jo.loach@gmail.com - Life is calling

Permission to pause

As the call of the sea was too appealing to ignore, I granted myself forty-eight uninterrupted hours of being beside the sea.

A welcome opportunity to be free of the other more demanding P’s; pressure to meet schedules (even those I’ve set myself!) plus the endless productivity of performing the tasks that accompany adulting.

Permission granted to roam free of them all.

What bliss. A real brain/body break. The most taxing decision I made today was which items I wanted for breakfast! To which the answer was … most of them! What a gift to have a meal prepared, cooked and brought right to you. Especially when served at a table with a sea view. Simple pleasures still deliver.

Following months of grey dreary days with very little exception, the sun even appeared to shine its sparkling lights all over the shop. And the sea. I find the sun rays flickering off the sea utterly mesmerising. That’s my kind of magic.

Yesterday I had zero desire to walk, let alone run along the beach. As I’m practising giving my body what it needs versus forcing it to do what I think it should, I didn’t walk or run. Instead, I spent hours sat on my arse staring at the sea from the comfort of my favourite sea facing seat. Guilt free and glorious. I also scoffed salmon I hadn’t had to cook. And I inhaled an inspiring book that was gifted by a friend, who knows my appetites. Satisfaction central.

But then, after one of the biggest and best cooked breakfasts I’ve ever had, a spontaneous urge to walk arose. This was enhanced by the fact I was too uncomfortably stuffed to stay seated. I went out to amble along the beach. As the waves gently lapped at the shore, the sun began to emerge. The warmth of its rays upon my skin was a welcome treat indeed! I remember this! It was an all-round sensory delight to be savoured slowly.

I walked and walked and I walked a bit more. And I relished the reality that there was no rushing required. I surprised myself with how long I walked following the slothfulness of the day before. As I did, I was constantly wowed by the wonder of the waves. Like life, they just keep coming; sometimes crashing in, sometimes calm, but always moving. A constant, vast, open presence. These are the scenes I love to gorge on. Even taking short videos as a takeaway to view when home.

I brought a coffee which I drank outside while still drinking in the sights and sounds of the sea. My first al fresco drink of the year. How exciting! At least it was until the wind started blowing, the clouds started dominating and the sun stopped shining. My cue to return to the comfort of the indoor seats.

Following a few hours of creative play, I felt compelled to get back outside to run along the beach. How I love the fresh air on my skin, invigorating me and reminding me in an embodied way that I am still ALIVE! Of course, it’s even more enjoyable when accompanied by the sun to balance out the cold. A wish that was granted periodically.

During this time and space of unforced rhythms; flowing over forcing, pausing over pushing, spontaneity over striving, my creativity began to re-emerge from its slumber. I am relieved, excited and tentative to sense it awakening once more.

The sea, the sun, the space, the stillness, the simple pleasures … these are what begin to bring me home to myself.

Thank you, God, for the soul stirring, wonder awakening, call, comfort and restorative powers of nature.

I do love to be beside the seaside.

And while I am now back home, I must return soon.

The sting and the shine

On Sunday at Church I spoke to someone who shared that they were feeling less than enthused about Christmas! They described what had created their bar humbug position and how it had been challenged by those who were participating in the meal sharing, gift giving, enjoyment of Christmas.

As one who does a lot of listening, I am aware that this person is far from alone! For many, Christmas has associations that evoke the opposite of fluff and fun. This could be due to the reminder of those who are no longer with us. Or to the spirit of Christmas getting lost in Black Friday sales. Or the consumerist cloud that conceals the one the season represents. Or just that the usual daily stressors don’t cease to exist simply because Christmas is coming!

In short Christmas can remind us of loss in its many guises. Not just of loved ones but of the meaning becoming concealed by consumerism. These are on top of whatever others losses each of us are currently navigating.

There can be a sting in the stress of spending alongside the escalating cost of living, as well as the additional work and pressure for everything to be ‘perfect’. And this in addition to the ordinary storms, strains and stings of life. It’s no wonder that the build up to Christmas can turn folk right off from the true shining star of the season.

On Saturday, a friend and I watched a film called, ‘Oh what fun’. This was rare in that it was set from the female perspective. It illustrated how the women usually do all the unnoticed, often taken for granted, behind the scenes work, that makes everything happen. The film illustrates how Christmas can bring out the best, the worst and all in between for us all, as everything especially emotions, are heightened. It had a poignant but true message that was delivered with humour as well as the guaranteed happy ending!

Whether we love, hate or wish Christmas to be over, the timeless gift in its midst, remains; CHRIST! The season is almost universally accepted as a time of being with loved ones (in small doses!), sharing in celebrations, scoff-fests, singing and togetherness. But the real gift is Christ who is present during the run up, the main event and the year that follows. He helps us to stay focused on him despite all that seeks to draw our attention away from him.

It is ironic that the very season that showcases Jesus as the shining star, can be one in which the surrounding pomp and ceremony as well as the stress, work and expense, can conceal him! These Christ-less consumers of money AND attention, can become a smokescreen to divert, distract and distance us from Christ! And as with every other sphere of life and season, that which we consumes us, can blind us to that which helps, holds and heals us!

However, the good news of this season as with every other, is that we don’t have to passively accept this as the case, just because it was last year or the year before! All year round there will be experiences that sting us in one way, shape or form. These can become amplified during Christmas. However, it is equally true that in every season/storm/stress that stings, lay an opportunity for the God who shines brighter than every sting, to be seen afresh.

We must choose and keep choosing, not to deny what stings, but to continue to seek the one who shines through it all. Christ remains beyond the sales, Amazon delivery’s, family fallouts, unexpected or expected bereavements, stress, ill health or whatever else leaves us with a heavy heart.

