Emotional Health - Life is calling

The Greatest Gift …

These past few weeks have been hard with a capital HA. Yet through them, I have been reminded of the greatest gift any of us can ever receive.

To clarify, I am not talking about stuff with a fancy brand name or an extortionate price tag.

Or even of the outstanding but ever changing beauty of creation.

Whilst I don’t particularly like Autumn or Winter (with Christmas being the exception), I do so love the stunning array of amber tones that we are fleetingly treated to as we transition between the two seasons.

But what I am talking about is the great gift of friendship.

As in real friendship.

Let me explain.

I am referring to those rare and precious individuals with whom we can be exactly who and how we are. The good, the bad and the best not shared in public! The friends with whom censoring is not required, fear of judgment is absent and the knowledge that we are loved is secure.

Within these friendships we can be authentic, real, vulnerable and honest, safe in the knowledge that our baggage, pain and mess will not be treated as a source of gossip but instead respected for the privilege that it is to be shared with another.

This gift is quite simply, worth more than gold.

For these friends offer us mask free time.

They see us.

They get us.

They love us.

They reach us.

Ultimately, they save us from the desolation of being alone.

A priceless gift.

One that no amount of money can ever buy.

In my experience such people are few and far between and it has taken me many years to sift out those who are from those who are not.

In doing so I now feel incredibly privileged to have reached a place where I have several of these very special people in my life.

They have become, quite simply, my family.

Such a precious, precious gift.

The challenge of course, is to find the time and space to actually be with each other. To actually sit in one another’s company to share in and celebrate the victories, to cry and commiserate on the losses and to rant and rage about the injustices.

There is nothing greater than to spend time in the presence of another where both can be seen and valued just as they are. A friendship based on mutuality. One that understands that sometimes I am in a good place and you are not, sometimes you are and I am not, sometimes we both are and sometimes we both are not. Yet always, there is the freedom to be just as we are.

No pretence.

No hiding.

No masks.

Just raw, honest, messy and beautiful, reality.

A reality that is shared.

It is my experience that through these friendships, any kind of pain can be borne.

These friendships are not a given. They don’t just happen. They are something that when found, must be nurtured, protected, invested in and valued.

Nothing can compare.

In our fast paced, achievement and materialism obsessed culture, it is often time for these relationships that suffers. Subsequently, the increased sense of aloneness adversely impacts our individual and collective mental health.

We must learn to recognise that the gift of time spent with those who truly see us and are seen by us, is one of the greatest gifts we can ever give or receive.

It is sacred.

And, I believe, a gift from God Himself.

For, it is true that only God can be God, but it is equally true that we experience Him and His love through the love of our fellow humans.

I was listening to a sermon just last week on what it is to ‘care for one another’. Not superficially. But in the real sense of actually being there for each other not just for the good times but for all times. And a term was introduced which I had not heard before.

It was … ‘co-pain’.

A French word for one who bears our pain with us.

I love that. It’s the greatest gift we can offer another, to be with them in their pain. Not try to fix it, or to take responsibility for it, thus disempowering them, or to speak false platitudes about it, but just to be with them in it. To offer your presence, your attention, your care, your very you-ness.

What a gift.

It is the most important thing we can recognise or invest in to sustain any kind of quality of life. For without an emotional connection to others, something in us dies. We need the spark of the connection to enliven and sustain us, for we live and learn, hurt and heal within relationship.

I was asked recently what it is that humans want most. As an off the cuff reply, I heard myself respond, ‘to be seen, known and loved as we are’.

Isn’t that a universal human longing?

Isn’t it from a place of being loved, that the desire to be all that we can be, flows out from us in to the world around us?

As I look back upon this year, I see that I have continually found myself deep in the wells of grief for the loss of the person who saw me and gave me a mother’s love. At times, it felt like I would never find my way back up or out of the grief.

Yet again and again, these special individuals have met me in that place and helped me to climb back out on the steps of their love.

Wow!

I am immensely grateful for each and every one of them and I make a point of telling them so. I will also endeavour to continue making time and space to be with them.

So, whilst it is true that I have lost the love of a mother this year and that the pain of that continues, it is equally true that I have gained a whole new awareness of the love of those friends who are true sisters.

What richer gift could I realise, receive or give, as we approach Christmas.

Embracing The Ouch …

It is counter intuitive right?

Because our, or at least my natural instinct, is to move away from that which hurts.

What I would like to say, especially in view of my profession, is that I’ve got this stuff nailed. But of course, this is real life and I am one of those real live, messy, imperfect humans! One that has to learn, learn and learn again, how to be with the inevitable. The ouch.

None of us like the ouch.

Yet to refuse it, is to allow it to cause a whole heap more ouch’s until we turn to face it.

I experience this again and again with the ouch of grief.

Every time a new wave knocks me to the ground, I just want to dust myself down and return to normal duty’s as if it didn’t and it doesn’t, hurt.

Like most of the human population, I don’t want to register the pain because I don’t like feeling pain and I do like not feeling pain!

So every time, I have to re-learn all over again, that the only way to live with the ouch that accompanies grief, is by acknowledging its presence and effect and responding with compassion rather than frustration.

Yet my first instinct is still to fight it. I want to ‘win’. By winning I mean, I want to be ok and not let the grief leave me feeling not ok.

But, it is only when I can own, accept and embrace my ouch inducing not ok, that I begin to become a little more ok!

It’s a paradox.

One that is eased when I am reminded that it is ok to acknowledge my grief. I can then relax and stop fighting it. I remember that this does not mean that I am failing, it is not a sign of weakness, it does not mean that I am wallowing, or that I will feel miserable for ever more. It simply means that the grief needs some care and attention.

I’ve had a few reminders of this recently.

I arrived at my house group the other week to discover that we were watching a Nooma DVD (short Rob Bell film on a life theme), called Matthew. None of us knew what it was about. But it turned out to be on death, grief and the importance of making time and space to allow WHATEVER thoughts and feelings need to come out. It wasn’t talking about just allowing the nice/positive/good/acceptable/Christian thoughts and feelings but ALL the feelings, especially the ugly and unwanted ones.

It was a timely reminder.

And it came only two short days after a colleague had reminded me of exactly the same thing about making time and space to allow grief. Not banishing it. Not distracting away from it. But actively inviting it to come and take up its rightful place within my being and my day.

Both of these served to remind me that I do not need to FEAR my grief or any of the feelings that accompany it.

What I do need is to keep practising over and over again what it is to recognise, allow, value, respect, accommodate, trust, welcome and tend to my grief.

As in every time it arises.

