Category: Emotional Health

Countdown to Christmas

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Only a trinity of sleeps to go!

It’s crept up like it usually does but the countdown is now clearly on.

During the past week or so when my more organised friends began giving me gifts and cards, I realised that I needed to get my head out of its ‘big decision making’ space and promptly bring it in to, ‘it’s CHRISTMAS’ space!

And so since then, I’ve been playing catch up.

Because, as I’ve said before, I LOVE all things Christmas! 

I’ve been sporting my cheddar loaded reindeer clad Christmas jumper, I’ve baked mince pies with mixed results, bought most of my gifts and eaten out more times than my jeans are comfortable with.  

All in the name of Christmas catch ups with the people that I love and am grateful to share life with. 

It’s been feastastik.  

And there is still so much more to come!

I’ve also attended three Christmas parties including one silent disco, which was SO much fun!  The last party which allowed me to celebrate finishing work on Friday saw me as the last one on the dance floor at 1.00am when it closed!  Gosh I love dancing!  And I haven’t done enough this year so I need to rectify that in 2020.

But with all that aside, I equally recognise that Christmas isn’t all feasting and festive frolics.

It can of course also be an incredibly challenging, painful or lonely time. 

A time where we do not simply celebrate who and what we do have but where we also feel the pain of who and what we do not have.

As such Christmas, like the rest of life, can be a real mix of joy, sadness and all in between.  There is such expectation and pressure to be jolly and frivolous despite this not reflecting the experience of all.

When I think back to Christmas two years ago, I remember the devastation of watching my beautiful spiritual mother deteriorate day by day until her death in January.  It was heart breaking. 

Last year I was fortunate enough to be within the love of my new NZ family when the anniversary of this hit.

This year I will be amongst friends.

Christmas can be difficult for all manner of reasons.

I’ve been particularly delighted this year to see local restaurants responding to those who are alone by offering a free Christmas meal.   

Now that’s what I call putting your money where your mouth is.

And that is at the heart of Christ and Christmas; love in word and deed.

It is a time that serves to remind us all of what really matters in life.

Because when we strip back all the theology, the religion and the misinterpretations, the real message of Christ is one of pure love.  

His is a love that shows kindness and genuine care to others irrespective of any response.  And not just to those that we know and love but to anyone that we come in to contact with.  

Love is an attitude and a way of being.

It’s not all about the big gestures either.  

It may just be a smile or a text, a call or a helping hand.  

We know what love looks like, we just get so busy and distracted by life, so consumed by our own circumstances that we cease to notice the needs of those around us or even to recognise those reaching out to us.

But we all need love and we are all capable of giving it.  

Not sparingly but generously.  

Not in a select, I’ll give it to you but not to you way, but to all.

Because whether we are in pain this Christmas or bouncing off the walls with festiveness or even anywhere in between, we all need to be loved.

And Christmas reminds us that Christ was born and He still lives and He still loves and whether you are hurting or celebrating, He offers to be a stabilising, dependable source of unwavering love.

As far as I am concerned, that is a reminder worth having every year because it seems to get forgotten very easily between January and November.

Let us all drink deeply this Christmas of all that Christ is that we may attempt to share this love with each other for the whole year round.

Making decisions

Life presents us with an ongoing series of situations that require us to make decisions.

At times this can feel super scary and uncomfortably grown up.

Just to clarify, I’m still working on what the term grown up actually means!  All the humans I’ve ever met or known were an interesting and varied mix of grown up and infantile characteristics!

Including me!

But life is a constantly evolving collage of all the decisions that we have ever made along with all those that lay ahead.

Some decisions are small with minimum impact. 

For example, I am someone who considers the whole of December to be Christmas month (not that we have to wait until December to remember what life is really about). But as December approached I needed to decide what type of Christmas tree to buy.  I always buy real as I’m no fan of fakery but what size and base type?  After checking out the options, I decided I didn’t want a tacky looking pot when I could have what I considered to be the preferable rustic look offered by the base that has been carved in to a beautiful flat log sphere. 

Having decided the type of tree base I wanted, I headed to the local provider.  After much deliberation I chose my tree and the guy serving put it through the net machine.  Here, the lady next to me told me that they would be putting their tree to soak in a pot over night.  Oh, I thought.  How will I water mine?  The answer to which was that I would also need to get a special plant pot to stand the tree in to allow it to quench its thirst.  This also meant having the bottom part that I was particularly drawn to, chopped off!!

