of flowers whether growing in fields or in vases in my home
I’m meeting another friend for more birthday eating today, followed by an overdue rest day tomorrow where I’ll only leave the house for a massage! I need to digest all these rich treats to prepare for the next celebration of canoeing and of course more scoff, on Wednesday with my fab Swiss friend.
And then I’ll spend two weeks recharging my social battery as the above are only the entrees to whet the appetite for the main event. This will take the shape of a party where we will feast on food made by many talented cooks/bakers before being fed by the banquet that is my favourite musician.
As I sit under my parasol enjoying seeing the butterflys and not enjoying seeing the wasps, (thank you God for citronella), I reflect upon this milestone birthday.
Many years ago I was asked what I thought man wanted most in life. I heard myself respond,
‘ … to be seen, known and loved anyway’.
This still resonates with my internal truth detector.
And while it has taken me the full half century including the crappest three year lead up to get here, I can now say, hand on heart, the biggest gift through it all is,
‘having an embodied (not just theoretical) experience of being seen, known and loved anyway.’
It’s one thing to grow in our knowledge that God see’s, knows and loves us despite ourselves, because let’s face it, it’s his job to. Not that I believe he feels it to be a chore. I believe he loves nothing more that to shower us in his healing, hope giving love. And not just for us to hog for ourselves but like all good gifts, to share generously with all around us.
But, it is another matter entirely to know that my human family see’s, knows and loves me. For me, family are those people who show up for me in good times and bad. Those who have shown up recently and on the longer term, to sit with me, feed me, pray with me, remind me that God has got me, walk with me, talk with me, be with me and encourage me when I have been unable to do this for myself. For me, that is family and the most profound gift that God could have given me. He knows I’ve been longing and praying for this for a very looooong time. Like many prayers, it’s just been answered in a different way to how I expected!
What a God we all have – the giver of life itself has given me the greatest gift ever in the family he has surrounded me with in recent years. He has blessed me beyond my wildest imagination through this birthday.
I am overwhelmed by his (totally undeserved) grace, generosity and love for my flawed but determined to grow and learn self.
Of course, those closest to me see all my flaws including the wind related ones as well as my many quirks. The experience of being loved and accepted by them anyway blows my heart and mind. And it gives me immense joy to return the privilege of loving them back in this way.
There will of course always be those who choose to misunderstand me, my motives and my heart. And that’s ok. It’s inevitable. We can all fall victim to misunderstanding others or making up stories about each other in the absence of asking and listening to one another. We are all human, we all fall short of the glory of God and we can all misunderstand others as much as we can be misunderstood. Something I see as a lose, lose scenario. We can choose to work on resolving misunderstandings by recognising that they offer the chance to increase and improve understanding for all involved. The win/win way of the living God.
It’s not always easy being a flawed human in relationship with other flawed humans. But it helps to know the one who gave us our first birthday (and every subsequent one until he takes us) is always willing to help us grow and learn through every situation and challenge.
Wow, wow, wow.
This birthday, I am giving the biggest thanks to the God who gave me life and who continues to give me good gifts (even those that initially look so awful that I want to return them). But especially for the gift of being loved by family and being able to love them back.
I pray that my God continues to reveal his heart to every human heart, whether in times of joy, sorrow or transitioning in between. Because I believe that he loves to woo us so we can see, know and love him back. Not from an egotistical position but because as the maker of life and love, he knows there is nothing more valuable or enjoyable.
