jo.loach@gmail.com - Life is calling

Stop gaslighting the human heart

No one likes it when someone complains about everything and everyone in their life while doing nothing about any of it. Or when their narrative consists only of their stellar ability to seek out something to criticise in every situation. When I spend time with such people, I feel like they plug in to my system, suck the energy out and leave me depleted and drained. This is unpleasant at best and interprets as,

‘Limit time and interactions with this person to protect my energy. As they are not ready to take responsibility for themselves, they may be seeking someone to take responsibility for making them feel better.’

The short version is a neon flashing sign reading.

DANGER – MAINTAIN DISTANCE

I have recently been reminded that to miss this negative sign is to blindly walk in to an exhausting dynamic which is costly to get caught in and costly to get uncaught from.

However, our prevailing culture largely demands that we deny such experiences and only speak of all things positive. We must utter words of complimentary praise for ourselves and our fellow human, no matter what. Or face the wrath of the positivity police who parade around seeking someone to shutdown/judge/silence for daring to voice anything different read negative irrespective of it being true.

Please note that I am not suggesting for a minute that we all become like the above example where we can’t open our mouths without speaking negativity or having a negative impact. What I am pointing out is that to demand only positive, or deliver only negative, are both unhealthy approaches that do not show the whole picture.

The cultural prohibition on anything negative, is ironic given the media’s role in feeding the world with words of never-ending negativity about death and destruction. Albeit prioritising certain parts of the world while ignoring the plights of others.

When I look at the human aversion to seeing or speaking of the non-positive alongside the seemingly unsatisfiable hunger for the negative that the media supplies, I see something bigger in the interplay between them. What we are banned from acknowledging in our own lives, we seek to see elsewhere.

The whole picture of the individual human heart and therefore every populated part of humanity; family/church/employer/government/country/world etc contains … positive, negative and the mess in the middle that combines both. When we deny either good or bad in ourselves, it must go somewhere – this is how disowned parts of the shadow self, get projected in to others, who are then condemned for them! Those who refuse to own, much less work on their shadow parts, are particularly prone to projecting in this way.

In psychotherapy terms we refer to the negative side as the shadow side. In current cultural terms, the non-shadow side could be likened to the FB side of ourselves. What we put out to the public is usually the shiniest, sparkliest, version of ourselves. There are also the exceptions of those who hang their dirtiest linen out on the FB line to dry. However, the majority remain somewhere in the middle while bearing more towards the best. This is ordinary human behaviour.

In life beyond Facebook, when we are honest about ourselves, we own our shadow and non-shadow sides. We require both sides to be whole. If we are too fragile to own our shadow sides, we will project these in to those around us, particularly those we don’t like or even envy. This is how the extremely fragile seek to protect themselves from their own shadows.

However, culture typically teaches us to always be positive and never to speak of or dwell on the negative. Nothing wrong with that when applied to the superficial day to day disappointments and frustrations. However, if we deny and dismiss the deeper, more difficult emotions along with what evokes them, we dismiss the invitation within them. The presence of pain whether physical or psychological, points to something that needs attention. To dismiss this, to avoid rocking the boat of the positivity police, is to override a warning at our own risk.

It is not surprising that a culture that condemns us for daring to speak of the difficult, loves to binge on news that is full of the negative. At the opposite extreme, those overwhelmed by dealing with rather than denying the negative in their own lives, may avoid the news altogether. Again, every mix of this exists in between these extremes.

The banning of our shadow sides, individually and collectively, is how prejudices arise and continue. Whatever cannot be owned or tolerated in the individual becomes disowned, projected out, located in a conveniently different individual, who then becomes a target for the one who disowns their shadow side.

When you get a group of individuals who all choose another particular people group to project their collective disowned shadow sides on to, you get particularly shadowy behaviour from the group doing the projecting.

Humans get hurt; physically and psychologically. The pain we feel is a signpost to something that needs addressing. If we ignore this, we permit the ongoing, unquestioned, presence of the pain.

Typically, we do not gaslight ourselves or our fellow humans when feeling or healing from physical injuries. However, it is a cultural norm to gaslight the human hearts natural vulnerability to getting hurt within the ordinary business of living and relating. The norm of negating this natural heart-level-hurt still reigns supreme and largely unchallenged.

This propensity for gaslighting the human heart, has been handed down the generations. When we talk about breaking cycles, we are referring to the generation who stop to question, ‘the way it’s always been done – to establish whether there is a better way’. In this instance by addressing the polarity between the physical and the psychological.

Here are some of our cultural favourites from the, ‘here’s some we prepared earlier (but haven’t’ bothered to update) cue card offerings’. These are often pulled out in the face of some kind of serious heart level hurt.

Don’t dwell on it. It’s in the past. Draw a line. Put it behind you. You need to move on. You should be ok now.

While there can be truths in such sayings, they do not create a whole picture without allowing or acknowledging that healing is a process. These sayings show us how hard we find it to tolerate the hurts of the human heart on anything other than a fleeting level. When we are socially conditioned to believe that emotions are weak and unnecessary, or something to think or pray away, we lose the truth that the hearts capacity to feel the entire range of emotions, is its barometer for aliveness.

When we gaslight the human heart for feeling pain, we are saying,

‘Be better, happy and positive. Immediately. And always. Without needing to walk the messy, painful, lengthy, unpredictable path from whatever caused the hurt, through the impact/pain/cost of it, to the healing.’

This is not only ridiculous and unrealistic, but blatantly cruel. It can also be an expression of ignorance, which can yet be educated when people are willing! But to gaslight the human heart is to demand our fellow human or our self, be at a place of healing, without having to walk the pathway that leads from hurt to healing.