Not my best decision but the consequence was marginal!  And next year I will remember why I don’t want a tree with a base that looks great!  Perhaps I could get away with it if I was one who put my tree up on Christmas Eve but going for gold from the first just isn’t going to work!

However, other decisions are scarily big complete with major consequences.

As I was currently pondering a major life decision, I got stuck on the whole saying no to this means saying yes to the unknown.

Because quite often, we must let go of the thing that we know without knowing what will come next.  This introduces a thing called risk for we must take the step without any guarantee of what is to come.   And that can feel pretty uncomfortable.

As I pondered, reflected, deliberated and repeatedly prayed my top most used prayer, ‘HELP ME God!’, I began to see a little more clearly.

I also noticed the following Paulo Coelho quote, ‘everything we need to learn is always there before us; we just have to look around us with respect and attention in order to discover where God is leading us and which step we should take next.’

I heartily agree as I believe that God is constantly speaking to us through our daily surroundings in order to guide and help us.  I just know that personally I’m probably not paying attention most of the time as I’m too distracted and consumed by other things.

But in the face of a blindingly obvious need for God’s assistance, I began to pay a tad more attention than usual!

And I began to see a way forward. 

Not much of it. 

But enough to know what my first step should be.  In other words I knew what I would be taking one step away from, if not where said step would be taking me towards.

As I deliberated before biting the bullet of taking this first irreversible step, I read about how the priests led by Joshua had to step out in to the Jordan River before it stopped flowing.  This was a river that was at flood point at that stage.  Yet when the priests touched the river with their feet, it instantly stopped flowing. As I considered this, I was reminded that you have to take the step before you see what will happen.

Encouraged by this, I was able to take that first step.

And so it is that the great unknown beckons again.

I still have moments of wondering if I have lost the plot but mostly I feel really rather excited!

As I reflect upon the previous fifteen years I realise that I left my position amongst the play-it-safers back when I first gave up a ‘secure’ job to rent my house and explore the world.

Following my return, accompanied by a vibrant, life giving faith, I took ten years out to retrain which also happened to involve eight house moves.  

So I have learned a little about change, risk taking and decision making!  As well as how to trust the God who sees what I don’t.

So here I am again, relinquishing the play it safe approach for the put my faith in to action approach.

There are no guarantees.

There is risk.

There are consequences.

But I am game!

And after all that serious, grown up decision making, it was time for me to relax at my first Christmas Doo of the season.  Plenty of feasting and dancing followed.

Decision making is not always an easy thing.

But to do nothing when there is a need to do something, can at times be the biggest risk we can take.

Free Time

This can become the gift that we refuse to receive.

Because who isn’t fighting some kind of virus right now or at the very least, just plain tired?

It is as if we are all ready for the Christmas break a month ahead of schedule.

Including me.

Life can get stupidly full.

We live within a culture that rarely recognises the value let alone the necessity of free time or rest.

The nonstop stimulation/attention demanding nature of constantly ‘on’ technology means that it is an ongoing challenge to switch off the technology let alone the mind.

It is as if the concept of free time has become too costly to indulge in when there is always something or someone wanting our attention.

With little or no thought to the personal cost of being constantly ‘on’.

The physical body needs time to be free from the exertions of activity.  Ditto the heart, mind and soul.

And yet, in addition to the advances of technology, there is an all pervasive cultural ideology that can guilt trip us in the face of free time.

What I mean is that often people have accepted a belief that rest or downtime or free time is wasteful or even a sign of laziness.

Many are tormented by internal harsh task masters that drive them to constantly be doing.

Their value has become enmeshed with their activity and productivity rather than the essence of who they are.

Exhausting and unnecessary especially in the face of a God who loves us as we are, rather than for what we do.  The paradox being that in the face of such a love, one feels naturally motivated to do what one is able.  The challenge then becomes in knowing when to stop doing in order to rest.

It would seem that within our frenetic pace of life, our capacity for self care has become considerably diminished.

We have lost the ability to appreciate and enjoy free time.

Time out.

Down time.

Off time.

Rest.

Space.

Quiet.

Time to allow our body, mind, heart and soul to be still.

Time to restore, recharge, recover and reboot.

For me this week, it was time to walk or run amongst the stunning array of autumnal colours displayed in the leaves currently cushioning the walkways.  

