jo.loach@gmail.com - Life is calling

Saying ‘No’

I am aware of a collective difficulty around saying no.

The ability to use the word ‘no’ appropriately and confidently is vital to our mental and emotional health.

‘No’ is a boundary, whose purpose is to protect what lays beyond; the self.

To maintain responsibility for all parts of our health we must recognise and manage our daily capacity for functioning.

We all have strengths, weaknesses, time, talents, responsibilities, challenges, blessings, feelings, thoughts, needs and limitations.

In recognising the legitimacy of these, we can take better care of ourselves when balancing the give and take of daily living. This subsequently enables us to care for others from a healthier place.

Typically our culture congratulates people ‘who always put others first’. We are less likely to acknowledge that such people may be secretly dying of the resentment that accompanies prolonged unmet needs.

To clarify, I am not suggesting the opposite position of always putting self first.

It is not always other or always self but a balance of sometimes prioritising self and sometimes other.

In my work as a Psychotherapist I regularly hear how difficult many people find it to say ‘no’, whether to the boss with unreasonable expectations or within personal relationships.

To preserve mental and emotional health which impact physical health, we must recognise our limitations and learn when to put limits on others demands by saying ‘no’.

When we respect the legitimacy of our own needs and limitations, we can say no to others before reaching crisis point. We do not need to explain, justify or enter in to the type of negotiations that invite the other to talk us out of our no.

No is no.

The more solid and honest our ‘no’, the more heartfelt our ‘yes’ can become.

Jesus & Coleslaw

After a most enjoyable evening amongst friends, I was challenged to write a post with the above title.

Obviously, I cannot resist a challenge.

We started our evening as all good evenings begin … with a meal. The food I ordered arrived minus the coleslaw that it was advertised as including. As I was looking forward to this and I refuse to be one of those English folks who pretend it’s ok before spending the evening moaning about it not being ok (been there, done that, didn’t get a t-shirt or the coleslaw), I told the waitress I ordered it with coleslaw and I wanted coleslaw! And she replied that she would get me a pot of coleslaw which meant that it would be a larger portion than the one that would ordinarily have accompanied the meal.

Get in, thank you and high five Jesus, I remarked to my friends!

What?

Jesus got your coleslaw, one enquired, uncomprehendingly?!

I explained that in my understanding and subsequent lived experience, this being a case in point, Jesus is not only interested in the super religious, formal, holier than thou aspects of our lives (whatever they may look like) but in all areas of our lives and His word tells us that He provides.

He provides.

There is no small print trying to exempt Himself from delivering on certain fronts. He provides for the birds of the air, the lilies of the fields and so much more, for you and I.

I don’t believe we are to limit or restrict Him by attempting to reduce Him to only providing in whatever small ways we consider to be appropriate. I just don’t buy the idea that it is our role to squeeze Him into little culturally dictated moulds any more than it is His, to reduce us to fit tiny religiously determined boxes.

What I do believe is that He is way bigger than we and certainly I, give Him credit for.

God does not fit in a box nor call us to.

I believe He calls us to take Him at His word – a whole beautiful bible full of it.

He provides.

And he is not a tight or a stingy God, but a generous one.

Yet, He is a God that requires us to respond by developing the faith to take Him at His word and trust in His ongoing provision sufficiently enough to relax in to and depend upon Him to meet all of our needs and some of our wants!

What I am witnessing as I put these words, I profess to believe into action, is that when I step back out of trust, God steps in to provide.

Boom.

This has led me to look back on various situations and reflect with a sigh, … ‘Oh me of little faith.’

I often ponder how unrecognisable our lives may be if only we truly and expansively took God at His word, whether in relation to his promise to provide or anything else.

As I practice trusting in His provision more, I believe He is challenging me and you and us, to know that He is not the God of the just scraping through or the God of stinginess. Whilst I also don’t buy in to the TV evangelists claims of prosperity, where applied in a way that takes the focus off Jesus, I equally don’t believe He is a God who leads us to poverty. This is not to say that neither exist. But that God is a God of more than enough, a generous helpings kind of a God who I believe enjoys providing lavishly for His children.

In fact, the God who wants to provide a bigger portion certainly than I have expected, trusted, imagined or had the faith to consistently believe for.

I do realise that on the night out in question, it was only coleslaw, but to me, it represents the generosity of the God who I believe, wants to provide a bigger portion of Him and the abundant life He offers, to me, to you and to us.