This is the equivalent of saying to someone with two broken legs,

‘It’s happened. It’s done. It’s behind you. You need to stop wallowing/dwelling on it, as you can’t change it. It happened x amount of time ago so you should put it behind you and be up and running by now.’

In other words … BE HEALED. NOW. MINUS THE PROCESS OF HEALING or you’re weak/failing/doing something wrong! This is GASLIGHTING!

Hearts, like every part of the human body, need time, care and sometimes medication/treatments to heal.

The heart does not need shaming, blaming, dismissing, belittling, denying, ignoring, forcing, hiding, overriding or put simply, abusing via refusing to see.

The heart does need seeing, hearing, acknowledging, understanding, respecting, honouring, valuing, supporting and loving, in to healing.

It is time to stop abusing the human heart; our own or each other’s.

It is time to say ‘no’, to gaslighting the human heart.

It is time to acknowledge some hard facts; full, not partial aliveness, includes heart level hurt; we cause it, we receive it.

We cannot jump from hurt, straight to healing. We must walk the path that joins one to the other. It is a process and a messy, painful, often unpredictable one at that.

By investing the time to heal our hearts, we also learn new insights which help us to better protect or prepare ourselves, for certain potentially harm-causing situations in future.

The alternative is to deny/gaslight our heart pain until the body speaks so loudly and disruptively that we are forced to stop and listen.

Or, we can hand out the baton of hurt that we are handed to all and sundry around us as a way of projecting/communicating the pain that cannot be owned or processed in to others.

Let us choose not to pass on the hurt that has been done to us by making those around us feel it.

Let us also choose not to deny the cost/impact/pain done to our hearts or the time required to process and heal a hurt heart.

We can all take steps to stop gaslighting the human heart, by learning to listen to, love and support our own heart.

Change always starts with us. And we start by looking after our own hearts. The healthier our hearts are, the healthier what flows from them, will be.

Autumn’s Invitation

We are surrounded by the stunning colours of leaves changing from living, branch-dancing beauty’s in to dying, drifting to the ground, grass-decorators. This is how the world around us reminds of the natural seasons and cycles that we all transition through.

Autumn invites us to embrace the process of transitioning between seasons. We only need to look around us to see how spectacularly beautiful change can be. Autum invites us to withdraw from the world a little, to replenish our resources. It also asks us to let go of both physical and psychological items and patterns that need releasing/updating. And, we can practice granting ourselves a period of rest and regeneration that must precede any new season of rebirth and renewal.

I keep hearing how people are sorting through and getting shot of old unneeded, dust gatherers, from garages/cupboards/wardrobes. I’m feeling very smug myself after clearing five bags from my own wardrobe. I no longer have a meltdown every time I open the wardrobe door – winning. (Not sure for how long).

These physical sort outs clear physical and psychological space. If we wish to welcome all things new, externally and internally, we must be willing to get shot of the old. This is how we create the necessary space for the new to arise/appear. We can further aid this by consciously stopping to consider what outdated relational patterns we need to shed.

Clue; if we keep getting involved with the same type of characters in an unhelpful way, we need to recognise the invitation to stop to investigate the internal issue behind it. Finding the right counsellor can be key to this. Every time I start a new season of therapy, I think to myself,

‘Wow, counselling is amazing! A space like no other to see what may otherwise go unnoticed, to our detriment. With the right fit and type, counselling can be hugely healing and life enhancing by supporting us to increase what we love and decrease what we don’t, by activating the power to choose.’

And yes, I am bias!

But all the same, we are all a work in progress. We can all benefit from humbling ourselves to ask for help to recognise old, unhelpful, relational patterns so we can grow and heal beyond them. As we shed our old relational imprints and patterns, we release ourselves to step in to new, healthier dynamics.

During a conversation with a woman this morning, we spoke of how reaching the age of fifty, fuels us to say ‘no’, to more of the same old, unsatisfactory relationships (amongst other things). As women, we are programmed to be relentless givers/nice(ripe for exploitation from the takers)/put others first-ers. Fifty appears to be the age when there’s no energy left in the tank to continue this life-sapping approach. Thank God. Thank you, God! Permission granted to say ‘no’ to any bs crossing the line of fifty with us.

Over lunch last Sunday, a fellow super-strong, over-giver remarked that we need to, ‘toughen up’, before instantly correcting herself, with, ‘no, that’s not right’. To which I interjected, ‘no, it’s about wising up’.

Autumn offers the annual invitation to be mindful about what we allow in to any new season with us.

Perimenopause is a massively heightened, exaggerated version of Autumn; identify what/who/where is not coming with you, because it has revealed itself to be part of your past, that needs to be left in the past. This is probably the most valuable investment of time and energy any of us can make as we transition in to new seasons.

And, as the leaves show us, it is a process. As in, it doesn’t happen overnight. We can go through this slowly, mindfully and most powerfully of all, prayerfully.

If you’re not sure what you need to let go of in this season of shedding the old, ask the Lord God Almighty, because he see’s and knows everything. And he will help us to see what is not healthy for us, when we are ready to act upon this, in our own favour. God knows that we often hold on to the familiar for far too long for fear of change, or belief in the lie that,

‘it’s always better the devil you know’.

God often attempts to get us to release our grip of anything unhealthy because he has the healthiest plans for us. If you need encouragement in this, watch the leaves fall away from the branches. You won’t see them clinging on for dear life or hear them wail, ‘but what if the new season never comes …’.

If you need help with any of this (or anything else), feel free to pop a prayer request in the box in the fabulous Bites & Breezes. You can treat yourself to a hot drink or scoff and be blessed by Ozzy and his team.

Or just ask God for whatever you need, yourself. He LOVES it, when us, his children, go to him for help! True story!