Time to celebrate a birthday with a good friend, obviously involving excessive amounts of sugar loaded treats.

Or time to try a new spiced apple cake recipe.  So good I accidentally devoured a large chunk in place of dinner.  Oops.

Or time to sample my first home made mince pie of the season.  Warmed!

Or time to walk instead of drive and thus to notice this squirrel eating out of the bin.  Maybe he has a nut allergy.

And even time to notice and capture this frozen cobweb shimmering in the sunlight of the frosty morning.

We can all fall in to the trap of utilising every minute of every day to be doing.

But time out and off are not optional extras for this thing called life.

They are the fuel that stops us from burning out.

And when we refuse to take care of ourselves by making and using the gift of free time, we are falling in to a way of being that is more harmful than healthy.

At this time of year, the body protests via lowered immunity leading to increased susceptibility to all the seasonal viruses seeking a host.

There is much that we cannot control or prevent.

But we can choose whether to take the time out that we need to maintain the best level of health that we can.

A refusal to take time out to rest impacts our health.

The constant activity also impacts our relationships because these also require our time, attention and love.

And relationships start with the relationship with the self.

As we approach what can be one of the busiest seasons of the year, one of the best gifts of self care that we can give ourselves is to plan in some down time!

Living & Forgiving

Recently I have given a lot of thought to the subject of forgiveness, in preparations for various teaching workshops. 

Whilst I have often heard forgiveness talked about as if it is a simple one off choice, the reality is often more complex.

What many do not realise is that forgiveness is not an act of superficiality.

Over the years my heart has always sunk whenever I have heard this whole, ‘just forgive’ and everything is ok mantra.

It suggests in a flippant manner that this is easy.

Personally I am not convinced that Jesus agreed as he hung there on that cross.

We all encounter the simple day to day stuff where we can easily irritate and disappoint one another despite the best will not to. And it is important to let go of these as we go along.  A collection of grudges is never going to benefit anyone!

But in the more complex areas of injustice and trauma, forgiveness is more of a process.

It certainly starts by making an intellectual choice to forgive, whether someone else; dead or alive, or yourself (preferably whilst still alive!).

But if it also ends there, we are reinforcing any existing disconnect between head and heart.

I think that forgiveness is a threefold business.

First we exercise our free will by making an intellectual choice to forgive.

Then secondly, we can ask Jesus for help to practice forgiveness in real terms in real life as well as to help us spiritually.  Let’s face it, He totally has the monopoly on this forgiveness thing given His whole cross experience along with His ongoing love for us.

Or even, if we are struggling to choose to forgive intellectually, we can ask Jesus for help with that too.

But the third more tricky and timely bit is dealing with all the painful emotions of the heart that allow us to experience a heart rather than head only, level of forgiveness.

Most people simply skip this bit or pretend it is not necessary.  A bypass of which will often lead to other problematic behaviours or physical ailments.  But we all have free will and can exercise it how we wish whether passively or actively.

Thus, in order to experience the freedom that accompanies the giving of a heart level of forgiveness, we have to actually experience, own, acknowledge and work through all the painful feelings that we have about the matter we are attempting to forgive.

Depending on the depth or breadth of the original wound, there may also be a need for professional intervention.  This is no different to our physical health. 

Typically a process of forgiveness involves a process of mourning for whatever losses are attached to the matter needing to be forgiven.

A refusal to engage with this, impacts us.

Not the one you are attempting to forgive, but us.

An inability to give forgiveness to another is to hold on to unforgiveness ourselves.

And that costs.

It is complex but possible to forgive.

To clarify what I mean by forgiveness, I am talking about letting go of all the painful feelings that naturally accompany painful experiences of others.

What I do NOT mean by forgiveness, is that what happened does not matter. 

It matters.

You matter.

Your experience of it matters.

Any lasting impact matters.

It equally does not mean that you need to deny or diminish your true experience.

It also does not mean that you will automatically always continue a relationship with said person.

It even does not mean that it is not right and necessary in some cases to involve the appropriate authorities.

Forgiveness is often a complex and lengthy process that may need repeating.

It is certainly way too huge a subject to do any real justice to in a piece this short.

But in short, when we do not or cannot forgive another, it costs us to hold on to those painful feelings. So whilst it also costs us the pain of going through the process on a heart level to forgive another, it costs us more to avoid doing so.

We don’t have to settle for a superficial intellect only level of forgiveness when a deeper heart level is possible.