There is quite simply nothing more amazing in life than for us to trust in, receive, revel in, enjoy and then liberally share Jesus with others.

That’s what I call a win, win.

Make mine a large one please Jesus … and keep ‘em coming …

Time for fun therapy

As I listen to people, I cannot help but hear just how tired so many of us are.

This isn’t entirely surprising given we are still emerging from a long term pandemic, the impact of which may only be hitting us now that the hardest part has passed. We hope.

But, there is a collective fatigue.

For, whether we got off lightly or lost much, the time has come to start living again, whatever that may look like for you.

And I am encouraged to add that alongside the collective exhaustion is a growing confidence in returning to fun activities that have been denied for too long, or in finally booking those longed for holidays.

Fun is calling again.

There is growing awareness of conditions such as post traumatic stress and the disorder it can lead to, but not so much about post traumatic growth and the new life it can evoke, this despite the growing number of real life story’s that testify to exactly this. Yet post traumatic and post pandemic growth and life exist and call us all.

Covid and indeed ordinary life bring much loss, grief and sorrow.

And yet, ongoing new life remains beyond it all.

As nature reflects the rest and nourishment required to reproduce new life, so too can we nourish ourselves in to readiness for the life that lay ahead.

Fun can provide a big part of this nourishment.

This does not deny the losses experienced thus far but neither does it deny the new life just up ahead. Both are real and true and it is our challenge to grieve for one, prepare for the other and hold both in tandem.

New life is calling.

And the return to fun activities is an important part of our individual and collective healing, ongoing growth and life beyond it all.

The naked tree

In January, I typically sit scratching my head and wondering why I am struggling to push through on creative projects that I profess to love.

This January has been no exception.

However, every time I’ve got myself out in to nature or even sat in my cabin staring out of the window, my eyes have been drawn to the naked tree.

I am struck by the sheer beauty of it.

There it stands in its birthday suit looking absolutely strikingly fabulous.

That’s all well and good and I’m always up for a feast for the eyes. But was I supposed to learn something from this?

I do believe that when we seek and we really mean it and we really want it, we do find. The following quote springs to mind; ‘when the student is ready the teacher appears’.

And so I kept looking and I kept wondering.

Initially what this spoke to me was that whilst in the season of winter, all the leaves have been stripped away (and begrudgingly raked up by me last year) thus leaving the bare branches. I began to have the thought that I am pretty sure they don’t stand there all winter, worrying incessantly that they will never be clothed in leaves again.

They trust in their seasons and cycles of rest.

I’ve certainly never seen a tree clinging on to its last remaining leaf for fear there will never be any more.

Can I say the same of myself? Not always, seemingly.

I looked again.

This time, I registered that these trees are in a season of rest.

Perhaps this means that it is ok for me to rest.

But, I’ve just had the longest break and rest that I have had since this pesky pandemic began.

I am rested.

I continued to look at the tree.

Then it occurred to me that not only were they standing there naked, being beautiful and resting, but undoubtedly they would also have been taking up whatever nutrients they need from their roots.

As I pondered this, I realised that we live in a culture fixated on all things physical, visible and tangible.

We can neglect to see let alone to understand the importance of the invisible or that which occurs beneath the surface, irrespective of its vital role not just in sustaining but developing and regenerating new life.

I wondered if I was taking up the nutrients I need.

And then I got it.

In January, whilst most folk focus on all things physical, I remember the importance of all things mental and emotional. I know that if I expect much of myself in this area whether for work or for play, my commitment to nourish my heart and mind, must remain for more than the first few weeks of the year.

Obvious right?!

As a Psychotherapist, I feel I ought to know this on an embodied enough level to practice it on a daily basis! As a human, I am aware that I have a propensity towards amnesia when it comes to all things life giving!!

I am also reminded that this can happen to those responsible for contributing to the spiritual health of their sheep, ie pastors, as I read this week in UCB that research revealed that many pastors whether suffering from a similar amnesia or simply not grasping the relevance, do not practice praying to the God who wants to feed us all, the type of fuel that quenches our thirst and satisfies our deeper hungers.

And so, off the back of the learning from the naked tree, I am going to be practising cultivating daily habits to regularly feed my own heart and mind in addition to feeding my body and spirit.

As I do so, for the month of February, via FB, I will be inviting anyone else interested in ingesting enough fuel for enlivened living, to participate in twenty eight days of implementing habits that enhance the mind and heart to sustain and nourish mental and emotional health.

