Category: Emotional Health

The Queen: A life well lived.

Like millions of others, I watched the Queen’s funeral on Monday.

I found the service deeply moving.

The reading of Psalm 34:17:19 jumped out to me and is worthy of including here …

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers them out of them all.

As I am yet to meet a human whose life remains untouched by troubles, I think this is incredibly encouraging for us all.

As I watched the Queen’s funeral and cried and reflected upon what I saw about the life of this woman known the world over, I concluded, rightly or wrongly, that the Queen must have been profoundly loved.  I came to this conclusion because of the multiple images of the Queen smiling, at this crowd or that, this individual or the other.  Now of course we all have our game faces.  However, the smile that she is so famous for is not forced nor does it fail to reach her eyes and the only way anyone can smile like that for prolonged periods is when it comes from within.  Hence my opinion that she must have been deeply loved to have allowed said love to shine through her so sincerely for so many decades and to so many humans.

I very much respected the Queen’s acknowledgement of and referral to her faith.  To my thinking, the love that shone through her was probably largely of the Almighty as well as from her husband and wider family.  Many have written of Prince Philips supporting role for the Queen.  A supportive love that spanned so many decades, I can only imagine her sense of loss thereafter.

As I watched Prince Charles, I warmed to him even more for the humanity he revealed over the pen that wasn’t working!  Such trivial things are irritating but in the throes of the type of new and raw grief that he will be in, usual patience and tolerance levels can dip dramatically.  I found myself wondering how he must be feeling faced with the task of following in the wake of a woman such as the Queen.  And then I found myself thinking that actually, our new King need not follow in his mother’s footsteps but the deeply original footsteps that the same God Almighty has called, prepared and equipped him to take at this time. 

King Charles will never be his mother but neither need he be.  He will be able to reign over this country in a way that only he can if he follows his own relationship with God and the steps God calls him to take.  I am curious to see how he adapts to this role that he has spent a lifetime preparing for.

I also wondered about the personal cost to all the family members who had to fulfil the roles assigned to them, so publicly, in such an early time of grief.  I only hope and pray that each will find sufficient space and time, in private, amongst loved ones, to allow their grief to be felt and processed.

Whilst we are led to believe that grief is a quick thing that magically disappears after the funeral, the reality is way messier, with no set time or pattern.  Grief is as unique as the relationship between the bereaved and deceased.  And contrary to popular belief, it is not only time that is required to heal but also space and self care.

As I acknowledged my own feelings of sadness at the passing of such an incredible, inspirational, dedicated human being, I found myself wishing for one more address from the Queen.  I wished that she had recorded a video for us with one more message of common sense and wisdom, encouraging us to work and play nicely together and to support her son in fulfilling his own commitment to us as whole heartedly as she had.  And to remind us, that we will meet again.  I wished for this whilst also recognising that this longing has accompanied my own grieving process for people that I have loved and lost when their lives have ended unexpectedly or without goodbyes.

I also noticed how the sombreness of the day was interspersed with moments of celebratory shouts and cheers.  The process of grieving is to acknowledge and honour our own feelings of sadness or anything else whilst also beginning to feel gratitude and joy for the life that person lived and the time we had to enjoy them.

Death, loss, endings and grief are unavoidable.

How we choose to engage with life is deeply personal and when I look at the life and the death of the Queen, I see a life well lived.

The Queen

What a shock this past week has been.

Of course on a purely intellectual level, it is not really surprising that a woman of ninety six who is grieving the loss of a husband of seventy years, as well as the grief of other family issues, has now died.

And yet, this was no ordinary woman in any ordinary position. 

This was a woman who impacted the masses and who was known the world over as simply ‘the Queen’.

Those who met her were struck by her radiance, smile, humour and humanity.

As one of the masses who never saw or met her, I was surprised by my own sadness.  Whilst I didn’t follow her every move, I realise now that I had internalised something of the constancy, steadfastness and calm that her presence provided.  I found myself feeling that we have lost a layer of protection somehow through her death.

I can’t fully profess to understand my grief but know only that it is part of the collective grief that we will all experience slightly differently dependent upon our own personal history around loss.

I have nothing but respect and admiration for the way in which the Queen whole heartedly walked the talk of her first speech in committing her life to serving us.  I am pretty sure we will never realise the true cost to her or her loved ones of such an unwavering dedication to the world beyond her own.