Because I have noticed that whenever I finally stop fighting and say to myself, ‘Ok, you feel miserable/angry/resentful/whatever and you are allowed to feel that, just be with it’, it begins to dissipate.

And when I remember to go easy on myself and change down a gear, life becomes so much easier to manage.

I’ve been reflecting on this recently whilst out on my bike. I’ve taken to cycling to work once a week. It allows me to incorporate a bit of physical activity with time out in the fresh air amongst what is otherwise a day spent sat on my backside, inside. I like it. The cycling that is.

Anyway, as I was huffing and puffing my way up a hill recently, repeatedly changing in to lower gears, it occurred to me that this is like life. As in, when things get difficult, or the pressure is on, or we have an unexpectedly high work load, or we are simply dealing with emotional stuff, we, read I, can sometimes expect myself to just keep travelling in exactly the same gear at exactly the same speed.

How ridiculous.

If I don’t even do this to myself on the bike, why do it to myself in life.

What I really need of course is to change down a gear, slow down, make allowance for the new situation and reduce my expectations accordingly. In other words, to partner with myself to be able to keep going but at a realistic pace, rather than setting myself up to fail by attempting to continue in the same gear and at the same pace.

Sigh.

No matter how much I think I know this stuff, I still have to learn afresh every time the new wave hits. Ugh! I wish I was a faster learner!

But, there is another side to facing death, grief and the accompanying ouch. For if we can face it front on, it can urge us to complete an ongoing reassessment of life. What is important and what is not. What gets squeezed out or constantly postponed and what am I going to do about it.

As a result, one of the steps I have taken is to book my return flight to New Zealand. The place where the family I lived with and the beauty and culture of the land was so significantly life changing and healing. It was here that I entered in to a relationship with the living God. Life has never been the same again. Thankfully.

But, it has been a whole decade now since I’ve managed to return. Afterall, NZ is a long way to go and it is expensive. Legitimate reasons right? But this year, when asked to go, I didn’t hesitate. No more delaying what is important.

None of us can guarantee how long our future will be or how much time lay ahead to see the places or people we love. And so, I booked my ticket. Not for next year or the year after or in another decades’ time. I don’t want another single year to pass without doing this so important thing.

Nothing will be the same of course. All will have changed in the past decade. The people, the place and of course me. But I need to go. And I want to go. So I am going.

A few months after booking said flight the tax man very kindly granted me a generous tax rebate to fund my trip. Result! The plus side of my reduced capacity to work and thus to earn this year!

Whilst discussing this NZ trip with my supervisor, who was able to own and express their envy (!), they shared with me how a friend of theirs who was rather wealthy, had always had a dream to go to a particular country. They put it off and put it off until the unspeakable happened. They got a terminal diagnosis and were in too poor health to go. Whilst this friend was looking head long in to the face of death with no choice to go back and do the things they had wished to do, they urged my supervisor not to make the same mistake.

Wise words.

Ones we would do well to heed whilst we still can.

It is all too easy to busy and distract ourselves from anything unpleasant for the entire duration of our lives only to arrive at the shores of death to realise that we never quite got around to doing what we really wanted.

I don’t want that.

No matter how short or long, how painful or how unpredictable this thing called life is, or how utterly awful the death of someone I love is, I still want to try and of course at times fail, to look both life and death square in the eye. I want not just to see the ugliness of pain, suffering and premature death but also to see the great beauty that life still offers.

I don’t want to miss what is possible because of what is not. And if I have to slow down again and again and again to allow more healing to happen to facilitate the longer-term goals and desires, then that is ok. (Sometimes!).

I don’t want to drift through life and in to death. Instead I choose to proactively engage, embrace and take steps towards that which is important. Even when this means slowing down AGAIN to allow for more healing.

At least I’m trying to.

What is it that YOU have delayed and postponed and not made the time or space to make happen in your life?

Time is limited.

For us all.

Make it count.

Grief Revisited …

Grief never really goes away but sometimes it feels closer than others. And these past few weeks have been and continue to be one of those times when its presence is unavoidable. And perhaps that is it, I’ve been avoiding it, happily whiling away the summer immersed in the wonders of denial. I don’t know. But what I do know is it has hit me again with full force. And it hurts. A lot.

First off it got triggered through a seemingly innocent Pixar film. ‘Brave’, in case you were wondering. So much rich material around the mother/daughter relationship, much of which reminded me of the lessons and gifts that Margaret gave me in her mothering of me. By the end of the film, I was sobbing. A good healthy release I thought.

But it continued to simmer beneath the surface for a few weeks. And then an unexpected encounter with the sister who looks so like Margaret, left me totally floored. KO’d they call it in Boxing terms. And it was only the count down on the alarm and the call of my responsibility’s that dragged me back up to face it all again.

I just wasn’t prepared to be knocked clean out by the weight of the grief again. Not that I’m sure we can ever really be prepared. And if we could, perhaps we would simply duck out of its way.

But when these grief phases hit me, those individuals who have been there and just get it, become TOTALLY invaluable. Because grief is painful and lonely enough without being surrounded by people who don’t get it. So when you find those who do, talk to them!

Because grief isn’t something we simply ‘deal with’ or ‘get shot of’.

Grief is something that comes to us and we have to walk it through, feeling it, until it dissipates again. Not that it ever goes away entirely. But it does move out of the foreground at times. At least, that is my experience.

And herein lay one of the difficulties in understanding mental and emotional health.

We live in an age of the instant. Most things can be accessed in an instant.

We want something.

We get it.

Now.

No waiting.

Whether it’s the latest box set online, a car on credit or any other stuff.

No one wants to wait for anything anymore.

We want stuff. And we want it now. Even if we have to work so many hours that we pay with the quality of our life/health.

But when it comes to our health, we can’t have things in an instant. We have to wait. We can’t simply buy our health to be as we want it to be. We have to engage with the process of healing. Even if you can afford to skip some queues by going private. And this process takes time and it brings frustration and a whole bunch of other usually unwanted feelings.

It’s how it is.

There is no other way.

Sure, we can get meds to take away this or take away that but even they come at a cost of side effects.

Health is one of the few areas where no matter how much money we have or how hard we pray, we still have to walk the path of healing and growth. (And ultimately, the path of deterioration in to death!)

There is no short cut for healing.

No quick fix.

No miracle pill.

Or even prayer.

It’s just hard.

And any denial or glossing over of that fact, makes it harder.

Unfortunately, our culture just wants to pay or pray to get rid of anything it doesn’t want to feel. And this applies as much to a broken limb as to a broken heart.