Jesus is calling each of us, every day,

“Come to me … here and now … I will put my heart-lifting, heart-holding, heart-warming shine on every step you take, especially those which sting”.

This is true in all seasons including Christmas.

Jesus does NOT say,

“Do not come to me until you’ve got through the stress or sting of Christmas or any other season”!

Jesus is the God of the shine within, above and beyond every sting. He does not need us to make ourselves shiny before we bring the sting to him. He helps us with the sting so we can continue to enjoy his shine in the face of all that stings.

Sometimes we need to consciously choose to re-focus on the one who helps us turn every sting in to a chance to see him shine even brighter. There is no need to delay until the stress/sting of the season is behind us when there is one wanting to help us reclaim the gift of his presence, here and now.

Shed, rest, produce, repeat

The tree’s now stand stripped of their leaf coverings, in all their raw, naked, natural beauty. They are a sight to behold which gives me great enjoyment every morning as I watch their stunning silhouettes emerge from the darkness of night. They never fail to wow me with their striking beauty set against the ever changing back drop of the sky. They serve to remind me of the necessity and beauty, of all seasons. And that each season has a natural timeline for producing, before shedding and resting, to prepare for the next season of producing.

Autumn calls us to release and shed all that holds us back from growing in new ways. Winter seeks to welcome us unencumbered by old, redundant ways of being and relating. This transition between what was and what is to come, can be unsettling because those learned but unquestioned patterns of relating, may have covered our most natural selves; needs and desires to grow beyond, ‘what was’.

The trees invite us to stand tall exactly as we are. No more, no less, no hiding or pretending to be anything other than who we were born to be. This raw authenticity will reveal those who see and enjoy us for being who we are and those who don’t. This is the natural order of life that supports us to shed all that will hold us back from change, whether internal or external.

Post shedding, it is helpful to rest, resource and re-set. We may need to withdraw a little to regather ourselves in preparation for producing more life in a different way.

The business of being alive means that change is constantly happening. We can surrender to this reality, whether gracefully or disgracefully, or fight it to the very death. As in our death, be it physical or psychological.

When we surrender to the shedding season and refuse to resist the resting season, we work with our natural life cycles.

As humans in a nonstop culture, we may struggle to simply be still. The tree models this to us while also showing its striking beauty. When the wind blows, the trees move with it in a dance of its own.

Winter invites us to accept the mini deaths of, ‘the way we/life have been’, to prepare us to birth fuller, healthier, more satisfying ways of living and relating. While the physical body is aging, wearing and tearing, the psychological and spiritual self is growing, shedding, resting and relearning.

While we may all have our favourite seasons, the tree’s remind us to trust during all seasons. For life is always calling us to the fullest way of living, which also requires an ongoing assessment of all that undermines this. (including ourselves!)

The HIGH before the storm

Not all storms are preceded by calm … think the miracles of mass feeding, Elijah after calling fire from heaven etc

A high raised by a demonstration of God’s undeniable power, is an invitation for spiritual attack from God’s enemy. This must NOT deter us!

Twenty years ago, my counsellor once remarked,

‘When you stand up and out, as well as speaking up and out, you effectively put a target on your back’.

As a navigator of serial, near back-to-back storms in recent years, I have learned much that cannot be learned in the calm. Upon reaching my fiftieth which I wasn’t always confident of reaching, I chose to use my jubilee party to celebrate the God who brought me through every storm. God has used these storms to update my internal software at the deepest level by changing man-made beliefs, for God’s truths and by making my weak places strong. It gave me enormous joy to celebrate this God with the amazing FAMILY who have brought me through.

As a visual person, seeing and sharing with so many of the family God has surrounded me with (plus a few relative unknowns) during these seasons of storms, made a super-sized, super-strength deposit in my love-bank. My true family members were touched by the power and presence of God’s love in the room. Those who arrived wobbly, left feeling strengthened. And I was lifted high on wings of joy, love and gratitude.

This high was short-lived … the inevitable spiritual attack started just one short week later.

While this was intended for harm to drag me down to the level of those responsible, who also wished to exert control over me, the God who CONVERTS all harm to good, utilised this INTEL, for my learning, growth and deeper healing.

When we fly so high, shout so loud, or rejoice with so many, about the goodness of God, we invite ‘gifts’ from those unwilling to rejoice with, or for us. These ‘gifts’ are precious in so far as we do not receive them, from those who see, hear, understand and love us.

Those who launch such attacks or are complicit in them, highlight themselves as not being our people. There is nothing to be gained by speaking to those who refuse to see or hear us. And there is everything to be gained by walking away, closing the door, bolting it firmly, praying them in to God’s care and leaving them with others who belong only in your past.

While such attacks are shocking, especially when launched by those you overlooked the ‘off-signs’ for, and invested in emotionally anyway, it does signal that the storm sender/permitter deemed you ready for it and designed it to remove those not coming forward with you.

Either way, storm-training, trains us to recognise that every storm contains key INTEL. When we know that John 16:33 is a guaranteed, repeating life-long theme (!), we can meet it as the gift of growth that it is.

Irrespective of source, the storm HIGHLIGHTS in NEON FLASHING LIGHTS, where our WEAK SPOTS are. This is profoundly helpful when partnering with the God who turns our weaknesses in to strengths. What may otherwise remain off the radar is swiftly put on it via the attention-grabbing-presence of pain, when we are attacked in the weak spot! What a good-gift giving God we have!!

In addition to signposting us to our weak spots so God can help us strengthen them, the storm also shows us what conditions evoke our INNER THOMAS. Or the doubter within; whether doubts about us, others, or God himself. By putting these on the map, under the super illuminating light of the Almighty, we can clearly see the lies that underpin the doubts. When we bring the enemy lies before the truth giving God, they dissipate.