Whilst she was a woman in what was and still is in many ways, a man’s world, men in power, the world over, sought an audience with her.

Personally, I respected her open acknowledgement of her own faith whilst equally respecting people of all faiths or none.

And I find it inspiring to hear how she impacted people of all ages and stages of life.

What a woman. 

What a gift. 

What a loss.

I pray now that the God of all comfort will comfort all of us who mourn her death, especially her own family.

And I hope that Charles knows that the God who strengthened and sustained his mother can do the same with him.

A gift

The other night I had the pleasure of tea and cake in the garden, with a good neighbour. 

Gotta love the simple pleasures.

Anyway, said neighbour arrived bearing an early gift for my birthday.

I removed the wrapping to reveal the beautiful gift inside.

As I reflected upon the giving and receiving of gifts, it struck me that if I give someone a gift, I don’t stop them just before they open it to go through a checklist of their behaviour to determine whether I consider them worthy to receive it.  Neither do I present them with a to do list that they must first complete.  Which is not to say that I don’t ask friends to assist me with certain job lists but that’s a whole other story!

There is joy in seeking out or creating gifts for others, as well as in receiving them.  And we don’t typically check whether we think someone ‘deserves’ it beforehand.  (Unless you’re a parent and Christmas is approaching!).  Under usual circumstances, we make a choice to give or to receive as an act of free will that usually provides enjoyment for both party’s. 

Win, win right?

And yet, I am equally struck by all the deeply embedded ideas us humans can hold inside of us that interfere with our ability to receive of the ultimate gift of all – God Almighty.

So many of us humans are prone to discrediting ourselves from the gift of God.  We imagine that we are not this enough or too that or haven’t done this or did do that and so the list goes on.

Some simply do not believe in God, except perhaps when looking for someone to blame for all the horror and injustice in the world.

The fact remains that God chose to send Jesus to provide the link that allows us to approach and receive the gift of God, anytime, anyplace.  It was an act of free will that certainly cost the giver but was given regardless and willingly at that.

The giving of the gift is not based upon anything to do with us – it’s NOT about us!  It is freely given!

What is about us, is whether we choose to receive it.

Furthermore, like many gifts, they can be shared with others.

God is no exception.

Saying ‘No’

I am aware of a collective difficulty around saying no.

The ability to use the word ‘no’ appropriately and confidently is vital to our mental and emotional health.

‘No’ is a boundary, whose purpose is to protect what lays beyond; the self.

To maintain responsibility for all parts of our health we must recognise and manage our daily capacity for functioning. 

We all have strengths, weaknesses, time, talents, responsibilities, challenges, blessings, feelings, thoughts, needs and limitations.

In recognising the legitimacy of these, we can take better care of ourselves when balancing the give and take of daily living.  This subsequently enables us to care for others from a healthier place.

Typically our culture congratulates people ‘who always put others first’.  We are less likely to acknowledge that such people may be secretly dying of the resentment that accompanies prolonged unmet needs.

To clarify, I am not suggesting the opposite position of always putting self first.

It is not always other or always self but a balance of sometimes prioritising self and sometimes other.

In my work as a Psychotherapist I regularly hear how difficult many people find it to say ‘no’, whether to the boss with unreasonable expectations or within personal relationships.

To preserve mental and emotional health which impact physical health, we must recognise our limitations and learn when to put limits on others demands by saying ‘no’.

When we respect the legitimacy of our own needs and limitations, we can say no to others before reaching crisis point.  We do not need to explain, justify or enter in to the type of negotiations that invite the other to talk us out of our no.

No is no.

The more solid and honest our ‘no’, the more heartfelt our ‘yes’ can become.

Jesus & Coleslaw

After a most enjoyable evening amongst friends, I was challenged to write a post with the above title.

Obviously, I cannot resist a challenge.

We started our evening as all good evenings begin … with a meal.  The food I ordered arrived minus the coleslaw that it was advertised as including.  As I was looking forward to this and I refuse to be one of those English folks who pretend it’s ok before spending the evening moaning about it not being ok (been there, done that, didn’t get a t-shirt or the coleslaw), I told the waitress I ordered it with coleslaw and I wanted coleslaw!  And she replied that she would get me a pot of coleslaw which meant that it would be a larger portion than the one that would ordinarily have accompanied the meal.