We want it better and we want it better now. And we’re willing to pay.

But there are no instant magical cures.

The human body and soul can break. And when they do, they need time and care to heal. No amount of money can pay to fast track this.

We don’t like this. We want the meds to spare us or God to heal us in an instant. And when these don’t happen, we often just don’t know what to do with ourselves and our frustrations, disappointments, resentments and plain sorrows.

We haven’t learned. We want health given to us on a plate. We don’t want to engage with a process that can evoke more pain, to reach the place of healing.

We don’t like it.

And I am no exception.

I don’t like feeling full of sorrow. I don’t like the emotional fatigue that accompanies it. I don’t like the loss of energy. And I don’t like not knowing how long it will last.

I just don’t like it. In fact, I totally ****** hate it. (And of the course the anger part of grief is SO socially unacceptable!). I Understand it. But that doesn’t afford me a fast pass through it.

However, I am learning not to waste my currently diminished energy reserves on fighting the process. Some of the time!

If I feel crap, I cut myself some slack. Mostly! I let myself off the hook a bit. I pull back. I say no. I take any self imposed pressure off. I tend to myself in the way that I need. Just as I might encourage another to do.

Because sometimes, this business of being a human can really hurt.

And what none of us need when we’re hurting is to put ourselves under unnecessary pressure. Sure, life doesn’t stop for any of us. But we can look at our loads realistically and decide what can wait.

We can in short, look after ourselves with compassion and understanding rather than impatience and condemnation.

I’ve experienced a lot of sorrow these past weeks and I continue to do so. I’ve also heard about a lot from others. From friends. From neighbours; a suicide at the train station. And from a film, A Star is Born. Beautiful but devastating and topical.

Death.

Grief.

Loss.

Endings.

Disappointments.

Life.

Sometimes it just hurts.

Pretending this is not so is more damaging than finding the courage to face it.

We all love instant gratification.

But we seldom grow through it. Anything worthwhile having, especially our health, takes time. Time to nurture and care for and time to heal when it gets damaged, hurt or broken in some way.

We don’t get to choose how long the process will take. We get to choose only how we will treat ourselves whilst going through it.

Patience, compassion and a capacity to recognise the presence of God, are absolutely key.

On being strong …

I feel compelled to write about the idealised notion of being strong. Of course, it is not possible to write about being strong without also writing about being weak, for these are opposing sides of the same coin.

As in, the coin of humanity.

Us.

You.

And me.

In recent weeks, I keep hearing people talk about their ‘need to be strong’.

This is classic black and white, either/or, thinking in terms of absolutes. Either I am strong or I am weak, with little awareness much less acceptance that we are all a combination of strength and weakness. This is what makes us whole.

Let me explain.

There is a culturally driven, not always conscious idea that being strong is the only acceptable mode for any human to admit to. This means that people fall in to the black and white trap of thinking if you are not strong, you must be weak. A seemingly unacceptable mode to admit to.

But here’s the thing.

No human is only strong, all the time, in every way. Except perhaps, the exceptionally deluded. This means that in real terms, we all have strengths and we all have weaknesses. Most would agree to this in intellectual or theoretical terms but when it comes to real felt sense terms, most of us struggle to admit to needing help, feeling vulnerable or simply not being on our game, for fear that this makes us WEAK.

As weak is a mode that our culture has indoctrinated us to instinctively deny experiencing, we may consequently engage in all manner of cover up ops to conceal our perceived weakness.

If we think about it, this is really rather animalistic. For it is animals that conceal their weakness in order to avoid becoming a target for a stronger prey.

Do us humans, who pride ourselves on our ability to reason as differentiating us from the animal kingdom, really treat each other no differently from how animals operate. As in, the strong attack the weak? Yes, there is of course truth in this.

Whilst we can all be guilty of using our power and our privilege without conscious examination, there will always be those who intentionally capitalise on the weakness of others. Yet this is not a reason to disown or deny our weaknesses, but a need to discern those worthy of sharing them with.

This makes our desire to be seen as strong rather than weak, or both, an expression of preservation as well as at times, of pride.

Yet when we go a little deeper we have to acknowledge that as humans it is only by owning our strength AND our weakness, that we can become whole.

No one is strong at all times.

We all have our weaknesses.

There may be academic weaknesses. For example, my brain does not appear to be wired to understand anything relating to the scientific. This is a natural weakness which I could work excessively hard to improve but for which I have naught desire to do so as it bores me rigid. I accept this reality about myself.

However, where things get more complicated is when we associate weakness with being emotional or simply feeling anything other than our culture’s constant push for us all to promote 24 hour positivity.

And therefore, I regularly hear people telling me that they can’t allow their own sadness/frustration/resentment/disappointment/anger to come forth because to do so would make them feel WEAK.

According to popular opinion, being happy and positive all the time is a sign of strength. A notion that can be perpetuated in the Church. Which always leaves me wondering why no one thought to tell Jesus this during his times of anger, sadness or of course, his most monumental moment upon that cross.

Consider too the moment where Jesus see’s Marys distress over the death of Lazarus. He wept. Now imagine one of our present day English Christians telling him in no uncertain terms to, ‘get a grip, pull your socks up, life goes on/children in Africa are starving (to the PC crew, I am not denying nor belittling this reality, simply highlighting that one form of suffering does not cancel out another), you just have to be strong, there is no point crying over spilt milk, MAN UP, grow a pair, don’t you know you are the son of God/God, that is in the past, don’t you know how this story turns out’, or any other manner of popular – DON’T SHOW EMOTION IN FRONT OF ME BECAUSE I CAN’T EVEN COPE WITH MY OWN, type of responses.

Imagine that!!

I know, at least I would like to think, that no one would say such things to God Almighty.

Why is it then, I wonder, that these are considered completely acceptable to be rolled out repeatedly to the people we claim to care about, during their most vulnerable moments when they are struggling with the most painful emotions?

We must examine this for we cannot support or hope to heal the parts of us that feel weak because they hurt in some way, by hiding them behind pretend strength. That is just a total waste of energy, at a time when energy may already be in short supply.

Admitting that we get hurt and subsequently feel upset confirms our own humanity. Without which, we can only hope to become a cold, hard, shell of a human/nation.

It is time to out this ridiculous notion of always needing to be strong. What each and every one of us really needs is people and places where we can be honest and vulnerable about the times when we feel weak because we are hurting. People who will not shut us down by re-enforcing the ‘you’ve just got to get on with it’ approach.

Sure, life does indeed go on with all its demands, expectations and responsibilities. But, this does not mean that it is not appropriate and at times mandatory to allow a little time out for the business of healing and resting.

