Tribute to a trio of dads

Last weekend I surprised myself by going to Hitchin. On a Saturday. A destination I usually avoid of a weekend due to my dislike of noise making/space taking crowds. And stress inducing parking scenario’s; too many cars, not enough spaces all combined with having to push through my aversion to apps/parking machines. That’s a hattrick of hated situations I prefer to spare myself from of a Saturday.

However, as the monsoons/hailstones were taking a break, I chose to risk life and limb by cycling to Hitchin. Something I find way safer and more enjoyable than driving and trying to park the car.

Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised that it was warm and dry enough to sit outside in the square. A talented singer was playing by the nearby pub; the sun was popping out periodically and there weren’t too many people. A winning hattrick.

My friend and fellow therapist and I were able to enjoy a good scoff, al fresco. We also caught up on all things life, death and relational.

Our discussions led to the recent death of my dad which led to a deeper dad discussion. We discovered that we shared some similar experiences and feelings about our respective dads.

Afterwards I realised that I’ve had many parent-based conversations lately. These have highlighted that no matter how old we are, we are all wired with the longing for the love of a father. To make us feel seen, held, safe, comforted, helped, protected and guided. None more so than when the sh*t hits the fan; whether we are behaving like a bit of a sh*t ourselves, someone else is, or another sh*t bomb has landed from life.

We are all dealt different cards when it comes to our biological dads. Some dads are absent whether physically (or dead) or emotionally, others are distracted/pre-occupied/neglectful, controlling or plain abusive. And some are present as never ending sources of love, support, money … most are somewhere in between.

Whatever hand we were dealt on the dad card front, the stresses and strains of middle age can evoke a childlike longing for a ‘parental’ figure. We may want a parent to make us feel like we don’t have to hold it all in, or all together, or all on our own. Especially in times of transition, change, uncertainty, loss, grief etc when we may regress to feeling small, frightened and unsettled. And we may long for a proper grown up to take the weight off our shoulders, put their big, strong arms around us and lead us forward step by step. (Do any of us feel qualified to claim official grown up status?)

We may long for someone safe and solid to hold us steady while we work out and walk through, challenging and changing times. We may long for this to be a parental presence who offers a strength that give us the comfort, consistency and compassion that we crave when we feel vulnerable. We may want to surrender to a childlike status, free from the weight of grown up responsibilities, decisions and adult to-do-ing. And we may long to feel safe to trust in the helping hand of one who see’s and knows more than we do and always wants the best for us.

And that’s when I realised that while no human parent can meet all these hopes, I’ve hit the jackpot with God as the dad who can! God likes to show me lessons in three’s as it often takes three times of him showing me something similar, to secure my attention! But as three is also a holy number, he often blesses me in threes too. When it comes to the dad department, I got three of them!

The biological dad was a great provider while growing up. He also imparted his unstoppable tenacity for hard graft and pursuing his passions. And his enormous capacity for laughing at himself. I am grateful for each of these. At least I am when I realise there is also a time to not be unstoppable on the grafting/passion pursuing front! There were other more difficult aspects of him, some of which I have also inherited! And I continue to work with and through these in therapy, under God’s genius and gracious guidance!

And God is the only perfect parent. He accepts me always, however I am. And his love changes me, always, however I am, into something better. Not out of demand, pressure or fear of punishment, but because his love is so pure that it is impossible not to be changed in its presence.

My propensity for being literal serves me well in that I take God at his word. Mostly. Except sometimes when I’m very afraid. But I never withhold what is in my heart from him, whether good, bad or very bad! Because I understand that nothing within me is hidden from him! So I bring it all before him openly and promptly. And because God accepts me because of who he is, not who I am (phew), I am free to bring the best, worst and everything in between to him. I love this. Because he is the greatest help with working through the ugliest parts within me; thoughts, feelings, whatever. He helps me to turn these in to healing, learning and liberation. Wowsers. What a God, what a dad, what a parent.

And he always see’s what folk are up to behind my back – I don’t have to worry about those who do not have my back or even my front, because God has got all of me covered. All I have to do is remain focused on my heart and my conduct, as directed by the ultimate deity.

When I am struggling under the weight of life stresses, unexpected problems or self-inflicted exhaustion, God reminds me who he is. And asks why I am trying to do the heavy lifting without him, given this is his speciality. When I get this, I give what weighs me down to him, leaving me free to walk lightly into whatever God calls me to.

Of course, like most humans, I try to go back and grab these back off God! But fortunately, he’s patient enough to bear with me and work with me without finger wagging or ‘haven’t you got this, yet-ing!’ He continually reminds me through repeated experience that he is trustworthy. Always. In every situation. And my life is always easier when I remember this, in practice and let him carry the load!

As with all relationships, trust is the key foundation. Without trust there will always be problems. And trust is something we can cultivate and grow over time. The more I see, experience and realise God is trustworthy, in actions not just words, the more I can lean in to and upon Him. And practice letting him do the heavy lifting. Life feels much lighter and easier like this. When I remember, in actions not just words!

I remain immensely grateful that when I feel small, afraid or childlike, I have the Father of God to simply and safely sink in to. To rest in his presence and allow him to hold me while I recover or regroup or various other words starting with ‘re’. He is safe. He does not judge me for sharing my heart, or victim blame or shame me for having a heart that is soft and healthy enough to feel hurt. He is a true Father and God of comfort and compassion who constantly calls me to him. To relax into him and switch right off. Safe. Finally. To stop acting like I must hold it all within and together, on my own. He is calling me to take the heavy hurts of my heart, the complex situations/decisions of my mind and the steps I am unsure how to take to him. He really does know the way, and he really does love to show me/you and us his way. Which really is best, in the long term!

With God as a dad, I learn something new every single day. For God is always present, always speaking and always showing me what I need to see and learn. When I am paying attention! Or he does things in threes to capture my attention! While my mind is easily distracted, God knows my heart is always hungry for him and his teachings.

And then last but by no means least, is my Church dad aka the one and only legend, that is Johnboy. The dad who has been dad-in-service for about seventeen years. He has shown me; availability, presence (in person and prayer), kindness, patience, tolerance, humour, practical help, consistency, generosity, faith, encouragement and what we all crave; parental love; unconditional; given out of their goodness, not dependant on ours, huge portions of. Which inevitably comes full circle in time!

I cannot thank Johnboy enough for all he has shown and gifted me with through his parental caring presence. Especially during the horrors of the past four years. He is one in ten million to me. He shows me the love of God in human form. He is not perfect, any more than I am. No, he probably is more perfect than I am, actually! But he is not perfect. And I am not by a long shot! But I don’t need him to be. He is sincere of heart. And this is what gives him ongoing access to mine.

Johnboy – you are a gift from the ultimate giver of good gifts – thank you for being you.

A trio of dads. Lucky me huh!

This Father’s Day, I will be praising God for the trio of dad-cards he dealt me.

Some helped to heal,

where others caused harm,

but God transforms all

through his healing balm.

He leads me through chaos

to his clarity and calm.

Thank you big G,

for always being with me,

the star dad of three

who watches over me

and leads me to be,

so very happee!

That I never face life

Without the presence of thee.

Yippee!