Get in, thank you and high five Jesus, I remarked to my friends!

What? 

Jesus got your coleslaw, one enquired, uncomprehendingly?! 

I explained that in my understanding and subsequent lived experience, this being a case in point, Jesus is not only interested in the super religious, formal, holier than thou aspects of our lives (whatever they may look like) but in all areas of our lives and His word tells us that He provides.

He provides.

There is no small print trying to exempt Himself from delivering on certain fronts.  He provides for the birds of the air, the lilies of the fields and so much more, for you and I.  

I don’t believe we are to limit or restrict Him by attempting to reduce Him to only providing in whatever small ways we consider to be appropriate.   I just don’t buy the idea that it is our role to squeeze Him into little culturally dictated moulds any more than it is His, to reduce us to fit tiny religiously determined boxes.

What I do believe is that He is way bigger than we and certainly I, give Him credit for.

God does not fit in a box nor call us to.

I believe He calls us to take Him at His word – a whole beautiful bible full of it.

He provides.

And he is not a tight or a stingy God, but a generous one. 

Yet, He is a God that requires us to respond by developing the faith to take Him at His word and trust in His ongoing provision sufficiently enough to relax in to and depend upon Him to meet all of our needs and some of our wants!   

What I am witnessing as I put these words, I profess to believe into action, is that when I step back out of trust, God steps in to provide. 

Boom.

This has led me to look back on various situations and reflect with a sigh, … ‘Oh me of little faith.’

I often ponder how unrecognisable our lives may be if only we truly and expansively took God at His word, whether in relation to his promise to provide or anything else.

As I practice trusting in His provision more, I believe He is challenging me and you and us, to know that He is not the God of the just scraping through or the God of stinginess.  Whilst I also don’t buy in to the TV evangelists claims of prosperity, where applied in a way that takes the focus off Jesus, I equally don’t believe He is a God who leads us to poverty.  This is not to say that neither exist.  But that God is a God of more than enough, a generous helpings kind of a God who I believe enjoys providing lavishly for His children.

In fact, the God who wants to provide a bigger portion certainly than I have expected, trusted, imagined or had the faith to consistently believe for.

I do realise that on the night out in question, it was only coleslaw, but to me, it represents the generosity of the God who I believe, wants to provide a bigger portion of Him and the abundant life He offers, to me, to you and to us.

There is quite simply nothing more amazing in life than for us to trust in, receive, revel in, enjoy and then liberally share Jesus with others.

That’s what I call a win, win.

Make mine a large one please Jesus …  and keep ‘em coming …

Time for fun therapy

As I listen to people, I cannot help but hear just how tired so many of us are.

This isn’t entirely surprising given we are still emerging from a long term pandemic, the impact of which may only be hitting us now that the hardest part has passed.  We hope.

But, there is a collective fatigue.

For, whether we got off lightly or lost much, the time has come to start living again, whatever that may look like for you.

And I am encouraged to add that alongside the collective exhaustion is a growing confidence in returning to fun activities that have been denied for too long, or in finally booking those longed for holidays.

Fun is calling again.

There is growing awareness of conditions such as post traumatic stress and the disorder it can lead to, but not so much about post traumatic growth and the new life it can evoke, this despite the growing number of real life story’s that testify to exactly this.  Yet post traumatic and post pandemic growth and life exist and call us all.    

Covid and indeed ordinary life bring much loss, grief and sorrow.

And yet, ongoing new life remains beyond it all.

As nature reflects the rest and nourishment required to reproduce new life, so too can we nourish ourselves in to readiness for the life that lay ahead.

Fun can provide a big part of this nourishment.

This does not deny the losses experienced thus far but neither does it deny the new life just up ahead. Both are real and true and it is our challenge to grieve for one, prepare for the other and hold both in tandem.

New life is calling.

And the return to fun activities is an important part of our individual and collective healing, ongoing growth and life beyond it all.

The naked tree

In January, I typically sit scratching my head and wondering why I am struggling to push through on creative projects that I profess to love.

This January has been no exception.

However, every time I’ve got myself out in to nature or even sat in my cabin staring out of the window, my eyes have been drawn to the naked tree.

I am struck by the sheer beauty of it.

There it stands in its birthday suit looking absolutely strikingly fabulous.

That’s all well and good and I’m always up for a feast for the eyes.  But was I supposed to learn something from this?