Imagine telling someone with a broken leg to just get up and get on with it. Most people have a little more understanding and empathy than that. A broken leg needs some time for total rest before the leg has to be stretched with various exercises to develop and regain its strength and ability to function.

It really is no different with matters of the heart and soul.

There is a time to rest, a time to heal and a time to push ourselves to develop our genuine strength once more. All of which takes … time.

It is unfortunate that even here in 2018, the majority remain stuck in the delusion that a human that admits their humanity, vulnerability or struggle, is WEAK. And for some, a target for exploitation.

If only we would begin to realise that in admitting to our weaknesses as they arise, we can actually seek the selfcare and support that we need to heal and to become genuinely stronger again.

By denying our times of perceived weakness, we agree to feigning strength until something breaks.

That something being us.

We all have times where we feel weak and we need to be around others who will not judge or dismiss us but who will offer empathy and support. Without fearing that to do so is to encourage someone to ‘wallow’. Denying pain doesn’t make us strong or make the pain disappear. It just pushes it deeper and delays the process of healing as well as unnecessarily complicating the whole matter.

It tends to be those who recognise and acknowledge their own weaknesses that know how to be genuinely supportive of others. Whereas those still caught in the delusion that any confession of weakness makes them WEAK, will tend to shut down others in the same way they do to themselves. Sometimes people just don’t know how to respond in the face of pain, whether their own or others.

The bottom line is that the strongest thing any one of us can do, is to admit when we feel weak, respect this is an expression of our own humanity, respond to ourselves with compassion and ask carefully chosen others for support.

That is real strength.

The overall point is that it is not really about being strong or being weak but about being whole by being all that we are.

Indulgence or Preservation … ?

Two weeks after my birthday/holiday fortnight of fun and freedom and I’m back in to the swing of work.

I love it.

And I consider it a privilege to do it.

What I am immediately struck by since my return, is the theme of selfishness.

But what do any of us actually mean by the term ‘selfish’?

For it appears that we live in a culture that can be prone to judging those who practice any form of self-care, as being selfish.

What nonsense.

There appears to be a lot of culturally embedded, often unconscious, definitely unhelpful, life limiting ideas, that encourage us to totally overlook ourselves in favour of caring for others.

As if this is a higher path as opposed to a martyrdom who’s only achievement is to risk the health of the one practising it. For which no one benefits in the long term.

Unfortunately, a misunderstanding of scripture can further exacerbate the problem by reinforcing these ideas. For example, the scripture, ‘Love your neighbour, as yourself,’ is usually referred to with a complete omission of any acknowledgement much less understanding or application of the ‘love yourself’ part. Although the love yourself part is there in black and white equally as clear as the love your neighbour part, it is often treated as if this is not so.

This is a collective, corporate and cultural blind spot.

One that is in dire need of bringing in to focus to re-examine.

An emphasis on putting others first can obscure the need to include appropriate care for the self. It can also subtly infer that to care for the self is to be selfish or in conflict with God’s word. This despite this being an obvious example of cultural influence obstructing the view of what the scripture actually says.

The reality is that despite culture’s propensity for enforcing what are often life destroying notions, in this case of failing to appreciate the legitimacy of self-care, this subject is not just a nice idea but an absolute necessity for self-preservation. At least if wishing to sustain any capacity to care for others for any length of time.

Like many things in life this is a classic example of not being a case or either/or, but rather of both/and. As in, it is not appropriate to practise caring only for others any more than it is to appropriate to practise caring only for the self. We need to care for self and others. But, in order to continue caring for each other, we must first ensure that we are continuing to care for ourselves. Not just to be in a fit state to continue caring, but that the act of caring may continue to be an enjoyable one (in the main!).

The consequence of failing to practice appropriate on going self care is that we unwittingly create the perfect breeding grounds for stifled resentment, frustration, disappointment and anger. Inevitably at some point, these stifled, denied emotions and needs will get acted out in some way that causes more harm than acknowledging and acting upon them in the first instance.

Better to conduct an honest examination of the self before this point.

The facts are that we have all have needs. We all have thoughts and feelings. Some wanted, others not. And we all have a responsibility to ourselves and to others, to examine and respond to these appropriately. This is what self care is.

Failing to do this simply signs a warrant for bigger issues.

Something that we do of course all fall in to the trap of doing at times.

The bottom line is that caring for ourselves is no more an act of self indulgence than caring for others in an act of other indulgence. Which is not to say that there are not times where it is good and proper to indulge the self and or the other. But this is as an aspect of self care, not selfishness.

Overall, far from being selfish, caring for the self is an act of self-preservation. For when we do not take seriously or respond appropriately to our own needs for care, we limit our longevity or ability to care for others.

It is not selfish to take care of one self.

It is utter foolishness to fail to take care of the self.

The question is, what does self-care look like for each of us?

A question for which there is no one size fits all kind of an answer.

But a question that it would be a worthy investment of time and thought, to consider and implement.

And when others have something to say about the ‘selfishness’ of your commitment to practising self-care, just remember that what other people think is for them, and not you, to deal with. More often than not, those who criticise others for practising self-care are often struggling to practice sufficient self care themselves.

Trust yourself.

Make time for yourself.

Listen to your own needs.

Respond with compassion.

In short, treat yourself, as you would treat others.

Or maybe, love yourself, as your neighbour.

These are lessons that I have learned through hard experience. Lessons that I continue to learn and continue trying to apply. Without always succeeding!

Sometimes, some folk comment about the number of breaks I take. ‘you going away again are you Jo?’. ‘Yes, I am’, I reply! For it is I and I alone who understands the impact of my work and I and I alone who is responsible for applying sufficient enough self-care to ensure that I can continue not only to do what I do but to do it whole heartedly. Whether others understand or not. And so it is a responsibility that I take very seriously and I encourage others to do the same!

For the degree to which I practice self-care shapes and influences the degree and the quality of that which I can offer to others.

Self-care is ultimately about preservation, not indulgence. Although indulgence most certainly has a part to play!

What do you need to preserve yourself and thus your ability to care for self and others?

Birthday Bonanza …

Last week saw me celebrating my birthday. As in, all week!

You see, I’m all too aware that life can throw us parcels of crap at any given moment and I’m not talking the kind of crap that results from our own poor choices. I’m talking about the sort that we can neither predict nor prevent.

And so, in the face of such a fact of life, I make it my business to celebrate at every opportunity to do so.

Birthdays of course, are right up there.

Not everyone I know and love made it through to their birthday this year so as far as I am concerned, for those of us who did, it’s worth celebrating.