Rest is best

We live in a society that holds up busyness like it’s some kind of badge of honour. This can be destructive when taken out of the context of a fuller picture. The ability to knuckle down, focus and do what we must to honour our positions as adults, is essential. As is, humbling ourselves to acknowledge our limitations and struggles and asking for help when we need it. However, like anything in life, if we do not balance this with as dedicated a commitment to the need for rest, we will likely end up exhausted, depleted or even burned out.

A prolonged period of burning the candle at both ends of the day, eventually leads to a candle that burns out completely. It can be a lengthy process to rest enough to reclaim one’s spark after this.

The more we live bound by technology, addicted to our phones and being constantly available through numerous forms to all around us, the more ineffective/disengaged/unavailable and ineffective we become. Was it Steve Jobs who banned his kids from having mobile phones?

Humans need to rest.

These body’s of ours are so complex that we are learning more about how they work, all the time. We are also starting to return to the age old wisdom of our predecessors who lived more in their body’s and less in their heads. I don’t imagine that during hunting expeditions with the express goal of securing dinner, fellow hunters were worrying about what their fellow hunter was chasing or what anyone back at the cave was thinking about them!

We have access to our whole body of knowledge and wisdom, (no pun intended) yet often busy ourselves to such a degree that we miss or dismiss this.

The antidote to this is to slow down, pipe down, sit down and at regular points, allow oneself to disengage brain and simply be in the body. Whether to pay attention enough to notice what our body is asking of us, or to enjoy the world around us and be available to those we meet along the way.

These complex bodys of ours are constantly working in ways that are invisible to us but vital to our organs, functioning and health. When we fail to let the body be still enough to dedicate resources to all the behind-the-scenes work, we become tired. When we ignore this, we become vulnerable to becoming ill. The go-go-go approach to life will possibly fast track us to the gone-and-not-coming-back stage.

We need to give ourselves permission to fall back in love with the art of rest. Or if we refuse to do this, we must at least accept, consciously, that we are choosing to sacrifice our quality of life/peace/health/enjoyment.

Recently, I’ve become increasingly aware, particularly amongst women, (it’s present in a slightly different way for men) that we have internalised a set of man/family/culture made rules that say we must constantly strive/slog guts out/work long hours/override the bodily warning systems/drive self to an early grave/ in order to be seen as, ‘hard working’, or to avoid being seen as ‘lazy’ or ‘work-shy’. There is of course an entire range between these two extremes.

When we have internalised these ‘rules’ of rigidity that restrict our life/work/play/rest balance, it can be hard to update them. Yet the older we get, the more our body protests when we push it beyond its limits. We would do well to heed these warnings and respond accordingly. When we identify the rules that restrict us, we can begin to update them to support us to learn, grow and heal.

Rest is not cheating/laziness/weakness/waste of life/incompetence/something to do when dead, unless in a hurry to get there.

Rest is the best medicine (after healthy love) that we can commit to giving our bodily systems on a regular basis. We refuse it this most basic need to our own detriment. Times of stress/illness; physical or psychological require increased rest to support the natural healing process. To refuse this is to take resources away from the healing process, thus prolonging it.

Recently I lent someone a book. I think all women, especially Christian, who have been indoctrinated in to believing that God has a whip at our backs constantly, should read it.

It is, ‘Nice girls don’t change the world’, by Lynne Hybels (Lynne is a wonderful woman and writer who also happens to be a pastors wife).

This book speaks to the subject of women believing they have to earn God’s love. Or else. I’m not sure or else what, but it doesn’t sound appealing.

Anyway, Lynne speaks of her own process of recognising, it was not God who was driving her so hard. She realised that she was exhausted and resentful, accompanied by guilt, because ‘nice, especially, nice Christian girls’ don’t feel such sinful feelings, right?!

What a crock of the brown stuff! And, we are not girls but grown arse women who often need support to identify the man-made, ego massaging rules that we carry inside us. Once we recognise them, we can align and update them to fit God’s truths. I don’t know whether I believe the literal translation of God making the world in six days but I trust the point that if God needs to rest, man/woman definitely do.

Here is one of my favourite passages from Lynne, which is a response she got from God. (additions in brackets from me).

‘I love you so much that I want you to rest. I want you to sit and receive the refreshment of my creation. I want you to listen to music. I want you to dance in the quietness of your bedroom (lounge/supermarkets/all over the shop). I want you to be like a child, secure and free in the presence of an adoring parent.

I want you to know that all those years when you were working so hard to try to please me, I was trying to tell you to slow down. I saw you KILLING YOURSELF from the inside out and I tried to stop you. But the many false voices in your head (internalised man-made rules) drowned out the single true voice in your heart’.

I love this! If we have been driving ourselves this hard, we can stop doing this!

Once I read a great quote, I can’t remember who by, which said something like,

‘The fun is not in having nothing to do, but in having lots to do and choosing not to do it’!

A non-negotiable part of adulting is that there is always work to be done. An optional approach to this is constantly reassessing the priority that really cannot wait, as well as that which can. This must also be aligned to our body’s capacity at the time. Again, if we’re in deficit, we may need to ask for help.

This is not easy but it is an essential, everchanging, part of healthy adulting.

As a self-confessed crap-at-resting human, I am becoming increasingly committed to practising rest. My body has made repeated interventions in recent years to slow me down or totally floor me. Sometimes I learn embarrassingly slowly. But I do learn. Eventually!

And I use what I know about myself to help me to strengthen this weakness of mine. For example, I just had a week in Portugal. I love the sunshine, although not directly on my head or face. I love being warm, but not too warm. Ditto cold! Even more tricky when your body’s barometer is up the creek due to the refurb of peri. And I like water; gazing at it, paddling in it, swimming, running alongside it and watching the sun rise or set over it. Therefore, I cancelled a break I originally booked that was very different to this and not what I needed at this time. Instead, I booked the break that gave me all of the above and some, because I needed it.