Come join me …

Dry January

For many, January is the month to stop drinking alcohol or maybe give up meat or sugar or whatever else was either done to excess in December or is deemed healthy to abstain from.

Whether your focus is on denying yourself any of the above or not, life can feel a little dry in January following all the activity’s that accompany Christmas.

In fact next Monday the 17^th is considered to be blue Monday aka the most miserable day of the year.

Whilst we are encouraged left, right and centre to focus on all things physical in January, it is still what we think and feel, that determines our enthusiasm or otherwise for the daily grind of life.

As I look out of the window, I see dreary, damp, wet, grey weather. It is not uplifting and quite the contrast from the rare but blue skied wonder of yesterday.

The miserable weather outside often leaves us feeling miserable inside.

When the sun shines, it gives us a lift.

When the sun does not shine, we need non weather dependent ways to create our own lifts.

It is true that it can be harder to lift the spirits without the aid of the sunshine, but it is equally true that it is not impossible.

Whilst there is so much focus on physical health, it can be easy to overlook the need to be just as intentional and proactive about looking after our mental and emotional health.

But how exactly do we do that?

More about that next time …

Kissing or Kicking 2021 Goodbye?

This is the phrase that came in to my head as I lumbered through the village on my post Christmas holiday run.

It’s taken me all week to get my backside off the sofa and out for this run so I’m feeling a little smug right now.

In fact, I’m feeling a lot smug especially compared to when I got on the scales this morning to check what kind of additional Christmas weight I would be lugging around on the run! If only losing the leftover reality of all the excess indulgence was as much fun as acquiring it!

But hey, that’s the price I’m willing to pay for having time out to lounge around on the sofa, declining most forms of activity unless they involve further consumption of highly rich foods.

Anyway, as 2022 looms ever closer, I can’t help but reflect on the year we’re about to see off. It’s been quite peculiar really. Actually it hasn’t been that dissimilar to this Christmas holiday. It started off with great excitement, enthusiasm and joyous activity only to be quickly followed by a sadness that made me glad to do a profession that requires me to always have an ample supply of nose and eye wipers.

The sadness of that which has been lost tends to resurface amidst the heightened emotion of the season.

And then, the other day I succumbed to watching a cheesier than cheesy film which nonetheless had me grabbing for those tissues yet again.

It’s the ending thing; the end of a year, the end of what didn’t work out this year, what hasn’t worked out before and just endings in general.

I’ve been fortunate that I have not lost anyone I have loved this year although I know many who have, all of whom my heart goes out to.

But as I reflect now upon my own difficult feelings evoked about endings, including the ending of this year, I can’t help but see that 2022 offers the chance to begin again. To put aside what didn’t go well this past year and recommit to trying again in this New Year.

In support of this, I’ve found myself reflecting on the things that aid me in staying open, engaged and inspired to never give up on those dreams that remain etched deep on my heart.

In recent years I have found myself following a pattern where I start a new year eager and motivated to see through a new creative project only to find it cast aside a few short months later under the weight of life continuing to throw up new challenges.

Ugh.

And so, whilst there are obvious things like doubt, fear and general dream stealers, that I don’t want to be taking in to 2022 with me, I have also identified those people and pursuits that I need to proactively plan time for.

In other words, I’ve updated my game plan.

As I am well aware, there remains much that is out of my control in life, including whether BoJo will go all restrictive on us in 2022.

But, it continues to be true that the way in which I respond to what is within my control determines whether I move toward or away from my dreams.

I recognise that I have been moving in the wrong direction in that respect and so I’ve begun to right that for 2022.

It offers another chance to begin again for which I am grateful, especially as I have found myself wondering more than once during 2021 whether I used the changes prompted by restricted living in 2021 to do what I feel called to do. The honest answer, is no.

I want to rectify that in 2022.

Try, fail, reflect, repeat!

Recently, I have absolutely relished the freedom to go out to play; to watch films, eat out, dance until my body reminds me that I am not as young as I once was (who is?) and to sing worship to my God at Church.

Who knows how long this will last now that Omicron is on track for the fastest spreader so far.

But whilst restrictions have remained largely at bay, I have been reminded of the importance of fun.

How easy it is to lose sight of this in the presence of all things adult-ing.

In this respect I have regularly lost sight of fun throughout this last year. I don’t think any year is typically all bad or all good but this one certainly feels like it has swung more in to the not good box.