These attacks also alert us to where we have allowed, or even invited, harm in – this is critical as it points us to the essential repair work we must undertake to prevent harm entering via whatever breaks in the boundary wall, allowed our attackers in.

Furthermore, we are invited to partner with God in identifying our God-given-gifts along with their need for God-ordained-protection from those who see them, but have self-serving motives.

On a deeper level, an attack-based-storm can make invisible beliefs become visible eg ‘if you are kind, open, trusting and giving, others will treat you in the same vein.’ God’s truth is that we must be as wise as a serpent and as pure as doves. We must wake up and wise up, for wolves have no limits when it comes to their penchant for fancy dress; the more deceptive and unexpected the disguise, the greater the power to damage.

In summary, God allows the storm and those who attack us. He uses it to show us how to protect ourselves better to prepare us for future spiritual battles. These are guaranteed when we step out, stand up and speak out for God.

To summarise, THE GIFTS OF THE STORM …

Highlight who will not be coming with us wherever God leads
Exposes what evokes our inner Thomas so we can seek, see and double down on the deity giving truths that replace doubts, as well as building endurance and stretching our storm coping capacity.
Signpost the gaps in the boundary wall that allowed these people in so we can prevent their access in future by repairing the walls & using what they have taught us about how to recognise what such people look, sound and feel like.
Gives us the opportunity to name our God-given-gifts & recognise the need to protect them from those with insincere motives/unaddressed envy/unacknowledged losses/pain
Insist we trade beliefs based on the lies of the enemy, irrespective of whether containing a partial truth, for God’s unshakeable full truths

Most storms shake us so hard we learn new truths about ourselves, our God and the at-times duplicitous nature of the human species!

Storms also train us to practice remaining connected to the constant source of calm that is Jesus Christ, living within us, DURING THE STORM! We learn resilience, endurance and faith building through every attack/battle/storm.

The way we RESPOND to storms and/or attacks, determines whether they become growth givers on steroids, or something that beats us down and sucks the life from us. If only temporarily.

When we trust in God and call upon His name, storms show us experientially that God is stronger than every attempt/power of the enemy, to lie to, or about us, to steal our shine or commitment to speaking of and sharing the goodness of God, or to destroy our focus by attempting to distract, drag us down or de-rail us.

The truth about God is that he really IS … ABLE TO FIGHT HIS OWN BATTLES! And does so much better without our assistance/interference!

God has the power to give and keep giving us LIFE TO THE FULL despite every attempt of the enemy to LIE, STEAL AND DESTROY our GOD-GIVEN fullness of life.

This storm has taught me to NEVER STOP STEPPING OUT, or SPEAKING OUT about the GOODNESS of GOD who helps me GROW through every STORM he allows me to go through. INSTEAD, to always trust that He really is ABLE to FIGHT his OWN BATTLES without my ‘help’ and to protect me in the process!!!

Praising the God who allows, reigns within, and after, every storm … now, always and forever! Tis great to be on God’s WINNING TEAM!

And to give thanks for those who gave the ‘gifts’ of learning and those who supported me to accept the growth, truth and learning within!

Stop gaslighting the human heart

No one likes it when someone complains about everything and everyone in their life while doing nothing about any of it. Or when their narrative consists only of their stellar ability to seek out something to criticise in every situation. When I spend time with such people, I feel like they plug in to my system, suck the energy out and leave me depleted and drained. This is unpleasant at best and interprets as,

‘Limit time and interactions with this person to protect my energy. As they are not ready to take responsibility for themselves, they may be seeking someone to take responsibility for making them feel better.’

The short version is a neon flashing sign reading.

DANGER – MAINTAIN DISTANCE

I have recently been reminded that to miss this negative sign is to blindly walk in to an exhausting dynamic which is costly to get caught in and costly to get uncaught from.

However, our prevailing culture largely demands that we deny such experiences and only speak of all things positive. We must utter words of complimentary praise for ourselves and our fellow human, no matter what. Or face the wrath of the positivity police who parade around seeking someone to shutdown/judge/silence for daring to voice anything different read negative irrespective of it being true.

Please note that I am not suggesting for a minute that we all become like the above example where we can’t open our mouths without speaking negativity or having a negative impact. What I am pointing out is that to demand only positive, or deliver only negative, are both unhealthy approaches that do not show the whole picture.

The cultural prohibition on anything negative, is ironic given the media’s role in feeding the world with words of never-ending negativity about death and destruction. Albeit prioritising certain parts of the world while ignoring the plights of others.

When I look at the human aversion to seeing or speaking of the non-positive alongside the seemingly unsatisfiable hunger for the negative that the media supplies, I see something bigger in the interplay between them. What we are banned from acknowledging in our own lives, we seek to see elsewhere.

The whole picture of the individual human heart and therefore every populated part of humanity; family/church/employer/government/country/world etc contains … positive, negative and the mess in the middle that combines both. When we deny either good or bad in ourselves, it must go somewhere – this is how disowned parts of the shadow self, get projected in to others, who are then condemned for them! Those who refuse to own, much less work on their shadow parts, are particularly prone to projecting in this way.

In psychotherapy terms we refer to the negative side as the shadow side. In current cultural terms, the non-shadow side could be likened to the FB side of ourselves. What we put out to the public is usually the shiniest, sparkliest, version of ourselves. There are also the exceptions of those who hang their dirtiest linen out on the FB line to dry. However, the majority remain somewhere in the middle while bearing more towards the best. This is ordinary human behaviour.