While I find it near impossible at times, to sit still, if I am warm, with an amazing view and the option to get wet, I can just about do it. Nature is one of my most effective assistants to support me to rest. I am blown away by the beauty of creation in each and every season. This means that I stop to see, savour and be soothed by it. It aids my quest to indulge in sufficient times of rest-festing.

Whatever supports us to rest or prevents us from doing so (internal rules about it), rest is an essential part of ongoing maintenance.

If you need help with any of this, please feel free to complete a prayer card at Ozzie’s Bites n Breezes. Even better why not pop in for a lush coffee or some eats to stop, eat and connect with others.

Rest really is best.

The sacrificial love of a father

In the past week I’ve listened to two young men describe the love they feel for their children. I noticed their face and eyes lit up as they described their powerful experience of dedicating themselves to putting the needs of their little people before their own. Only a self-sacrificing love that focuses on the other can make a man’s face shine like that.

I remarked to them both that the love they described for their children is what the ultimate father, God, feels for us human children, irrespective of age. Or rather what us humans feel for one another is probably a fraction of what the living God feels for each of us.

How humbling, encouraging, mind blowing and heart expanding to meditate on the heart, character and nature of the ultimate Father God, who see’s, knows and loves us all anyway!!

Typically, we tend to expect God as Father to behave as our own father’s have. Many women of my generation had father’s who were unable to contain their anger or to discipline us without using terror to control in us, what they could not control in themselves. Many of our father’s had fathers who fought in the war and were expected to return to their families as if unaffected.

However, the research, understanding or support about trauma was nowhere near as advanced as it is now. Without support to process their unimaginable experiences, many of these war surviving men would have unconsciously acted out the very feelings that they could not manage or verbalise themselves, upon their children. This is how intergenerational trauma gets handed down. And how family culture gets created and maintained if left unaddressed or healed. I think it’s important to add that many of these fathers also made excellent providers through seeking refuge in their work. Think of the message within Mary Poppins.

I don’t know what it is to be a father or even a mother! But I’ve seen and heard enough to know it’s not for the faint hearted! My observations highlight that all unresolved psychological issues get passed down the familial line along with some sickness and diseases.

Whatever parents inherit through family on a psychological level, will be tapped in to, (think buttons pressed) by the children whose job it is to test their parents in such a way – this is how the teachable parent learns and grows beyond the limitations and unhealed wounds of their own parents! If they choose to accept such a challenge! Asking for help from on high is a good starting point!

I know this is easy for me to say as a non-parent! As one who couldn’t get her shit together in time to reproduce, the nearest I get to this phenomenon is through my work. I hold space for the unresolved parental issues to be worked through in the context of the therapeutic relationship. This is not a substitute for parenting. But it does illuminate the relational patterns internalised through how our parents, parented us.

All too often we then expect God to parent us in the same way whether it was good, bad or the more likely mix of all. We must work through these past, parental relational template patterns if we want to create new, healthier patterns. By simply denying or dismissing the past, we deny and dismiss the opportunity to grow out of and beyond it.

I am massively thankful to God for blessing me with a man I call my Church dad. The one and fabulous-only Johnboy; long serving, long suffering, long sacrificing man who shows me what a dad can be like. Whether putting up pictures in my house (it’s not straight John!), organising my birthday meals and cakes, praying for me and sending me scriptures in difficult times, Monty cat-sitting, or generally being a top banana human being.

John is available, attentive, kind, thoughtful and full of Godly wisdom. John models the sacrificial love of a father to me. And I am immensely grateful to God for the gift that John is to me. And I pray that I am a gift to him too because the win/win is the way of God’s heart. The way that John models being a father gives me experiential insight into the heart of the ultimate Father.

God’s love is a love that welcomes us any time of the day or night. There is literally nothing we cannot bring to him. He always awaits us with open embrace. He is the Father to whom we can take our rage, pain, disappointment, resentment, shock or anything else to. This is true whether such emotions are evoked by the conduct of others or our own!

God is a parent who loves us enough to recognise that our bad or just off, behaviour comes from the unhealed parts of our hearts. And therefore, he offers us the safety and sanctuary required to be still, lick our wounds and let him comfort and calm our stressed systems in his loving presence.

Then, when we are ready, he gently helps us to heal from the behaviour of others. He doesn’t leave us there as he also helps us to recognise and take responsibility for our own behaviour, when it is lacking. He knows that we all mess up and he waits patiently for us to bring our mess ups and mistakes to him. He loves to help us to do our part in owning, acknowledging and apologising whenever we fall short (EVERY single time we do it). He gives us His grace, humility and love when we mess up so we know we can always bring our mistakes to him. We do not need to be bound by fear, secrecy or shame. God loves to release us from these so we can learn, grow and heal in His loving presence. And then we can try to share these with others when they mess up with us.

When we refuse to own up to our mistakes, we are choosing to be bound by guilt, shame and fear of punishment. To admit our mistakes and ask God’s assistance to help clear them up, is to keep our hearts clean, take responsibility for the impact of our actions on others (irrespective of intention) and to apologise for them.

This is how we live with healthy hearts – this is the freedom that comes from being truthful about ourselves. We are only responsible for our own conduct and the maintenance of our own hearts.

The only perfect parent in existence (if not bodily form) loves us with such a sacrificial love that he allowed Jesus to endure the torture of the Cross. This means that every single one of us (without exception) never has to face or fess up to our own failings, on our own. We are always welcomed by the loving father that God is, who helps us own, acknowledge, apologise, learn, heal and grow through all the flaws and failures of all of our hearts.

Wow, what a parent, what a God, what a gift. And like most gifts, one to be shared as generously with others as God shares it with us.

