When unexpected death raises questions we can’t answer

When sudden death raises questions, we cannot answer

Yesterday, I returned to my Psychotherapy and Supervision practice, following my summer break. So much loss, trauma and tragedy had occurred during my break. This included the death of a man at Big Church Day out. This has sent shock waves rippling through the Christian community. I can only imagine the pain of all affected. And send prayers for God’s circumstance-defying-comfort to hold all.

The summer is typically a time for annual celebrations via numerous festivals. These create spaces for people to come together and worship God.

And yet, this festival experience was brought to an abrupt end following the sudden death of one, the injury of several and the shock of an entire community.

The non-Christians looking on, ask.

“Where was your God then?”.

A fair question that is probably on the lips of every Christian. Along with the age old favourite,

” Why do bad things happen to good people?”

Whatever ‘good’ may mean.

Unfortunately, a fact of life is that tragedies/injustices/accidents/horrors happen to all sorts of people. And when they do, they reveal the doubts, questions and unacknowledged conditions we all put on our love and acceptance of God. This is part of our shared humanity. And no surprise to the God who made us to feel and think as we do.

Most of us humans like simplistic, if binary, ways of framing life experience. We may feel safe and in control if we believe that reading our bible and saying our prayers, protects us from harm.

These beliefs are comforting but fall short in the face of the unspeakable. This is why our churches need to teach a theology that does not skirt around the tough topics. Instead, we need a theology that goes deep enough to hold us when the devastating, shocking, unexplainable life/death events happen.

We all like to feel safe, in control and certain of our beliefs. However, there is a growing body of Christians who are no longer willing to accept false platitudes or claims of certainties, where none exist. Many are ‘deconstructing’ dated and ineffective beliefs that box God in, make him feel controllable and attempt to eliminate unwanted uncertainty. All of which blocks the way for God to be God.  

Deconstruction involves sifting through learned but unhelpful ideas about who God is and what it means to walk with him.  A world of mystery, magic, unknowable-ness and questions that lead to more questions, awaits those willing to leave the familiarity and comfort of false certainties. One where we do not have all the answers, but we do learn to sit with what we do not know and lean on what we do. And to stop dismissing hard realities, by applying sticking plasters in the form of false platitudes.

This tragedy of loss of life at this Christian festival, forces us to face what we struggle with about being human:

• Not knowing; it was going to happen or why
• Our shared fragility/vulnerability
• Our shared mortality
• Lack of control to predict, prevent or pray away unexpected death/injury/accident etc
• Real risk of death that engaging in life brings
• Not understanding why this happened to one person and not to others
• Having questions that we cannot answer; resist the Job’s friend’s trap

The lifelong question arises again in the heart and mind of all who seek.

“Where is God in this?”.

No amount of intellectual understanding can answer this question. It is a matter for the heart, soul and spirit to navigate.

“Why would God allow a human’s life to be taken unexpectedly, while at a festival to celebrate and worship Him?”.

God never needs us to tip toe around or sidestep the hard questions. While God does not have to justify or explain himself to us, He does welcome us with whatever we feel or think. And he meets us with a presence so powerful and tangible that there are no words for it. This must be felt to be known.

God is real about the reality of life; good, bad and horrific can and do happen to many. I have read God’s word cover to cover many times. Nowhere in this text does he promise to spare us from suffering. He did not even spare his own son from the sort of suffering most of us could never imagine. But he allowed that, to fulfil his promise that we never need suffer alone.

Shocking events do happen; people do lose their lives or have them changed irreversibly.  We do not and cannot understand why. And that is really, really, hard.

We can look to what God shows us through the life of Jesus. When faced with Mary’s sorrow following Lazareth’s death,

Jesus wept.

Jesus wept.

Jesus wept.

Read that again.

Even when he knew he was going to bring Lazareth back to life.

Jesus’ real, raw, relatable response does not explain/justify/minimise. He reveals his love and compassion, by sitting with the one who is grieving and feeling their pain with them.

Jesus still does this.

Jesus meets everyone in their shock, disbelief, rage, resentment, confusion and pain, in the same way that he meets our unanswerable questions.

When we refuse to harden our hearts in the face of hard realities, or to relinquish our ability to think or question, or to stop trusting God when we do not understand, he meets us there. With love; the ultimate antidote for the deepest depths of wordless suffering. This is not an original reality, but a timeless classic that remains as true and effective today as it always has been.

Such a tragedy is unfathomable. I do not understand why this happened. But what I do know, is that our unfathomable God reveals himself to us in fathomable ways, within these tragedies and losses.

When we find our way through the time-stopping shock, the unanswerable questions, the loops of ‘what if’s’, and the haze of disbelief, we begin to change the questions from why, to how and what.

• How do I/we navigate this
• How do I/we support ourselves
• What do I/we need?
• What do I/we not need?

The model shown by Jesus reminds us … pain needs presence, love, compassion, patience, time, space and support.

It does not need belittling, dismissing, rushing, ignoring, quick fixing, pretence, intellectualising or spiritualising away.

To heal the heart, mind, spirit and soul is to allow the time, space and support needed to facilitate this. The heart knows the way, when the mind gets out of the way and allows heart, soul and spirit to lead.

This is not easy.

But keeping our hearts soft, when the world is not, is more manageable when we share our hearts pain and love with one another.

And God is always here offering his love, presence and comfort while we navigate life and death. He helps us through the heart’s hurts, the mind’s unanswerable questions and the soul and spirits quest to remain alert and alive even when it BLOODY HURTS.