But at times we may need professional help to achieve this.

That we may continue to whole heartedly live, learn, love, forgive, be forgiven and repeat!

The heart of the matter

At various points over the years I’ve had a heavy heart every time I’ve heard the realm of emotions demonised within Christian arenas.

I’m encouraged by the new level of receptivity in recent years, but we still have a long way to go.

God gave each of us a heart and I believe He wants us to live with our hearts open to what life has to offer.   Whilst also exercising wisdom and discernment in the face of avoidable pain.

But if we avoid the heart by focusing on the spiritual alone, the physical, mental and emotional do not cease to exist or cease to be adversely impacted through cumulative neglect.

I was reminded of this recently when I attended a training day delivered by a fellow Christian and member of BACP.  This individual specialises in working with those struggling with addictions in sex, porn and love.

In the simplest form, the root cause of these addictions is an inability to tolerate painful emotions combined with genuine unmet emotional needs. This is further exacerbated by the experience of trauma especially when it occurs during the formative years.

Basically, exactly the same as what drives every other type of addiction or unhealthy behaviour whether around food, drink, drugs, sex, porn, spending, gambling, over work or the more blatant and physical self harm of cutting, burning etc.

But whichever way you look at it, the above are all forms of self harm.

And yet the most important commandment in the bible is still to love the lord your God and love your neighbour as YOURSELF.

It is ironic that our failure to learn how to love ourselves when we hurt can result in us hurting ourselves even more.

The above behaviours which we all fall victim to in various ways are a form of communication that as a society we just haven’t learned how to look after our hearts.

We have not learned how to love or comfort or sooth ourselves when we get hurt.  And as we cannot go through life without getting hurt unless we shut our hearts down, which isn’t living, this is pretty important.

Unmet emotional needs drive all our dysfunctions, insecurities, fears and harmful behaviours.

Yet this stuff can be learned.

We all have to learn how to proactively look after our physical health. We understand that we need certain conditions starting from birth for our physical bodies to grow up and mature in as healthy a way as possible.  We can’t choose our DNA but we can choose whether to look after our body’s in a healthy or harmful way.

In the same vein, none of us can choose the family we are born in to or the surrounding culture but we can each choose to proactively create the required conditions that facilitate our hearts as well as our minds growing in to maturity.  This doesn’t just happen.  We have to proactively take responsibility for implementing a healthy rather than harmful way to do so.  In short, this means responding to our broken, hurting hearts with love, understanding and compassion.

Not more harmful behaviours.

To neglect our body, mind or heart is to fail to appreciate or understand their worth or their requirements for healthy working.  

And such neglect leads to unnecessary harm.

Furthermore we must learn to look after our hearts for a failure to do so can also lead to manifestations of illness within the body.

This means we must get over our collective, ‘no feelings please, we’re British’ approach.

Irrespective of age or gender, every one of us has a heart.

It contains feelings we like and feelings we don’t and the more willing we are to learn how to manage the feelings we dislike, the less vulnerable we are to engaging in unhealthy behaviours or at the extreme, addictions.

Feelings matter.

The heart matters.

Our unmet emotional needs matter.

And fortunately we all have access to a God to whom WE matter.

A God who is able and willing to meet our unmet emotional needs both through those around us and through Him direct.

He is equally able to help us to tolerate rather than deny our difficult emotions.

And He is willing. 

Nothing shocks Him. 

Let’s face it, there is literally nothing on this earth that He has not seen!

Will we seek His help in the matters of the heart?

Will we accept professional help when He guides us to do so?

Or will we individually and collectively continue to live our lives in little emotional prisons of our own creation because actually on a heart level, we don’t believe God will help us to have a different experience?

The time has come to wake up and realise that the heart matters.

Retreat, Rest, Reflect

The time to retreat from all was upon me again.

And so it was with excitement that I relinquished my responsibilities to enjoy the freedom of time out.

Leaving at a lusciously leisurely 10.00am on Tuesday, I drove straight to a sea facing establishment that I had pre booked for lunch.

The place, the view, the staff and the food, did not disappoint.

No sooner had I made myself comfortable at the table with the sea stretching out ahead of me, when I noticed a rainbow seemingly rising up from the water.

I always love to be reminded of God’s promises to us.

After conceding defeat to the mash accompanying my winter warming bangers, I took a slow stroll along the sea front and in to the town.