A limitless love

I’m not a parent so I can’t and wont pretend to know what it is like to be one. I cannot know.

But, what I can and do know, is what it has been like for me to be parented by God Almighty via Jesus Christ. Like all relationships, the more time we spend in someone’s presence, the more we get to know them and discover about them. It is no different in our relationship with God. Having known him for twenty years I now know more about him than I ever have before.

Because of what I have learned, I am committed to continuing to learn about and from God. I have discovered there is nothing more challenging, liberating, amusing or plain enlivening. He is always seeking ways to show himself and speak to us but we’re often too distracted, busy or worried to notice his efforts. (At least, I know I am!) Or, he says something we don’t want to hear so we ignore it in favour of listening to those who will massage our egos, by only telling us what we want to hear! This is great if we wish to stay stuck, not so much if we are seeking the wisdom of God to help us move forward! We choose!

And, he is a God who is available to us all, every moment of every day. He is not a parent who ever turns us away despite the number of other children he has! He is with us 100% of the time whether it feels or looks like it, or not. And his heart is so far above our flawed, selfish hearts that God genuinely welcomes us, with whatever we have in our hearts. He never requires us to hide the hurts or emotions in our hearts that we may have been taught to feel ashamed or afraid of.

God made us; so he sees, knows and welcomes all that we house in our hearts. Especially the ugly emotions! He knows that these cause the most damage when we keep them inside. The latest research shows that unaddressed mental and emotional health impacts our immune systems. This leaves us more vulnerable to the attacks of sickness and disease, that none of us are exempt from. (Read The body keeps the score, by Bessel Van de Kolk, When the body says no, Gabor Mate, if interested in knowing more.)

In these stressful days where the privatisation of the NHS is already happening whether we want it to or not, many are only able to access the health care they need if they can afford to pay privately. Where does this leave those of who cannot afford to take this route?

I remind myself that God Almighty remains above, beyond and within those, under-pressure, yet still delivering what they can, members of the NHS workforce.

When I could not access the help I needed for peri/trauma/long covid/burnout/neurodivergence assessment, for three long, hard years, God sustained me. It didn’t feel like it at the time as my prayers felt stuck on repeat,

“Help me, heal me, help me, heal me. Purleeeaaaase help me, heal me.’

But eventually my pain eased enough for me to see that God was surrounding me with masses of amazing human beings who have loved and supported me – it is these people that I call ‘family’ and who have bought me through, when the NHS couldn’t.

I thank God that after three years, I found an excellent Gp who is now walking me through these health challenges.

Just this week, I have heard numerous people speak of their health issues which have been exacerbated by an inability to access health care, without going private. And even then, some people are still struggling to find medical professionals with the appropriate training or knowledge to address their health issues. Health really is critical to our quality and experience of life.

It would seem to me, biased as I am when it comes to twenty years lived experience of Jesus, that it is has never been more important to recognise that praying to God Almighty is not merely a last option, but one beyond waiting lists or insufficient resources.

The ability and invitation to pray in the name of Jesus remains open to every single one of us. And the God who hears, sees, knows and responds to every need of the human heart, does not ration or restrict our ability to approach him. He is the God and parent who welcomes us coming to him for his help, every time and without exception.

While I do not know what it is to be a parent, I have observed that healthy parenting involves trying to be available to meet a child’s needs, whether emotional, mental, physical or spiritual. We’re not plants so the food, water and shelter approach is not enough.

I take my hats off to parents for attempting such a feat on top of every other part of adulting. And there is no more important job than parenting in creating internal safety and esteem – no parent needs to be perfect as ruptures are inevitable but the working through of these is critical. It is essential to own struggles and ask for help where necessary. It seems insane that parents are not taught how to parent, despite it being the most important role a human can ever play in the life of a child. Those training courses that do exist are key.

But, even with the best will in the world, all of us humans, parents or not, have limitations.

God has no limits when it comes to loving us.

He calls us to have boundaries and to live within them for our own protection and wellbeing. However, God does not limit our calls to him – he hears and responds to every call and cry of the human heart. This does not mean he gives us everything we want, when or how we want it. He puts boundaries on our behaviour because he is not afraid to tell us no, when something is not healthy for us. But he never turns us away or dismisses our call for help. He comes to our aid every time, although not necessarily in our timing or in the way we want or expect! But he always responds.

There is no limit to how often we call out to him or how much help we ask him for. When we call upon the name of Jesus, for help with how we manage and respond to the challenges we face and on behalf of those we love (and some we don’t!), he comes running. He can’t not. This is who he is.

The bottom line is that every single one of us GOES through crap, but God Almighty offers us his helping hand to GROW through it and come out stronger, wiser and kinder.

That’s something I’m always going to ask for large portions of. And when we receive something in life, God’s help, that is wonderful beyond our human ability to comprehend it, I will always want to share it.

So, it gives me great joy to offer prayer to you via the prayer box in Bites & Breezes. You don’t need me to pray for you though, as you can cut out the middle woman and go straight to God yourself.

Please do – he’s a total legend with a sense of humour way superior to any of ours. If you like laughs, call upon the name of Jesus. But, be warned that sometimes the joke is on us!! And sometimes these truths of God’s can evoke an ouch or two, but always his truths bring a freedom that bs never will!

Thanking God for …

This has been a difficult week but like all weeks, one in which God has given me much to be thankful for. The unexpected sunshine for a start! Something September does not guarantee to deliver so each additional day of it, is a treat to be savoured. For me this meant the joy and freedom of cycling to my health club instead of driving. And even eating meals outside – I love to be outside without being rained/snowed on, or frozen.