I do believe that when we seek and we really mean it and we really want it, we do find.  The following quote springs to mind; ‘when the student is ready the teacher appears’.

And so I kept looking and I kept wondering.

Initially what this spoke to me was that whilst in the season of winter, all the leaves have been stripped away (and begrudgingly raked up by me last year) thus leaving the bare branches. I began to have the thought that I am pretty sure they don’t stand there all winter, worrying incessantly that they will never be clothed in leaves again.

They trust in their seasons and cycles of rest.

I’ve certainly never seen a tree clinging on to its last remaining leaf for fear there will never be any more.

Can I say the same of myself?  Not always, seemingly.

I looked again.

This time, I registered that these trees are in a season of rest.

Perhaps this means that it is ok for me to rest.

But, I’ve just had the longest break and rest that I have had since this pesky pandemic began.

I am rested.

I continued to look at the tree.

Then it occurred to me that not only were they standing there naked, being beautiful and resting, but undoubtedly they would also have been taking up whatever nutrients they need from their roots.

As I pondered this, I realised that we live in a culture fixated on all things physical, visible and tangible.

We can neglect to see let alone to understand the importance of the invisible or that which occurs beneath the surface, irrespective of its vital role not just in sustaining but developing and regenerating new life.

I wondered if I was taking up the nutrients I need.

And then I got it.

In January, whilst most folk focus on all things physical, I remember the importance of all things mental and emotional.  I know that if I expect much of myself in this area whether for work or for play, my commitment to nourish my heart and mind, must remain for more than the first few weeks of the year.

Obvious right?!

As a Psychotherapist, I feel I ought to know this on an embodied enough level to practice it on a daily basis!  As a human, I am aware that I have a propensity towards amnesia when it comes to all things life giving!!

I am also reminded that this can happen to those responsible for contributing to the spiritual health of their sheep, ie pastors, as I read this week in UCB that research revealed that many pastors whether suffering from a similar amnesia or simply not grasping the relevance, do not practice praying to the God who wants to feed us all, the type of fuel that quenches our thirst and satisfies our deeper hungers.

And so, off the back of the learning from the naked tree, I am going to be practising cultivating daily habits to regularly feed my own heart and mind in addition to feeding my body and spirit.

As I do so, for the month of February, via FB, I will be inviting anyone else interested in ingesting enough fuel for enlivened living, to participate in twenty eight days of implementing habits that enhance the mind and heart to sustain and nourish mental and emotional health.   

Come join me …

Dry January

For many, January is the month to stop drinking alcohol or maybe give up meat or sugar or whatever else was either done to excess in December or is deemed healthy to abstain from.

Whether your focus is on denying yourself any of the above or not, life can feel a little dry in January following all the activity’s that accompany Christmas.

In fact next Monday the 17th is considered to be blue Monday aka the most miserable day of the year.

Whilst we are encouraged left, right and centre to focus on all things physical in January, it is still what we think and feel, that determines our enthusiasm or otherwise for the daily grind of life.

As I look out of the window, I see dreary, damp, wet, grey weather.  It is not uplifting and quite the contrast from the rare but blue skied wonder of yesterday.

The miserable weather outside often leaves us feeling miserable inside.   

When the sun shines, it gives us a lift.

When the sun does not shine, we need non weather dependent ways to create our own lifts.

It is true that it can be harder to lift the spirits without the aid of the sunshine, but it is equally true that it is not impossible.

Whilst there is so much focus on physical health, it can be easy to overlook the need to be just as intentional and proactive about looking after our mental and emotional health.

But how exactly do we do that?

More about that next time …

Kissing or Kicking 2021 Goodbye?

This is the phrase that came in to my head as I lumbered through the village on my post Christmas holiday run.

It’s taken me all week to get my backside off the sofa and out for this run so I’m feeling a little smug right now. 

In fact, I’m feeling a lot smug especially compared to when I got on the scales this morning to check what kind of additional Christmas weight I would be lugging around on the run!  If only losing the leftover reality of all the excess indulgence was as much fun as acquiring it!

But hey, that’s the price I’m willing to pay for having time out to lounge around on the sofa, declining most forms of activity unless they involve further consumption of highly rich foods.