I often wonder why it is that I learn so much more from my mistakes. Perhaps it is the simple reality that pain jolts me in to paying attention. There is nothing like a big arse ouch to make me sit up and take note.

As I reflect on the year, I see a pattern of poor decision making. I didn’t know they were poor decisions at the time. I thought I was being … open to new possibilities!

But I quickly discovered the prompt emergence of a sinking heart, an overwhelming amount of stress and or a combination of both are pretty good indicators that something is not right!

What I have practised this year is recognising when I have got myself in to something that asks too much or delivers too little, that it is I who need to take responsibility for my error and get myself back out pronto.

The culture I live in which unfortunately lives within me at least until I excavate and examine it fully, tells me that I must always put others first (especially as a female and Christian).

Like absolutely everything else in life, this needs to be within context rather than an absolute blanket approach to all.

Sometimes an ingrained belief that one must not fail others can actually leave me failing the first person I am actually responsible for AKA myself.

And when I fail myself too often or for too long, I begin to fail or at least to malfunction or cease to flourish or have much to offer others. This is not a win, win scenario!

Learning what is not right for me has been at least as important this year as learning what is. It’s just that the growth and learning that accompany getting it wrong, is more painful!

In that respect, this year has seen quite the growth spurt!

But I accept that sometimes I just have to have a go in order to find out if something works or not.

I win some, I lose some.

So as I proceed towards the end of this year, I definitely want to carry within me a renewed understanding that when something does not work, I need to abandon it, NOT myself.

I don’t consider that to be a bad lesson to take from the year!

And I certainly don’t want to forget that in the face of all this trying, failing, reflecting and repeating, I must hold on to FUN, for it is this that enables me to reconnect with my own spontaneity, aliveness, humour and capacity to keep having a go!

A new thing

Right now, I believe that God is doing a new thing; universally and individually.

I experience this within my own life as I step out to have a go at new ventures. In the main, I find ongoing learning, stretching, developing and practising new skills to be a pretty enlivening and exciting business!

And then the anxiety makes its entrance!

This is also enlivening but not so exciting!

It is often accompanied by the taunts of the what if brigade!

Recently, as I was hanging out with God whilst in the midst of a rather anxious phase, I noticed something going on with the cat. Bear with me!

I’ve had this gorgeous little rescue feline for eleven years now yet this is the first time I have managed to get him a cat flap. I was thrilled at the prospect of him enjoying the freedom and flexibility this would afford him. No more sitting around waiting for me to let him in or out. He’ll love it, I thought.

Anyway, once the car flap was fitted, my attempts to introduce him to it appeared to evoke great fear. As in, despite my encouragement to investigate, he backed off pronto with a frightened look on his face.

Oh. That wasn’t what I expected or hoped for. This thing that I thought would bring him much enjoyment was far from having the desired effect.

I needed to rethink my game plan.

With the help of a piece of wood, I propped the cat flap open to entice him to use it, which he eventually did although initially with great reluctance.

With the approach of the colder weather, although September and August now appear to have swapped, I decided to remove the piece of wood to teach him to use the flap without it now that he was a little more familiar with it.

When he approached the door, he turned back to look at me. I went to him and gently lifted his paw to the door to show him how easily it would open. A process I had to repeat many times.

On this particular day when I was hanging out with God, whilst experiencing anxiety and doubt about my ability for the new ventures, I realised something as I repeated the process with the cat and the flap.

Whilst I was looking at the cat thinking, I absolutely know without any doubt that he has the ability to use this catflap for his own freedom and enjoyment. Yet I see the uncertainty and hesitation on his face as he nears the catflap and turns back to seek my assurance. He was not yet confident of his own capability. He needed me to believe for him and patiently support him over and over until he could do so unaided.

Wow, I thought. Is this what happens with us humans? We approach a new venture with caution, feeling unsure of ourselves and in need of others who see our potential when we struggle to?

I know I do.

And I imagined in that moment that perhaps the God who has called and thus equipped me for the new venture, knows that I can do it because He has put everything within me that is required to do so. He knows. And I could sense Him responding to me in the way I was responding to the cat; patient, reassuring, kind and loving.

I imagine that in the future I may experience the freedom and joy that could accompany the new venture once I relax in to it.

I’m not there yet.

Neither is the cat. Whilst he now uses the catflap regularly, he still very tentatively lifts one paw up followed by the other before gingerly stepping through it. There is no flying through it with great abandon. Yet.

We are both tentative in our explorations of the new thing.