A quick browse around the charity shop resulted in the reward of a white stuff dress for the grand sum of £2.50. Result!

Upon my return walk to the car, I saw yet another rainbow!

After checking out the towns offering, I headed for my sea facing caravan to get settled in before dark.

As promised, I could indeed see the sea from here.

How I relish the chance to indulge in sea staring and rest.

There was even enough light left in the day to check out the beach.

The next day following a relaxing lay in and breakfast, I decided to explore a few towns away along the coast.  Unfortunately, my hoped for walk had been rained off.

In this town amongst all the pretty gift shops I found a cosy pub serving some excellent homemade vegetable soup.  Proper.

I quickly realised that I wasn’t in the mood for shops or crowds though.  Not unusual for me.

When I looked up other sea facing places away from the masses, I discovered a cliff top cafe overlooking the sea.  A quiet one.  Much more my cup of tea.  And  of course cake.

Upon returning to my caravan, I opted for a lazy afternoon nap.  Something I haven’t found much time for in recent weeks!

When I did resurface, I got myself comfortable for a film night.  SO relaxing.

The next day arrived bringing yet more rain.  No walks for me.

Instead, I enjoyed breakfast and coffee on my sofa looking out to sea.

Here I reflected upon the year thus far.

I love having time to step back and survey the big picture.  Examine what has happened in the year to date and think and dream about the year to come.

After a few hours of commitment free time to do just this, I revised my game plan for the day and opted for a local garden centre where the food was highly recommended.

I’m a huge fan of a garden centre; all those beautiful living things as well as the enticement of the gift shops.  This one was top notch.

The cafe had interesting signs on the wall, blankets for those brave enough to sit outside (I wasn’t and only just managed to resist a blanket anyway) and a menu full of proper home cooked food.  No processed rubbish here.

I decided upon a sausage and bean casserole which was suitably filling and appropriate for the wet and windy day.

Next up was a little coffee shop attached to a Hotel.  In here I finished reading my newspaper over a pot of tea with the obligatory sea view.

Having had my fill in every sense, I returned to my accommodation where I packed up my stuff and drove home!

And I still have a few more days to reflect on all before resuming my full responsibilities.

Nice!

The wisdom of the heart

Sometimes life becomes lack lustre.

It is true that we all experience differing seasons.  Some more welcome than others!

But sometimes, it is as if the life blood has been drained from us. 

This may be marked by prolonged difficulty with sleeping, lethargy, fatigue, lack of motivation, low mood, indulging in destructive behaviours and even physical ailments.

Often at this point, medication may be sought to get shot of these pesky and unwanted emotions.

And there is of course a time for medication.

However, all too often, upon careful exploration and investigation, another matter becomes apparent.

That is that the individual experiencing these symptoms is in some type of situation; relationship/employment/group that at best is unhealthy for them. This may even have been going on unnoticed and unchallenged for many years, thus leaving them in the above state.

Whilst the progress of medication is vital, if used to suppress the very emotions that are indicating an issue that needs addressing, all they really achieve is enabling the individual to continue in the very situation that is causing the distress in the first instance.

Unfortunately, what compounds this aside from our obsession with the quick fix, is that we are a culture that puts our trust in the mind and its capacity to think, well above our heart and its capacity to feel. 

But, when the heart is repeatedly left untended it can and does impact every area of life.  The upshot of which can be the type of symptoms I have described above.

As I reflected on this predicament of humanity, I noticed just how difficult it can be for us humans to trust, let alone act upon what our hearts tell us.

As mentioned, our culture dismisses the realm of emotions as if these are just some ridiculous part of ourselves that will simply disappear if we ignore them for long enough.

And so we have developed a personal and collective suspicion over all matters of the heart.  We think that it is to be distrusted, silenced and overruled by the mind.

Of course, it is important to point out that we would indeed be foolish to attempt to live by feelings alone. 

However, we appear to have thrown out the baby with the bath water. 

In doing so we have lost the art of listening to, respecting, discerning and acting upon the wisdom of the heart.

On some level we always know in our hearts what we like and what we don’t. 

Yet, despite this inside information, we often commit ourselves to situations; relationships/employment/whatever that we know in our hearts are wrong for us. 

This does not necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with the person/job/whatever.  They may be phenomenally brilliant. Or not.  But if they are not right for us personally we will know this by the sinking of our heart. 

But sometimes we find it really difficult to admit or acknowledge let alone act on the truth that our heart is revealing. 