On Tuesday I took delivery of a stunning, red leather settee and chaise. Wow! I didn’t even know I needed these until I walked in to the charity shop that was selling them! I’ve been reclaiming my house throughout this year, when health has allowed. In addition to increasing comfort levels wherever and however possible, I am increasing colour levels! Out with the beige and in with the bold, bright and beautiful colours! I love these. And I had the privilege of praying the life and love of Jesus over the delivery driver.

On Wednesday night when I joined the local Menopause café, I got to see the beautiful, beaming smile of a good friend, have a hug and learn some new facts. A hattrick of things that I love.

Yesterday, while making the most of the sunshine, I took myself out in to the green open spaces that I am surrounded by. Here I bumped in to some members of my Christian family who I was able to pray with. Further along on my walk, I was greeted by the stunning sight of the last of the sunflowers. Beautiful!

Last night, I did a radio interview with a fabulous neighbour of almost thirty years ago and friend ever since! I asked Jesus to help us flow and … we flowed! I was able to share the learning from my 50^thspeech as to how a strong faith in Jesus combined with a loving family, helps us to turn all crap in to fertiliser for growth! This week has offered a steep learning curve accompanied by some growing pains and powerful learning to carry forward.

I’ve been a member of my health club for four weeks now. Each week when I step on the body mass measuring machine, it tells me what my percentage of muscle mass and fat mass are. The muscle has been on a consistent upward trajectory, where the fat mass has been on a consistent downward trajectory. I have been hugely encouraged to see that my efforts have been paying off here.

However, today when I stepped on the machine, my muscle mass was back down to my original start point and my body fat has increased. I was disappointed by this but not entirely surprised given the volume of stress and subsequent struggle to stomach food that this week has involved.

Oh well, I consoled myself with the knowledge that what I have lost in physical muscle mass, I have gained in spiritual muscle!!

And the biggest gift of the week to thank God for is the huge, loving, wise, truthful family who have loved, supported, prayed for me and confirmed God’s directive to me throughout the whole week – that’s pure gold right there.

I am thanking God for the opportunity to consolidate the learning of the past three years/a lifetime, by applying it to the recent challenge. There is always a gift of growth in every stinking, steaming pile of crap!

You’re different

I’ve felt different all my life; like I’m on the outside looking in, wondering why I’m not like the majority around me. At least I did until I met my best friend Sammy G at primary school – we were the same kind of different, and we bonded instantly. Ours is a bond that is unbreakable irrespective of distance or time apart. Thank you, God, for the gift of Sammy G and her family!

I’ve always felt afraid that my difference meant there was something wrong with me – a message that my family regularly re-inforced. I was too sensitive, too dramatic, too moody, too much of a female when they wanted a boy and just too much, in short! And as an adult, too unwilling to leave the family secrets festering in the dark when they need the light to bring healing.

But today, I know my difference is down to neurodiversity. I’m now ready to own, embrace, enjoy, share and celebrate this 100%.

On the lead up to my fiftieth party on Saturday, people kept looking at me and exclaiming,

“Jo, you’re different”!

And I am. And in this respect, I am choosing to take this comment as a compliment, whether intended that way or not! A wise woman (my first counsellor) once told me some twenty years ago that if we intend offence, people can still choose not to take it. And that for others, no matter how well meaning our intent they will choose to be offended regardless! How very true. The person who is seeking to blame others for their pain by directing it outwards, is the person in need of our compassion, prayers and probably counselling!

The difference people are currently referring to in me, is the visible external one as I’ve cut my hair off. I’m letting go of all things old as well as coming out of hiding, whether the world is ready for me or not! I’ve always felt like I need to hide the full expression of myself because it doesn’t conform to societal conditioning or norms. Not anymore. F*** that. I choose freedom and I choose to express myself fully from here on in. Feel free to like, dislike or ignore me. That’s your choice. My choice is to continue to own and express all that God Almighty has made me to be.

No more living inside the box of other people’s cultural fears and limitations whether in or outside of my beloved Church family.

Lots more living outside of all boxes for me!!

When I checked with a leader in my fabulous church whether I was too much or whether she needed me to get back in my box, I was told,

“No Jo, we want you outside your box”!

I’m not sure this person fully understood how literally I would take this!!!

Anyway, hooray for being different; neuro spicy I call it; colourful, wonder-full and fun-full (mostly!). That’s me and that’s my people!

PS I’m still awaiting my formal diagnosis of neurospicyness. This may come in by my sixtieth judging by the waiting lists! But hey, when you know, you know …

Fam-i-lee

According to the online Encyclopaedia substitute that is Google, one of the definitions for the word Family is …

“ … all the descendants of a common ancestor…’

That means you, me and us. Somewhere along the line.

Family is the foundation upon which our relational templates are created. However, all too often the word family brings up associations of heartache/estrangements/bereavement/loss/misunderstandings/illness and all the other crap that relationships can bring.

Family is everything. It is nearly impossible to have a conversation that does not involve the subject of family. We are surrounded by signs that speak of family. Even house furnishings are full of slogans about family or even just couples. I don’t see house signs about how great it is to be single and not to have to fight over the sofa, the remote control, the menu, the washing up, the temperature or anything else. Or about how freeing it is to only have people you want to have in your house and to set your own time boundaries about when you want them to go!! Perhaps I have identified a gap in the market! If I didn’t already have about 8000 creative projects on the go, I may have followed this up!

Some of us have experienced abuse at the hands of our family. For us, the constant barrage of ‘what a blessing family are’, can feel like the slap around the chops that just keeps slapping. While no family is all good or all bad, but more a mix of somewhere in between, being constantly reminded that your family falls more into the unhealthy category is not always helpful.

Fortunately, at the age of fifty, I have been able to grow beyond my family experiences. I can now fully see and accept the incredible ‘family’ of people that God has surrounded me with over the past twenty years.