In life beyond Facebook, when we are honest about ourselves, we own our shadow and non-shadow sides. We require both sides to be whole. If we are too fragile to own our shadow sides, we will project these in to those around us, particularly those we don’t like or even envy. This is how the extremely fragile seek to protect themselves from their own shadows.

However, culture typically teaches us to always be positive and never to speak of or dwell on the negative. Nothing wrong with that when applied to the superficial day to day disappointments and frustrations. However, if we deny and dismiss the deeper, more difficult emotions along with what evokes them, we dismiss the invitation within them. The presence of pain whether physical or psychological, points to something that needs attention. To dismiss this, to avoid rocking the boat of the positivity police, is to override a warning at our own risk.

It is not surprising that a culture that condemns us for daring to speak of the difficult, loves to binge on news that is full of the negative. At the opposite extreme, those overwhelmed by dealing with rather than denying the negative in their own lives, may avoid the news altogether. Again, every mix of this exists in between these extremes.

The banning of our shadow sides, individually and collectively, is how prejudices arise and continue. Whatever cannot be owned or tolerated in the individual becomes disowned, projected out, located in a conveniently different individual, who then becomes a target for the one who disowns their shadow side.

When you get a group of individuals who all choose another particular people group to project their collective disowned shadow sides on to, you get particularly shadowy behaviour from the group doing the projecting.

Humans get hurt; physically and psychologically. The pain we feel is a signpost to something that needs addressing. If we ignore this, we permit the ongoing, unquestioned, presence of the pain.

Typically, we do not gaslight ourselves or our fellow humans when feeling or healing from physical injuries. However, it is a cultural norm to gaslight the human hearts natural vulnerability to getting hurt within the ordinary business of living and relating. The norm of negating this natural heart-level-hurt still reigns supreme and largely unchallenged.

This propensity for gaslighting the human heart, has been handed down the generations. When we talk about breaking cycles, we are referring to the generation who stop to question, ‘the way it’s always been done – to establish whether there is a better way’. In this instance by addressing the polarity between the physical and the psychological.

Here are some of our cultural favourites from the, ‘here’s some we prepared earlier (but haven’t’ bothered to update) cue card offerings’. These are often pulled out in the face of some kind of serious heart level hurt.

Don’t dwell on it. It’s in the past. Draw a line. Put it behind you. You need to move on. You should be ok now.

While there can be truths in such sayings, they do not create a whole picture without allowing or acknowledging that healing is a process. These sayings show us how hard we find it to tolerate the hurts of the human heart on anything other than a fleeting level. When we are socially conditioned to believe that emotions are weak and unnecessary, or something to think or pray away, we lose the truth that the hearts capacity to feel the entire range of emotions, is its barometer for aliveness.

When we gaslight the human heart for feeling pain, we are saying,

‘Be better, happy and positive. Immediately. And always. Without needing to walk the messy, painful, lengthy, unpredictable path from whatever caused the hurt, through the impact/pain/cost of it, to the healing.’

This is not only ridiculous and unrealistic, but blatantly cruel. It can also be an expression of ignorance, which can yet be educated when people are willing! But to gaslight the human heart is to demand our fellow human or our self, be at a place of healing, without having to walk the pathway that leads from hurt to healing.

This is the equivalent of saying to someone with two broken legs,

‘It’s happened. It’s done. It’s behind you. You need to stop wallowing/dwelling on it, as you can’t change it. It happened x amount of time ago so you should put it behind you and be up and running by now.’

In other words … BE HEALED. NOW. MINUS THE PROCESS OF HEALING or you’re weak/failing/doing something wrong! This is GASLIGHTING!

Hearts, like every part of the human body, need time, care and sometimes medication/treatments to heal.

The heart does not need shaming, blaming, dismissing, belittling, denying, ignoring, forcing, hiding, overriding or put simply, abusing via refusing to see.

The heart does need seeing, hearing, acknowledging, understanding, respecting, honouring, valuing, supporting and loving, in to healing.

It is time to stop abusing the human heart; our own or each other’s.

It is time to say ‘no’, to gaslighting the human heart.

It is time to acknowledge some hard facts; full, not partial aliveness, includes heart level hurt; we cause it, we receive it.

We cannot jump from hurt, straight to healing. We must walk the path that joins one to the other. It is a process and a messy, painful, often unpredictable one at that.

By investing the time to heal our hearts, we also learn new insights which help us to better protect or prepare ourselves, for certain potentially harm-causing situations in future.

The alternative is to deny/gaslight our heart pain until the body speaks so loudly and disruptively that we are forced to stop and listen.

Or, we can hand out the baton of hurt that we are handed to all and sundry around us as a way of projecting/communicating the pain that cannot be owned or processed in to others.

Let us choose not to pass on the hurt that has been done to us by making those around us feel it.

Let us also choose not to deny the cost/impact/pain done to our hearts or the time required to process and heal a hurt heart.

We can all take steps to stop gaslighting the human heart, by learning to listen to, love and support our own heart.

Change always starts with us. And we start by looking after our own hearts. The healthier our hearts are, the healthier what flows from them, will be.

Autumn’s Invitation

We are surrounded by the stunning colours of leaves changing from living, branch-dancing beauty’s in to dying, drifting to the ground, grass-decorators. This is how the world around us reminds of the natural seasons and cycles that we all transition through.

Autumn invites us to embrace the process of transitioning between seasons. We only need to look around us to see how spectacularly beautiful change can be. Autum invites us to withdraw from the world a little, to replenish our resources. It also asks us to let go of both physical and psychological items and patterns that need releasing/updating. And, we can practice granting ourselves a period of rest and regeneration that must precede any new season of rebirth and renewal.