At this point, our mind with all its ‘clever’ thoughts may also step in to remind and re-iterate the mantra of our culture; just keep going no matter what the cost and you don’t need to be bothered by the silly business of feelings.

This could be further exacerbated by the chants of the ‘should brigade’.  ‘You should be ok with this, you should try harder, you should be grateful, blah blah blah …. ‘.

And this is how we become stuck in something that is not good for us.

Despite our attempts to quieten the warnings of the heart by distracting ourselves with all manner of doing, it will often awaken us in the dead of the night.  Here, free from distractions, it brings to mind the situation that is not good for us but that we are attempting to ignore.

If we still dismiss the warnings of the heart, over time, we may become more and more unwell, mentally and physically.  A case of the writing is on the body.

And yet still we may endure our situations.

We may struggle to reconcile the discrepancy between what we wish for with the lived experience of the situation.

We just want it to be different and it may be too painful to see that it is not and cannot be.

Fear and doubt may crowd in on us to stifle, shut down and silence these deepest longings of our heart.  They may whisper to us that we will not be able to have that which we most authentically long for.  And that we must make do with that which is making us unwell.

Sometimes, it is even a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of scripture that keeps folk bound in situations that are harmful for them.

Whatever the reason, when the wisdom of the heart is ignored repeatedly, we get stuck doing the same thing that is getting us the same result.

To choose, whether actively or passively, to stay in any situation that is harmful to us, is a form of self harm.

Somehow this seems to be in keeping with the culture of stiff upper lipping it out and being ‘strong’. 

As if it is a sign of superiority to ignore the body’s own warning system that there is a problem that needs tending to.

Or as if it is super spiritual to suffer unnecessarily.

How much of our lives do we end up wasting in situations that do not fit us let alone allow us to grow or thrive?  And how often do these situations actually cause us to become diminished in some way?

Maybe through fear of what others would think if we left the situation or fear about where we think we should be especially at certain ages and stages of life.

And yet, if we can face in to our own truths, to the deepest desires of our heart and pursue these with integrity, commitment and support, we can discover and create a life that we actually want to live. 

At which point, we can expect to see the return of our energy, motivation and drive, improved sleep and health, renewed enthusiasm and the recovery of our get up and go.

The heart knows.

We would do well to pay attention to it.

Life is way too short and far too fragile to commit any serious amount of it to anything that destroys its quality.

What do you believe?

The subject of belief has repeatedly appeared in my orbit in recent weeks.

I am referring here to what we believe deep down about ourselves, others, life and God.

I have discovered that there are usually at least two layers to this. 

The top layer is those beliefs that we profess with our words. 

The second, deeper and at times unconscious layer, is what we profess with our actions.

Whilst we may say we believe one thing, our emotions and subsequently our actions will usually expose any discrepancy with what we believe deep down.

These beliefs can also change, particularly in the face of challenging circumstances.

This subject initially came up in relation to my work and the way in which what an individual believes, directly impacts what they feel and thus what they do.

As soon as this was flagged up to me, it started to stand out as I listened to the narrative of various people. 

What we believe tends to become our reality.

Or it may be that we become unable to see, let alone take active steps towards something that we do not believe to be possible.

In fact, I was recently challenged to examine my own beliefs regarding a personal situation.  As I did so, I realised that a certain set of circumstances had left me particularly vulnerable.  The result of which was that my faulty old belief system had effectively been reactivated. 

Prior to noticing this, my experience was becoming more and more in line with the expectations associated with my old belief system. 

This was not a good thing.

Never underestimate the value of people who will tell you that which you may not want to hear. When true, the sense of liberation usually outweighs the pain.

And, by noticing what is tantamount to a weak spot within my boundaries, I could begin to strengthen this area by addressing the reactivated faulty beliefs about God and myself.  I also realised the need to reconsider and readjust certain boundaries for certain situations.  I could also understand, legitimise and process the real and valid emotions that accompanied the triggering set of circumstances.

As I reflected on the power of our beliefs to transform our experience for better or worse, I was reminded of the importance of identifying personal weak spots.  These are the areas that typically took some kind of major hit during our formative years, consequently leaving us with faulty beliefs about God or self. 

We can and must work through the pain of the original experiences that created any faulty beliefs, as well as correcting these beliefs.

But, we still need to recognise that if this vulnerable area takes a big hit, it may reactivate the original faulty beliefs thus highlighting that more work is required to strengthen the weak spots. 