Our next year of life is not guaranteed.

For any of us.

So celebrate now I say.

Although I must say that I do not understand the thinking that I hear so many express that says ‘life is short’, in explanation as to why they indulge in (usually excessive), life shortening activity’s. But that’s another story.

Where was I?

Oh yes, the birthday.

Birthdays are for milking.

I’ve had some spectacular ones along the way.

My 30th in Hobart, Tazmania with special friends at a beautiful restaurant before going a little way up Mount Wellington to admire the lights of the city below.

The stunning crop terrace mountains of China were to host my 31st with an amazing lady who has become a trusted friend. The group I was travelling with even chipped in and bought me a gift. As we were travelling off the beaten track at the time, there were no gift shops or even anything in the vicinity with English on. Hence when we all sat down to watch their DVD gift, there was much laughter when it transpired to be Chinese porn. Don’t ask!

Then there was my 40th at Lake Maggiore in Italy where in addition to lots of lovely food (obvs), there was a spectacular light show, live music and of course crazy dancing in the streets. At least by me. All followed by a cracking party by my fabulous Church family.

Spoiled or what over the years.

Last year was a quiet one as we wrestled with the reality of my spiritual mother’s cancer diagnosis.

This year has been another extended fun and food filled affair.

I know that for many, when something sad or traumatic has happened around a birthday or Christmas, it can ruin these times for future years. As far as I am concerned, it gives more reason to rewrite the experience with something life and joy filled.

Which is exactly what I did this year helped by some seriously fantabulous peops.

Monday was the day to start milking it. I kicked off with an afternoon tea with my lovely sister. Another extreme foodie!

This was immediately followed by flowers and a good catch up with a friend over coffee.

Tuesdays’ offerings started with a long overdue haircut. Seriously, it’s the only time my hair ever looks clean and brushed!

Next, my lovely spiritual father took me to the wonderful Wimpole. I’d never been despite hearing rave reviews from all and sundry.

Simply stunning grounds.

It was like something out of a film. Although of course, scenes from films are from places like this!

Wowsers huh.

Returned home via a country pub for a cheeky cheesecake and cuppa.

Got back in time to prepare for a very good friend coming over to stay. Great as ever to see her and catch up.

On my actual birthday we went walking through the fields near my home. As we chatted on a bridge overlooking the stream with the solo swan, said swan suddenly spread its wings and flew under the bridge before gliding over to where we were.

Spectacular!!

What a gift. You can’t buy moments like those!

We continued our walk, returning home with a bounty of blackberries and apples. More muffin material.

Lunchtime saw us visiting one of my favourite places for a spot of grub.

I then saw my friend off before visiting my neighbour Ju for a brew.

That night I went to my favourite country pub for dinner with a long standing, very amazeballs friend who had even snuck over to the venue earlier to put up some sparkly balloons! The company, the ambience and of course the nosh itself, did not disappoint. And I left feeling very content and totally stuffed!

After all that eating, I went for a reparative run Thursday morning! Before relaxing with a reflexology session.

Proper lush.

Thursday saw me somehow squashing in yet another meal out with another friend.

So much food.

My poor stomach!

Following a walk up some hills, across the fields and by some springs, I opted for a super foods salad during Friday’s pub lunch with a new friend.

This before another short walk where I encountered a wooden swing. Obviously, I couldn’t resist!

What a week.

And it wasn’t over!

Saturday saw me spoiled with a super colourful, flavoursome, original BBQ spread put on by a super special lady and her hubster. Dessert was homemade scones with cream and homemade jam!!

Proper!

By Saturday night, I felt full, exhausted, spoiled and in need of some serious solitude!

Birthday’s are special.

At least in my opinion.

And I will continue to milk them for as long as I am given them.

How do you respond to a birthday?

Your own or others?

Environment Matters …

Now, this is not a green piece or a bit about Green Peace.

It’s about our surroundings.

The places in which we reside; our homes/family’s (biological or spiritual)/workplaces/peers/spouses/other groups.
Because these are the places that influence us.

For good or for bad.

That inspire or limit.

Encourage or oppress.

And so we need to examine them carefully.

I got to thinking about this because last week I combined two of my favourite things; being outside with watching a film. Actually, make that four things to include being with good people and indulging in tasty eats and drinks. Or is that five.

Anyway, I’m digressing.

The film in question was The Greatest Showman. I’m not usually in to musicals but even my equally non-musical film loving friends recommended it. So when the opportunity arose to see it amongst the beautiful lavender fields, I jumped at the chance.

I do so love to be under the great vastness of the sky in what I call, big sky territory. It was a beautiful spot and the film did not disappoint.

There was a line that stayed with me which went something like, ‘you are an example of what it is not to be restricted by your station in life’. This was directed at the star of the show who came from humble beginnings. I realise that most of us love a yarn about a person who makes good after a difficult start but this film also illustrated the very real risk of losing yourself and your values in the process. Especially if your motives move from being the most authentic version of yourself or from utilising your gifts in ways that benefit others, in to just being accepted by others irrespective of the personal cost.

Lessons that were learned in time for this guy.

But, I couldn’t help but think about the line about moving beyond your station. It is so true that any one of us can rise, not to stardom necessarily, but certainly to being who we truly are and are able to become.

But here is the crucial thing.

Whilst none of us get to choose the finances or the flavour of the family that we are born in to, we ALL get to choose what to do and who to do it with beyond our beginnings.

And we would do well to choose wisely and review regularly.

Whilst we are all programmed to be in relationship and within community, we must each discern when our desire for acceptance and belonging within a said community start to interfere and restrict our desire for an authentic and growing expression of ourselves.

Not every environment is conducive to our growth.

Some environments may be perfect for the growth of some but this does not automatically mean that it is so for all.
For each of us are uniquely designed with our own set of giftings and strengths (and weaknesses). But to realise our respective potential will require a different set of surroundings for us all.

Not forgetting that some of us are more sensitive to our surroundings.

We need look no further than to nature to see the truth of this.

My stunning Azalea’s open up in the presence of sunshine only to close up again when it clouds over.

Unlike many other flowers that remain outwardly unchanged whether in sunshine or cloud.

The simple facts are that not every family, friend or workplace actually allows the environment or the space for us to grow beyond the limitations and restrictions that life and even some of these people, may place upon us.

We each have a unique identity and purpose but in order to continue fulfilling these, we must take responsibility for who and what we allow to influence us for growth or stagnation.

Growth requires the right environment as well as time and space.