I keep hearing how people are sorting through and getting shot of old unneeded, dust gatherers, from garages/cupboards/wardrobes. I’m feeling very smug myself after clearing five bags from my own wardrobe. I no longer have a meltdown every time I open the wardrobe door – winning. (Not sure for how long).

These physical sort outs clear physical and psychological space. If we wish to welcome all things new, externally and internally, we must be willing to get shot of the old. This is how we create the necessary space for the new to arise/appear. We can further aid this by consciously stopping to consider what outdated relational patterns we need to shed.

Clue; if we keep getting involved with the same type of characters in an unhelpful way, we need to recognise the invitation to stop to investigate the internal issue behind it. Finding the right counsellor can be key to this. Every time I start a new season of therapy, I think to myself,

‘Wow, counselling is amazing! A space like no other to see what may otherwise go unnoticed, to our detriment. With the right fit and type, counselling can be hugely healing and life enhancing by supporting us to increase what we love and decrease what we don’t, by activating the power to choose.’

And yes, I am bias!

But all the same, we are all a work in progress. We can all benefit from humbling ourselves to ask for help to recognise old, unhelpful, relational patterns so we can grow and heal beyond them. As we shed our old relational imprints and patterns, we release ourselves to step in to new, healthier dynamics.

During a conversation with a woman this morning, we spoke of how reaching the age of fifty, fuels us to say ‘no’, to more of the same old, unsatisfactory relationships (amongst other things). As women, we are programmed to be relentless givers/nice(ripe for exploitation from the takers)/put others first-ers. Fifty appears to be the age when there’s no energy left in the tank to continue this life-sapping approach. Thank God. Thank you, God! Permission granted to say ‘no’ to any bs crossing the line of fifty with us.

Over lunch last Sunday, a fellow super-strong, over-giver remarked that we need to, ‘toughen up’, before instantly correcting herself, with, ‘no, that’s not right’. To which I interjected, ‘no, it’s about wising up’.

Autumn offers the annual invitation to be mindful about what we allow in to any new season with us.

Perimenopause is a massively heightened, exaggerated version of Autumn; identify what/who/where is not coming with you, because it has revealed itself to be part of your past, that needs to be left in the past. This is probably the most valuable investment of time and energy any of us can make as we transition in to new seasons.

And, as the leaves show us, it is a process. As in, it doesn’t happen overnight. We can go through this slowly, mindfully and most powerfully of all, prayerfully.

If you’re not sure what you need to let go of in this season of shedding the old, ask the Lord God Almighty, because he see’s and knows everything. And he will help us to see what is not healthy for us, when we are ready to act upon this, in our own favour. God knows that we often hold on to the familiar for far too long for fear of change, or belief in the lie that,

‘it’s always better the devil you know’.

God often attempts to get us to release our grip of anything unhealthy because he has the healthiest plans for us. If you need encouragement in this, watch the leaves fall away from the branches. You won’t see them clinging on for dear life or hear them wail, ‘but what if the new season never comes …’.

If you need help with any of this (or anything else), feel free to pop a prayer request in the box in the fabulous Bites & Breezes. You can treat yourself to a hot drink or scoff and be blessed by Ozzy and his team.

Or just ask God for whatever you need, yourself. He LOVES it, when us, his children, go to him for help! True story!

Rest is best

We live in a society that holds up busyness like it’s some kind of badge of honour. This can be destructive when taken out of the context of a fuller picture. The ability to knuckle down, focus and do what we must to honour our positions as adults, is essential. As is, humbling ourselves to acknowledge our limitations and struggles and asking for help when we need it. However, like anything in life, if we do not balance this with as dedicated a commitment to the need for rest, we will likely end up exhausted, depleted or even burned out.

A prolonged period of burning the candle at both ends of the day, eventually leads to a candle that burns out completely. It can be a lengthy process to rest enough to reclaim one’s spark after this.

The more we live bound by technology, addicted to our phones and being constantly available through numerous forms to all around us, the more ineffective/disengaged/unavailable and ineffective we become. Was it Steve Jobs who banned his kids from having mobile phones?

Humans need to rest.

These body’s of ours are so complex that we are learning more about how they work, all the time. We are also starting to return to the age old wisdom of our predecessors who lived more in their body’s and less in their heads. I don’t imagine that during hunting expeditions with the express goal of securing dinner, fellow hunters were worrying about what their fellow hunter was chasing or what anyone back at the cave was thinking about them!

We have access to our whole body of knowledge and wisdom, (no pun intended) yet often busy ourselves to such a degree that we miss or dismiss this.

The antidote to this is to slow down, pipe down, sit down and at regular points, allow oneself to disengage brain and simply be in the body. Whether to pay attention enough to notice what our body is asking of us, or to enjoy the world around us and be available to those we meet along the way.

These complex bodys of ours are constantly working in ways that are invisible to us but vital to our organs, functioning and health. When we fail to let the body be still enough to dedicate resources to all the behind-the-scenes work, we become tired. When we ignore this, we become vulnerable to becoming ill. The go-go-go approach to life will possibly fast track us to the gone-and-not-coming-back stage.

We need to give ourselves permission to fall back in love with the art of rest. Or if we refuse to do this, we must at least accept, consciously, that we are choosing to sacrifice our quality of life/peace/health/enjoyment.

Recently, I’ve become increasingly aware, particularly amongst women, (it’s present in a slightly different way for men) that we have internalised a set of man/family/culture made rules that say we must constantly strive/slog guts out/work long hours/override the bodily warning systems/drive self to an early grave/ in order to be seen as, ‘hard working’, or to avoid being seen as ‘lazy’ or ‘work-shy’. There is of course an entire range between these two extremes.