This is not dissimilar to when you’ve broken a limb and may subsequently be left with a weak area about which you need to take extra care if not wishing to reactivate the original break.

All of which highlights the need for the ongoing business of knowing thyself as well as knowing thy God.

We must make time to monitor not only what is happening externally within our lives but also what is happening internally in response.

And be willing to re-examine what we believe just in case any untrue, faulty beliefs have snuck in through a weak spot. Left unidentified, these could de-rail us.

Most of all, we must check whether we really believe that God Almighty is still God Almighty irrespective of whatever circumstances stand before us, from the slightly stressful to the life threatening.

Will we continue to believe He is who He says He is?

I know that in my own life, if I really did believe this at all times, my life could look remarkably different!

An ongoing challenge for us all to examine, re-examine and attempt to live out that which we profess to believe with our words!

Living with Loss

As I reflect back on my two week summer break I can see things a little clearer.

Firstly, I had been limping along toward that break for quite some time.  I’d experienced some fresh issues of loss, which had triggered other losses, both of which required my attention.  Neither of which got it.  Instead, I had fallen in to the trap of pushing it to one side to join my pile of ‘stuff’ to be dealt with at some unallocated futuristic date.

Mistake.

Consequently, my failure to turn around and face those losses square on resulted in them doing the jack in the box thing.  I noticed them, I felt them, I used much energy to shove them back down and keep going with all the things that had to be done. But not only did they not go away, they continued to pop back up, lingering in the background as a subtle underlying presence throughout.

And so, when I finally arrived at the much longed for break that I was so desperate for, instead of being greeted with a big fat joy filled holiday high, there was my unprocessed grief.  

The very same grief that I had deluded myself in to thinking I could simply skip over without consequence. 

Even though I know this stuff!

I didn’t recognise it at the time though. 

I wondered why I was feeling rubbish when the sun was shining, the sea was shimmering and all responsibilities were well out of sight.  I felt like my soul was out of sync with my surroundings.

As I was feeling a way that I didn’t want to feel, I tried hard not to feel the way that I didn’t want to feel.

And ended up feeling it even more!

Subsequently, I sought out some quieter spots from which to simply stare out to the great blue sea. It was hard to spot where the great expanse of sea ended and the sky began.  But I found this sea/sky gazing super soothing.

As was the luxury of time to read the book that I never made it to book club to read or discuss.  What an inspiring, amusing and overall uplifting book to indulge in.

I was also able to take immense pleasure from indulging in the most enormous cream tea I have ever laid my eyes let alone my chops on.  I was most disheartened to be unable to manage all the cream.  Obviously I wasn’t 100%.

The mornings saw me resisting the call of the beach for running.  Instead I chose to linger in bed for as long as I could without missing breakfast. I equally relished the chance to get back in to bed early each night too. A treat indeed.

I took leisurely daily walks to the neighbouring beaches complete with drink and newspaper reading breaks en route.

As I reflect back on my experience, I can see that in the run up to the break I had dismissed my feelings for tiredness and in need of a break-ness.  But of course, this assessment of the situation fell flat on its face when the break arrived and this limping feeling sharpened rather than dissipated.

And that is the down side of the increased phases where grief is not so present.  I forget what it feels like.  Just like when a physical problem arises then when it’s healed you forget all about it.  I had enjoyed long enough without the grief to forget what it felt like. I had been too busy enjoying life to even want to spot the grief returning.  Again.

Plus, after several months of feeling content, to suddenly feel that creeping sadness, felt worse than when the sadness was a regular feature.

I hate grief.

Or rather, I hate that when I fail to recognise and respond to it, I begin to lose my joy.

I especially hate being on holiday minus my joy.  And this holiday most definitely did not qualify for my most light hearted or jovial of coastal retreats!

Yet as I reflect, I realise that whilst I was disappointed to be accompanied by my grief on holiday, it also forced me to slow down and have the break that I needed if not the break that I wanted.

Post holiday as I acknowledged the grip of my grief, I was able to speak to those that I needed to help me to bear it.

Following a week that provided a banquet of friendship and nourishment that went far beyond my body and supported me to release the backlog of unshed tears, I gradually began to recover my mojo.

Halleluyah!

It seems so clear to me now that every time I try to ignore my grief, I succeed only in prolonging my suffering, delaying my healing and interrupting the flow of joy.