On Saturday, I celebrated my fiftieth party with many of the people who make up my present-day family. As I gave my speech, I looked out at this family of mine and I thought,

“Wow, what a beautiful, colourful, phenomenal family I have”.

And I thought of the quote that says it takes an entire village to raise a child. I realised that it has taken a huge and growing family of people who all started as strangers, to bring me through the worst three years of my adult life. In other words, it has taken a huge amount of people to love me through the lingering effects of the childhood abuse from my own family.

Within the context of family we can get hurt and we can get healed. If we are lucky, we experience both within the same family. But only when each party has the courage to own their part.

When we are unlucky in so far as we have family who cannot own their part, we may need to seek our healing within the context of family that exists way beyond the biological.

The way I see life is that God deals us all a set of cards; some we love and some we do not.

I did not enjoy the abusive atmosphere I grew up (it wasn’t all bad and there is much I am thankful for too), but God gave me a gift for going out into the world and connecting with people wherever I go.

Right from adolescence I met my best friend at junior school and spent as much time as possible at her home. It was full of people (she is one of seven siblings!), dogs, cockatiels and LIFE. I liked being there and I did not like being at my home. I am very grateful for her and for all the amazing family’s who followed, who have also embraced me.

It was the family in New Zealand who loved me so much, I wanted to find out about their Jesus, who subsequently became my Jesus! Living with them on their dairy farm in the middle of nowhere was like experiencing a personalised rehab program. I quit smoking, drinking and taking drugs and took up photographing flowers, baking cakes and singing for Jesus (and inhaling sugar so much I gained two stones!). Transformation!

I’ve since been part of four churches in the twenty years since I’ve known Jesus. I have lots of amazing memories and a few questionable ones! And they may say the same about me!

But now, at the age of fifty, I realise I have an incredible family made up of those who share my faith and those who don’t. I don’t need to surround myself with people who only look, sound and think like me (boring!). I love to meet and to learn from people who are different to me. Even within my incredible church family who have given me love and stability for the past sixteen years, we don’t necessarily share the same theology on all subjects. But in a healthy family, there is room for difference and disagreement.

I am very grateful for every member of my family – if their heart has touched mine, they are in my family.

I am also learning that not everyone belongs in my family. God is teaching me about boundaries – a key skill that you don’t learn in an abusive family. But my blossoming boundaries mean that if a person is behaving in a way I find questionable, I will put a different boundary in to guard my own heart and health! And if they don’t like that, that’s a ‘them problem’!

In this season, I am celebrating family … as the people who show up for me in my time of need as well as in my time of celebration.

I am so thankful for every member of my family and I will do all I can to support and celebrate each of them. I do have limitations and I am learning about boundaries as I need to be wise about protecting my energy, especially post burnout.

But, I have learned that the family we choose for ourselves and who choose us back are a two-way blessing. A win/lose is a lose for me. And my God is the God of the win/win. Wha-hey!

“Oh, you’re religious”

When I returned from adventuring in Asia/Australasia twenty years ago, no-one was more surprised than I was, that God had got a grip on me.

“Oh, you found God on your travels, did you?”,

Was the question asked by some of the cynics, with or without eyerolling!

“No, I wasn’t looking for God, but he definitely got my attention”, was my reply.

Having never set foot in a church pre-thirty, it hadn’t occurred to me that church was where I would find the wisdom I had longed for. Perhaps I was just sick enough of living out the lies that life is supposed to be crap, you’re supposed to hate your job and drink and drugs is how to get through it all.

I was desperately wanting to find and believe there could be a better, richer, healthier, more fulfilling way to live out my days. I just never saw it coming from inside a church! I was completely ignorant about the Christian faith. All I learned from my parents was that ‘they didn’t want any ruddy bible bashers knocking at their door, thanks!’ And so when I went to church and the words of wisdom spoke of a template for life that made sense to me, I was eager to sign up.

I can’t honestly say I’ve never looked back because I’ve learned from slow, hard, repeated experience that knowing God does not exempt any of us from challenges! But it does mean that between him and the amazing family he has surrounded me with, I am never alone in walking and working through these challenges. And I can say, hand on heart, that this is way better than doing life on my own.

During these past twenty years, I’ve known God and been grateful and surprised that he knows and loves me, despite my messy past. I’ve also lost count of the number of times people have commented,

“Oh, you’re religious are you?”

This is usually in response to me mentioning something about church or God or Jesus.

It is sometimes said in a surprised tone or disappointed or intrigued, depending on the experience of the one commenting.

It irritates me when people say this. I realise I’m being hypocritical as I too had a totally unfounded yet negative idea about what a Christian was. (I am human after all, at least on the good days!)

To be fair, the term, ‘religious’ means something different to each of us. My irritation is based on the associations it evokes in me. When I hear the word ‘religious’, it conjures up images of man-made rules, rigidly adhered to, to protect man-made ego’s and agendas.

For me, while we can all be found guilty of making God in our own image, God is a God of love and compassion, above all else. He does give us a set of rules to provide protective boundaries for how we engage with life. And he uses his relationship with us, which is founded on his unconditional, unearned, undeserved love, to convey these boundaries to us in a way that we can recognise, they are for our benefit. He is also gracious, forgiving and patient enough to bear with us and help us as we learn, fail and try again, to live within these boundaries.

He is not like us; naturally selfish, impatient and unforgiving! Phew.

And he longs for every one of us to see and know that he sees, knows and loves us; the good, bad, ugly and indifferent within us. He wants us to receive his love, as this helps us to grow, heal and practice living more in his ways and less in ours.

And there aint any better gift in life than that of God’s love, healing, comfort, compassion, 1:1 mentoring and more.

I don’t call that religion. I call it the gift of a lifetime. And one that is available to us all.