To return to the Greatest Showman, his environment was one of love and encouragement from his wife and daughters. They believed in him even when he struggled to believe in himself. They shared his vision and inspired him with their own ideas and imagination. And together they made that vision a reality. A process whose knock on effect was to create an environment for others to fulfil their own potential too.

What is equally important to note is that this star was also motivated at times by his desire to disprove his wife’s privileged parents who believed themselves entitled to look down upon him. And this was where he slipped up and almost lost everything of any genuine importance. For when he allowed himself to be motivated by the desire to prove others wrong, he lost sight of his original vision and his own values. A warning that we would all do well to heed.

It may well be satisfying to prove wrong those who do not see us as we are or as we are capable of becoming, yet to use this as motivation will only lead us away from our most authentic selves and paths.

Most of us are not destined for stardom, but we all have a personalised destiny awaiting our fulfilment. And in order to do so, we need the right environment to facilitate it.

There will always be those who get us and cheer us on in life. Just as there will always be those who don’t. All we get to choose is who we will be and who will we allow in to our inner circle. When others doubt us or our motives, we don’t need to agree with them. And if those closest to us do not understand us, it may be time for an environmental check up. For those people and places that we allow close to us will influence our expression of ourselves and our dreams.

Not everything, everyone or every place is conducive to our growth.

But when in the right place with the right people at the right time, beautiful things are possible.

For every single one of us.

And when that happens, it cannot fail to influence and inspire others.

We can each be outstandingly original at being our truest most authentic selves, when we take the time to seek out the right environmental support to do so.

Just look at nature.

Each flower is different from the next but equal in originality.

Who is it in your life that gets, encourages and believes in you?

Because you need those people, just like you need to be that person to others.

Environment matters.

Check yours.

Sunshine … and rain …

No sooner had I written about the joys of my seemingly endless summer of blackberry picking, bike rides, stream paddling and all things Enid Blyton, when the weather abruptly switched in to what felt decidedly like Winter. At least in comparison. A drop from 31C to 16C.

What a shock to the system!

Many welcomed this.

Not me!

But how quickly change can come.

I reflected upon this earlier in the week as I walked through the fields, accompanied by the constantly changing sky of sunshine and clouds (hoping that it would not rain before I got home).

As I did so I had to acknowledge that both sunshine and rain are needed.

Whilst I love the sun, the summer and all things light and fun, this is of course, not the whole deal. Nor can it be. As much as I have loved this summer of sunshine, it has not been good for all.

In fact, it’s even been fatal for some of our most vulnerable; elderly or infirm.

And, having regularly walked through the farmer’s fields and thus witnessed the sun scorched crops, I’ve felt prompted to pray God’s provision upon them. (I’ve learned over the years that there are no limits to the ways in which God can make provision for us when the unexpected happens). Of course, there will also be a knock-on effect upon pricing for us, the crop consumer.

So, whilst the general consensus is that most of us tend to feel better when the sun is shining (around the mid twenties not thirties), the fact remains that our land cannot survive on sunshine alone. It needs rain too.

Both are needed. Neither work in isolation of the other. They work in unison. Ask a farmer.

Or look at the ‘green spaces’ around. They cease to be green. More of a sun scorched yellow.

Clearly, sunshine alone does not allow the land to thrive.

Even this beauty cannot survive let alone thrive on sunshine alone.

As I looked at the fields that day beneath the rapidly changing sky, I couldn’t help but reflect on the parallels with life.

We all love the good sunny times where everything goes to plan and we feel like life is smiling upon us. Yet things can change in an instant when unexpected difficulties appear in the form of unforeseeable bills, problems, tragedy’s or losses of all shapes and sizes.

Nobody likes this fact.

We can feel hard done by when hit by the unfairness of life.

And of course, the truth is that life is unfair.

For all.

But what is equally true if we care to really think about it, is that life also deals out unfairness the other way around.

What I mean is, that life doesn’t simply spit out misery at seemingly random, always unwanted, moments. Because if we are really honest, it also at times gives us unexpected (and unearned) good fortune. It is just that somehow, we seem to be better at developing amnesia about this kind of unfairness! Myself included. It’s called being human for us humans are way better at remembering what hurts, over what helps or heals!

Life brings joy and life brings pain.

To all.

Without exception.

Or explanation.

It may look different for each of us but it is true for all. Whilst it is easy to fall in to the trap of comparing ourselves to others, it certainly isn’t helpful. We seldom get the full story of the lives of others. Especially if using Facebook as a source of evidence!

I don’t pretend to know why joy and sorrow visit us all. I know only that they do.

Like I equally know that God is my only constant. The very same God who allows me to receive good things that I don’t deserve that have come through no efforts of my own, not only allows these good things to be taken away but also allows me to receive bad things that I equally do not deserve and have not contributed to receiving.

The very same God.

A God who tells me in his word that I will have trouble in this world but a God who also tells me that Jesus has overcome all that life threw at Him. And God promises that Him, Jesus and the Holy spirit will help me to overcome all that life throws at me.

Overcome not meaning avoid, deny, pretend, ignore or sweep under the carpet, but actually overcome. Which in my thinking, not only means to assist me to continue being all that I am capable of being and contributing all that I can to this world, in spite of my own regular deliveries of crap parcels. As well as aided by the unexpected bonuses. But also, to continue living my life with a heart that is open to all that arises.

This God offer of assistance is lifelong.

For all seasons of life.

The joy and the pain.

The sunshine and the rain.

In the words of the Maze song! If you don’t know it, check out the lyrics!

I am reminded of these truths not merely through the fields and the sky but also through my own life experience.

For, just as I have loved the sun drenched days of these past two months, I have also enjoyed a lightness of heart, even more appreciated and enjoyed following the early months of this year where I felt drenched in the gravity of grief.

Yet in these past few weeks, the sadness has begun to arise again. I sense it around the edges of my soul, creeping closer and closer. Only this time I refuse to deny it. I know it is there and I’ve been expecting it. I can acknowledge, name and allow it to come forth and do its work of healing. In the main!

There is of course part of me that doesn’t want this sadness to come again. I have so enjoyed these few months of sunshine and joy, I don’t want more pain or rain.

Yet experience repeatedly reminds me that when I fail to grant my sadness the same respect and attention that I freely give my joy, it begins to block my internal well spring of joy, taking with it my 3D full colour experience of living.

And I don’t want that.

So this week I gave myself some needed space to allow my sadness to come forth.

Crying is so healing. And so precious to our God and Father that he welcomes and collects our tears. Wow!

Afterwards I felt a fresh wave of joy as I wandered freely through the fields. The joy of feeling the sun and the breeze on my face, the space of the open countryside and the time to follow a path that I hadn’t explored before. I felt truly alive and flooded with gratitude.