Maybe next time I’ll deal with my sorrows as they arise rather than postpone them until the holidays!

Then again, maybe I’ll need reminding again!

Animal attraction

I love animals.

Well, let me clarify.  I wouldn’t love it if a hungry bear was bounding towards me with ‘You’re my supper’ written in the glint of its eye.

But, generally speaking, I love and am fascinated by animals even if some require more distance than others.

Recently, I’ve been enjoying the series on BBC 1 called Serengeti.  It follows the lives, loves and losses of various animal groups from baboons to zebra’s to wild dogs to elephants and many more.

I absolutely love to watch the animal kingdom navigating its way through the ups and downs of the seasons of life and nature.

The background music and narrative are at times a little cringeville but the group dynamics are mesmerising.  They are remarkably similar to our own.  Whether the existence of leaders who are out for themselves versus leaders that put themselves out for the group or the rejections, betrayals and reconciliations between family members, the premature deaths that remind all of the fragility of life, the separation process when animals grow up, the victory and defeats between rival groups competing for the same meal and even the love bonds that form between unrelated group members’. 

The entire range of life events and emotions are played out between these groups.  Whilst it is a dog eat gazelle kind of a world, with one group surviving at the cost of loss to another, there are also deep displays of tenderness, love and even sharing between competing groups, in times of plenty.

There was one scene where the body of a dead elephant provided food for many.  Whilst enjoying such abundance, the usual rules were laid aside to allow natural enemies to feast side by side.

I’m so struck by the parallels between the animal and human kingdoms.  These species highlight the need to belong to a group, not only to survive but also to fulfil their reasons for living. Something that simply cannot be done alone.

A little closer to home, I am enamoured by the animals that we have trained to become our house companions, for it is these that have the most profound experiential effect on our lives and our health.

I’ve been drawn to animals since I was a small child who used to happily while away numerous hours outside with our pet rabbits. 

There is something so simple, raw and honest about the connection between a human and an animal.  It’s instinctive, wordless and cannot be forced.  But when the bond is there and allowed to develop, I believe it can have a profound impact on both. 

Animals offer us unconditional, judgement-free, affectionate love.

They don’t care what shape, size, colour, nationality, faith, occupation or social standing we hold or aspire to. 

They just love us. 

Amazing!

I’ve always been incredibly moved by the stories I’ve read or heard about relationships between humans and animals.  Nearly always there is an imparting of healing that appears to reach a deeper part of us than our fellow humans.

Recently, I’ve read about three life enhancing experiences resulting from the relationship between a human and an animal. 

First off was the connection between a travel writer (whose name escapes me) and his pet goose. Or was it a duck?  Either way their relationship spanned many years and this vocab free companion provided a presence like no other in the life of the writer.  The grief that accompanied the passing of this animal was not something that could have been predicted or suppressed.

Secondly, I read of a military person struggling with a diagnosis of PTSD who literally stumbled upon a small puppy in the midst of an abandoned warzone.  The relationship that developed was life saving for both.  The trust and affection that this animal gave to this human provided a love that made his life worth living. 

The third article was about a vegan who adopted a pig found wandering the streets. Said pig became a regular fixture on the sofa of said rescuer and her husband!  So endearing!  I mean, who doesn’t love Babe right?

I’ve heard so many stories about how the power of the wordless love of an animal has bought hope and healing to many a heart.  Or even of pet dogs who have highlighted cancer within their owners, thus allowing them to get treatment as well as supporting them through their recovery.

Or the story of A Street Cat Named Bob who empowered the man who found him to turn his life around from homeless drug addict to a man able to enjoy making his contribution to life.

And of course there are many, many ways in which dogs support and care for us humans whether dogs for the blinds, dogs to support children with autism, equine therapy, dogs or even horses taken in to hospitals or nursing homes or supporting police in their work.

The list goes on and on.

I think that animals are absolutely amazing.

And the attraction and relationship between us is a gift of the highest order.

Not only can they enhance the quality of our lives but they equally play a significant role in sustaining our mental and emotional health.  Possibly because they can’t speak!  They simply offer us their presence. 

When it comes to the healing of our hearts, more often than not, we don’t need clever words, solutions or attempts to fix something. We often long for a wordless, unconditional, judgement-free, affectionate presence of love, within which we can begin to heal.

Pets are profound in their ability to reach us with their eyes and their presence, both when and where we need to be reached.

What a gift!