As I reflect on these things, I am immensely grateful to the God who gives me such a sense of stability and care that I can actually take these new steps even when I have my doubts and fears.

In my profession, we call that a secure base.

And they don’t come any more secure than God Almighty.

This is further reinforced by those friends who cheer me on, encouraging me based on what they have already seen of me.

Without God and my friends, I could not take those first few tentative steps in to new territory.

So if you are approaching a new thing and you don’t yet know God, I would certainly recommend Him as way more than any Facebook ‘friend’!

And if you need more encouraging real friends, ask God to bring them, whilst practising being one to others.

God is doing a new thing.

Are you game?

Fear driven folly

Like most humans, I am prone to making poor decisions when I’m full to the brim of fear. Not only does fear cloud my judgement but it causes me to ignore my instincts, intuition, the Holy Spirit or whatever you prefer to call it. And that, in my experience is never a good thing.

Generally but not exclusively speaking, when I am predominantly full of faith with the odd bit of fear here and there, I trust myself. I don’t try to rationalise away the thoughts that I’d rather not be having or coerce myself via certain perspectives in to taking a step I know to be wrong. When I trust myself, I generally but not exclusively make decisions that I am happy with.

However, when I am panicked, worried or fearful I become vulnerable to slipping in to unhelpful amnesia filled episodes. Despite knowing that my instincts are pretty scarily accurate, I silence them because I am afraid to follow them.

Gosh it’s complicated being a human!

Anyway, I recently made a decision that I knew to be wrong for me and have consequently paid the price for it.

Had I taken the time to catch my breath, not panic and think about the situation to begin with, I could have spared myself a whole heap of stress.

Ho hum.

I live and learn.

How easy it is when under stress to develop amnesia as to what has been helpful or unhelpful in dealing with situations historically.

And then of course there is Christian amnesia – suddenly forgetting that the God who has always been there previously, will continue to be if only we will acknowledge, seek and listen to Him.

In moments of great or prolonged stress, I find myself snatching the controls back from God without necessarily being conscious that I am doing so. I stop trusting and fall back to my default position of self sufficiency. Despite knowing that this doesn’t usually take me any place I want to be!

Stress is unpleasant for us all of course but personally I know I need to hold on to the knowledge that stress can make me vulnerable to not trusting myself or my God.

During the trials earlier this year, I had a moment where I heard my spiritual mum’s voice urging me to ‘not panic’. She’s been gone a few years now and I still miss her beautiful, smiling face, but I was reminded of how she used to urge me when stressed to just pause, reflect, seek God and take time to discern the way forward. In other words, not to knee jerk my way in to making poor decisions driven largely by panic, fear and anxiety about what will happen if I don’t.

It’s not easy being a human, but especially not when experiencing fear, doubt, worry or hurt.

And yet, with the help of friends, it is possible to walk a different path. The path precipitated by the pause so necessary to making non rushed, non fear driven decisions.

Whilst my own recent poor decision making led to avoidable stress of my own creation, I was immensely grateful to the God I totally don’t deserve, for stepping in to give me the courage and trust necessary to correct my error.

Whatever season I am in, whether mainly full of faith or fear, God is just always there, unwavering in his love and support of me. What a great fear reliever. At least when I remember this!

Holidays

Red, green, amber – I cannot keep up and have ceased to try!

Such uncertainty.

What a logistical nightmare attempting to contain infections, manage pinging, isolating, travel borders and maintaining a workforce to keep the country going. Not to mention the debate around whether to vaccinate the under 16’s or even under 12’s.

These questions, the uncertainty, the learning curve, the ever updated ‘scientific data’ and the new challenges of each stage continue to unfold before us.

The Covid induced disruption is far from done.

It’s exhausting.

And therefore the need for the holiday is more important than ever.

For me, a holiday needs to be a time and space to rest, recover, reboot and re-envision the future. I want it to be calm, peaceful and immersed in the healing and restorative powers of nature.

What I definitely do not want threatening these precious periods of time out is uncertainty, stress and potential additional costs.

And so I have written off overseas travel again this year instead opting to enjoy the beauty of the North Yorkshire Dales, away from the traffic light system.

I am so looking forward to this.

But in the meantime, I do not want to wish away this precious time for summer is my very favourite season. How I love to run through the fields, cycle through the villages and swim under the great vastness of the sky.

These little windows of respite continue to re-energise me until the larger window afforded by my holiday arrives.

Time out from the norm is now more than ever crucial.

Maybe next year, international travel will be easier …