That’s the thing about grief and sadness and whatever life throws that wounds our hearts. As we allow ourselves to experience and acknowledge our losses and our pain, a new awareness and gratitude arises in response to the simple gifts that life offers even in the midst of the hardest of moments.

A gratitude that fails to come forth when we fail to acknowledge the depths of our sorrows and pain. A gratitude that gets lost and blocked behind a wall of cynicism and sarcasm. Sure signs that we have closed and hardened out hearts in an attempt to block the pain. Not realising that in doing so we also block the joy awaiting to come forth following it.

Sadness and sorrow always feel more painful following periods of contentment and joy for it can be all too easy to forget that the sun will shine again.

Change can come in an instant.

For joy or for pain.

Wanted or unwanted.

And we can adjust.

If only we will acknowledge the need to.

Imagine if we denied the change in temperature and continued to wear clothes fit for a sunny 30 something day when it was raining and cold. We don’t do this. We know that we require protection from hot sunshine just as we do from the rain.

Yet when it comes to matters of the heart and soul, how often do we refuse to prepare or to care for ourselves in the face of the actual as opposed to the wanted season and conditions.

We must learn to work with where our hearts are. Not where we wish them to be.

In doing so, the season of sorrow will pass with more ease.

I regularly hear people tell me that they ‘should’ feel this, that and the other as opposed to what they do feel. And it is often the ideas about what we think we should or should not feel that causes further and unnecessary difficulty.

We feel what we feel.

It is not about attempting to force ourselves not to feel what we feel, whether by attempts to intellectualise, pray or even brute force it away.

What is important, is what we do with what we feel.

This does not mean living by feelings alone without reference to the capacity to think about what is felt or to discern spiritually what is happening or what response is required.

But it does mean we need to cultivate the capacity for compassion.

We still live in what is very much a culture of dismissing any sign of sorrow or pain as ‘wallowing’ or ‘weakness’, despite the truth to the contrary.

We would do well to give our sorrow and pain at least as much attention as our joy and happiness.

The two are a package deal.

We cannot separate them.

Without losing something of the ability to feel alive.

The reality is that life is made up of joy and of sorrow.

We can no more stop this than we can control the sunshine or the rain.

But what we do get to choose is how we respond to these by what we do with them.

Just as we take care of ourselves by preparing for sunshine or rain, we can also take of ourselves by preparing and caring for the varying seasons of our souls.

We need both.

Joy and pain.

It is my pain that increases my capacity for joy and appreciation. At least when I can confront it with honesty.

And it is the joy of loving, that can turn in to the pain of losing.

But, I certainly don’t imagine that God sits at his drawing board planning personalised crap parcels for us all, just to develop a bit more gratitude within us. Whilst I’m sure there is much that God does for each of us that we are not even aware of much less thankful to Him for, He is not in my experience a punitive God. He allows hard stuff and I don’t know why, but I do believe there are reasons that are beyond our vision and comprehension and that God remains the key to finding our way through.

We can fight these hard facts of life forever more, or we can learn to work with what comes. Which doesn’t mean we can’t have a few tantrums along the way or at times feel utterly defeated! We just need to engage with these honestly and to seek the help of God and each other, not to remain in these modes!

Because, just as too much sunshine hardens the ground and the rain softens it, so too can the tragedies of life either harden or soften our hearts depending upon our willingness to fully engage with them.

Of course we’d rather this was not so and we‘d rather the pain stayed away.

At least I know I would.

But the reality is that we cannot stop the sunshine or the rain, the joy or the pain.

Yet we can prepare and practice taking appropriate care of ourselves in the face of every season, of weather or soul.

Simple Summer Pleasures …

I have always loved this time of year best.

And this year is no exception.

The heat can be energy sapping but overall it’s my favourite time of year.

The ongoing invitation to be outside without worrying about getting cold is just too good to pass up!

And so I start each day with my morning feast outside on the patio under the parasol.

Food for my body. Flowers for my soul. God’s word for my spirit.

What a way to start the day. As in every day!

Then, in between clients when I’m working in Hitchin I grab myself a swim in this beautiful facility. Not so nice when overrun with the masses.

Once a week in between my private clients, I have myself a reading date. I so enjoy reading and yet no matter how big my pile of ‘currently reading’ books gets, if I stay at home, I’ll never get beyond the distractions to actually reading any of them. And so, I introduced the weekly reading date where I’ll take myself somewhere beautiful then intermittently soak up the environment and read my books. It’s heavenly.

In addition, I’ll take a ‘writing, thinking and dreaming’ date, also once a week. As I don’t see why these ought to be restricted to the stuffy confinement of my office, I vary the location.

Last week, I set myself up on the bank of the stream just by my house. It is truly beautiful, peaceful and refreshingly cool to paddle about in.

As the horses have just given birth, I also got to witness a new born frolicking around with such joy, whilst its mother attempted to keep track.

As I watched this scene play out before me, I could not help by reflect on how much we can learn not just from nature but from animals. The young are so full of energy and life, so open and joyful about the business of simply being alive. As evidenced by the antics of this new foal.

So open, so trusting, so joyful.

But I see this in dogs too in the way that they run with such utter abandon, tongues out, fully engaged in the moment. Heart warming to witness.

And a reminder of the challenge and invitation to those of us who are far from new born and not of the animal kingdom (in the main), that we too can remain open hearted to all that this beautiful gift of life offers (yes, even with all the cruddy bits), because as soon as we start closing down our hearts behind a wall of cynicism, we stop really living. We begin to become half hearted. And as far as I’m concerned that is no way to live. (I know, I got stuck there for many decades before I met my Jesus).

Anyway, all this time outside in the glorious sunshine is such an utter delight.

I’ve even got the bike that hadn’t made it past the back gate in two years, out on to the roads. It’s been fantastic to rediscover the joy and the freedom of cycling. Especially when there is unexpected fruit picking opportunities on the way and essentially a pub grub food stop.

Of course, I love to potter about in the garden too trying my hand at a bit of fruit and veg. Can’t beat using a Google inspired recipe to cook produce straight from the garden. I had some super tasty sweet mange tout this year, although not many of them.

My courgettes have failed miserably having not produced a single courgette (I had a plentiful crop of them for the past two years). However, a lovely, generous friend very kindly gave me a heap from her crop. Result! So, as I have guests over the next few days, I’ve made my first ever courgette and lime cake.

Seriously sumptuous!

And a lovely neighbour has supplied me with tomatoes and cucumber from her garden. They make a luscious Greek salad.