When we have internalised these ‘rules’ of rigidity that restrict our life/work/play/rest balance, it can be hard to update them. Yet the older we get, the more our body protests when we push it beyond its limits. We would do well to heed these warnings and respond accordingly. When we identify the rules that restrict us, we can begin to update them to support us to learn, grow and heal.

Rest is not cheating/laziness/weakness/waste of life/incompetence/something to do when dead, unless in a hurry to get there.

Rest is the best medicine (after healthy love) that we can commit to giving our bodily systems on a regular basis. We refuse it this most basic need to our own detriment. Times of stress/illness; physical or psychological require increased rest to support the natural healing process. To refuse this is to take resources away from the healing process, thus prolonging it.

Recently I lent someone a book. I think all women, especially Christian, who have been indoctrinated in to believing that God has a whip at our backs constantly, should read it.

It is, ‘Nice girls don’t change the world’, by Lynne Hybels (Lynne is a wonderful woman and writer who also happens to be a pastors wife).

This book speaks to the subject of women believing they have to earn God’s love. Or else. I’m not sure or else what, but it doesn’t sound appealing.

Anyway, Lynne speaks of her own process of recognising, it was not God who was driving her so hard. She realised that she was exhausted and resentful, accompanied by guilt, because ‘nice, especially, nice Christian girls’ don’t feel such sinful feelings, right?!

What a crock of the brown stuff! And, we are not girls but grown arse women who often need support to identify the man-made, ego massaging rules that we carry inside us. Once we recognise them, we can align and update them to fit God’s truths. I don’t know whether I believe the literal translation of God making the world in six days but I trust the point that if God needs to rest, man/woman definitely do.

Here is one of my favourite passages from Lynne, which is a response she got from God. (additions in brackets from me).

‘I love you so much that I want you to rest. I want you to sit and receive the refreshment of my creation. I want you to listen to music. I want you to dance in the quietness of your bedroom (lounge/supermarkets/all over the shop). I want you to be like a child, secure and free in the presence of an adoring parent.

I want you to know that all those years when you were working so hard to try to please me, I was trying to tell you to slow down. I saw you KILLING YOURSELF from the inside out and I tried to stop you. But the many false voices in your head (internalised man-made rules) drowned out the single true voice in your heart’.

I love this! If we have been driving ourselves this hard, we can stop doing this!

Once I read a great quote, I can’t remember who by, which said something like,

‘The fun is not in having nothing to do, but in having lots to do and choosing not to do it’!

A non-negotiable part of adulting is that there is always work to be done. An optional approach to this is constantly reassessing the priority that really cannot wait, as well as that which can. This must also be aligned to our body’s capacity at the time. Again, if we’re in deficit, we may need to ask for help.

This is not easy but it is an essential, everchanging, part of healthy adulting.

As a self-confessed crap-at-resting human, I am becoming increasingly committed to practising rest. My body has made repeated interventions in recent years to slow me down or totally floor me. Sometimes I learn embarrassingly slowly. But I do learn. Eventually!

And I use what I know about myself to help me to strengthen this weakness of mine. For example, I just had a week in Portugal. I love the sunshine, although not directly on my head or face. I love being warm, but not too warm. Ditto cold! Even more tricky when your body’s barometer is up the creek due to the refurb of peri. And I like water; gazing at it, paddling in it, swimming, running alongside it and watching the sun rise or set over it. Therefore, I cancelled a break I originally booked that was very different to this and not what I needed at this time. Instead, I booked the break that gave me all of the above and some, because I needed it.

While I find it near impossible at times, to sit still, if I am warm, with an amazing view and the option to get wet, I can just about do it. Nature is one of my most effective assistants to support me to rest. I am blown away by the beauty of creation in each and every season. This means that I stop to see, savour and be soothed by it. It aids my quest to indulge in sufficient times of rest-festing.

Whatever supports us to rest or prevents us from doing so (internal rules about it), rest is an essential part of ongoing maintenance.

If you need help with any of this, please feel free to complete a prayer card at Ozzie’s Bites n Breezes. Even better why not pop in for a lush coffee or some eats to stop, eat and connect with others.

Rest really is best.

The sacrificial love of a father

In the past week I’ve listened to two young men describe the love they feel for their children. I noticed their face and eyes lit up as they described their powerful experience of dedicating themselves to putting the needs of their little people before their own. Only a self-sacrificing love that focuses on the other can make a man’s face shine like that.

I remarked to them both that the love they described for their children is what the ultimate father, God, feels for us human children, irrespective of age. Or rather what us humans feel for one another is probably a fraction of what the living God feels for each of us.

How humbling, encouraging, mind blowing and heart expanding to meditate on the heart, character and nature of the ultimate Father God, who see’s, knows and loves us all anyway!!

Typically, we tend to expect God as Father to behave as our own father’s have. Many women of my generation had father’s who were unable to contain their anger or to discipline us without using terror to control in us, what they could not control in themselves. Many of our father’s had fathers who fought in the war and were expected to return to their families as if unaffected.

However, the research, understanding or support about trauma was nowhere near as advanced as it is now. Without support to process their unimaginable experiences, many of these war surviving men would have unconsciously acted out the very feelings that they could not manage or verbalise themselves, upon their children. This is how intergenerational trauma gets handed down. And how family culture gets created and maintained if left unaddressed or healed. I think it’s important to add that many of these fathers also made excellent providers through seeking refuge in their work. Think of the message within Mary Poppins.

I don’t know what it is to be a father or even a mother! But I’ve seen and heard enough to know it’s not for the faint hearted! My observations highlight that all unresolved psychological issues get passed down the familial line along with some sickness and diseases.