Anyway, as 2022 looms ever closer, I can’t help but reflect on the year we’re about to see off.  It’s been quite peculiar really.  Actually it hasn’t been that dissimilar to this Christmas holiday.  It started off with great excitement, enthusiasm and joyous activity only to be quickly followed by a sadness that made me glad to do a profession that requires me to always have an ample supply of nose and eye wipers.

The sadness of that which has been lost tends to resurface amidst the heightened emotion of the season.

And then, the other day I succumbed to watching a cheesier than cheesy film which nonetheless had me grabbing for those tissues yet again.

It’s the ending thing; the end of a year, the end of what didn’t work out this year, what hasn’t worked out before and just endings in general.

I’ve been fortunate that I have not lost anyone I have loved this year although I know many who have, all of whom my heart goes out to.

But as I reflect now upon my own difficult feelings evoked about endings, including the ending of this year, I can’t help but see that 2022 offers the chance to begin again.  To put aside what didn’t go well this past year and recommit to trying again in this New Year.

In support of this, I’ve found myself reflecting on the things that aid me in staying open, engaged and inspired to never give up on those dreams that remain etched deep on my heart.

In recent years I have found myself following a pattern where I start a new year eager and motivated to see through a new creative project only to find it cast aside a few short months later under the weight of life continuing to throw up new challenges.

Ugh.

And so, whilst there are obvious things like doubt, fear and general dream stealers, that I don’t want to be taking in to 2022 with me, I have also identified those people and pursuits that I need to proactively plan time for.

In other words, I’ve updated my game plan.

As I am well aware, there remains much that is out of my control in life, including whether BoJo will go all restrictive on us in 2022.

But, it continues to be true that the way in which I respond to what is within my control determines whether I move toward or away from my dreams.

I recognise that I have been moving in the wrong direction in that respect and so I’ve begun to right that for 2022.

It offers another chance to begin again for which I am grateful, especially as I have found myself wondering more than once during 2021 whether I used the changes prompted by restricted living in 2021 to do what I feel called to do.  The honest answer, is no.

I want to rectify that in 2022.

Try, fail, reflect, repeat!

Recently, I have absolutely relished the freedom to go out to play; to watch films, eat out, dance until my body reminds me that I am not as young as I once was (who is?) and to sing worship to my God at Church.

Who knows how long this will last now that Omicron is on track for the fastest spreader so far.

But whilst restrictions have remained largely at bay, I have been reminded of the importance of fun.

How easy it is to lose sight of this in the presence of all things adult-ing.

In this respect I have regularly lost sight of fun throughout this last year.  I don’t think any year is typically all bad or all good but this one certainly feels like it has swung more in to the not good box.

I often wonder why it is that I learn so much more from my mistakes.  Perhaps it is the simple reality that pain jolts me in to paying attention.  There is nothing like a big arse ouch to make me sit up and take note.

As I reflect on the year, I see a pattern of poor decision making.  I didn’t know they were poor decisions at the time.  I thought I was being … open to new possibilities!

But I quickly discovered the prompt emergence of a sinking heart, an overwhelming amount of stress and or a combination of both are pretty good indicators that something is not right!

What I have practised this year is recognising when I have got myself in to something that asks too much or delivers too little, that it is I who need to take responsibility for my error and get myself back out pronto.

The culture I live in which unfortunately lives within me at least until I excavate and examine it fully, tells me that I must always put others first (especially as a female and Christian).

Like absolutely everything else in life, this needs to be within context rather than an absolute blanket approach to all.

Sometimes an ingrained belief that one must not fail others can actually leave me failing the first person I am actually responsible for AKA myself.

And when I fail myself too often or for too long, I begin to fail or at least to malfunction or cease to flourish or have much to offer others.  This is not a win, win scenario!

Learning what is not right for me has been at least as important this year as learning what is.  It’s just that the growth and learning that accompany getting it wrong, is more painful!

In that respect, this year has seen quite the growth spurt!

But I accept that sometimes I just have to have a go in order to find out if something works or not. 

I win some, I lose some.

So as I proceed towards the end of this year, I definitely want to carry within me a renewed understanding that when something does not work, I need to abandon it, NOT myself.

I don’t consider that to be a bad lesson to take from the year!

And I certainly don’t want to forget that in the face of all this trying, failing, reflecting and repeating, I must hold on to FUN, for it is this that enables me to reconnect with my own spontaneity, aliveness, humour and capacity to keep having a go!