These summer days are rich with the offer of so many simple pleasures that I just love to indulge in. From country walks and bike rides, to paddling in streams, picking apples and blackberries and experimenting with new recipes, to eating outdoors morning, noon and night, to simply absorbing the beauty of the flowers and the nourishment of home grown fruit and vegetables. And of course, an ample intake of icecream.

Whilst sleeping sufficiently is challenging and I’m most certainly not at my most productive this summer, I really am loving nearly all that it has to offer.

So many simple summer pleasures.

And many are absolutely free.

An Inside Job …

A few months ago whilst a good friend was putting up some shelves in my cupboard, he discovered an issue with damp.

Upon further investigation it became apparent that the source of this damp was actually the shower next door.

Apparently, the grouting within the tiling in the shower was not done adequately. This meant that the whole time I have lived in the property and used the shower, the water had effectively gone straight through the tiles in to the inner walls and beyond.

Consequently, as water spreads, it had ruined the immediate internal wall, spread further around the bathroom, was beginning to split the skirting boards and was evident in the cupboards and carpet of my back hall, which is where the issue was identified.

Basically, this internally rooted and thus invisible issue, was beginning to make its presence seen and felt externally.

A simple failure to create an adequate boundary had resulted in water getting in to places that are not made for water. The result of which was that a lot of damage was caused.

But, as the damage started internally, it was initially invisible and thus able to continue its work of destruction undetected. But as with all internal issues, when left for long enough, they begin to manifest externally.

I think we know and accept that should we choose to ignore such a problem, it will not simply disappear in to oblivion. No matter how much we may will it to do so!

Instead, that which we ignore, we permit to continue a work of destruction.

And destruct it does.

As was discovered once the internal walls of my bathroom and hall were investigated.

Of course, what could have happened is that the external damage could have been painted or covered over. Yet without dealing with the internal source, it would manifest externally again.

As a Psychotherapist, I can not help but make comparisons between this and the complicated and messy business of being a human. Further hindered by the cultural thinking that deludes us in to pretending that if we ignore any kind of internal issue; traumatic experiences, childhood difficulties, unwanted/uncomfortable feelings, it will simply float off never to be seen (or felt) again.

There is this idea that if we ignore such matters, they will disappear. Such thinking even goes a step further by imagining that if we uncover and explore the source of such issues, we will be causing ourselves unnecessary problems and pain.

In other words, we will come face to face with that which will cause us time, effort, money and potentially pain, to deal with. What is so often not acknowledged is that it will cause us considerably more time, effort, money and pain, to permit it to fester. Maybe not in the immediate term, but most definitely in the longer term.

And so it is that one generation teaches the next the art of sweeping things under the carpet. Something us English folk are in a league of our own with. To our detriment. The collective Society sized carpet of our nation must be at an all time ‘high’.

There is of course a time for when maintaining a stiff upper lip to get through a particular situation can be a sign of strength. But if engaged with as an everyday way of being, you are guaranteeing yourself a lot of unnecessary future issues. Issues whose consequences would be far less reaching were we to face up and deal with them a lot earlier.

It’s a problem.

One reflected in recent statistics regarding the mental health of our Society; from the very young to the very old and all in between.

We’re struggling.

Something, or in truth many things, are simply not working. And if we continue to ignore this we will continue to see the external manifestations of these internal issues spreading.

There is of course no quick fix. Not to anything of such importance and complexity as the human condition.

However, we can begin to acknowledge the value and importance of that which is within us; the heart, mind, soul and spirit. These need to be proactively taken care of, preferably in a preventative way. And when it is not possible to prevent certain experiences, as it so often isn’t, we need to cultivate a new willingness and receptivity to the need to address and invest in these areas.

We need to understand that this is not weakness but wisdom.

The stiff upper lip served us well during the war (I imagine) but it is not serving us particularly well now. As a way of being it is simply adding to the already large backlog of unaddressed internal issues.

It is time to accept that the stiff upper lip has become a hindrance rather than a help.

We need to recognise the value of our insides and begin to treat them accordingly.

On a Societal level, it is too late to be preventative. We are fighting fires without sufficient water to do so. Which doesn’t mean we should not attempt to do what we can. Collective efforts make a difference.

And, I believe, the God who is so often overlooked, is very much wanting and able to help if only we will learn to ask and to collaborate with Him and each other.

But on an individual level, we do not need to passively wait until our internal issues have manifested so destructively that they have hindered our ability to function (crisis) before we begin to give them the attention and support they need and deserve.

We need to look after our insides.

Which means that we need to learn how to re-engage with our own humanity, especially that of our demonised emotions.

Far from making us weak, when used in conjunction with our capacity to think as well as our spirituality, these emotions hold the key to our health, our progress and our experience of being fully alive.

And, just as I needed to engage with the appropriate expertise of those qualified to address my bathroom issues, sometimes us humans need to engage with the expertise of those qualified to assist us with our internal issues.

I spend my days sitting with individuals for whom I have the utmost respect for being willing to ‘do the work’ of dealing with the internal stuff. It’s uncomfortable, painful and costly, all against a backdrop of a Society urging them to ‘sweep it under the carpet and stop causing themselves unnecessary pain’. I respect the courage and honesty of these people and it is a very great privilege to work with them and to witness their lives begin to change for the better.

And I don’t see why my clients should be the only ones to enjoy the life changing benefits of engaging with therapy. So when I struggle, as I have recently with grief, I too engage with a therapist. I cannot offer to others something that I am unwilling to acknowledge a need for or accept help with myself.

Insides matter.

Mine.

Yours.

Ours.

They may remain largely invisible but when denied or ignored for too long, they manifest externally by restricting our capacity to function as we might.

None of us get all this stuff right and the fact is that it is not easy being a broken, messed up human that is vulnerable to getting hurt by life. The alternative is to shut down and exist and endure instead of living.

But if we tend to, rather than deny our internal issues, we will in the long run save ourselves from a lot of unnecessary pain and hassle.

Problems rarely disappear of their own accord. We need to participate in addressing our internal issues. And where appropriate, engage help to do so.

It is always worth the pain of the process when you come through to the other side.

As I finally have with my bathroom.

Following four months without a useable shower, my bathroom is now fully functioning again. The shower was stripped out, all tiles removed, internal walls redone and the whole bathroom redecorated and fitted with a new shower. Yes there was disruption and hassle. But, I can now say, that my bathroom looks even better than it did originally!

It does cost to deal with internal issues.

But it costs more not to.

What do you need to deal with and what support do you need to enlist to do so?