Menopause may impact mental health

Stats from the British Menopause Society (BMS) on menopausal symptoms

50% of women say their home life is impacted
More than 1/3 say their work life is impacted
42% have an average of 7 symptoms which are much worse than anticipated
36% say their social lives are impacted
50% of menopausal women who have experienced symptoms over the past 10 years, have not consulted a health professional

Every one of us will be affected at some point by the top to toe refurb otherwise known as menopause, that every woman goes through – whether husbands, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, children, other relatives, colleagues, neighbours or any other human.

While some women have little to no symptoms, and some manage to gain the appropriate medical support promptly, many do not. A fact that has been acknowledged by the medical profession who subsequently introduced mandatory training for Gp’s, on Menopause, in 2024. This delay despite women making up half the population. However while the lateness of this beggars belief, even late, slow progress is still progress.

I was recently reminded of the fact that many women still struggle alone with menopausal symptoms. They often wrongly believe that everyone else is coping and they should be too. Some women are coping whether because they don’t experience such debilitating symptoms or have secured helpful support. But for many, the symptoms are so debilitating as to stop some previously high-flying career women from working at all.

This is clearly an unacceptable reality but one that requires all to participate in changing the tide. This includes women who are not suffering in menopause, accepting that others may have a very different experience. It is unhelpful and unkind to dismiss the experience of a woman struggling with menopause if this is not your own experience.

It was a conversation I had with a local woman who was starting on HRT, that compelled me to write this. Personally, it took me three years of fighting for help to find the excellent GP who is now walking and supporting me through everything menopause related. But just because I’m now being helped and supported doesn’t mean this is true for all. The conversation I had, re-ignited my passion for the injustice of so many women still suffering with symptoms and still struggling to access appropriate support and help.

As taken from the Balance-Menopause website, the latest research conducted by researchers at the Liverpool Moores University and Newson Research, states …

‘Suicide rates among women aged 45–55, the age when perimenopause and menopause typically happens, are notably higher, which could potentially be linked to hormonal fluctuations that affect mood regulation. Despite this, little qualitative research has been carried on the relationship between perimenopause, menopause and mental health challenges, including suicidality.

Researchers at the Liverpool John Moores University and Newson Research spoke to 42 women who experienced suicidal thoughts or mental health problems during perimenopause. Women reported varying degrees of suicidality, from abstract thoughts to suicide attempts, and feelings of hopelessness and entrapment were identified as common triggers.

Other findings from the research, which included interviews with women from the Newson Clinic and the general population, included:

Delays in receiving appropriate hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and misdiagnoses, such as being prescribed antidepressants instead of HRT, worsened symptoms
Women reported significant improvements in mental wellbeing after receiving timely HRT
Support from loved ones and colleagues, and lifestyle changes were also identified as beneficial.

Researchers concluded that better understanding, quicker access to hormone treatment and more support from health professionals could save lives, and that more open conversations are needed.’

For more expert facts, stats and advice, try Dr Louise Newson for her Balance FB page. This offers expert opinions, and includes an App to track cycles and symptoms. This app can support us women to capture and convey symptoms, to share with a Gp, which in turn helps them to prescribe the most helpful treatment. There is an informative an helpful article in the library of The Balance-Menopause website, which gives details on how best to approach a Gp appointment.

For readers, I recommend, ‘Older and wider’, by Jenny Éclair (hilarious) and, ‘What is wrong with me?’, by Lorraine Candy (encouraging). For those preferring TV or podcasts, all things Davinia McCall.

Menopause is when a woman has had no period for over twelve months. Perimenopause is the time preceding this when periods may change by becoming lighter/shorter/heavier/erratic/different. Our system may then start to malfunction in multiple ways as hormones are connected to most parts of the body’s functioning, stretching way beyond hot flushes.

What I wish I had known before entering perimenopause is, 1) it existed, 2) that it can start in the 40’s (earlier for some), 3) that a basic level of menopause training has only been included in Gp’s training since 2024, 4) to trust ourselves as we are the expert on our own body and therefore to persevere until finding a Gp who has had, or sought Menopause training, or a Menopause Nurse, who listens, understands and helps. There are some excellent and suitably trained medical professionals in the NHS so for those of us who can’t afford to go private, don’t give up until you find one.

Perimenopause is like a top to toe refurbishment that changes the body from being able to house a growing baby, to not. Some lucky women have no symptoms (trying not to be envious), some have a few and some of us have tons!

The symptoms that may be experienced range from; anxiety/depression (try oestrogen before anti-depressants in line with NICE recommendations), fatigue, sleeplessness, brain fog, difficulty making decisions (even what to wear/eat), forgetting words/trains of thought, walking in to things (regular bruising), losing things (especially the plot), rage (Tourette’s style swearing), tearfulness, nausea, joint pain and many more.

As a Christian, I’ve had a few choice conversations with the Almighty about how he didn’t come down here in a female body!

These symptoms can be hugely debilitating which does NOT mean we are weak, failing or ‘should’ be ok. Every woman’s body is different in experience, as well as in what helps or hinders it. Furthermore, the latest research shows that history plays a role as symptoms may be exacerbated by childhood trauma (Adverse Childhood Experience ACE), long covid (proven to impact ovaries, thus hormones), stress and neurodivergence. When any/all of these are present, the risk of burnout also increases.

However, don’t despair, if you want to know you are not going mad, or alone, there is an extremely friendly Menopause group who meet bimonthly in Ruth’s Café, Stotfold.

Vicky Sharpe, who runs a Physiotherapy clinic, Physio Health Hub, hosts The Menopause Café as a welcoming space to chat, share experiences and support one another through the menopause journey. The café opens at 7.30pm with a speaker on a specialist subject starting at 8pm and closing at 9pm. The next meeting is Wednesday 24^th September with a menopause coach, speaking. Anyone is welcome to come along.