Whatever parents inherit through family on a psychological level, will be tapped in to, (think buttons pressed) by the children whose job it is to test their parents in such a way – this is how the teachable parent learns and grows beyond the limitations and unhealed wounds of their own parents! If they choose to accept such a challenge! Asking for help from on high is a good starting point!

I know this is easy for me to say as a non-parent! As one who couldn’t get her shit together in time to reproduce, the nearest I get to this phenomenon is through my work. I hold space for the unresolved parental issues to be worked through in the context of the therapeutic relationship. This is not a substitute for parenting. But it does illuminate the relational patterns internalised through how our parents, parented us.

All too often we then expect God to parent us in the same way whether it was good, bad or the more likely mix of all. We must work through these past, parental relational template patterns if we want to create new, healthier patterns. By simply denying or dismissing the past, we deny and dismiss the opportunity to grow out of and beyond it.

I am massively thankful to God for blessing me with a man I call my Church dad. The one and fabulous-only Johnboy; long serving, long suffering, long sacrificing man who shows me what a dad can be like. Whether putting up pictures in my house (it’s not straight John!), organising my birthday meals and cakes, praying for me and sending me scriptures in difficult times, Monty cat-sitting, or generally being a top banana human being.

John is available, attentive, kind, thoughtful and full of Godly wisdom. John models the sacrificial love of a father to me. And I am immensely grateful to God for the gift that John is to me. And I pray that I am a gift to him too because the win/win is the way of God’s heart. The way that John models being a father gives me experiential insight into the heart of the ultimate Father.

God’s love is a love that welcomes us any time of the day or night. There is literally nothing we cannot bring to him. He always awaits us with open embrace. He is the Father to whom we can take our rage, pain, disappointment, resentment, shock or anything else to. This is true whether such emotions are evoked by the conduct of others or our own!

God is a parent who loves us enough to recognise that our bad or just off, behaviour comes from the unhealed parts of our hearts. And therefore, he offers us the safety and sanctuary required to be still, lick our wounds and let him comfort and calm our stressed systems in his loving presence.

Then, when we are ready, he gently helps us to heal from the behaviour of others. He doesn’t leave us there as he also helps us to recognise and take responsibility for our own behaviour, when it is lacking. He knows that we all mess up and he waits patiently for us to bring our mess ups and mistakes to him. He loves to help us to do our part in owning, acknowledging and apologising whenever we fall short (EVERY single time we do it). He gives us His grace, humility and love when we mess up so we know we can always bring our mistakes to him. We do not need to be bound by fear, secrecy or shame. God loves to release us from these so we can learn, grow and heal in His loving presence. And then we can try to share these with others when they mess up with us.

When we refuse to own up to our mistakes, we are choosing to be bound by guilt, shame and fear of punishment. To admit our mistakes and ask God’s assistance to help clear them up, is to keep our hearts clean, take responsibility for the impact of our actions on others (irrespective of intention) and to apologise for them.

This is how we live with healthy hearts – this is the freedom that comes from being truthful about ourselves. We are only responsible for our own conduct and the maintenance of our own hearts.

The only perfect parent in existence (if not bodily form) loves us with such a sacrificial love that he allowed Jesus to endure the torture of the Cross. This means that every single one of us (without exception) never has to face or fess up to our own failings, on our own. We are always welcomed by the loving father that God is, who helps us own, acknowledge, apologise, learn, heal and grow through all the flaws and failures of all of our hearts.

Wow, what a parent, what a God, what a gift. And like most gifts, one to be shared as generously with others as God shares it with us.

A limitless love

I’m not a parent so I can’t and wont pretend to know what it is like to be one. I cannot know.

But, what I can and do know, is what it has been like for me to be parented by God Almighty via Jesus Christ. Like all relationships, the more time we spend in someone’s presence, the more we get to know them and discover about them. It is no different in our relationship with God. Having known him for twenty years I now know more about him than I ever have before.

Because of what I have learned, I am committed to continuing to learn about and from God. I have discovered there is nothing more challenging, liberating, amusing or plain enlivening. He is always seeking ways to show himself and speak to us but we’re often too distracted, busy or worried to notice his efforts. (At least, I know I am!) Or, he says something we don’t want to hear so we ignore it in favour of listening to those who will massage our egos, by only telling us what we want to hear! This is great if we wish to stay stuck, not so much if we are seeking the wisdom of God to help us move forward! We choose!

And, he is a God who is available to us all, every moment of every day. He is not a parent who ever turns us away despite the number of other children he has! He is with us 100% of the time whether it feels or looks like it, or not. And his heart is so far above our flawed, selfish hearts that God genuinely welcomes us, with whatever we have in our hearts. He never requires us to hide the hurts or emotions in our hearts that we may have been taught to feel ashamed or afraid of.

God made us; so he sees, knows and welcomes all that we house in our hearts. Especially the ugly emotions! He knows that these cause the most damage when we keep them inside. The latest research shows that unaddressed mental and emotional health impacts our immune systems. This leaves us more vulnerable to the attacks of sickness and disease, that none of us are exempt from. (Read The body keeps the score, by Bessel Van de Kolk, When the body says no, Gabor Mate, if interested in knowing more.)

In these stressful days where the privatisation of the NHS is already happening whether we want it to or not, many are only able to access the health care they need if they can afford to pay privately. Where does this leave those of who cannot afford to take this route?

I remind myself that God Almighty remains above, beyond and within those, under-pressure, yet still delivering what they can, members of the NHS workforce.

When I could not access the help I needed for peri/trauma/long covid/burnout/neurodivergence assessment, for three long, hard years, God sustained me. It didn’t feel like it at the time as my prayers felt stuck on repeat,

“Help me, heal me, help me, heal me. Purleeeaaaase help me, heal me.’

