The need for other

We are all wired to need the other.

Not to go it alone.

This is not new by any means.  

How many times have we heard the saying, ‘no man is an island’?

And yet, way too often we may find ourselves feeling just like an island with little idea as to how to bridge the gap between ourselves and the other ‘islands’.

This is a gap that can only be bridged by entering the learned to avoid territory of vulnerability.

For it is not possible to truly connect with another without revealing something of the true nature of ourselves and our experience; particularly those thoughts, feelings or actions that we find the most painful, difficult or exposing to admit to.

We all like to be seen as ‘having it all together’ whatever that may mean.

Yet we equally all long to be seen, known and loved for who we really are especially when we feel more like a broken mess than a ‘have it all together’ person!  

This does not mean of course that those with whom we truly connect do not also call us out on certain behaviours especially where they may be harmful to us or the other.

But, we all need people in our lives with whom we connect beyond the superficial.

I hear this so often within my work for the longing for deeper connection is the cry of every heart.

It is those with whom we can connect even our flaws, weaknesses, brokenness, hopes, dreams, failings and mess ups whether small or spectacular, that fuel us to keep having a go at this thing called life.  They assist us to keep believing that we can not only overcome but continue to learn through each experience.

It is these connections that empower us to resist the temptation to shut down, to opt out or to throw ourselves in a ‘what’s the point’ shaped heap of cynicism and defeat.

The connection to and with the other sustains us to keep participating in life even when we hurt.

And whilst we know that it is God Almighty who calls us in to the deepest connection of all for His is truly all encompassing, twenty four seven and condition free, we equally need to experience these connections through others.

We all need people that see, know and love us anyway!  

Those who refuse to break the connection or to punish us with silence when they don’t like something.  Those who are able to love us in spite of ourselves, who are gracious enough to bear with us when we’re less than pleasant and those who are available and consistent enough to for us to fall back and draw strength from when things go wrong.

We all need this type of other.

We need to be this type of other to others, as well as to have this type of other for us.

To connect with and remain connected with.

There are no exceptions.

We are wired for connection and without deep enough connections with each other, something within us loses its power, its energy, its source, its joy de vivre.

As I reflected upon the connections within my own life, I could not help but acknowledge that the one with whom I was most closely connected, died two years ago last month.  This month is her birthday.   

I still miss her.  

It still hurts.

And I still well up when I allow myself the space to think of her.

Grief does not end.

Whilst there remains an internal well spring of memories, the connection is never restored in its previous form.

And that fact remains painful.

This ongoing loss leaves me more aware and grateful for those with whom I do still share live connections.  The ones who accompany me as I take steps in new directions, encouraging me to keep going even when I am afraid, or those who celebrate with me when things go well or those who instantly offer to help in the face of overwhelming practical tasks.

Without these real connections, the sad stuff would simply be too painful and the good stuff would lack any meaning.

We all need these connections; true, honest and dependable.

Yet all too often whilst we long for connection with the other; spouse, family, friends or whoever, it can be the very thing it can feel hard to stay open to or to seek when in need.

Previous painful experiences of the other may cause us to hold back.

But, the reality is that we all get hurt by the other just as we too hurt the other, in various ways at different times throughout our lives; family, teachers, peers, spouses etc

As a result we may make the incredibly human mistake of drawing up the very bridge that connects us to each other.  If that bridge let in harm, we pull it up to avoid the entry of more harm.  Without realising that this is the very bridge through which the healing also comes.

We do harm one another even with the best will in the world not to but we equally find our healing in one another.

How difficult it can be to be a human who remains connected to the other whilst acknowledging and accepting that this can bring further hurt as well as healing!

Of course, some connections are best to be broken.  

And part of our ongoing work as humans is in discerning with whom to remain connected (where we have such a choice) and who not to.

There is real power in connection especially when we choose wisely.