But eventually my pain eased enough for me to see that God was surrounding me with masses of amazing human beings who have loved and supported me – it is these people that I call ‘family’ and who have bought me through, when the NHS couldn’t.

I thank God that after three years, I found an excellent Gp who is now walking me through these health challenges.

Just this week, I have heard numerous people speak of their health issues which have been exacerbated by an inability to access health care, without going private. And even then, some people are still struggling to find medical professionals with the appropriate training or knowledge to address their health issues. Health really is critical to our quality and experience of life.

It would seem to me, biased as I am when it comes to twenty years lived experience of Jesus, that it is has never been more important to recognise that praying to God Almighty is not merely a last option, but one beyond waiting lists or insufficient resources.

The ability and invitation to pray in the name of Jesus remains open to every single one of us. And the God who hears, sees, knows and responds to every need of the human heart, does not ration or restrict our ability to approach him. He is the God and parent who welcomes us coming to him for his help, every time and without exception.

While I do not know what it is to be a parent, I have observed that healthy parenting involves trying to be available to meet a child’s needs, whether emotional, mental, physical or spiritual. We’re not plants so the food, water and shelter approach is not enough.

I take my hats off to parents for attempting such a feat on top of every other part of adulting. And there is no more important job than parenting in creating internal safety and esteem – no parent needs to be perfect as ruptures are inevitable but the working through of these is critical. It is essential to own struggles and ask for help where necessary. It seems insane that parents are not taught how to parent, despite it being the most important role a human can ever play in the life of a child. Those training courses that do exist are key.

But, even with the best will in the world, all of us humans, parents or not, have limitations.

God has no limits when it comes to loving us.

He calls us to have boundaries and to live within them for our own protection and wellbeing. However, God does not limit our calls to him – he hears and responds to every call and cry of the human heart. This does not mean he gives us everything we want, when or how we want it. He puts boundaries on our behaviour because he is not afraid to tell us no, when something is not healthy for us. But he never turns us away or dismisses our call for help. He comes to our aid every time, although not necessarily in our timing or in the way we want or expect! But he always responds.

There is no limit to how often we call out to him or how much help we ask him for. When we call upon the name of Jesus, for help with how we manage and respond to the challenges we face and on behalf of those we love (and some we don’t!), he comes running. He can’t not. This is who he is.

The bottom line is that every single one of us GOES through crap, but God Almighty offers us his helping hand to GROW through it and come out stronger, wiser and kinder.

That’s something I’m always going to ask for large portions of. And when we receive something in life, God’s help, that is wonderful beyond our human ability to comprehend it, I will always want to share it.

So, it gives me great joy to offer prayer to you via the prayer box in Bites & Breezes. You don’t need me to pray for you though, as you can cut out the middle woman and go straight to God yourself.

Please do – he’s a total legend with a sense of humour way superior to any of ours. If you like laughs, call upon the name of Jesus. But, be warned that sometimes the joke is on us!! And sometimes these truths of God’s can evoke an ouch or two, but always his truths bring a freedom that bs never will!

Thanking God for …

This has been a difficult week but like all weeks, one in which God has given me much to be thankful for. The unexpected sunshine for a start! Something September does not guarantee to deliver so each additional day of it, is a treat to be savoured. For me this meant the joy and freedom of cycling to my health club instead of driving. And even eating meals outside – I love to be outside without being rained/snowed on, or frozen.

On Tuesday I took delivery of a stunning, red leather settee and chaise. Wow! I didn’t even know I needed these until I walked in to the charity shop that was selling them! I’ve been reclaiming my house throughout this year, when health has allowed. In addition to increasing comfort levels wherever and however possible, I am increasing colour levels! Out with the beige and in with the bold, bright and beautiful colours! I love these. And I had the privilege of praying the life and love of Jesus over the delivery driver.

On Wednesday night when I joined the local Menopause café, I got to see the beautiful, beaming smile of a good friend, have a hug and learn some new facts. A hattrick of things that I love.

Yesterday, while making the most of the sunshine, I took myself out in to the green open spaces that I am surrounded by. Here I bumped in to some members of my Christian family who I was able to pray with. Further along on my walk, I was greeted by the stunning sight of the last of the sunflowers. Beautiful!

Last night, I did a radio interview with a fabulous neighbour of almost thirty years ago and friend ever since! I asked Jesus to help us flow and … we flowed! I was able to share the learning from my 50^thspeech as to how a strong faith in Jesus combined with a loving family, helps us to turn all crap in to fertiliser for growth! This week has offered a steep learning curve accompanied by some growing pains and powerful learning to carry forward.

I’ve been a member of my health club for four weeks now. Each week when I step on the body mass measuring machine, it tells me what my percentage of muscle mass and fat mass are. The muscle has been on a consistent upward trajectory, where the fat mass has been on a consistent downward trajectory. I have been hugely encouraged to see that my efforts have been paying off here.

However, today when I stepped on the machine, my muscle mass was back down to my original start point and my body fat has increased. I was disappointed by this but not entirely surprised given the volume of stress and subsequent struggle to stomach food that this week has involved.

Oh well, I consoled myself with the knowledge that what I have lost in physical muscle mass, I have gained in spiritual muscle!!

And the biggest gift of the week to thank God for is the huge, loving, wise, truthful family who have loved, supported, prayed for me and confirmed God’s directive to me throughout the whole week – that’s pure gold right there.

I am thanking God for the opportunity to consolidate the learning of the past three years/a lifetime, by applying it to the recent challenge. There is always a gift of growth in every stinking, steaming pile of crap!